This is getting scary.

We must fight against the Mozilla organization, for it distributes a "gateway OSS", which leads users down the path towards more powerful OSS, such as perl and emacs, which can be downright dangerous, leading to all sorts of permanent afflictions such as repetitive stress syndrome (featured in the well-known film, "Ctrlfinger"), as well as a gluttonous addiction to loosely typed programming languages. Over time, they tend to turn into "hackers," exploiting and even distributing OSS from their basements. This is just the first stage.

In Stage II, they join nefarious communities, with alien names such as "comp.theory," even wasting weeks and weeks to learn foreign languages just to communicate in locations such as "ruby-dev". They also begin typing in tongues. Just the other day, at our clinic, I walked across one addict with a window open, or I think it was a window -- the screen was all weird with footprints and insignia all over it, and in it he was writing material which looked like text yet did not read like text. It looked like he was trying to express something with a violent combination of chomps and chops and splices!

At Stage III, they begin idol-worship -- of demons and penguins, displaying their idols in public with stickers on their laptops. They begin to find pleasure in strange, alien activities, like changing their keyboard layouts around so that nobody else can use them, and buying calculators that read in input in some backwards order, with no equals key, and then they become fanatics who insist that everybody should learn this backwards method! If you ever see somebody lend out a calculator and then smirk when a borrower innocently walks away, you know they have reached Stage III.

At Stage IV, they wonder how to emulate their freshly bought calculator on their computer, in one of the tongues that they have learned. Those who have spent weeks of using the powerful and addictive OSS called perl begin to write "rpn.pl" in progressively smaller scripts, using that violent abortion of chops and slices. First, they make one that works in twelve lines, which is unhealthily short already. Then they naturally levitate towards three lines, two lines, one and a half lines, exhibiting some obsession towards achieving their goal in less than 80 characters. Some succeed, but only after several nervous breakdowns and complete distachment from spouse and family. Some begin their ramblings with references to primates, as seen in one quotation I've seen,

perl -ape 'eval(("\$s[-2]$_=pop\@s",q[push@s,$_])[!/^[-+*\/] $/])for@F;$_="$s[-1]\n"'

If they succeed, this usually means that Stage V has been reached. It is believed that they begin to realize that they are seriously damaged, because they rather suddenly start mumbling about the "brainfuck" they're enduring. This realization dies away quickly, as they type out long meaningless random strings.

Occasionally, they manage to come out from their mental ruts, but only for short periods of time. These spells give our researchers a rare glimpse at what happens to their minds, as they make repeated references to things that don't exist, except perhaps in their hallucinations. They still have connections to their dreamworld. For example, I mentioned to one patient about how my niece got an A++ on a recent examination in school. And the patient replied, "She got a B? Well, better luck next time." He must have misheard, or so I thought, so I answered, "No, she got an A++," enunciating the A + + slowly. And the patient smiled knowingly, responding: "Exactly. I hope she gets an A next time." I gave up on that conversation.

There are further stages of this terrible affliction, but they would be too graphic to list here. My point is, this "Firefox" isn't just a harmless OSS that causes minor but and temporary impairment; it is the first step of a path towards destruction, and we must fight its spread with all our resources.

Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Turmoil has engulfed the world. The regulation of IP trade with outlying countries is in dispute. Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly lawyers, the greedy Corporate Interests has stopped all shipping to the nation of China. While the WTO endlessly debates this alarming chain of events, the President has secretly dispatched two Elite Programmers, the guardians of peace and justice in the world, to settle the conflict....

Episode II: Attack of the Regulations

There is unrest in the WTO. Several dozen nations have declared their intentions to defeat planned regulations. This separatist movement,under the leadership of the mysterious Count Johansen, has made it difficult for the limited number of Elite Programmers to maintain IP control in the world. Representative Wen Jiabao, the former premier of China, is returning to the WTO to vote on the critical issue of creating an ARMY OF LAWYERS to assist the overwhelmed Programmers...

Episode III: Revenge of the Corporations

Trade War! The WTO is crumbling under attacks by the ruthless Pirate, Count Johansen. There are heroes on both sides. Evil is everywhere. In a stunning move, the fiendish pirate leader, General Brocious, has swept into the American capital and copied the entire MPAA archives. As the Pirate Army attempts to flee the country with their valuable contents, two Elite Programmers lead a desperate mission to protect the intellectual property....

