Don't throw a party for the winners, it's _*VERY*_ large leagel liabillity so DON'T do it. Here is my experiance about throwing a developers party....

First, there was a plan: how to bring together the different development groups at work? My boss said there was a sort of tension he thought could be eased by some social interaction. Not easy. Almost all of the different development groups despised each other, each thinking its "art" was more important and eloquent than the others'.

There was the kernel extension developer group, coding mostly in C and some PowerPC and x86 assembler. They worked on making our PCI board work with Linux, *BSD, Mac OS X, QNX, and Solaris. They worked "special hours," coming in at one and staying late, supposedly, until seven or eight at night. They enjoyed Jizz cola and had a penchant for ThinkGeek t-shirts and cracking jokes about Win32 API calls and the dreaded Blue Screen of Death.

We had XML developers too. They worked on our website, documentation formatting, and simple apps to configure the driver software. They used HTML, XSL, JavaScript, and a bit of Java. They typically dressed casually, drank coffee and tea, and liked to work straight from the spec: no "Learn XSL in 30 Days" books were to be found in their cubicle farm.

Then we had the guys who wrote full-out UNIX apps. These guys and the products they wrote had been acquired from another company, and were the source of most of the tension: they'd never really been integrated into our group except that they were physically present with the rest of us. They all had beards or mullets or long, unwashed hair. Many wore suspenders or the afore-mentioned ThinkGeek clothes; some even had Penguin tatooes or small C app code tattooed on them. Their cubicle farm was known for the bleating laughter that exploded when one of them found a "silly" bug on someone else's code, and for the rotten, fetid stench that could only be compared to three-day-old shit reeking from inside a rotting corpse's abdominal cavity.

So, in order to get the guys to "know each other" my boss had asked me to organize a during-hours, alcohol-friendly party. My ideas ranged from a keg or two to live entertainment, AKA strippers. But as to what to get them to actually talk to each other in a human manner I had no clue. So I let it go til the last minute and decided to let my inherent creativity mull it over in the back of my head.

When the day of the party had arrived, the catering company brought in a few trays of lunch meat, chicken, pizza, and side dishes, I had picked up the kegs (all four) from the local brewery, and the big-screen TV and DVD were set up ready to blast the Matrix into the eyes and ears of my co-workers. The eagerness in the the air was encouraging and I thought that loosening up and smiles going on even now were a good sign. I even saw some of the guys who'd known each other previously begin to bunch up, bringing along the co-workers they knew from everyday work.

The first thing everyone did was hit the food line, loading up their plates and grabbing a cup for beer to wash it down with. A few approached me and thanked me for the food; it seems appeasing the belly really did tame the beast. After a few minutes of silence and eating and a few second and third courses, they guys were ready to sit down and be entertained. After asking if anyone needed anything else before the movie started, the lights went out and the Matrix began playing. I heard a few enthusiastic comments and jokes being told.

About half-way through the movie I noticed a lot of the guys, especially from the UNIX app group, were getting up and presumably going to the restroom. No suprise, as the second keg was history by now and the third was probably half-way gone. I also noticed some of the guys bumping into things and stumbling. Alcohol's the social lubricant, eh? Well, not long after, my bladder beckoned and I answered. As I made my way to the restroom, I had a self-satisfied smile on my face: my little plan was working, my boss would be happy, and it might even a Christmas bonus or a promotion (even if in title only).

Well, as soon as I pushed the restroom door open, I knew something was wrong. The smell of vomit was pretty strong and I hoped that it'd only been the work of one guy. But the smell was so pungent! After standing at the urinal, waiting for the golden flow to commence, I stood in silence. It was then that I heard grunting. Listening intently for a few seconds, I hoped whoever was upchucking their beer and munchies wasn't leaving a huge mess for the cleanup crew. After pissing and still hearing the noise, I approached the stall the that moaning was coming from.

"Hey, you alright in there, man?" I asked cautiously.

I was met by silence for a moment. Then I heard a few grunts and concealed giggles. Something was up in there. It was then that I heard what sounded like crying and more moaning. What the fuck? I decided I needed to see what was going on. I didn't want this party to come crashing down around my ears. I pushed the door open hard and then gasped as I saw the most sordid, disgusting thing I'd ever seen in my life.

Standing on either side of the toilet were two if the UNIX app coders, their beards caked with vomit, their pants in puddles around ankles, with erect penises wagging in the air. Doubled over the toilet, his head nearly dunked in the swill, was one of the XML developers. His pants were also around his ankles and what appeared to be a combination of blood and semen were dripping from his torn, ragged anus. He was covered in vomit from head to toe, and he was crying hard into the toilet bowl, its echo an eerie accompaniment to the awful scene I was seeing but not believing.

They two Linux coders slowly turned and looked me straight in the eye, evil grins smeared across both of their bearded faces.

"What in Fuck's name are you doing!?" was all I could force out of my mouth. I still wasn't believing I was seeing this.

Saying nothing, both of the Linux coders rushed me. Being in such a tense state, I threw both of them off and made a break for the door. And the fucking thing wouldn't open. In the follow two seconds that seemed like an eternity, the door was pushed open my way and two more Linux coders came in. Upon seeing what was happening, they immediately grabbed me and were joined by the first two. I was trapped. Then the one guy, who was a dead-ringer for Rasputin, the mad Russian monk, gazed into my eyes and said in a feminine voice, "Looks like Mr. Party is gonna get a taste of the real action!" and cackled insanely.

