counciling appointment

Journal Guipo's Journal: counciling appointment 4

Journal by Guipo on Thursday January 09, 2003 @11:43PM

Sometimes when all hope is nearly lost, you have it confirmed. But sometimes, when you have already lost practicle hope, hope is restored. I think that probadly describes me today. I learned that my relationship with Donna maybe has a 10 percent chance of lasting. The counciler told me. He also said that I should prepare myself for the distinct possibility of divorce. He then told me to think of questions that I would like to ask Donna at counciling next week. Counciling this week was hard for me. I actually cried, becuase of my denial of the looming cloud of divorce that hangs over me. I told him of how frustrated I am. How hurt I'm feeling. He said that that was completely normal. I dont know. I'm not willing to accept divorce.

its a half hour later. Depression has set in. man, i wanna just cry right now. I dont want to lose my wife. I dont want my child to grow up in a situation of 2 households. Sigh. What I want is irrelevant. I can try my hardest, but in the long run, whats going to happen is still uncertain. Althought there is the potential moreso for a divorce, i can still hope that it wont happen. Really, dreams are all i have. I daydream that I will walk into the house, and she'll come up, wrap her arms around me, and tell me how much she's loves me. I'm really emotional right now. Right now, we're acting civil. Its not prudent for me to act anything else in front of her. With 10 percent, there's very little margin for error. Actually, close to none. Here's the real problem. I'm afraid that I wont know whats a error until its too late. Man, i want to go in there and just hug her. Another error thats a must to avoid. Dont go too far. Actually, dont do anything other than just talk to her normally, almost like we're just aquaintances.

I want to run away, i want to just go away for a few, and cry to myself. Its not jealousy right now, its not anything but the yearning to hold her heart again. I think that i can do so little right now, it just frustrates me more. I dont know why, but i just want to go in there, and hold her. Cry in her arms. I need that so bad. I cant do that though. It will complicate things. With 10 percent thats something I dont need. Complication I need support i think. I only want support from Donna.

The counciler said that he was actually surprised that Donna said 10 percent. I guess we're pretty off bad if even the counciler thought that we had no chance. I have to learn how to go off that 10 percent. Make it grow. Its going to be long and hard. When you have a 90 percent chance of your marrige not working, you realize that its easier just to give up. At least I'm not good at that. Giving up. Right now, i feel like it. I just want this pain to end. I'm sure that she does. But she still cares for me. Obviously. God i hurt. Well i'm going to go for now. I may write later. I may break down and bawl. I dont know right now. I love my wife. I know that. She means the world to me. I wont give her up. I wont. Not if I dont have to....

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