The worn dirt path led farther into nowhere, away from anything John knew and away from the pain that consumed him.

It was a difficult life he lived, broken and suddenly meaningless.

When a thought surfaced that he did not like, he walked faster and hummed to himself. Sometimes the activity would distract him; often it did not. The memories would come eventually, breaking through the dam of his subconscious in streams and rivulets, until at last he was overcome and swept away in the flood of them.

John blinked to clear his vision, choked back a sob. It was strange to be the object of hatred and scorn, especially when those feelings began and ended with him. He vaguely hoped, when he was not concentrating on the mundane tasks of survival and walking, that he would die out here. Death was the final answer to all of his problems, a justice he welcomed, a way to rejoin those he had put away from himself with the best of intentions. But he couldn't take his own life. It was beyond him to do that.

Rain fell softly from the grey skies above him in a fine mist. Though he wore a hooded jacket and could have sheltered himself, john did nothing to stop himself from becoming wet. He walked, following the path to its conclusion, not caring where or what that would be. A bird sang out from a broad-leaved and beautiful oak beside the path. Its song was poignant and empty, as if it mourned for all that he had lost.

John cried soundlessly, and kept walking.

This "theory" (in actuality, it is not a theory, just a lameass idea i had) is fun to consider and full of possibility. it tickles me intellectually that such a thing could conceivably be correct . . . but in all likelihood, it is completely, utterly incorrect in every possible way.

that being said, i shall proceed.

I propose that there is only one material in the universe; a single substance from which all other substances derive. This substance is space, and it is, in its natural state, a zero-energy, massless, frictionless material.

When i say that it is massless, i mean only that it is of constant and uniform mass, the baseline against which all other masses are measured. In practice and function it is our zero; in reality, its mass is arbitrary and meaningless, so long as we realize that it is a constant of the lowest possible order.

picture an unmoving sea of fluid. this is space. there is no energy. there is no matter. there is only space, and no part of space is in any way distinguishable from any other part. In fact, there is only the one part. space is a non-particular fluid. OH HO! interesting.

Now imagine that something stirs the fluid. Currents, waves, whirlpools, and other such things appear. although these things are distinguishable from each other and the rest of the fluid, they are still part of the body as a whole and composed ENTIRELY of the original fluid.

It is useful to consider space in this manner. apply energy to it, and suddenly odd things occur. a whirpool in space could be a particle.

also, remember that space is frictionless - so these movements, once started, will not stop.

i like to think of quarks as tiny spinning bubbles or whirls of space with a perfect vaccuum at their core. i like to think of light as sort of a current. energy applied to space at a vector, er . . a ray. this could possibly explain the bizarre nature of light. it could propagate in a vaccuum (because there is no vaccum, it acctually space). it could behave as a wave . . because that's what it IS. and it could behave as a particle in some instances, because it is only a different manifestation of space, the same material that a particle is constructed from.

this is especially useful in matter/antimatter annihilations, where light is emitted and the matter (and antimatter) disappears. rather than saying that the matter and antimatter convert into photons or some other nonsense, we can simply say that their cores collapse and the energy of their spins is released in straight lines as light.

honestly, this makes as much sense as saying that a sea of zero-energy photons exists . . or saying that objects are constantly emitting streams of particles OF WHICH they AREN'T actually composed.

at any rate, under this set of assumptions, the entire universe and everything in it can be reduced to a peculiar construction of a universal material; individual parts being distinguishable but not seperated from the parent material, dependent upon their motions relative to each other and the parent substance.

and of course, the only true form of energy here would be motion. I'll save that for another time though, specifically when i cover my equally ridiculous views of time.

Racial, Ethnic, Sexist, Cultural, Religious and Political Slurs:

My main opposition to slurs is not that they exist, but that they are inadequate and antiquated. PLEASE - think before you slur!

For instance - the term "raghead". While I can appreciate the forces behind this slur at its time of inception, I believe that it is no longer viable. For instance, most of the iraqis that I see on CNN are not wearing towels or rags on their heads. This is a problem, because calling a person a rag or towelhead sort of necessitates the wearing of a rag or towel like dressing on the head of that person.

The iraqi people DO seem to have an overwhelming preference for khaki pants, AK-47s, and Rocket Propelled Grenades. They tend to have mustaches, and they also seem to enjoy throwing shoes.