Cold sweat spurted from the pores on my foreheads and cheeks as I was dragged by the four stinking, polluted hippies into the same stall their previous victim was in. Rasputin spoke again, excitement in his voice.

"Thanks for the pizza and beer, now it's time for the weeners and buns!"

Immediately the first two slogged their pants off and got down on their knees. The other two put there knees in my back and held me on top of the first victim, who now appeared to be unconscious. I heard their belts coming off and their zippers coming down, and some rustling around told me that their pants were coming down also. Then the first two started sucking off the other two, in what I could only call the most enthusiastic blowjobs I'd ever seen in my life. The moaning and slurping sounds turned my stomach and I retched. I could see why the first guy might have vomited.

Eventually Rasputin and his cohort started moaning more loudly, and one of them said "fifteen seconds." This was followed by a series of rapid-fire belching and burping that shook me up and down on the guy underneath me. After about fifteen seconds, all Hell broke loose. The two guys behind me started vomiting on the two guys fellating them and I saw cumshot shoot and mix with the vomit all over the two cocksuckers' faces. It was then that I almost lost. I finally did refund when the first two vile fluids were followed by streams of piss. I heard swallowing and dripping and I yacked all over their first victim's head.

Rasputin cried out like a little girl in ecstasy. "Oh god, I'd been waiting for that all night! This party fuckin' roxorz my coxor!"

Now it was my turn, it seemed, as all four started tearing my pants down. Chunks of vomit-piss-semen fell on my back and soaked through my t-shirt. It was reviling. I shuddered as I felt their cold, clammy hands in my ass-crack and a very indelicate reacharound on my ball-sack. At this point I had no idea who was doing what, and I was just praying that I'd wake up and realize I was drunk and dreaming a la nightmare.

Just then I heard the door boom open and my boss's voice fill the air. The stall door was open and he saw right away the turgid scene transpiring in front of him. His voice was immediately followed by two others, XML developers I knew, and they flew into the stall as best they could and began a fight to save my asshole. The poor guy underneath me had just woken up and started struggling and the extra weight of eight other bodies in the stall must have been suffocating.

"It'll be all right, buddy," I offered to him.

Within thirty seconds I was to my feet and was delivering the most heart-felt kicks to the guts of the rapist faggot Linux coders. Between me, my boss, and the two XML developers, we had the gang of four knocked out in a sloppy, excrement-filled pile of hairy body.

It's now been a month since this horrible incident and I am in regular therapy with a sexual abuse counselor. In response to the terrible outcome of this party, my boss toyed with the idea of selling the group off to another company, sans the four hippies who'd been fired and arrested. After considerable urging on my part, and very open ear from my boss, the whole group was dissolved and the Linux coders lost their jobs. Their product was delayed by a year as my boss began hiring a new development team. We'd found evidence that the whole group had been involved in the planning of the gang- bangs and that had it not been for us everyone would have had a "turn" in the stalls.

If there's one thing we learned from this tragedy is that Linux coders, users, and advocates are desperate cock-lusting homosexual faggots that can't be trusted in any situation, let alone a restroom setting. You've been warned.

On the positive side, though, the whole incident brought solidarity between the other groups in the company and I am now on schedule to get a huge Christmas package that not only includes a gigantic bonus but a month's worth of paid time off and a real promotion.
 

The Open Source movement, otherwise known as 'Free Software', has been a topic of considerable debate on the Internet's most controversial site. The majority of this debate has centered around the technical merits of the software, with the esteemed editors argueing against adopting Linux by employing the full depth of their considerable intellects, and the other side hurling death threats and similar invective. This has allowed many who would not otherwise receive quality information about Open Source software to be made aware of many of its ramifications, but one issue has been left alone: The overt racism that is deeply embedded in the movement.
Allow me to explain.

Alan Cox; Richard Stallman; Bruce Perens; Wichert Akkerman; Miguel DeIcaza.
What do you see in this list of names? Are there any African-Americans on it? Absolutely not, none of those names sound like one a self-respecting black person would have! No Maurice, no Luther, no Lil' Kim. There are many other lists such as this, you can see one here. Flip through each page, do you see anything other than white faces? Of course you don't, because Open Source and its adherents are ardent racists and they absolutely forbid access to the sacred 'kernel' by any person of color.

Lets look at another list, this time a compendium of the companies using Linux. Are there any black owned companies on that list? Nooooooo. How about these companies? They all have something to do with Open Source software, any of them owned by an African-American? No again. Here is an extensive collection of photographs from a LUG (Linux User Gathering) meeting, more can be viewed at that link. What is odd about these pictures, and every other photograph I have ever seen of a LUG meeting, is that there is not one single black person to be seen, and probably none for miles.

More racist overtones can be found by examining the language of Open Source. They often refer to 'white hat' hackers. These 'white hats' scurry about the Internet doing good, but illegal, acts for their fellow man. In stark contrast we find the 'black hat' hackers. They destroy the good works of others by breaking into systems, stealing data, and generally causing havoc. These two terms reflect the mindset of most Linux developers. White means good, black means bad. Anywhere there is black, there is uncontrollable destruction and lawlessness. Looking further we see black lists that inform other users of 'bad' hardware, Samba, an obvious play on the much hated Little Black Sambo book, Mandrake, which I won't explain except to say that the French are notorious racists. This type is linguistic discrimination is widespread throughout the Open Source culture, lampooned by many of its more popular sites.

It is also a fact that all Unix 'distros' contain a plethora of racist commands with not so hidden symbolism.

