SarahAnnAlien's Journal: Hello Again!

I didn't mean to go three months without a journal entry. Honest, I didn't!

A brief summary of what you missed: I was really sick back in April. A friend had to drive me to the emergency room, and we ended up spending all night there. The following week I had screaming headaches but managed to drive myself to the emergency room at 4am, and then later I had to follow up with my neurologist. The general consensus was that all of this fuss was "just" a virus, but it took me about a month to really get over it all.

I actually wrote a couple journal entries during that time, but... well, there were pain pills for the screaming headaches, and I'm not quite sure where those journal entries went... they'll probably turn up someday. Oh well.

So, what's new?

Let me start with the bad news.

I really have given up hope on the whole alien issue.

People will misunderstand this. I haven't told anyone in real life yet, for just that reason.

The logical question that everyone would ask me, if I were to tell them, would be, "oh, so you've decided to go... back?"

This is the fundamental misunderstanding that everyone has about me. That place that they refer to as "back" is someplace I've never been, and someplace I've never even successfully *pretended* to be. I wouldn't know how to go there, and can't think of any reason why I would want to try.

That's not what this is about.

When we finally figured out that my brain chemistry was badly goofed up, and managed to fix it, the whole world changed. I changed too, allegedly. I began, for the first time in my life, to have hopes and dreams for the future.

As time passed, and I learned more about myself and the world I live in, I struggled to try to see how I could turn those hopes and dreams into reality. I looked at where I wanted to be, and what I needed to get there, and couldn't help but notice that there were massive pieces missing. As time passed, I failed to see how to fill in those missing pieces. I also started to look at what had changed about me since the brain chemistry was repaired, and what *hadn't* changed. I realized that some of the things that hadn't changed yet probably wouldn't ever change, because they simply weren't changeable. They were *me*.

Panic started to settle in. I've actually been in and out of that panic state for six months or more.

Those hopes and dreams are all gone now.

In part, this is for self-preservation; the panic was terrible, and I don't cope with anxiety and frustration very well.

There was a significant grieving process I had to go through. I had never had hopes and dreams for the future, so it was quite painful to have them die.

So, to make a long story short, that's what I've given up on. The future.

What's really funny is that despite this massive change to my outlook, nobody in real life has noticed. I've even explained it to my therapist. She doesn't get it.

I think the reason she doesn't get it is that I'm continuing to make progress, and she sees that, and merely notes that I seem very pessimistic.

And I certainly do continue to make progress... but I no longer believe that it will make a significant difference.

I also freely admit that I simply don't know what the future holds for me. My life could turn out wonderfully for all I know. But that will depend entirely on factors out of my control. The missing pieces are not something that I can do anything about, and aren't really a justification for optimism or pessimism.

Now, here comes the really odd thing.

I am, strangely, in a really, really good mood these days!

My therapist thinks I'm a bit pessimistic, but my take on the situation is a little different.

I'm screwed and there is literally nothing I can do about it. I've worried about it, panicked, given up hope, and grieved. And cried. A lot.

But, having accepted that, and dealt with it... I'm actually rather excited about moving on!

In a strange way, declaring things hopeless has been rather liberating. When I was struggling to figure out how to make things come out "right", or even "ok", I felt terrible that I couldn't figure out how to make that happen. I felt really stupid for not being able to figure everything out. I felt weak for not being able to handle it emotionally.

But, having accepted that the situation is hopeless, regardless of any effort or action on my part, I feel a lot better! There isn't anything I can do, so there's no longer any need for me to worry about it! Yay!

So, I'm moving on. Literally!

I've spent the last couple months packing and storing most of my worldly possessions, moving everything that I can do without for the next couple years into storage in an industrial park north of me. A few favorite pieces of furniture went into storage too, but most I'm just giving away. The friend who spent all night in the emergency room with me got my dining room set and my bookcases. This morning I'm waiting for the Salvation Army to come and get the rest of the unwanted furniture, which will leave me with one chair and a folding bed.

My apartment is starting to look very empty... I'm kind of surprised to admit that I really like it this way! I hadn't realized how cluttered this apartment has felt.

