spun's Journal: Polyamory

I've waited to write about this until I was sure things were going well. It seems they are, but of course this is still just the beginning and there are many hurdles and stages yet to come.

My wife and I define ourselves as polyamorous. This despite the fact that we've been together for seven years where she has had one short term and unsatisfying affair, and I haven't had any.

She met a very nice man while volunteering in our local community theater, asked me if she could pursue him, and I said yes. They have hit it off quite well. It's been three weeks and they've gotten to the stage where they can admit to "being in love" but not yet saying, "I love you."

I won't go into all the details, suffice it to say this has been a win-win-win scenario for all parties involved, for various reasons (some of them quite sad, but confidentiality prevents me from talking too much about that.)

My wife's and my relationship had been in the doldrums for about six months prior. This has not only revitalized it: it has entered a whole new phase. I feel like the man I was seven years ago, before I made this woman my project.

She has graduated from the school of Seth with flying colors, and I no longer feel inappropriately responsible for her. I won't go into all the mother issues I've been dragging around with me that have caused me to feel it necessary to fix and protect women at my own expense, and I won't claim they are entirely gone, either. They do have much less of a hold over me, though.

For the last three weeks, we have a had a fully adult, interdependent relationship. Everything is open to negotiation, and we both feel comfortable stating our needs to the other where we once might have felt guilty about being who we are and wanting what we want.

Her paramour has never done anything like this, so it's all new and a bit scary for him. I knew and liked him from before the affair started, but we have yet to sit down and have a man-to-man about it. I decided to follow Jenny's lead on this (I'm no longer the teacher and leader, yay!) and she thought it best to wait a bit and see how serious this was before committing to something uncomfortable like that.

He doesn't even know what compersion is, for goodness sake.

Me, I've had training in all this. Six months of twice a week classes. Practice three ways. God damn Hawaii is a cool place! Not that I'm not nervous, I have the most to lose if things go wrong. Although he has the most likelihood of being hurt in that scenario.

I have always felt like a different person in a serious relationship than out of one. Now I just feel like myself, in a way I never really knew before. I'm doing more of the things I love to do and not worrying about other people when it isn't necessary. My wife is actually hoping I meet a woman that I can connect with, but I'm not actively looking, just doing more of the things I love and keeping an eye open to the possibilities.

More updates as events unfold. Will it go well? Will it all blow up in our faces? Who knows, but it sure is exciting!

Congratulations

[drachenstern]

My wife thinks it's a dirty word, but I don't think she has grasped the full concept of what polyamory is. It's about more than sex, but I think that's all she equates it to.

Congrats

Re:

[spun]

Swinging is all about sex. Polyamory is about having more than one close, intimate relationship. My wife was similarly confused, and quite against the idea for the first three years of our partnership. Letting her have the first affair seemed to change her mind, though. ;)

Wow.

[BandwidthHog]

n/t

Oh, this isn't even the weirdest part of my life

[spun]

Hell, I was born into a three way marriage and I have a half brother six months younger than me. Remind me to tell you about the time I was sixteen and my mom and I got abandoned in Greece. On Crete. I had to work under the table in a Greek restaurant.

And that's not even the weirdest thing. Sometime I'll tell you about the month I spent in London with the born again Christian ice skating little person. Or the time I had a five way including a very nice sixty year old lady with visibly terminal cancer. And t

You're destroying the moral fabric of society!

[An Onerous Coward]

I tip my hat to you, sir.

I'd like to think of myself as hypothetically polyamorous. I'm not dating anyone right now, and I've never been in a poly relationship. So it's possible I'm just a horny guy with commitment issues, but I think that's unlikely.

Two questions:

1) Have you subscribed to the Polyamory Weekly podcast yet? It's good stuff.

2) Any theories on the algorithmic complexity O(n) of romantic relationships (n being the number of people involved, and given possibly different complexities for work

Re:

[spun]

As the moral fabric of our society is woven mostly of lies, stolen power, and dirty secrets, I'm quite happy to be destroying it.

Haven't subscribed to the podcast yet, thanks for mentioning it. As for the complexity of multiple relationships and the satisfaction involved, it isn't a linear thing at all. It can be far more complex and unsatisfying for some. For others it is easier and more satisfying. It is likely that, if one has trouble with a simple, singular long term relationship, one will have even mor