It can hardly be coincidence that the prime operating system of choice of the 'open source supremacists' - Linux, features commands which are poorly disguised racist acronyms. For example: 'awk' (All White Klan) , 'sed' (shoot nEgroes dead), 'ln' (lynch negroes), 'rpm' (raical purity mandatory), 'bash' (bring a slave home), 'ps' (persecute sambo), 'mount' (murder or unseat nubians today), 'fsck' (favored supreme Christian klan). I could go on and on about the latent racist symbolism in Linux, but I fear it would take weeks to enumerate every incidence.

Is there a single unix command out there that does not have some hidden racist connotation ? Suffice it to say that the racism pervades Linux like a particularly bad smell. Can you imagine the effect of running such a racist operating system on the impressionable mind ? I don't have to remind you that transmitting subliminal messages is banned in the USA, and yet here we have an operating system that appears to be one enormous submliminal ad for the Klan!

One of the few selling points of Open Source software is that it is available in many different languages. Browsing through the list I see that absolutely none are offered in Swahili, nor Ebonics. Obviously this is done to prevent black people from having access to the kernel. If it weren't for the fact that racism is so blatantly evil I would be impressed by the efforts these Open Sourcers have invested in keeping their little hobby lilly white. It even appears that they hate the Japanese, as some of these self proclaimed hackers defaced a web site with anti-Japanese slogans. Hell, these people even go all the way to Africa (South Africa mind you, better known as White Africa) and the pictures prove that they don't even get close to a black person.

Of course, presenting overwhelming evidence such as this is a bit unfair without some attempt to determine why these Open Sourcers are so racist. Much of the evidence I have collected indicates that their views are so deeply held that they are seldom questioned by the new recruits. This, coupled with the robot-like groupthink that dominates the culture allows the racist mindset to continue to permeate the ranks. Indeed, the Open Source version of a Klan rally, OSDN (known to the world as Open Source Developer's Network, known to insiders as Open Source Denies Negroes) nearly stands up and shouts its racist views on its demographics page. It doesn't mention the black man one single time. Obviously, anyone involved with Open Source doesn't need to be told that the demographic is entirely white, it is a given.

I have a sneaking suspicion as to why their beliefs are so closely held: they are all terrible athletes.

Really. Much like the tragedy at Columbine High School, where two geeks went on a rampage to get back at 'jocks', these adult geeks still bear the emotional scars inflicted upon them due to their lack of athletic ability during their teen years. As African-Americans are well known for their athletic skills, they are an obvious target for the Open Source geeks. As we all know, sports builds character, thus it follows that the lack of sports destroys character. These geeks, locked away in their rooms, munching on stale pizza and Fritos, engage in no character building activities. Further, they interact only with computers and never develop the level of social skill that allows normal people to handle relationships with persons of color.

Contrasted with the closed source, non-geeky software house Microsoft, Open Source has a long, long way to go.
 

Hi all,

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about where Linux development should head after 2.6 is out. Specifically, I've been thinking about how we ought to make some cultural changes as well as technical changes. Now I'm not entirely sure what directions we should head in as we move towards 3.0, but I'd like to point out a few areas that need to be addressed as well as propose some possible solutions. Nothing is set in stone yet, but these are definitely issues we need to work on.

First off, I don't like a lot of the elitism that does on among Linux hackers. Just because you can tell what the following script does without executing it, doesn't mean that you're some kind of god.

  #! /usr/bin/perl
@k = unpack "a"x5,'x_,d@';@o = unpack "a"x19,'Q8>tUxLm\@`Y%N@cIq]';
while ($i19){print chr((ord($o[$i])-ord($k[$i++%5])+91)%91+32);}

Learning to hack Un*x is an impressive accomplishment, but it's closer kin to solving a Rubik's cube than scaling Everest. If you think using Un*x makes you some kind of super genius who should be feared by mere mortals and end users, either get over it or start using *BSD. *BSD users (and developers) are all complete jackasses, so you'll fit right in.

Secondly, I'd like to address the issue of cleanliness. Quite frankly, the standards of personal hygiene practiced by many members of this community are simply unacceptable. As you all know, I am a fairly clean cut, well-kempt person (I know, I have a bit of a gut, but compared to Maddog, Nick Petreley or ESR, I'm a modern Adonis.), and in the Linux community that is something of an anomaly. Virtually all users of Linux (and all other forms of Un*x) are unkempt, longhaired, beast-bearded dirty GNU hippies, and I am sick and tired of having to deal with them.

The person I have the greatest problem with is that (in)famous communist RMS. Now, RMS may have been responsible for GNU, the GPL, GCC and many other contributions to the computing community, but his stance, as well as stench, displayed in his essays and actions, nauseates me. I mean, with that filth-ridden beard of his, where does he have room to demand that people refer to Linux as GNU/Linux? When he is as clean-shaven as I, he may claim that right, but until then, he should go back to playing his little flute and dropping acid like there's no tomorrow. Honestly, if he doesn't shut his mouth and go back to reading Marx, I'm going to shut it for him. I am sorry to sound so harsh, but a little hygiene every once in a while is a Good Thing(TM). Makes me wish I'd gone with a closed source license back in the day.

