spun's Journal: True Colors

Okay, sorry for the cliffhanger! Jenny and I are giving it another shot. The last few days with her have been like old times: easy, fun and comfortable. Now, we aren't making any grand predictions on whether it will work or not, but we have a plan. Couples and individual therapy for both of us. We've mapped out specific issues that we need to work on. Our little break has also helped defuse some pent up crap we've both been holding on to. I'm feeling cautiously optimistic.

So what happened? Why the about face? Mr. Y. showed his true colors. He had come across as someone who had been through hell but come out the other side stronger and wiser. Truth is, he'd never come out the other side. He has absolutely no capacity for introspection, all he knows how to do is hide. As soon as he thought he had Jenny, all the hurt and neediness came pouring out. Plus, he has absolutely nothing to bring to the table. He makes about half what I make. He can't cook, he doesn't know how to clean, and he isn't handy. He's physically much weaker than I am. He oscillates between two modes, pent-up stoic and crying, raving loon. He won't consider therapy. Then there's the illness, turns out he's also bulimic. Plus the ED issues. And he won't do anything about any of it except take klonopin.

Now Jenny has been brutally honest about herself from the get go. She told him she gets emotional. She explained exactly what she wants from a partnership, and what she can bring to the table. He presented himself as someone who could meet her needs, and he simply can't. Jenny has never been through a requited infatuation before. I tried to warn her. Well, now she knows: when infatuated, don't trust what your heart is saying, and don't trust what the other person is saying. Give it time and the truth will come out.

The truth, in Mr. Y.'s case, is that he is a freaking mess. And prone to abuse. He told her that she liked getting in fights and being humiliated. He wouldn't let her set a safe word when they played rough, for fuck's sake. That's a deal breaker right there, in my book. He drinks like a fish and does stupid things while drunk. Jenny does not need to be around someone who drinks that much, she has enough trouble staying in control while drinking as it is, she doesn't need anyone egging her on. The funny part? He yells at her about being an alcoholic. He called her, drunk off his ass, and told her she had to stop drinking. How out of touch can you get?

He has extreme difficulty apologizing or admitting he is wrong. He claimed to be comfortable with her emotions, and he simply isn't. He has no drive, being essentially stuck in the same life situation for the last ten years. He has no friends. He doesn't know how to negotiate fairly. He can't honestly look at what he's feeling, what he's capable of giving, or what his real motivations are. In short, he's about as far away from partner material as it's possible to get and still function in the world.

Jenny admits to being too much of a princess. She's learned a lot about deescalating arguments, because she had vowed not to make the mistakes with him that she made with me. Even when I was furious with her during the break up, she stayed calm. She's vowed to make it a habit.

Jenny has also let go of her attachment to her emotions. She's identified with them all her life. Being an actress, she felt that being true to her feelings was crucial. Now she has figured out that being true to her feeling does not mean letting them control her. Feelings are like puppies. They need discipline to be secure, or they will run amok. We can acknowledge and respect our feelings while controlling them and letting them out in appropriate ways, in appropriate settings.

As for me, well, I need to let things go. I need to be more forthright and not bottle my feelings up trying to be the strong one. I need to assert myself more. Trying too hard to make this relationship work had turned me kind of girly, and that is a big turn off for Jenny. The same thing happened with Mr. Y. only much more quickly. Jenny realized that she needs certain things in order to be turned on.

We've talked about this a lot, and it's mostly subtle stuff. She'd like it if I wore cologne and deodorant. My 'sexy faces' aren't, at all. For her, sexy means stoic, manly. Not girly goo-goo eyes. I shouldn't snuggle up to her, I should pull her to me. During seduction, I need to touch her deliberately and slowly. I've been too grabby and unfocused. I also, and this is a very common complaint with women, need to spend more time on the build up and not go straight for the erogenous zones. In bed, my technique is top notch, but my seduction and foreplay techniques need work. No problem.

My mom is ecstatic about us giving it another shot. Her mom is happy if we're happy. Her dad is still mad at her. Her friends will probably secretly think she's an idiot. My friends will probably tell me I'm an idiot to my face. But at least I've always presented a balanced picture. I've asked her, and she's admitted she has a tendency to vent with her friends without putting things in perspective. Damn. I'd always wondered why they all were a bit stand-offish towards me. I told her, if they think you're an idiot, it's because you've never told them about the good side of our relationship.

Mr. Y. did not take the news well. He went on a two day bender and didn't go in to work. Actually, she broke up with him before she had any kind of confirmation from me that I would take her back. But in his mind, she's weak and cowardly and went back to me because of the money issue. Hah. She never wanted him to make more money, she just didn't want him coming home every night and crying like a baby because his job sucks so much.

We re-switched our leases yesterday. He couldn't even talk to us while we were signing papers. He wouldn't even take off his sun glasses. I feel sorry for him. The whole thing makes me so sad. I did not want things to go down this way. He tried to break Jenny and I up, telling her he couldn't take the polyamory thing. Not that he ever told ME that, of course. After I had made my peace with the situation, I tried to keep the two of them together, telling Jenny to go easy on him, to give him a chance. But in his mind, I'm an angry violent jerk and she's an idiot for going back to me. Sad.

So THAT'S where Buffy's sister came from!

[An Onerous Coward]

Thanks for not keeping me in suspense.

There are a lot of things about this situation that really surprise me. It always worries me when someone reminds me just how easy it is to get suckered in by a person, and how long a relationship can go with one party hiding something from the other. A friend of mine had a sister who was engaged to a guy, and right before the engagement party she found out a whole bunch of things he'd been keeping secret. They held the party anyways, just without the guy. Why shoul

Re:

[spun]

Well, honestly, I thought Mr. Y. had burned this bridge. But yesterday he called her and admitted he had screwed up, that he hadn't been honest, that he was projecting about the alcoholism, and that he understood why she was leaving. People never cease to surprise me, in good and bad ways.

We'll see how this all plays out, but I'm the kind of person who doesn't want to see anyone hurt. Especially people who don't have the tools to deal with that hurt. I'd rather be hurt than see most people hurt, because I k