dominator2010's Journal: wtf, I hate life

No, I'm not okay. I'm tired, sad, and angry. X2 was let go today, or "forced to resign", or however the fuck you want to put it to make yourself feel better. It still boils down to the same thing though. And the fact that everyone can seemingly just go on as normal is what really gets me. I mean, I feel like being sick and everyone else just smiles and pretends like nothing is going on. Yet you can hear the whispers and shit. I hate it. I hate being a part of it. I feel like I've lost a little bit of myself, or a family member. Something of that nature, someone that is close to me.

The only way I can seem to describe it right now is like being punched in the stomach and then being told to smile about it. Fuck! And where does this leave me? Wondering, confused, sad. It's almost a fate worse than death. I'm sure people would love to know when they're going to die, but this seems worse. Not only do you not know when it's going to happen, but then you have to find a way to continue moving on.

Ugh. C1 talked with me when we both left the office just now. He says we don't really need to worry, but I can't help it. Sure I do the best I can, but how am I supposed to know if it's good enough. No one is complaining, but it's not like I get a pat on the back everyday either. I feel like I'm supposed to be "grown up" about this and not let my emotions show. That is probably my first mistake. I get involved and make it personal. Everyone says, "oh, it's just business that's the way it goes." But I hate that. I have to see these people everyday. Am I supposed to go on forever pretending that they're strangers or that they don't matter?

Sure, there are some people that I wouldn't mind seeing go, but would I wish that upon them? No! Again, when it all comes down to it would I rather it be me or someone else? I would like to think I'm a kind and generous person, but I don't know that I could say I'd rather it be me. Even if I knew the other person was better suited.

And why does this thing seem so preconceived? B1's gone, so I can't even talk to him about it to get any sort of comfort. Yet I'm suspicious that they did this while he was gone. Is it because they knew if he was around he'd make a big deal out of it? Maybe not, maybe it doesn't matter. B2 will probably shrug it off and chalk it up to "just being business."

I don't get it, and I don't think I ever will. Is that a good quality to have, because right now it's not seeming like it is. Sigh. I wasn't going to have anything to drink tonight, but now I just don't want to think so I guess that makes me weak.

Sorry.

Normal

[johndiii]

What you're feeling is normal. You bond with co-workers, and when they leave that is disrupted. And then there is the "why the heck did they let him go, and am I next" thing. What you feel is pretty normal. Emotionally, it's simpler for someone who is let go than for the people who are left. In his case, he has to focus, and find another job. You have the survivor guilt, as well as the uncertainty that something like that engenders.

The real question is what to do with those feelings. Maybe use them a

Re:

[dominator2010]

Thanks for trying to comfort me. I'm just being overly sensitive. I have kept an open communication with the boss considering he still continues to read my journal and crack jokes. He knows I worry too much, and to his credit he does a great job of dealing with me. I used to ask quite frequently how he perceived I was doing and he would give me feedback. He still does, and others do as well. I do get compliments so I take that as meaning I'm doing something right, but since I don't really know how to accept

From the employer's point of view

[Harmonious Botch]

Sorry to see that happen to you. I'm going to tell you what it looks like from the other side. Maybe it will help...

I've run a small business for 20+ years. In those years, I've had to fire only two people. In both instances, for months beforehand, they seemed to have their own agenda, and have no interest in what was good for the business. ( One, it turned out, was dealing dope. I found out when he failed to put enough postage on a half-kilo and it was returned to me. The other just wanted to be dru

Re:

[dominator2010]

Thanks for dropping by :)

Johndiii is really smart and has been a great friend. You've also given me something to consider. I've come to realize that I am expecting a bit much. It most certainly is an "employment at-will" arrangement. I feel dirty admitting that though like I'm selling out or something childish like that. I think the most important thing is to realize that this is now, that I am employed and have some money.

Part of the reason I'm so worked up is all this recession talk people are spout

Normal

[ryanr]

I think I'm feeling some of the exact same things. I woke up local time this morning, and found that in my email. WTF. So if you were wondering, yeah it's a surprise to me too. So I have a bunch of questions when I get back. Obviously, I can't go into details here.

As for general advice for you, I'd love to see you have a bit more social life. That's one thing that looks to me like you're missing balance on.