Episode IV: A New Hope

It is a period of trade war. Chinese pirates, striking from a hidden internet connection, have won their first victory against the evil American Empire. During the battle, Chinese spies managed to steal secret plans to America's ultimate weapon, DRM, an encrypted media link with enough legislative power behind it to destroy an entire fair use system. Pursued by America's sinister agents, Princess Hua Ching races to /home on her computer, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her data and restore fair use to the world.

Episode V: America Strikes Back

It is a dark time for the Pirates. Although the DRM has been cracked, American troops have driven the Pirate forces from their hidden
internet cafes and pursued them across the world. Evading the dreaded American Lawsuits, a group of freedom fighters led by Crazney
has established a new secret base on the remote ice country of Norway. The evil lord George Bush, obsessed with finding young Crazney, has dispatched thousands of remote packet sniffers into the far reaches of IPV4 space...

Episode VI: Return of Fair Use

Crazney has returned to his home country of Australia in an attempt to rescue his friend Professor Felten from the clutches of the vile gangster Mitch Bainwol. Little does Crazney know that the AMERICAN EMPIRE has secretly begun development on a DRM method even more powerful than the first dreaded DRM. When completed, this ultimate weapon will spell certain doom for the small band of pirates struggling to restore fair use to the world....

Doesn't the loaves & fishes story sort of correlate with file sharing today? In that time, some people's primary income was derived from fishing or baking bread, and Jesus took the fruits of their labor, made copies, and distributed them to thousands of people.

Many, many years ago when I was 23
I was married to a Wider who was purty as can be
This Wider had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red
My father fell in love with her and soon they two were wed

This made my dad my son-in-law and changed my very life
For my daughter was my mother cause she was my father's wife
To complicate the matter even though it brought me joy
I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy

I'm my own grampa,
I'm my own grampa
It sounds funny I know
But it really is so
I'm my own grampa

My little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad
And so became my uncle though it made me very sad
For if he was my uncle then that also made him brother
Of the Wider's grown up daughter who of course was my step-mother

My father's wife then had a son who kept them on the run
And he became my granchild for he was my daughters son
My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue
Because although she is my wife she's my grandmother too

I'm my own grampa,
I'm my own grampa
It sounds funny I know
But it really is so
I'm my own grampa

Oh if my wife is my grandmother then I'm her grandchild
And every time I think of it, it nearly drives me wild
For now I have become strangest case you ever saw
As husband of my own grandmother I'm my own grampa

I'm my own grampa,
I'm my own grampa
It sounds funny I know
But it really is so
I'm my own grampa

Salesman: Mr. Smith, here's your new car.
Mr. Smith: Thanks, Bill. Say, where's the seat belts?
Salesman: Oh, that'll be extra.
Mr. Smith: There's no windows or doorlocks either?
Salesman: Oh, that's extra, too.
Mr. Smith: I'm confused, Bill. Isn't my car supposed to be fully functional and include safety features?
Salesman: Well, Mr. Smith, we can include them on a trial bases for 30 days, but you'll have to return them or pay the subscription price.
Mr. Smith: What the f*ck, Bill? You mean I have to PAY repeatedly for something that should come with my car?
Salesman: Yes, Mr. Smith. Did you not read the EULA?
Mr. Smith: I think I want my money back.
Salesman: I'm afraid I can't let you do that, Mr. Smith.
Mr. Smith: Why the f*ck not?
Salesman: Because by opening the car door, you agreed to the EULA and you are bound to its terms and conditions.
Mr. Smith: You're a bastard, Bill.
Salesman: Actually, I'm the spawn of Satan.

We believe in one OS,
the Father, the Almighty
Creator of Heaven, Earth, and the Internet,
Of all that is seen, unseen, and can be seen in beseen.com.

We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ,
the only instance of The Father
eternally begotten of the Father
God from God, Light from Light,
true God from true God
Instantiated, not made. One in being with the Father
Through Him, all objects were initialized.

For us men and for our salvation,
He was downloaded from Heaven
By the power of the Holy Spirit,
He was ejected by the Virgin Mary, and became Man

For our sake he was executed under Pontius Pilate;
He had a GPF, froze, and was abnormally terminated.
On the third day he was rebooted
in fulfillment of the OS documentation;

He was uploaded into Heaven
and is installed as a plugin at the right hand of the Father.
He will come again in a future release as a patch to fix all bugs and viruses
and His kingdom will loop infinitely.

