A 'ho' by any other name smells just as sweet.

Journal rdewald's Journal: A 'ho' by any other name smells just as sweet. 5

Journal by rdewald on Friday June 23, 2006 @07:20PM

People. Your grasping minds are leading you into battle. It's not the word, it's the manner in which it is used that matters. It is the intention that hurts, not the acoustic encoding. Wake up. Let go. Pay attention. Be kind.

Group last night was great. Mona and Karen were both there. Angie was back and Irene was out because of a work responsibility. I noticed an interesting difference between my relationships with Karen and Mona, both of whom I regard as very powerfully attractive. Karen is about 20 years younger than I, so that might have something to do with it, but I don't think that's the only thing. Mona is about 10 years younger than I. Karen mentioned she had begun to date a guy and they were exploring their sexual relationship. She was estactic about this development and I was powerfully moved when she told me that her willingness to take the risk was in some measure due to the work her and I had done in group. That was nice to hear. I care for Karen. I find joy in her joy.

Note there's not even a tinge of jealousy in all that even though I found myself last night staring at Karen (eye contact is a big part of group) and forgetting my train of thought. She was wearing a really sexy and sheer halter top (wonder if that was for me?). In any case, I'd like to have a relationship with Karen but I guess on some level I just believe the age difference would be too much to overcome or something. I don't know, she has a really interesting job, too, it would be very glamorous to be her companion, too. In any case, I let myself go places with her in fantasies, and it's clear to me that I really matter to her. We exist in this little constrained box of group therapy but the relationship is real. She matters to me, she's a part of my life.

Mona is an entirely different story in some interesting ways even though I am similarly smitten and genuinely fond of her, too. When Mona mentions her romantic relationship and indicates that she is not satisfied with it because she isn't being "seen" and consequently "met" by her partner I get jealous. It really happens for me. It's real jealousy. It's:

"Why can't this stupid m-fer open his eyes and see what a jewel is before him?"
"What does she see in this jerk?"
"Why can't we just go somewhere and have sex?"
"Better yet, let's go get married and then have sex."

Mona likes to look at me. We lock eye contact a lot and we remain in it for several minutes uninterrupted. I *really* enjoy looking at her, she's beautiful, and she was wearing this grey fleece-ish rough tailored dress last night that really set off her tan and her blond hair and I was stunned.

Why would I be so jealous of Mona's boyfriend and not of Karen's? I suppose that's because there's something different in a vibrantly very real manner about my relationship with Mona. She's the group member I most frequently fantasize about seeing out of group. I've actually *seen* Karen out of group, we ran into each other at Whole Foods one day. She was stunning in her yoga outfit and she stood close enough to me that I could feel the warmth of her body just an agonizing inch away (we aren't supposed to have any physical contact with other group members). Seeing her kept me high for another day and a half. But, the group member I really want to see outside of group is Mona.

My fantasy is that I have a work function or friends from out of town and I show up with Mona on my arm. Not only is she beautiful, but we really know each other and we like what we know about each other. I don't fantasize about seeing her alone (well, I do, but those are a different kind of fantasy) because I don't have any desire to disrupt our relationship as group members (and that might do that), but we could really, I'm convinced, see each other in a social situation like a dinner out with other people and have a great time without "working" (group parlance for the nitty-gritty of the therapeutic process) outside the group.

Last night, after group, I made a move. I walked with her to catch a cab over on Broadway. Fortunately, we live in opposite directions from our psychologist's office so we don't have to decide about sharing (and all the disclosure that could spring from that) the cab. We walked a block together, we maybe spent 3 minutes together as I waited for her to get a cab before I crossed the street to catch one going the other way. I was completely in infatuation heaven. She's my height, our strides are equal, walking up the block our conversation was easy and warm, it was like the best date I've ever had (or could imagine). She's so beautiful, she so genuinely fond of me, it's really odd how a little moment like that can have real vibrancy in my life. I want to understand what it is about all that which makes it so powerful. From where does it spring and how can I get more of it?

One absolutely unique experience I had in group last night was that Mona and Karen were competing for my attention. I mean, this was completely new and I did not know how to deal with it. I wanted to manage their feelings, I did not want one of them to feel left out while I was engaged with the other, but I couldn't do that and do my respective "work" with each of them. What a problem to have! Two stunningly gorgeous women, both of whom I am dearly fond of and powerfully attracted to, simultaneously wanted my exclusive attention. I felt like Hugh Hefner or something.

Then I spend this three or four minutes walking with Mona out of the group and it is as if we spent the weekend in a hilltop villa in Bermuda. I feel loved, valued, seen and connected.

If I had met either Mona or Karen in another context, in the "outside world," I would have never even approached either one of them for anything more than a distant and polite friendship. Why? Fear of rejection. No, CERTAINTY of rejection. I absolutely would not have been able to fathom the possibility that such beautiful, intelligent, successful women could even *see* me, much less have a real attachment to me. I know that sounds like so much self-defeatist and transparent BS to most of you, but it was as real as the floor beneath my feet.

That kind of self-realization through actual experience is the power of group therapy. My life is changed.

This discussion was created by rdewald (229443) for no Foes, but now has been archived. No new comments can be posted.