Next in line of dirty scuzz-balls I have to deal with, and probably the worst thorn in my side, is Alan Cox, the primary coder of my kernel's TCP/IP stack (ha, what a joke!) and all around dirty GNU hippy. Alan views toothpaste the same way a vampire views garlic. The man's wife (who I spent a few years with at the University of Helsinki) often calls me crying in the middle of the night to complain of the rank, unbearable stench the man exudes after sex. On several occasions at trade shows, exhibitions and beer bashes, I have nearly fainted from the torrent of rotten odor that pours from every inch of his toxic person. Along with the typical GNU hygiene (mis)habits he practices, he also bitches and whines about... well, everything. He lies a lot too; evidence for this can be seen in the fact he almost always wears cheap black sunglasses when talking to people he knows are better than him (such as myself).

And then we come to ESR. I won't reiterate the sewer-dweller like cleansing habits he practices as well, but I would like to focus on his general lifestyle. I like to refer to ESR as AGB or "Arrogant Gas Baron." The man's flatulence is legendary. I honestly believe that given a meal of refried beans and a match, he could reach low earth orbit. If you have to meet with ESR for any reason, arrange for the meeting to be outdoors and try to stay upwind. And his flatulence isn't limited to his posterior either. Frequently it comes out his mouth or even out of his keyboard. (Those of you who have read "The Cathedral and the Bizarre" or "Meditations of Sudden Wealth" will know exactly what I'm talking about here.) Additionally, he is a complete hillbilly. You know, the kind that goes to inner-city computer stores and buys 386s to set up as servers all over his house, with cigarette smoke-stained 14" monitors piled high upon his kitchen table. He has neither grace nor charm and can't last 15 seconds in conversation with educated company without drifting into a tirade on gun rights or the best methods for tanning road kill. Couple the above facts with his ruddy complexion (from drinking Jagermeister like it's water) and his child-molester mustache and you've got the makings of one more person who pisses me off.

Well, that's it for now. Hopefully with these feelings off my chest and into the Open Source community, things will change for the better. I'd like just once to talk to a Linux user or advocate who washes and changes their clothes at least weekly. Until then, I will be rejecting patches from anyone whose grooming standards do not measure up.

Thank you,
--Linus Torvalds.

Do you know me? Well, if you've been to an orgy in the greater Cincinnati area in the past 17 years, you've probably seen me (or at least part of me). My name is Hank Wetzel, and I am the king of the Cincinnati group-sex scene. You may have heard a story or two--and believe me, there are hundreds--about my legendary carnal exploits. Yet as renowned as I am, and as much fun as I've had, few people realize that it's not easy being the life of the orgy.

Anytime four or more people decide to get naked together in Cincinnati, someone inevitably says, "We need Hank. Hank should be here." Why? Because they know that once I get there, I'm going to blow the roof off the joint. Everybody who likes to swap, group-grope, or rut around on protective plastic sheets is sure to light up at the mention of my name. But do any of them know the real me? I'm not so sure.

They see my mastery of countless freaky positions, my vast collection of latex outfits, and my skillful use of the Polynesian fuck-swing, and they think they know Hank. Well, they don't know Hank. They're too distracted by my way with writhing piles of flesh to see the sadness beneath all the sucking and fucking.

It's not that I don't enjoy what I do. The daisy chains, the S&M dungeon parties, and the round-robin clusterfucks are still fun, but the pressure to always be "on" can be exhausting. Remember: There's a person with hopes and dreams behind that nine-and-a-half-inch cock.

People should know that when I'm alone or out of my group-sex circle, I'm basically a shy, simple guy. It's only when I pick up the scent of K-Y that I transform from Hank the Coca-Cola bottling-plant supervisor to Hank the Fuck Machine.

Sometimes, I think this is slowly killing me.

It's harder than you'd think to keep up the positive orgy attitude. If I don't meet and exceed someone's expectations, I'm no longer the top fuck dog in town. As great a group lover as I am, that kind of reputation can be hard to live up to. Heavy is the head that wears the crown.

You may be wondering why I do it. Why do I pleasure four people at once when two would suffice? Why do I bring my partners to such heated climaxes that they unleash a symphony of frenzied shrieks? And why do I always have to be the last one standing at the orgy, still humping away while the others are collapsed in post-coital bliss? I used to think it was just because I like getting people off. Now I know the truth: that being the life of the orgy is all I have.

I can't just lay back and let a girl blow me on a couch like everyone else. I have to put on a whole sex show, to be the center of a whole crowd, whether I'm in the mood or not.

I know I won't be able to keep this up forever. Eventually, a younger, better-looking, more flexible young buck is going to come along with a bigger dick and more tricks, and I'll be brushed off to the side room. Either that, or I'm simply going to lose my edge. I've seen it happen. I've seen people who've slowly lost it. Like Clara Mascara. Antonio. Dirty Ben. I don't want to go out like that. I don't want people to whisper, "What happened to Hank? He used to fuck like a champ."

If I have to leave the scene, I want to go out on top like my mentor, Frank Fourteen-Inch. Frank hung up his anal beads in his absolute prime, and people still talk about him like he could fuck no wrong. That's the way to go.

I'll never forget the last thing Frank told me just before he walked away from the game. He said, "If you want to make people fuck like there's no tomorrow, you must remember the pain of yesterday."

Back then, I didn't understand what he meant. I do now. I've come to realize that even when you're face-deep in hair pie while simultaneously coating someone else's belly with your steamy man-butter, being Orgy King can be awful lonely.