We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord the power supply,
who proceeds from the Father and the Son.
With the Father and Son He is worshipped and glorified.
He has flamed, spammed, and has sent streaming audio to the Prophets.

We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic user group.
We acknowledge one CTRL-ALT-DEL for the rebooting after errors.
We look for the final upload,
and life of the world to come. [OK]

1. The typical customer is male, unattractive, and socially handicapped
2. Both are frequently enjoyed in dark basements
3. The size of your collection is obscene
4. It's not a good idea to talk about either on a first date
5. Both revolve around fantasy and obtaining the unobtainable
6. The artwork depicts images impossible in the real world
7. When purchasing either in a store, you always ask for a bag
8. It may be fun to make your own at home, but rarely turns out as good as the professionally produced stuff
9. If you saw a woman buying either, you'd probably want to ask her out
10. Extra excitement can be added with the use of props and / or costumes
11. Low quality versions of both can be found for free on the Internet
12. Countless Usenet groups are dedicated to both
13. In either case, a gang of heavily-muscled men in leather with whips spells trouble
14. Everyone uses a silly, made-up name
15. It is not uncommon for participants to assume the opposite gender
16. Both are frowned upon by the conservative right
17. You usually take interest in both around age 13
18. New purchases are usually looked at once, then put on the shelf
19. The best and worst examples of each was produced in the '70s
20. The German versions of each are the most bizarre
21. Both are plagued with bad dialogue
22. You usually spend a lot more time enjoying each alone than with a group of friends
23. Everyone's called in to work sick at least once to stay home and enjoy one or the other
24. Both make excellent bathroom reading
25. There's always a big finish when you get to fire your gun
26. Hollywood's attempts to mainstream both have been largely unsuccessful
27. The hero's prized possession is his big, black gun
28. Plots are often present only to serve the action scenes
29. The story can be set anywhere from spaceships to dungeons
30. While the person directing the action is usually blamed for a bad experience, it's usually the fault of poor writing
31. Characters can have either high APPEARANCE or STAMINA, but rarely both
32. You can tell the climax is imminent when the characters start screaming
33. Candles and music enhance the mood
34. You can meet your favorite B-list stars at the annual convention
35. One word: Dwarves

1. Specifications are for the weak and timid!
2. This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!
3. You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon.
4. Indentation?! -- I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
5. What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software' releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.
6. Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' -- they have 'arguments' -- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
7. Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
8. I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again.
9. A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
10. By filing this SPR you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!
11. You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
12. Our users will know fear and cower before our software. Ship it! Ship it, and let them flee like the dogs they are!

Questions and Answers about Foreign Policy
(and the U.S. Invasion of Iraq)
by anarchie bunker
http://www.geocities.com/anarchiebunker/foreignpolicy.htm

Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?
A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction.
Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.
A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.
Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?
A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.
Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any weapons Of mass destruction, did we?
A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden. Don't worry, we'll find something, probably right before the 2004 election.
Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass destruction?
A: To use them in a war, silly.
Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that they planned to use in a war, then why didn't they use any of those weapons when we went to war with them?
A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the thousands rather than defend themselves.
Q: That doesn't make sense. Why would they choose to die if They had all those big weapons with which they could have fought back?
A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make sense.
Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had any of those weapons our government said they did.
A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not they had those weapons. We had another good reason to invade them anyway.
Q: And what was that?
A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator, which is another good reason to invade another country.
Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK to Invade his country?
A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.
Q: Kind of like what they do in China?
A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good economic competitor, where millions of people work for slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations richer.
Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for American corporate gain, it's a good country, even if that country tortures people?
A: Right.
Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?
A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the government. People who criticized the government in Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?
A: I told you, China is different.
Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?
A: Well, for one thing, Iraq was ruled by the Ba'ath party, while China is Communist.
Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?
A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.
Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?
A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Like in Iraq?
A: Exactly.
Q: And like in China, too?
A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor. Cuba, on the other hand, is not.
Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?
A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our government Passed some laws that made it illegal for Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until they stopped being
communists and started being capitalists like us.
Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade with Cuba, and started doing business with them, wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalists?
A: Don't be a smart-ass.
Q: I didn't think I was being one.
A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of religion in Cuba.
Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?
A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China. Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a military coup, so he's not really a Legitimate leader anyway.
Q: What's a military coup?
A: That's when a military general takes over the government of a country by force, instead of holding free elections like we do in the United States.
Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a military coup?
A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he did, but Pakistan is our friend.
Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is illegitimate?
A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.
Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to power by Forcibly overthrowing the legitimate government of a nation is an Illegitimate leader?
A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our friend, because he helped us invade Afghanistan.
Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?
A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.
Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?
A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men - fifteen of them Saudi Arabians - hijacked four airplanes and flew three of them into buildings, killing over 3,000 Americans.
Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?
A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under the oppressive rule of the Taliban.
Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who chopped off people's heads and hands?
A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did they chop off people's heads and hands, but they oppressed women, too.
Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43 million dollars back in May of 2001?
A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did such a Good job fighting drugs.
Q: Fighting drugs?
A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping people from growing opium poppies.
Q: How did they do such a good job?
A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads cut off.
Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and hands for Growing flowers, that was OK, but not if hey cut people's heads and Hands off for other reasons?
A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic fundamentalists cut off people's hands for growing flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off people's hands for stealing bread.
Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in Saudi Arabia?
A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with death by stoning as the
penalty for women who did not comply.
Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public, too?
A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic body covering.
Q: What's the difference?
A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers all of a woman's body except For her eyes and fingers. The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of Patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's body except for her Eyes and fingers.
Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different name.
A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.
Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on September 11th were from Saudi Arabia.
A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.
Q: Who trained them?
A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.
Q: Was he from Afghanistan?
A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a bad man, a very bad man.
Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.
A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.
Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?
A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.
Q: So the Soviets - I mean, the Russians - are now our friends?
A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but then they decided not to Support our invasion of Iraq, so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the French and the Germans because they didn't help us invade Iraq either.
Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?
A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had to rename French Fries and French toast to Freedom Fries and Freedom Toast.
Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country doesn't Do what we want them to do?
A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we invade...
Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the 1980s?
A: Well, yeah. For a while.
Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?
A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran, which made him our friend, temporarily.
Q: Why did that make him our friend?
A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.
Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?
A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the time, we looked the other way, to show him we were his friend.
Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies automatically becomes our friend?
A: Most of the time, yes.
Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is automatically an enemy?
A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American Corporations can profit by selling weapons to both sides at the same time all the better.
Q: Why?
A: Because war is good for the economy, which means war is good for America. Also, since God is on America's side anyone who opposes war is a godless unAmerican Communist. Do you understand now why we attached Iraq?
Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us to, right?
A: Yes.
Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?
A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W. Bush and tells him what to do.
Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we attacked Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in his head.
A: Yes! You finally understand how the world works, Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go to sleep. Goodnight.
Q: Goodnight daddy.

Here's my handy dandy guide to staying out of trouble in Salem (Days of our Lives).

1. If you go to jail blame it on Stefano or drugs. You will almost always get off.
2. If you go to jail do not hire Mickey as your lawyer. You will always remain in jail.
3. Get on Stefano's good side ASAP. If you do, you can indulge in the joys of virtual reality goggles, fooling your friends with dingy lookalikes of yourself, and easy revenge on your rivals. If you tick Stefano off you run the risk of being brainwashed, locked in a cage, trapped in a secret room, having a mind control device implanted in your teeth, and artificially inseminated. Luckily there is still a chance that you could be one of Stefano's several long lost illegitimate children.
4. If you haven't seen someone in years, just mention them out of the blue and weeks later they will come to town looking for you. (Unfortunately, they will almost always be stalking you.)
5. Couples have trouble conceiving children in Salem. A good idea is to sleep around on your significant other. You will have more children than your nanny will know what do with. (Remember, raising children in Salem is socially unacceptable.)
6. If you can't afford a nanny send your children to Colorado for a couple years. They will come back as full grown teenagers. (A side effect is that they become very whiny and give you a lot of lip.)
7. Fortunately, time does not exist in Salem. Some people can stay the same age for years and date their next door neighbor who used to be five during their first year of being thirty.
8. Never compete with Marlena. She always wins.
9. Don't waste your time trying to kill Stefano. He's survived drowning, tunnel explosions, lightning storms, and terminal brain tumors, so nothing you throw at him will work.
10. Whatever you do, never ever under any circumstances be mean to Samantha Brady. If you do, you run the risk off being handcuffed naked to the scaffolding of a building, having your pecker blown off, being drugged and raped, getting falsely arrested for smacking your child, or being blackmailed.
11. If you can't find a job never fear. There are plenty of executive positions available at Titan Publishing -- no education needed. If that doesn't work you can always be a physical therapist with Taylor.
12. If you find out you have an identical twin or a lookalike, save yourself the trouble and kill him or her. If you don't, you run the risk of him or her taking over your identity and ordering horrible outfits for your wedding.
13. Everyone can be blackmailed.
14. Never ever talk to John Black. If you do you run the risk of getting pregnant.
15. Everywhere in the world is always fifteen minutes away from you.
16. Men in Salem are inherently stupid.
17. Women in Salem are either:
    • very gullible
    • very whiny
    • very bitchy OR
    • very weak willed