Here is a more acceptable and applicable slur, based on modern guidelines and the news coverage I have viewed: "Those goddamn shoe throwing Kahkis just blew up another fucking fuel truck. Those Mustachers and their AKs are just way the hell out of control."

Now isn't that better?

I also implore certain overzealous islamic sects to stop using the term "White Devil". "Great Satan" is much more broad and general, and is therefore the more appropriate term. However, if specificity is the aim of these remarks, we should try adopting the term "Egocentric Multicultural Capitalist (she/he)Devils" as this more accurately encompasses your hate-target.

Drunkenness as it pertains to driving and other pursuits:

I recognize that drunk driving is a very serious problem. I think that we are solving it in the wrong manner however.

What we SHOULD do is make it mandatory to drink a certain obscene amount of alcohol before a person is allowed to leave. Then they should be forced to fight other drunks with electro-batons in a filthy pit behind the bar. The winner of the tournament gains exclusive privileges to drive himself home. The losers have to stay in the bar until they can pass a breathalyzer test or become the KING OF THE DRUNKS in the electro-baton throwdown.

I do not actually advocate this in any manner, and believe it to be stupid. But stupidity can be fun, and i would definitely rent the videos.

Honesty in Christmas Cards

Christmas comes but once a year! While we're all 'tis-ing the season this year, let's reflect on Christmases past and what the holidays really mean to us.

To a brief acquaintance:

Dearest person,

Though we have apparently met before, I must admit that I can recall your face only vaguely and your name not at all. Here's celebrating peace through mutual obscurity. May we continue to hint at each other's supposed existence while tacitly acknowledging our respective unimportance to each other through the magic of signed stock greetings for many Christmases to come (or until we run out of envelopes).

To Your Boss:

Happy Christmas. I hope you enjoy spending time with your loved ones as much as I enjoy being forced to work a double shift to cover for you. I think I speak for all of us stuck here at the office when I say that I fervently hope that you don't choke on a piece of meat or have your eyes gouged out and fed to you or anything unpleasant like that.

To the stinky person:

Christmas has come again, like a cool, minty breeze of goodwill. Christmas, unlike some people, is always freshly scrubbed and nice smelling. Let us inhale the sweet scent of the holiday, and exhale the malodorous stench of dubious hygiene.

To the Bitch:

May the Christmas season find you relaxing in a cozy spot by a crackling fire, enjoying a nice, warm cup of die bitch we hate you.

RUSTYSOFT END USER LICENSE AGREEMENT

By using or installing this software, the user certifies that he/she will confer upon the person of one [NAME AND ADDRESS WITHELD], the sum of Two Hundred Eighty Trillion (280,000,000,000,000) US Dollars, as well as all right to property and estate owned presently or acquired at some future date by the user.

In addition, user certifies that he/she will bind themselves in contractual servitude to [CENSORED] for a term not less than 50 years and not greater than the remainder of his/her natural life.

User agrees that he/she will not attempt to uninstall either partially or completely, any portion, piece, part, or participle of this program through any means, including, but not limited to: electronic manipulation, physical destruction, accidental breakage, sale of computer, loss of computer, theft of computer, or use of the handy uninstall routine included in this software package. Use of the uninstall routine to circumvent RUSTYSOFT CopyProtectionProPlus' patented copy protection scheme will constitute a violation of Intellectual Property rights and federal law under the DMCA, and could result in the dismemberment and subsequent feeding of all parts, portions, participles, segments, chunks and/or giblets of user's corpse to the Inmates of the RUSTYSOFT EVIL RACCOON RECREATION PARK AND BEHAVIORAL REHABILITATION FACILITY in Tampa, Florida. Such violations will also indicate the violator's approval, consent, and insistence upon the removal of his/her sex organs and the molestation of his/her spouse by [EXPLETIVE DELETED], provided he displays any interest in such activities, and also grants RUSTYSOFT the right to instead choose, as suitable compensation for lost sexual gratification, the option of selling the user's family into slavery for profit.

The user agrees to regularly violate his/her own anus with electrical probes and garden tools.

-------------------------------------

This is the story of a forest. A MAGIC forest. A magic forest . . . . OF LOVE!