Windows Server 2003: The Road To Gold Part Three: Testing Windows Back to part two As the development of Windows 2000 wound down over three years ago, Microsoft was making a transition of another kind: The company's development focus was moving from delivering technology to delivering solutions that met real customer needs. It sounds like an obvious strategy, but consider the ramifications: In the past, Microsoft would determine what features to include in each revision of its products, deliver as many of those features as it could in the time allotted, and then move any dropped features into the next version. Often, the company would tout customer feedback as one of the prime inspirations for the features that were included in each product version, but customer feedback was just one of many criteria that the company considered, and it certainly wasn't the primary one. One must consider the competitive landscape of the past decade and the markets Microsoft was targeting to understand why this was the case. For much of its history, Microsoft was the fiery upstart, scrambling for market share and paranoid that the Next Big Thing would come along, leaving the company behind. For many of its core markets in the 1990's--desktop operating systems, office productivity software, and workgroup-based corporate computing--Microsoft was primarily concerned with low costs, simplicity, and features, as it sought to outdo competitors such as IBM, Lotus, Novell, WordPerfect Corporation, Borland, Apple, and others. Customer research basically amounted to "more is better": The thought was that most users would compare bulleted lists of features and pick the software that best met their needs. And because Microsoft was often able to undercut the prices of the competition, the choice was usually obvious. So I came home from work the other day to discover my cat laying on the floor. His breathing was very shallow and his eyes were very glassy. When I approached him I noticed a belt tied around his arm and both a syringe and a bent spoon laying beside him. Despite all his promises to the contrary, my beloved Mittens has started shooting up smack again! Fortunately the paramedics showed up quickly and gave him some naloxone which saved him. Unfortunately the problem of my cat being addicted to heroin still remains. Last week he sold my stereo and this weekend Mittens stole from my wallet to try for a hit. I love my cat and want to see him off this horrible drug. Unfortunately he won't stop on his own! Mittens says he can quit anytime he wants to and becomes combative when I force the issue. I'm tired of seeing him throw his life away. He could've been a great mouser, one of the best before he got hooked. Can anyone recommend a way to get my cat off heroin? It would be much appreciated.

2.5 million B.C.: OGG the Open Source Caveman develops the axe and releases it under the GPL. The axe quickly gains popularity as a means of crushing moderators' heads.

100,000 B.C.: Man domesticates the AIBO.

10,000 B.C.: Civilization begins when early farmers first learn to cultivate hot grits.

3000 B.C.: Sumerians develop a primitive cuneiform perl script.

2920 B.C.: A legendary flood sweeps Slashdot, filling up a Borland / Inprise story with hundreds of offtopic posts.

1750 B.C.: Hammurabi, a Mesopotamian king, codifies the first EULA.

490 B.C.: Greek city-states unite to defeat the Persians. ESR triumphantly proclaims that the Greeks "get it".

399 B.C.: Socrates is convicted of impiety. Despite the efforts of freesocrates.com, he is forced to kill himself by drinking hemlock.

336 B.C.: Fat-Time Charlie becomes King of Macedonia and conquers Persia.

4 B.C.: Following the Star (as in hot young actress) of Bethelem, wise men travel from far away to troll for baby Jesus.

A.D. 476: The Roman Empire BSODs.

A.D. 610: The Glorious MEEPT!! founds Islam after receiving a revelation from God. Following his disappearance from Slashdot in 632, a succession dispute results in the emergence of two troll factions: the Pythonni and the Perliites.

A.D. 800: Charlemagne conquers nearly all of Germany, only to be acquired by andover.net.

A.D. 874: Linus the Red discovers Iceland.

A.D. 1000: The epic of the Beowulf Cluster is written down. It is the first English epic poem.

A.D. 1095: Pope Bruce II calls for a crusade against the Turks when it is revealed they are violating the GPL. Later investigation reveals that Pope Bruce II had not yet contacted the Turks before calling for the crusade.

A.D. 1215: Bowing to pressure to open-source the British government, King John signs the Magna Carta, limiting the British monarchy's power. ESR triumphantly proclaims that the British monarchy "gets it".

A.D. 1348: The ILOVEYOU virus kills over half the population of Europe. (The other half was not using Outlook.)

A.D. 1420: Johann Gutenberg invents the printing press. He is immediately sued by monks claiming that the technology will promote the copying of hand-transcribed books, thus violating the church's intellectual property.

A.D. 1429: Natalie Portman of Arc gathers an army of Slashdot trolls to do battle with the moderators. She is eventually tried as a heretic and stoned (as in petrified).

A.D. 1478: The Catholic Church partners with doubleclick.net to launch the Spanish Inquisition.

A.D. 1492: Christopher Columbus arrives in what he believes to be "India", but which RMS informs him is actually "GNU/India".

A.D. 1508-12: Michaelengelo attempts to paint the Sistine Chapel ceiling with ASCII art, only to have his plan thwarted by the "Lameness Filter."

A.D. 1517: Martin Luther nails his 95 Theses to the church door and is promptly moderated down to (-1, Flamebait).

A.D. 1553: "Bloody" Mary ascends the throne of England and begins an infamous crusade against Protestants. ESR eats his words.

A.D. 1588: The "IF I EVER MEET YOU, I WILL KICK YOUR ASS" guy meets the Spanish Armada.

A.D. 1603: Tokugawa Ieyasu unites the feuding pancake-eating ninjas of Japan.

A.D. 1611: Mattel adds Galileo Galilei to its CyberPatrol block list for proposing that the Earth revolves around the sun.

A.D. 1688: In the so-called "Glorious Revolution", King James II is bloodlessly forced out of power and flees to France. ESR again triumphantly proclaims that the British monarchy "gets it".