1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
3. Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
4. "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.
5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
6. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
7. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
8. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
9. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
10. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
11. HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.
12. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
13. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
15. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
16. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
17. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
18. You support states' rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.
19. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
20. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

http://www.riddikulus.org/authors/evieblack/magic.html

Not so long ago in a galaxy very, very near, the evil forces of LORD VOLDEMORT have constructed a horrific new weapon designed to destroy entire cities with a single curse. With this DEATH ROUND THINGY OF DOOM aimed at Hogwarts, they kidnap Hermione Granger, a leader of the resistance against evil.

When Hermione refuses to reveal the location of Harry Potter, Lord Voldemort and his Death Troopers plan to destroy the Hogwarts Castle.

Fortunately, they discover that it is too protected by charms to be destroyed by the Death Round Thingy of Doom, but the evil forces then aim their weapon at muggle London and send Death Troopers to occupy the village of Hogsmeade. . .

***

"Nice new hairstyle, Hermione," Ron commented. "Trying to attract a good-looking guy like me, huh?"

Hermione rolled her eyes and self-consciously touched the buns on each side of her head. "I'd sooner kiss a goblin!"

"Who said anything about kissing, princess?" Ron snidely remarked.

"Harry!" Hermione exclaimed, throwing her arms around her friend and kissing his cheek.

"Hey, Hermione, Ron," Harry said uncertainly, as Hermione kept her arm around his shoulders. He gave Hermione a puzzled look. "Glad to see you've successfully escaped the forces of Lord Voldemort, Hermione."

"Thanks, my dear, dear Harry," she said, pecking him on the lips. "Naturally, I refused to reveal your location, though I can't imagine why Voldemort didn't know you were at Hogwarts."

"Probably just a plot hole that the author of this fic didn't bother to fill up," Ron suggested. "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players."

"Yeah, that's right," Harry agreed. "If they destroy London, do you think the Dursleys will go, too?"

***

The following afternoon the trio inexplicably wandered into Death Trooper-occupied Hogsmeade.

"Look, Harry, Death Troopers!" Hermione yelled.

"Lumos-saber!" Harry said, flicking his wand. A glowing blue light grew out of the end of the wand, becoming about three feet long and buzzing strangely. He twirled it around spectacularly and decapitated a few stray troopers.

"Wow, Harry, that was wonderful!" said Hermione, kissing his cheek. "Why don't you do something great like that, Ron?"

Ron rolled his eyes. "I'm not in it for your revolution, princess, and I'm surely not in it for you."

"Ron, why do you keep calling me princess?"

***

It was a strange day in Charms class. Professor Flitwick was demonstrating how to use a wand to deflect blasts. "Feel the flow of the energy field, you must. You must unlearn what you have learned."

Hermione looked a little uneasy. Ron stood up cockily and said, "Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for good blaster at your side!" With that, he left the room.

Hermione yelled back, "Get back in here, you scruffy-looking nerf herder! You do what I tell you!"

"You're not the boss of me! And you could use a good kiss!"

Harry rolled his eyes.

***

The brave heroes were strolling across the yard at Hogwarts when a thought suddenly occurred to Harry. "We should go and destroy the Death Round Thingy of Doom!"

"Why us, Harry? We're just young wizards? What do we know?" Ron said skeptically.

"Nothing really, but don't you think it'd be fun?"

"Yeah!" said Hermione and Ron enthusiastically.

They hopped aboard the Hogwarts Express and immediately went to London.

***

The Death Round Thingy of Doom loomed in the gray sky menacingly. "Look at the size of that thing!" Hermione said.

"Let's hitch a ride with some Death Troopers!" Harry suggested.

"Yo, Mr. Death Trooper," Hermione shouted, "would you give us a ride up to the Death Round Thingy of Doom?"

"Sure!" said the amiable trooper. "And look at this nifty scar I have on my arm!"

