WannaBeGeekGirl's Journal: Peak inside my twisted mind, I dare you...

Welcome to the world of Mental Illness, in case you haven't noticed, its not all psychos, straight jackets and drug addicts. I was the coder in the office next door until treatment resistant depression started to take just about everything I'd worked for 6 years ago:


crashing again

this downward spiral into pain feels deserved and sweet
its like the calm before a storm--
and finally, i'm not scared anymore
i've been to the bottom before
kicking and screaming and begging God to tell me why
warm salty tears more familiar to me than a smile
prayers for my Creator to take me home remain unanswered though

at least I'm not terrified
not like when i let them hook me up to machines
cold metal and cruel electricity
issue that amp into my brain
smile and assure me
in between the grand mal seizures that wrack my tired body
erase even more of my broken mind and soul
tell me i'm cured and hand me a bill for $200k
one that insurance pre-approved but won't cover now
oh sorry, you're ASAP unless you have that kinda cash sitting around at age 30
another thing you forgot to mention
along with the permanent memory damage
and 40 hour long chain migraines...wheeee

excuse me, which part is the care in "health care"?

as always though
i don't have the guts to do what the statistics would reflect
that any sane person in my position should do at this point
for i always was too chicken-shit
weak
scared to piss off a God who's forgotten me

so i accept punishment for whatever i've done to deserve this
i get to wake up tomorrow and the next day and forever
this godforsaken disease slowly usurping N_____

all i have to look forward to--
pleading with doctors, pharmacies and insurance companies
to whom i'm just an opportunity to make money
perhaps i can get a park bench or cardboard box, with a view?

i long for the numbness tonight
i have no doubt it will be swift and merciless
cruel, yet welcome

i'm crashing again


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