A.D. 1692: Anti-GIF hysteria in the New World comes to a head in the infamous "Salem GIF Trials", in which 20 alleged GIFs are burned at the stake. Later investigation reveals that many of the supposed GIFs were actually PNGs.

A.D. 1769: James Watt patents the one-click steam engine.

A.D. 1776: Trolls, angered by CmdrTaco's passage of the Moderation Act, rebel. After a several-year flame war, the trolls succeed in seceding from Slashdot and forming the United Coalition of Trolls.

A.D. 1789: The French Revolution begins with a distributed denial of service (DDoS) attack on the Bastille.

A.D. 1799: Attempts at discovering Egyptian hieroglyphs receive a major boost when Napoleon's troops discover the Rosetta stone. Sadly, the stone is quickly outlawed under the DMCA as an illegal means of circumventing encryption.

A.D. 1844: Samuel Morse invents Morse code. Cryptography export restrictions prevent the telegraph's use outside the U.S. and Canada.

A.D. 1853: United States Commodore Matthew C. Perry arrives in Japan and forces the xenophobic nation to open its doors to foreign trade. ESR triumphantly proclaims that Japan finally "gets it".

A.D. 1865: President Lincoln is 'bitchslapped.' The nation mourns.

A.D. 1901: Italian inventor Guglielmo Marcoli first demonstrates the radio. Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich immediately delivers to Marcoli a list of 335,435 suspected radio users.

A.D. 1911: Facing a break-up by the United States Supreme Court, Standard Oil Co. defends its "freedom to innovate" and proposes numerous rejected settlements. Slashbots mock the company as "Standa~1" and depict John D. Rockefeller as a member of the Borg.

A.D. 1929: V.A. Linux's stock drops over 200 dollars on "Black Tuesday", October 29th.

A.D. 1945: In the secret Manhattan Project, scientists working in Los Alamos, New Mexico, construct a nuclear bomb from Star Wars Legos.

A.D. 1948: Slashdot runs the infamous headline "DEWEY DEFEATS TRUMAN." Shamefaced, the site quickly retracts the story when numerous readers point out that it is not news for nerds, stuff that matters.

A.D. 1965: Jon Katz delivers his famous "I Have A Post-Hellmouth Dream" speech, which stated: "I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the geeks of former slaves and the geeks of former slave geeks will be able to sit down together at the table of geeks... I have a dream that my geek little geeks will one geek live in a nation where they will not be geeked by the geek of their geek but by the geek of their geek."

A.D. 1969: Neil Armstrong becomes the first man to set foot on the moon. His immortal words: "FIRST MOONWALK!!!"

A.D. 1970: Ohio National Guardsmen shoot four students at Kent State University for "Internet theft".

A.D. 1989: The United States invades Panama to capture renowned "hacker" Manual Noriega, who is suspected of writing the DeCSS utility.

A.D. 1990: West Germany and East Germany reunite after 45 years of separation. ESR triumphantly proclaims that Germany "gets it".

A.D. 1994: As years of apartheid rule finally end, Nelson Mandela is elected president of South Africa. ESR is sick, and sadly misses his chance to triumphantly proclaim that South Africa "gets it".

A.D. 1997: Slashdot reports that Scottish scientists have succeeded in cloning a female sheep named Dolly. Numerous readers complain that if they had wanted information on the latest sheep releases, they would have just gone to freshsheep.net

A.D. 1999: Miramax announces Don Knotts to play hacker Emmanuel Goldstein in upcoming movie "Takedown"

A.D. 2101: War was beginning.

fuck you bitch cunt

Eugenia Loli needs to exposed. I will post 3 articles that show how fascist the Greeks can be, and that people like Eugenia perpetrate. Then I will cover My Big Fat GReek Wedding, with Fat being the operative word. Then some random Eugenia quotes. I hate you Eugenia, for being a fascist at OSNEWS. You are a pathetic waif who can not accept dissent, and you dictate to your small and withering community. I hope you get ovarian cancer.

Fat Eugenia Loli's Friends Ban all electronig games by mistake. Its people like Eugenia Loli that show that the formerly great state of Greece has erorded into a festering inbred, stupid hairy totalitarian fucks like herself. Now is the fatty greases sweltering out of her cellulite that makes it seem like Grease would be a more apropro name than Greece.

The Night Defender Fat Eugenia Loli Fat

Sweating and farting nervously on the verge of mental meltdown, ELQ reloads each of her precious OSNews pages, making sure all is well. Fifty Internet Explorer windows are open in Windows XP, it's gridning the hard drive to death. ELQ's cable modem and NIC activity LEDs are nearly solid from the raw frenzy of almost constant browser reloading. Eugenia's eyes twitch rapidly from window to window with Mercurial speed to make sure that any rogue comments do not escape her attention, always hitting her refresh buttons with pinpoint accuracy. No logical order for checking, purely random and impulse driven by raw Mediterranean temper, stopping for the occasional savage bite from a pork loin still affixed to the bone, Eugenia's eyes never leave the monitor.

"N-n-n-n NO! No TIME for Dance Dance Revolution, oh but it's been so long! I cannot allow the BASTARD flooders' comments to be seen. MY DOMAIN IS SACRED!"

Hair is frizzled and days unwashed, asscrack just barely half wiped in a frenzy to return to her monitor, having taken a large shit earlier. No time to flush! Her armpits are over-ridden with pubic hair, her fat flaps reek of B.O. and yeast from days of neglect and hour upon hour of sweating. Relentless sweating.