Once upon a time in the magic forest of love, the Pepsi man was trying to change out the drinks in the soda machine.

A squirrel hopped up, smiling, and asked him for a free pepsi.

"DID YOU JUST CALL ME A NEGRO?!?!?!" screamed the pepsi man. Then he took of his shoe and used it to beat the squirrel to death. The other animals forgot to tell the squirrel that the pepsi man was insane.

Later, two wildebeests were mating in a pond near mister badger's house. Mister badger called the police. When the police arrived, they found the wildebeests in the throes of animal passion, humping each other real good. Thinking quickly, the police hid in the bushes and masturbated until the action was over. Then they all went over to mister badger's house and stole his patio furniture.

The police in the magic forest of love weren't especially good at their jobs. They also weren't really police. They were more like perverted thieves actually, and the only people who ever called them was mister badger. God knows why. Mister badger called the police and lodged a complaint. He was always doing dumb shit like that.

That night, mister badger heard a knock at the door. It was the papa john's pizza delivery man! He had a large pizza and a free pepsi for mister badger, who did not recall ordering a pizza at all.

"I didn't order this," said mister badger.

"You still have to pay for it," said the guy, "it's company policy."

Mister badger couldn't argue with that, so he paid for the pizza.

"A tip would be nice," said the delivery guy.

"Oh, I'll GIVE you a TIP," said mister badger, waving the tip of his cane at the guy.

"Ok" said the guy.

"I'll GIVE you a TIP alright!" said mister badger.

"ok, that would be great," said the guy.

"I'll GIVE YOU A TIP IN YOUR HAND MISTER!" screamed mister badger as he slapped a five dollar bill down in the guy's palm.

"Thanks" said the guy, and then he left.

The police watched from the bushes, snickering. They stopped snickering when they saw how much mister badger was actually enjoying the pizza though.

"MM!! OH GOD!" said mister badger, "Oh god I'm CUMMING!"

but of course he wasn't, that was just a figure of speech.

The police frowned and went home. It wasn't as funny as it should have been. Later they burned down mister badger's house and they felt much better about themselves.

It wasn't long until a billygoat happened by on his way to tokyo for the SUPER ANIMECON 03~~ he saw a lot of mushrooms on the forest floor and decided against eating them. There is a lesson to be learned in that.

Later that night, a ninja appeared with a bath towel wrapped around his waist.

"WTF," said a nearby groundhog. "WTF-ing F??"

Then the ninja began to dance and throw candy.

But none of that could quell my craving for cool ranch doritos.

The End

-------- RIAA Sues Fetus, Potted Plant ------

In its latest legal action, the Recording Industry Association of America has brought suit against an unborn and as yet unnamed fetus and a potted plant, claiming that the defendants shared and downloaded over 28,000 illegal copies of songs on the popular filesharing network Kazaa.

RIAA Lawyer Kent Squid states:

"After cracking down on an elderly woman and an 11 year old girl, we had to say to ourselves, 'What next? How do we top this?' The overwhelming response from the team was to sue God himself, but after a portal to Hell opened under our main offices, we decided instead to pursue a fetus and a fern."

Both the fetus and the fern were unavailable for comment on the matter.

------- Bush Urinates On Self, Declares War On Palestine ----------

At a UN conference today, President Bush accidentally wet himself while waiting for Colin Powell to finish a presentation on the war in Iraq.

Says Bush aide Tally Bobard: "Cheney told him to go before they left the White House, but he assured everyone that he would hold it."

The Bush camp has placed the blame for this incident squarely on the shoulders of Palestinian leader Yassir Arafat, citing intelligence reports that large stockpiles of "Weapons of Making the President Pee on Himself" have been discovered in the tiny arab nation. In what has been called "The Most Widely Criticized and Ill-Advised Political Decision in All of Recorded History", President Bush declared war on Palestine and initiated a 78 day bombing campaign designed to, in the words of the president, "blow up and kill those Palpastonians".

In a televised press conference, President Bush stated: "The entire world and probably God too supports the coalition's campaign to end terror. We will bring freedom to the Palestaqi people."

The coalition, which consists of President Bush and his favorite dog, Randy, will meet friday to draw up a proposed budget for the war in Palestine. Early estimates from the Bush camp indicate that the war should cost taxpayers "about a gajillion dollars".