Elbereth's Journal: I Am So Stupid

I don't know what came over me, but I talked to my ex-girlfriend last night. Actually, I think I know what came over me. I was bored, I hadn't taken my anti-depressant meds, and I was looking for a reason to feel good about myself. If I can cheer up my ex and be a good friend to her after our breakup, hey, I must be a nice guy. Oh, bullshit. I don't need to be nice to that bitch in order to feel good about myself. And so what if I'm not the perfect person? Neither is she. The saddest thing is that I was trolling myself. Ugh. Talk about pathetic. I need to think more about my actions and the causes for them. As if I dont obsess over enough stuff already...

When did my life get so screwed up? When did I get all these issues? Okay, so maybe I wasn't exactly the most happy, well-adjusted person when I was 13, 18, 21, or 25. But, at 30, you'd expect I'd have most of these things ironed out by now. Ugh.

At least I can honestly say that I like myself, am moderately attractive (if not more so), and can hold my own in social settings. It wasn't always like this. So, I must have made progress somewhere along the line. If I can just find what gave me the energy and motivation to change back then, maybe I can continue changing.

My life hasn't gotten better or worse in a long time. It simply stays barely tolerable. I know there's something out there that will bring me happiness, but I don't know what it is. I've tried a lot of stuff. Most of it brings happiness for a little while, but then I settle back into depression. Or else I like it a lot, but it's not enough to break the depresion... and I lose interest in it.

My problem is I'm too fucking needy, and I'm all too willing to blind myself just so that I don't see something that scares me. Girlfriend isn't ready for a relationship? Ignore it and continue to date her. Your friend's lies are getting more and more outrageous? Ignore it and trust her. You're falling back into the patterns of avoidance and self-destruction? Ignore it and continue an empty, nihilistic existence.

There's got to be something more. There's got to be something out there that will make me care. I need to care about something, or else I shall surely go insane.

Well, not that you care, but that's what goes on in the mind of a bored manic-depressive with too much time and computer.