"Cannot to be keeps up this pace! I may be need to go to hospital for exhaustions" she pants in desperation, wiping the sweat from a matted hair lock with her week-old t-shirt offering.

The hour of judgement approaches! Comment number 45 in thread 374 is clearly of anti-Greek sentiment! It reads "Eugenia continues to post yet another story that's simply ripped off from other websites. How much longer can this continue? It's my opinion that she has poor editorial skills. I think they should be revoked."

"YOU BASTARD FUCK!", Eugenia erupts in raw hatred, simultaneously ripping a 120 decibel-at-1-meter fart into the back of her chair. "Nobody is to be attack my site!" Eugenia blasts away at 10 words per minute in a barely-coherant broken English. She's on a mission. After several hours, the words on the screen are completely shattered and in disarray, they make no sense. Eugenia is impressed with her English progress and submits her lousy retort. Relaxing only for several seconds to savor the rush, she continues her patrol, sleepless into the night.

Yup, a self-employed pissing loser with a family, 600 acres of deeded land, several automobiles and a four-story house. What do you have? 2,000 British pounds to your name, a playstation2, some computers and a husband that picks up the tab for everything? That's what I thought, you fucking olive-picking, highboot fecal smear of a bridge troll.

QUIP: Well, what a waste of a good fortune. Assuming that it were true, of course. Which is something that most of us won't do, given your guttermouth rambling and apparent poor breeding.

Taken from OS News posting by Eugenia 03/04/2000 Your post would be a lot more credible if you omitted like every 25th word to simulate your bad english. Actually I didn't even read it at all, isn't that awesome?

Eugenia--

Have you ever taken a step back and looked at your life? Taken a calming deep breath, cleared your head, and
assessed the situation? Looked around at what you have made for yourself, what you've done and how it's affected
you? If you had, it wouldn't be hard to see that things aren't as rosy as most people would be comfortable with;
furthermore, it seems as if you're not comfortable with you or your situation either. It's no large feat to
realize that things in your life are falling apart, and have been for quite a while. In fact, you don't really
seem to have a life now and all that you own or have is going to go away eventually because it's not yours. Yes,
Eugenia, here's the simple, terrible truth: your life is in shambles and it's only getting worse.

Let's take a look at the swill and depravity that you live in.

Your Slashdot journal entry from Saturday, March 02, 2002 encapsulates your attitude toward hygiene (or lack
thereof) in one sordid little pill:

there is only ONE thing I can't stand: The upstairs people. They do things with the water at 6:30 in the
morning, every morning [I though you had a four story house, you fucking lying fat bitch]

Eugenia, this is known as bathing. The concept may be foreign to your rancid Greek arse but it's a fact of life to millions of Americans everyday. Oops! I forgot you're not an American citizen. Well, we'll touch on that
later...

Here are a few quotes out of your Slashdot journal, taken from Sunday, March 03 through Thursday, March 14, 2002 that do well to exemplify your lack of will-power and discipline.

Today, I started a "real" diet. And yes, this time, the diet IS HERE TO STAY [...] my diet goes well
[...] Diet goes ok, I suppose. I mean, I feel that I do a more balanced diet now, as opposing of losing
weight right here, right now. I hope it continues well [...] I feel a bit weak, but it is not too bad
[...] Argh, I got a terrible headache now [...] I am roasting some pork and oven potatoes

Within just a short eleven-day period we see a rapid downward spiral into fleshly indulgence and lack of self-
control, hastened by physical sickness and ailments resulting from simply eating properly. Your body has attuned
itself so finely to your horrid eating habits that it actually grows ill over these eleven days to the point
that finally, in desperation over a migraine, you cook up a grease-laden meal to satiate your thirst for all
things fat.

Have you no self control? Look at yourself! You have a gut that just won't go away-- you look like an ugly,
stinky, fat little troll even on your wedding day for Christ's sake! Have you no pride or respect for yourself?
Not even just enough to make you stave off those pork and potatoes? Gluttony will destroy your life, Eugenia.
It's already destroyed your body.

Eugenia, it's clear to me (and everyone else) that you're mentally unbalanced and delusional. Please, seek help
immediately. You are in dire need of counseling and/or therapy for a myriad of issues, among which are hygeine,
self-discipline, and proper English grammar. We're behind you all the way, Eugenia, you can do it.

Eugenia: The Fat Fucking Smelly Greek Pig

You fat fucking smelly Greek whore! Do you even wash on the rare occasions when your husband wants to fuck you? I bet your arse smells like a pig farm after eating all of the fucking pork and potatoes you cook-- you do nothing but sit all day, sweating and farting. It must smell like a swamp where criminals dump bodies in the sweltering heat.

Do you even shave? You sound like a lazy fucking wart of a housewife who wouldn't even bother. I bet the place is a mess too: dishes needing done, a layer of dust over everything, and stains and spills here and there. What a fucking pig-- a hairy fucking Greek bitch-pig.

Oh yeah, and your "skills" are laughable. You can't code for shit-- there's more holes in your PHP site than in a Greek brothel. Your English is terrible, which is pathetic for an editor-in-chief of a news site that reports in the language. Your obvious biases and slants make you look even more silly and unprofessional, as well as your multi-paragraph rants and fits of rage you write in your own forums. It's no wonder no one takes you seriously.

In short, ELQ, FUCK YOU. You are a loser, a no-lifer, a wanna-be, and a fecal smear in the world of technology. You are a detriment to the community you claim you serve. I challenge you to refute one thing I have said. You can't; it's all true.

And you know it.

