Journal WannaBeGeekGirl's Journal: Dying alone? 2
So many people talk about how terrible it would be to die alone. I'm not sure if they're talking about the dying part, the being dead part or what follows this life. I wouldn't worry too much about any of it. First of all its inevitable. Second, there are some really horrible ways to go, like car accidents and do you really want to drag someone you care along with you just because of your fear?
When people pass away gross stuff happens because muscles let go. If they're really sick they're probably hooked up to all kinds of tubes and stuff. Loved ones have to make hard choices if legal things aren't in order. That has the potential to cause suffering on both ends. As far as I'm concerned, I'd rather be alone when I die, regarless of how it happens. It doesn't scare me to die alone, to be dead or what comes after. Worrying about it, being scared of the inevitable just wastes time and energy for the most part. Wasting time and energy--feeling any more regret in whatever precious time I have left in this life scares me more.
I'm much more afraid of living alone the rest of my life. Thats something I have control of for the most part. I'm worried about what I'll do if the doctors can't treat my depression and secondary PTSD so that I can get over my fear of trusting people and leaving my home. Those are things that limit my ability to share my life with someone at this time.
I think though, that maybe more of what people mean when they say they are afraid of dying alone is living alone up until death. They want a companion for the rest of their life because once you've been with someone for long enough you get comfortable.
Its easy to forget, or take for granted, the difference between lonliness and being alone. I knew the difference well before I got so sick. I loved having my space and chose to end some relationships that were turning serious and cutting into my "me time." Ironic how things change when you get so sick and the years slip by in tens. I still have those choices for relationships, but its no easier to take on that kind of commitment when I'm still sorting through all kinds of other feelings. Now I'm lonely but need my space for other reasons, yet I feel like I'm fighting a ticking clock. Go figure?
Why can't the depression give me one night off? I know the difference between being alone and lonlieness, the mood disorder doesn't, especially tonight. A single friend, the squeeze of a hand or a quick hug would ease my mind were it not so sick it wouldn't allow any. Human beings weren't meant to live alone and without friendly affection. So why am I so broken I can't accept a nurturing touch to sustain me?
I promised my Creator I wouldn't ask to be taken Home early anymore, but tonight its so hard not to wish for such things. ~pf
When people pass away gross stuff happens because muscles let go. If they're really sick they're probably hooked up to all kinds of tubes and stuff. Loved ones have to make hard choices if legal things aren't in order. That has the potential to cause suffering on both ends. As far as I'm concerned, I'd rather be alone when I die, regarless of how it happens. It doesn't scare me to die alone, to be dead or what comes after. Worrying about it, being scared of the inevitable just wastes time and energy for the most part. Wasting time and energy--feeling any more regret in whatever precious time I have left in this life scares me more.
I'm much more afraid of living alone the rest of my life. Thats something I have control of for the most part. I'm worried about what I'll do if the doctors can't treat my depression and secondary PTSD so that I can get over my fear of trusting people and leaving my home. Those are things that limit my ability to share my life with someone at this time.
I think though, that maybe more of what people mean when they say they are afraid of dying alone is living alone up until death. They want a companion for the rest of their life because once you've been with someone for long enough you get comfortable.
Its easy to forget, or take for granted, the difference between lonliness and being alone. I knew the difference well before I got so sick. I loved having my space and chose to end some relationships that were turning serious and cutting into my "me time." Ironic how things change when you get so sick and the years slip by in tens. I still have those choices for relationships, but its no easier to take on that kind of commitment when I'm still sorting through all kinds of other feelings. Now I'm lonely but need my space for other reasons, yet I feel like I'm fighting a ticking clock. Go figure?
Why can't the depression give me one night off? I know the difference between being alone and lonlieness, the mood disorder doesn't, especially tonight. A single friend, the squeeze of a hand or a quick hug would ease my mind were it not so sick it wouldn't allow any. Human beings weren't meant to live alone and without friendly affection. So why am I so broken I can't accept a nurturing touch to sustain me?
I promised my Creator I wouldn't ask to be taken Home early anymore, but tonight its so hard not to wish for such things. ~pf
A wish for you... (Score:2)
Why I Wake Early
Hello, sun in my face.
Hello, you who made the morning
and spread it over the fields
and into the faces of the tulips
and the nodding morning glories,
and into the windows of, even, the
miserable and the crotchety --
b
Eh. (Score:2)
It's completely irrational, of course. But that human contact is important to the primal, instinctual part of your brain that's screaming right then.
Not that I much care for being lonely either; but I'm a lone