Chacham's Journal: Verbiage: Some puns (2) and other jokes

As if Some puns was not enough, we're back with more! Most of these are from Reddit, either /r/jokes, /r/cleanjokes, or /r/oneliners, but i rewrote a bunch of them.

What do you call a person who points out the obvious? A person who points out the obvious.
I started a dating site for chickens...It's not my full-time job, I'm just doing it to make hens meet.
While the restaurant does get orders for undercooked steak, it's pretty rare.
I wanted a simple definition for "inexplicable" means. But it's really hard to explain.
I was addicted to hokey pokey but I managed to turn myself around.
I was so addicted to ladders, using them to get high. Luckily, i found a 12 step program to get off.
I asked my daughter what "idk" meant. She responded, "I don't know."
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw it in most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I love taking photos of myself standing next to boiling water...My doctor says I have selfie steam issues.
The world champion in reading tongue twisters was arrested. Prosecutors say they are seeking a tough sentence.
White people don't shoot each other in the streets like black people do. We do it in schools, because we have class.
My vegetarian friends scolded me for allegedly dating a meat-eater. But i swear, i've never met herbivore.
A jailed stutterer's girlfriend had moved on. She said it took him too long to finish his sentence
I'm seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife. But I'm pretty sure she'll figure out I'm just after my money...
How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb? They don't. They just beat the room for being black.
I saw a sign that said, "watch for children" and I thought, "that sounds like a fair trade."
Why did Stalin only write in lowercase? He hated capitalism.
How do you cut the sea in half? With a seesaw.
I bet my butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said "No, the steaks are too high".
"Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?" "No, son. Have you seen my dad glasses?"
How is a flock of geese like an airplane full of encyclopedias? They're flying in-formation.
I just passed my Canadian citizenship test. I got an Eh plus.
Some children are kind, but German children are kinder.
What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, he isn't going to come anyway.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He woke up.
First cannibal: Am I late for dinner? Second cannibal: Yes, everyone's eaten already.
Join The Flat Earth Society. We have members all around the globe!
the only thing Flat-Earthers fear is sphere itself.
If I could have any one superpower, i'd pick Russia.
My feeling of illiteracy is so strong, I could not possibly put it into words.
Did you hear about the evil mime? The things he did were unspeakable!
Never iron a four leaf clover. It's not a good thing to press your luck.
Braille isn't hard to learn. You just need to get a feel for it.
Vodka might not be the answer, but it's worth a shot.
I wonder if my vet's receptionist realizes how many people's passwords she knows?
I tried to kidnap a blacksmith, but when I turned my back, he made a bolt for the door.
The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
Dogs can't operate an MRI, but catscan.
Cliches are not my cup of coffee.
I choose which beer i like on a case by case basis.
What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.
Did you hear about the Mexican that got stabbed on a golf course? Someone made a hole in Juan.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner. You become the vacuum cleaner.
I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. It's called fee-fi-fobia
Which prison has the best food? Australia.
How many people does it take to make a mistake? In your case, two.
Islamic extremists are the most fashion-forward people. They're always dressed to kill.
Did you hear about the horse that could read and write? He was a stable genius.
You'd make a great electron. You're so darn negative.
What do you call a hippie's wife? Mississippi.
A blind man walks into a bar...And a chair And a table.
Today in church they asked what a Bishop does. Apparently "move diagonally" wasn't the answer they were looking for.
I thought my snail's shell was weighing him down, but after I removed it he appeared even more sluggish.
A Buddhist goes to a hotdog stand and says, "make me one with everything." He paid with a $20 and asked for change. The vendor said, "change comes from within."
Why did the Buddhist refuse Novocaine? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
I only believe in 12.5% of the bible...Which makes me an eighth theist.
I never want a conversation with a Mobius Strip. They're so one-sided.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line!
I can't stop reading fantasy novels with female protagonists. I'm a heroine addict.
I set out to lose 10 pounds this month...Only 15 more to go.
What is a man without nose and body called? Nobody knows.
What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? Iron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a command.
Enter password: 'Snowflake'. Re-enter password: 'Snowflake'. Your passwords are not alike.
Why did the slave go to college? To pick up his master's degree.
Did you hear about the mathematician that was scared of negative numbers? When counting down, he'd stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why did seven eat nine? He was going for his three square meals.
A communist joke is only funny is everybody laughs.
Where is the capital of North Korea? In a Swiss bank account.
"Why do you keep calling David, Dave?" "Well, it all started when he had his id stolen..."
Two carrots were walking when one got hit by a car. After surgery, the doctor says that he has good news and bad news. the good news is he'll live. the bad news is he'll live the rest of his life as a vegetable
I used to be addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers...I had to give up cold turkey.
I bought a pair of sneakers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
I saw a post on Craigslist that said: Radio for sale, $1. Volume knob stuck on full. I thought to myself, I just can't turn that down.