***

They unloaded onto the main deck of the massive Death Round Thingy of Doom. "Where's Lord Voldemort?" Harry asked.

"Right here," said a breathy voice behind them. "I've been expecting you, young Potter."

Harry turned to Ron and Hermione. "I'd better handle this on my own while you two go have your own adventure."

"Okay!" they said.

***

Ron and Hermione wandered off into the lounge of the Death Round Thingy of Doom. "I hope Harry doesn't get himself killed," Hermione said.

"Yeah," said Ron absentmindedly as he started playing with Hermione's hands.

"Stop that, Ron! My hands are dirty!"

"My hands are dirty, too, what are you afraid of?"

"I'm not afraid of anything, you scoundrel!"

"You need some scoundrels in your life, princess!"

"I happen to like nice men!" Hermione objected.

"I'm nice men!" Ron protested.

"No you're not, you're mean, ugly, and stupid!" Hermione said. The two then refused to speak to each other for the next five minutes.

***

Harry pulled out his wand and shouted, "Lumos-saber!"

Voldemort did the same, with his wand ejecting a blazing red flame.

"You must give in to your anger, young Potter. It is the only way for you to become truly powerful."

"Oh, whatever!" Harry responded as they poked their wands spastically at one another.

"Dumbledore never told you what happened to your father, did he?" Voldemort asked.

"He told me enough!" Harry shot back. "He told me you killed him!"

"No, Harry, I didn't kill your father," Voldemort paused. "I am your father."

Harry gasped. "Noooooooooooooo!!"

"Search your feelings, Harry. You know it to be true."

"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Oh, shut up, you dork. I'll cut off your hand." As if to prove his threat, Voldemort immediately grabbed the boy's arm, cut off his hand, and tossed it nonchalantly across the room. "There, now. Join me and we can rule the world as father and son!"

"I'll never join you, you evil hand chopper-offer!" Harry shouted. And with that, he ran out of the room to find Hermione and Ron.

***

Harry found Hermione and Ron sitting on a sofa with pinched, angry expressions on their faces. "Voldemort cut off my hand!" Harry said.

Ron looked as if he were about to pass out.

"Harry, I can't believe you let him do that do you. You idiot," Hermione said. "Dumbledore will have to fix that later. Did you pick up your hand?"

"Got it right here," Harry said, gesturing toward his pocket. "Let's get out of here!"

***

Just as they were about to exit the Death Round Thingy of Doom, Hermione noticed a button that said "Self-Destruct."

"Hey, Harry and Ron! I've got a bright idea! Let's push this button and run really fast!"

***

As the remnants of the Death Round Thingy of Doom flew over their heads in a fiery mass, they caught sight of the laughing shape of Voldemort flying overhead.

Hermione grabbed on to Harry's shirt in fear.

Voldemort shouted from above, "I wouldn't get too friendly with Harry Potter if I were you, Hermione. You know he's your brother, right?"

Hermione looked embarrassed and immediately turned to Ron. "I love you," she said.

Ron smirked. "I know."

The three ran really, really fast, and somehow ended up back at Hogwarts safe and sound.

THE END

2001 FREESTYLE WINNER:
"I Answered All My Spam"
by Alex Silbajoris, Columbus, Ohio

I Answered All My Spam

I never know what I might find,
on any day I go online.
I used to get in quite a huff,
while wading through unwanted stuff.
But then I changed the man I am,
the day I answered all my spam.

Now every time I check my box,
I load up on fantastic stocks.
I'll gladly say I felt no loss,
when, with a smile, I fired my boss.
With just one click, the best thing yet,
I freed myself of all my debt.

I have, paying a few small fees,
ten university degrees.
Now that I'm losing all this weight,
I'm sure, someday, I'll get a date.
Instead of going to a show,
I spy on everyone I know.
(That's easy, since I have in hand,
this nifty wireless video cam.)

I spend my evenings viewing screens,
of barely legal horny teens.
And with a little credit charge,
Whoopee! My penis was enlarged!
Meanwhile these shots of Britney Spears
should be enough to last for years.

And so I lead this online life,
my monitor is now my wife.
It has become my greatest dream,
to launch my own get-rich-quick scheme.
And if you think you might get missed,
relax, you're on my e-mail list.

Something I've wondered about is the legalities of 'fuzzy' recordings.

eg : you download a 160kbps MP3, the RIAA gives you a court order for copyright infringement. The copyright is for a song that they have the rights for.

