spun's Journal: Mixed feelings

Merril and I have really hit it off. We just started learning Ruby together. I want to do some scripting of Sketchup, maybe make a program to generate random town and village maps for RPGs. He wants to get up to speed fast and then we'd write a book about it. It's so new, there aren't really that many books out yet.

Jenny is a little miffed at him. He's a little misogynistic. Or rather, he's afraid of women and a bit insecure. He can't stand the fact that she can beat him at games like Rummikub. I think smart women attract but frighten him at the same time. He's also a little bit bigoted. We had to let him know that he can't go around assuming people are less intelligent based on their race, at least not if he wants to hang out with us.

Jenny is at the point where she wants the relationship to be about more than just sex. He's still getting his mind blown every time. She really is the best I've ever had. It's very rewarding having sex with a girl who can have internal vaginal orgasms in less than ten minutes, pretty much every time. Plus, she knows how to move, how to show you that she really, really likes it. And she's a screamer, which is great if you like aural sex.

But she's at the point where she wants him to open up to her a little bit, or at least give some token that he likes her for more than just sex. I tried to tell him that he's on a little bit shaky ground on Monday. I didn't tell her, just went over at lunch and said, "You know, she's a little sad. Maybe It's just PMS, but she could use some cheering up. I think she'd like to know that you like her for more than just sex. Maybe some flowers? $5.99 at Albertson's, it's on the way."

Did he show up with flowers? Of course not. If he had, I wouldn't have told her, but we were processing the next day and she brought up her fears and insecurities again, so I felt I had to give her that additional data point. Now, if it was me, I'd be in big trouble for treating her like he does. But he's got a big dick, and evidently that is a "get out of the doghouse, free" card. Sigh.

So, a little bigoted, a little misogynistic, and scared of real intimacy. Another fixer-upper. A friend of ours told us that some friends of his who had started up a polyamory group here were trying to get it back together. We're definitely going to check that out. Sure, there are messed up people in poly circles, too. But in the ones I've been involved with, there was always a core group of really solid, open, honest, and fun people without too many problems or hangups.

But Merril is definitely worth a little effort. You can't change other people, but you can give them both incentive and help in changing themselves. I think Merril wants to change, I mean, who really wants to be scared of intimacy? Connecting with other humans on a heart to heart level is, to me, one of the very best things in life.

Change? Why?

[o1d5ch001]

Why does Merrill need to change? And why are you taking ownership of the bad feelings Jenny has towards Merrill? Do you feel like you are on a different level of accountability than Merrill is? Do you resent him for that?

Re:

[spun]

Merril needs to change because he isn't happy and his life isn't working for him. He needs to change because if he doesn't, he's going to lose one of the best things that's come into his life recently. Look, I know it sucks when people basically say, "you have to change or you aren't good enough for me," but relationships are constant negotiation and if you can't meet someone's clearly stated needs, then it's unfair to expect them to stay with you. And it's pretty obvious that he wants to change. I don't wa