bellus quies's Journal: Whisky and Tears

Well last night sucked.

My boyfriend got home started asking me about my day. I told him a bit, we sat down and I told him about my counseling appointment and how I didn't want to take her advice. She suggested that I take a break of putting energy into the relationship and to let my boyfriend know that. IT seemed too much like an ultimatum that I didn't want to tell him. But I did because he asked and I won't lie. Then he went on saying that he's so tired by noon just thinking about how our relationship is on the rocks and it's draining. And how he doesn't like that we argue a lot. That the only relationship that he has to gauge ours is his parents, and he says that they never argue like this. Ya I don't like arguing either and want to improve communication. And I try to let him that he doesn't know if his parents argues. They were together fro around 5 years before they even had kids, and tack on another 10 before he is old enough to comprehend their relationship dynamics and that gives him comparing a couple that have hat 15 years of marriage to work on communication to us, and we've only had nearly 3 years of dating to gauge our relationship by.

So, he ends up telling me that he doesn't know if he's ready to be in a relationship.

Ya that sucks. So the conversation goes on and we talk about things. Going nowhere really. He says that he doesn't know what else to do. That he wants to see me happy and that it seems like everything he does makes me sad. That he doesn't want to feel guilty when he calls his sisters and best friend and knows that he'll have to tell me and see the reaction in my face. Yes I admit, I do have a reaction, but I told him that it's not because you called. It's hearing about them reminds me that the people my boyfriend loves the most have rejected me and want me gone. (Ya, they've told him numerous times to leave me) And I let him know that I understand how frustrated he is and how hard a situation he's been placed in by his family. And that they know exactly how to push his buttons and they're pushing hard. Because they know that I'm expendable and that my boyfriend won't get rid of them no matter how they treat him, but me, I can easily be tossed aside. So they call him names and tell him how he's a bad friend and brother and he goes to them to try and mend things and I try to mend things with his friend and try to get along with his sisters and I get the flack that I look upset when he mentions their names.

Then there's nothing more to say really as it's just him saying he doesn't know what to do and me coming up with a list of 1001 things that are possible. But he sees how easily it comes to me to be in a relationship and do the little niceties that couples do and he's frustrated that he can't even remember to ask me out to lunch.

So then we take a break from talking. I go pour myself some Knob Creek over a mug of ice and take the bottle and my cell phone to the balcony. So I call my dad and sip some whisky and cry. I'm just crestfallen that my boyfriend doesn't even want to try. My dad has some good words of advice and we talk for over an hour.

Then we have to go to dodgeball. Driving over we don't say anything to each other and my No Doubt CD is playing. It's near the end of their best of CD and it's where the break up tunes are playing. IT seemed oddly fitting to hear "Don't Speak" and " I kinda always knew I'd end up your ex-girlfriend". A soundtrack fitting to the mood.

After dodgeball we get home and go to bed and talk some more. He's upset that things are broken with his family and that they will never be fixed that his sister will forever hold a grudge over me for the unkind things I said in my blog. See, a month or so ago his best friend was hanging out with his sister and he showed her my livejournal, namely this entry. And my boyfriend didn't remember what I wrote and has asked another friend of ours about it and she said that I didn't say anything too bad. But he doesn't remember what I wrote only that I was insensitive and put personal issues where his sister could see and that he wishes that I could have talked to him more about it first. And how he'll never know what I wrote because I had already deleted my livejournal when he asked me to when all the online drama escalated. So I grabbed my laptop and logged on to /. to show him, because I copy all my livejournal stuff here (because I write all the things here that I can't say in my LJ blog because I don't want to talk poorly about him or people he knows in a forum where they frequent). I read it first to refresh my memory of what it is I wrote and told my BF that it wasn't about his sister, but best friend that I was referring to. So he reads it and apologises for something he said earlier, that I don't write anything nice about him in my blog. He doesn't even mention anything more about me being insensitive to his sister's sensitive nature, he just says that he's tired and wants to go to sleep. It's 1am and I can understand and let the conversation go until we have more energy the next day. Though I couldn't sleep and I don't think I fell asleep until well after 2.

This morning we seemed in a bit better spirits. And I made a pot of coffee as he took the dog out. Comfort in the familiarity of the morning routine. He took the trash out, I got the laundry in my car for after work and I met him by his car to give him a goodbye kiss as we're off to work. I felt comfortable kissing him again after all that happened last night. Because I won't give up on him even though he's given up on himself. For all the hardships and troubles that we've gone through, I love him and believe in him and know that he is capable of anything he puts his mind too. He just has to believe in himself first. And it's hard to have my voice of confidence in him come though all the static of negativity that his family and friends are surrounding him with.

So this morning I ordered some DVD's. And if that doesn't work, then I'll concede. Because ya it does seem like it's me against his family, them trying to break us up and tear my boyfriend away and me trying to hold the relationship together. And that they'll win if I leave.

Good luck.

[Some Woman]

I'm sorry these issues are causing so much pain. I hope you two can figure things out.

Re:

[bellus quies]

Thanks.