But is their copyright valid for the digital representation of the song? The RIAA'd argue yes , of course it is, after all CD's contain binary 16 bit samples of audio at 44.1kHz.

But, even with your leet 160kbps mp3, you don't have an exact duplicate in it's entirety - not by a long shot. Could you argue that your MP3 is just a summary of the original work? It's 1/10th the size, isn't it? To draw (hah!) a parallel in the art world, does my rough sketch of monet's sunflowers constitute copyright infringement? Hardly.

Take a leaf from the SCO debacle, and print out a copy of both the CD digital audio and your MP3 onto paper and politely ask the prosecutor to underline the offending parts of your data for you. Just the sheer difference in size of your printouts would go some way in convincing the court that they are not the same.

If they pull the "for all intents and purposes" response, just wheel out the expert witnesses and the double-blind tests, and the sonographs of distortion. You should be able to prove that the audio that your collection of bits on your drive represent is completely different to the audio from the collection of bits on the CD.

What am I missing here? Why is this defence not used?

DARTH SIDIOUS I find it amazing that your overwhelming stupidity is only offset by your incredible ability with a lightsaber. You've come a long way from those days on Naboo when you were tripping over every single available object.

DARTH JAR JAR Mesa not cuttin' off mesa arms, mesa not cuttin' off mesa legs! Mesa muy good with a lightsaber, Darth Sidious!

DARTH SIDIOUS (massaging his temple) Christ, I need a Tylenol.

DARTH JAR JAR Whatsa bein' wrong, Darth Sidious?

DARTH SIDIOUS Jar Jar, please, don't talk again. Just listen to me.

DARTH JAR JAR Okieday! Mesa listenin' to you now!

DARTH SIDIOUS God, I need a drink, too. Look, Jar Jar. I'm going to take you to fight the Jedi. We're going to lure Anakin to the Dark Side, and...

DARTH JAR JAR (interrupting) Nooooo! Little Annie?

DARTH SIDIOUS Jar Jar, I'm serious. Shut your stupid mouth and listen to me, or I will make you suffer as you've never suffered before, all right?

DARTH JAR JAR Okieday, mesa shuttin mesa mouth now!

DARTH SIDIOUS Jesus. All right, here's the deal - we lure Anakin over to the Dark Side, which should be easy to do. I'm surprised he hasn't drifted over here yet of his own free will. He was a little pouty brat of a kid, and he was a surly, rude, angry teenager who pouted and got all pissy when he didn't get his own way. Now he's a little older and he's still acting like a petulant teenager. I will simply have him embrace his rage, and he will join us.

DARTH JAR JAR But Darth Sidious, if Annie besa joinin' us, doesn't that mean hesa goin' to have to kill mesa?

DARTH SIDIOUS (hurriedly) No, no, of course not, Jar Jar. We've...um...abandoned those usual rules. Yeah, that's right. Now there can be a master and two apprentices.

DARTH JAR JAR Oooooohhhhhhh. Okieday! Mesa ready to besa killin' the Jedi!

DARTH SIDIOUS (quietly) I can't wait until Anakin joins us.

BOBA FETT steps out on to the balcony. SIDIOUS and JAR JAR turn to look at him.

DARTH JAR JAR Hey there, little Boba! How's yousa doin' today?

BOBA FETT Shut up, Jar Jar.

DARTH SIDIOUS Now, Boba, is that any way to talk to a Sith Lord?

BOBA FETT (his mouth hangs open in amazement for a moment, but then he composes himself) You've got to be kidding me. Tell me that's a joke.

DARTH JAR JAR Nonono, it's not bein' a joke! Mesa a Sith Lord! Mesa havin' mesa own lightsaber!

BOBA FETT This has got to be the stupidest damned thing you've ever done, Palpatine.

DARTH SIDIOUS What did I tell you? When I'm in the robes, you're supposed to call me Darth Sidious.

BOBA FETT Oh, blow me.

DARTH SIDIOUS Boba, you will maintain a tone of respect with me, or I swear that I will...

BOBA FETT (interrupting) You'll what? Oooooh, more threats. I'm really scared of you, "dad."

DARTH SIDIOUS That's it! Go to your room!

BOBA FETT No.

DARTH SIDIOUS Go to your room, Boba, or I'll have Jar Jar here cut off your head.

BOBA FETT If he doesn't cut his own head off first. Stupid, clumsy idiot.

DARTH SIDIOUS That's enough, Boba! Go to your room!