Guipo's Journal: frustrations of last night

oh, I feel like shit now. Terrible. I dont know why really. Its not like i should of expected anything other than this. This hurts though. I'm so emotionally torn that the littlest thing makes me cry. I'm not right. I just want things to be ok. I want to sleep in the same bed as my wife. I want to kiss her. i Want to hold her hand. I want all those things that I cant have. Why cant I have them? What fucking injustice have I dont to anyone. What moral wrong have I committed? Why am i destined to be unhappy when it comes to love. Why is it when i get something, it gets taken away from me? I dont know why I deserve this. ok, enough pissing and moaning. I sound silly.

but really. Tonight, i was putting my clean clothes away, and she asked me why I havent moved my dresser. You know, the dresser thats in my room. Yes, thats right kiddies, its my room too. Just cause i havent been staying in it, dosent mean that its just hers. Why am i so fucked? I told her that I didnt concider the fact that I'm in the other room permanent. She said that as of right now she did. She's not healed yet. That really worries me about donna. her inability to let things go. Will she be able to forgive me? forgive me. Heh. I dont even know what I did sometimes. Ok, i've done some fucked up shit. I've looked through her stuff, read her jornal, etc, etc. I shouldnt have to. I shouldnt have the feelings that I do.

its not that I'm a mistrusting person. Things have just been really bad. When things are at this point, stressful and bad, people do things that are out of character. ITs not like me to do this. i've always been very trusting when it comes to Donna. I love her so much, i just never expected her to hurt me. Of course she did, and if it was my own doing, i'm too ignorant of such a fact. ok, like i've said, i've done dome things. but it was totally after everthing bad had already started. I dont know what I'm writing. I dotn know what i'm trying to accomplish. I really dont know what i'm doing exactly. I guess i'm just getting my feelings out on paper.

I do know i hurt. Raw emotion wise, at least i know I'm not dead. I'm feeling way too much pain to be dead. its not that I want to die, i'm not that kinda person. I'm generally too happy of a person to even concider anything like that. But I am human, and I do wish for this pain to be taken away. I've concidered many things such as leaving my wife. After thinking about these thing, I'm glad that I've always decided against that. I'm too fucking in love with her for that. Why the hell am i so desperatly needing this pain. If she hurts me, at least she's doing something to me. I mean, its not love. But its not nothing. Is nothing better than something? I dont know.

i'm not a angry, or mean spirited person. I dont get angry easy. But i feel like I'm learning to be spiteful. Thats not me. Thats not the type of person I am. But its harder and harder nto to be. I feel like I should be angry, i feel like I should yell and get into it. Bubt with Donna, thats a losing battle. She has so much anger built up inside of her, that if you fight with her, she taps into it and there is no winning. There is no point in getting mad. It accomplishes nothing. So instead of mad, i'll just cry. Feel sorry for myself. There is no winning. Lesser of several evils I guess. Fuck it, i dont know. I dont know fucking anything.

I do know something. A man has his limits. I've never hit mine. Someday. Someday I will.