Last weekend, I went apartment shopping, and on Sunday, I found what I hope will be the perfect new apartment for me! I'm scheduled to move on the 6th of August. I got the credit approval later the same day; I explained the whole alien thing to the leasing guy and he was totally cool about it and said that it would be fine. (We're still trying to explain the alien thing to the credit reporting agencies... sigh.)

After I move I'll get to redecorate! I'm actually going to try to get just a few pieces of fairly small, lightweight furniture, and not cram the new place full of crap too. It's a good thing I got rid of the dining room table, though; it wouldn't fit in my new dining room.

The new place is an extra $200 a month, but for that extra money I get a much quieter neighborhood, an apartment on the second floor, on the end of the building, with air conditioning, a fireplace, and two bedrooms!

I also get a much-needed change. I've been in my current apartment for eleven years! The bathroom has no ventilation and I have to blow-dry my hair in the kitchen. I've been hoping to leave for the last two years!

Oh, and it will be the first apartment I've ever had that doesn't have a scenic view of a parking lot. (In my first apartment, my dining room window had a view of the parking lot, and the kitchen had a view of the dumpster! In this apartment, the dining room looks out over... a parking lot. The new apartment doesn't have a breathtaking view, but it's parking-lot free!)

There are a couple issues I'm worried about. I'll have a commute for the first time in my life; probably about 20 minutes. On the freeway. I think I'll manage; millions of other people do. The new apartment is in a neighborhood that I couldn't consider living in without a car; the nearest bus stop is about a mile away.

The other thing worth worrying about is brush fires. Two years ago, the neighborhood lost ten homes to a massive brush fire. On the other hand, the fire they had last week didn't reach any buildings. Although they did evacuate the apartment complex that I'll be living in! I'm not particularly worried, though, most of the stuff that means anything to me is actually in storage, which is in another neighborhood entirely, so even in the unlikely event that the building burns down, I still won't lose that much! (And my therapist think's I'm a pessimist... sigh.)

I guess I should explain a little more about getting rid of my furniture and putting almost everything else in storage. The real motivation behind that isn't redecorating, it's mobility. I've been working for more than a year to get ready to move, and I had so much junk that moving would have been immensely painful. Now things are cleared out to the point that it will only take me three or four car trips to move everything, and I'll be able to move all by myself. I won't have to rent a truck, and I won't have to pay movers or coerce friends into helping me. And, in eight months, when my lease expires, if I want to move again, I can just pile everything into the car and move again. I won't be trapped in the same apartment for eleven years again. So I'll be looking for small, lightweight, easy-to-move furnishings when I redecorate.

This will give enough flexibility so that, in the unlikely event that some hope for the future decides to present itself, I'll be able to take advantage of it, and not be tied down with stuff.

So, if I'm working very hard to be ready for a future that I don't expect will appear, does that make me an optimist or a pessimist?

The week before I move I'm going to visit my family for the second time in my new car; one of my missing journal entries detailed my first trip. Short summary: I made it there and back again with no problems, but I did hit a tumbleweed, and I ran over a beach towel that fell out of someone's boat.

After I move, I've got a variety of projects that I may start to work on. I'll probably start working on calculus; if I can re-learn enough, I can go back to school and finish the one course I need to get my degree. The course is only offered in January, though, and I don't think I'll be ready in time for 2006, particularly given that there's probably going to be a lot of other stuff going on, so the earliest that could happen would be 2007. (I almost can't believe that I used to be a teaching assistant for this stuff!)

I was working on learning Cocoa programming for Mac OS X in my spare time, but that kind of got pushed to the side as moving-related activities took precedence. So I may get back to that. I'd like to learn to do device drivers and electronics and embedded stuff again; I've been reading about it lately had apparently forgotten how much fun it is!

I'm thinking about buying a sewing machine; I have a terrible urge to learn to make stuffed animals. Maybe the beanie kind. Not sure yet; I'm still debating this one.

Maybe I just have the urge to make stuff. I'm not sure. But I think, once I'm settled in, I'll follow those urges a bit and see where they lead. I don't have anywhere particular to go at this point, so I may as well explore a bit.

So, is it really such a terrible thing that I've given up hope? Not really. Life goes on!