Eugenia, why you're a drain on society.
I am Greek and english is not my native language. We do OSNews for fun (however, OSNews takes most of my time every day), so if you have a problem with my spelling and grammar either a) do not come back (spare us and save your time too) b) send me a proofread version of the article in question. Whining about something I can't radically improve overnight, is not an option.

Ahem, Eugenia. You've been living in English language countries for AT LEAST A DECADE from what I gather. You've spent the last year and a half giggling moronically and getting your bologna tits caught in a wringer after you've been trolled. Here's an idea you smelly twat: Get some advanced ESL text books and read those. Fuck, you've probably spent more time eating the dried phlegm from your nasal cavity than studying English. You are living in an English language nation, and are therefore a burden on society without sufficient language skills. You're not fit to be my house maid, as far as your language skills are concerned. Furthermore, you are a lazy cunt since you've not been motivated to do this relatively simple task as of yet. Please stop polluting the technology/operating system scene with your garbage writing, you seek out the spotlight like a fucking tomahawk missile seeks heat. It's PATHETIC! Get English text books and get a fucking life you stupid little olive-smuggling whore!

In case Eugenia Loli-Queru is reading
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. Next week on OSNews she's going to review a commercial floppy disk formatting program. She gives it 95%. DUMB CUNT.

Greeks ban electronic games by mistake
Beware Greeks writing laws
By Adamson Rust: Sunday 01 September 2002, 17:40

ONE OF THE SO-CALLED CRADLES of European civilisation appears to have got its Aristotles all in a twist over computer gaming. And mobile phones, for that matter.
The Greek government appears to have lost its marbles.

The government wanted to prevent its people from wasting their money by using electronic slot machines but the democratically appointed government has banned all computer games everywhere by mistake.

And now the cops are raiding Internet cafes to enforce the said SNAFU.

The law, according to our Greek correspondents, prohibits any kind of game that is played on any kind of electronic equipment.

And it appears to have been drafted so loosely that that includes mobile phones.

Theoretically, the cops could bust into people's homes but so far apparently they have arrested Internet cafe owners and customers who were fighting a few rounds of Q3 CTF.

Next thing, the cops will be creeping up on people using their mobile phones just to make sure they're not playing a quick game rather than using them for their real purpose.

Here are some details of the cock up in Greek.

And there's more details about this at the Greek Net Cafe organisation.

Give us a glass of hemlock, Socrates!

Greek govt bans all computer games
By Thomas C Greene in Washington
Posted: 03/09/2002 at 16:45 GMT

The government of Greece is making heroic efforts to humiliate the nation in front of the entire world, by banning all electronic games. That's right; something as innocent as playing computer chess on your laptop in a hotel lobby is now a crime with penalties of up to three months in stir and a fine of 10,000 euros.

The purpose behind this charming legislation is to crack down on Internet gambling (which already was illegal) -- or, rather, to enable legislators to enact their little public dance of righteous aversion to Internet gambling.

Improved enforcement of existing law is all that was needed, but there's a problem. Unfortunately, the Greek government is "incapable of distinguishing innocuous video games from illegal gambling machines," according to an older article from the English-language Kathimerini newspaper, written while the bill was under consideration.

Now it's official. The legislature has concluded that all electronic games have got to go because the bureaucrats they're maintaining on the public payroll aren't swift enough to figure out the difference between video poker and TuXkart. Perhaps enforcing literacy requirements and sobriety regulations for government workers would have been a more productive approach, but it's too late for that now.

Greek ban on gaming threatens Internet cafes
By John Lettice Posted: 04/07/2002 at 12:49 GMT

A Register reader in Greece emails us claiming that the Greek government has effectively outlawed Internet cafes by "all LAN and Internet games and any kind of game that is supported by electrical, electronic or software means." If anybody so much as has something looking like a game on the screen, he tells us, the cafe manager is liable for arrest.

All of this makes some kind of perverted sense. Computers in Internet cafes are gaming machines, sort of. Or at least they have that potential, and Greece has already shown signs of considering them as such. More recently, Greece banned all amusement and gambling machines, including the likes of Pac Man.

You pay for computers in Internet cafes, you can play games on them, so yes, there you go. And a little further research leads us to believe that Greece's position is maybe not so wildly eccentric as one might initially think. Here in the UK one does have to pay duty on gaming and amusement machines in public places. You can get a little more information about the position by tearing through this section of the 1995 Finance Act, but frankly we do not recommend it.

It would however seem logical to us for Internet cafe machines playing games to be classed somewhere within the amusement machines category, and therefore liable for duty. If they're not, then pubs installing computers instead of amusement machines could be on to a good wrinkle. So, some form of cafe tax? OK, but what, then, are we going to do about all of those people in pubs who'll sometime soon be whipping out their 3G phones in order to play online games?

In Greece, obviously, they'll just arrest the nearest bar manager, while in London's West End we foresee a variation on traffic wardens slapping Internetting Tickets on careless mobile gamers...

FAT EUGENIA FAT FAT LARD FAT PORCINE CORPULENT CELLULITE RIDDEN FAT
'My Big Fat Greek Wedding' Rolls on
Wed Aug 14, 3:23 PM ET

LOS ANGELES (AP) - In a summer of huge movies that last just a few weeks in theaters and are lucky to break even, one little film won't quit.

The celebration has lasted all summer for "My Big Fat Fucking.Pig.Greek.Eugenia Wedding," a micro-budgeted romantic comedy with great word-of-mouth that has steadily climbed from 20th place on the box-office chart to No. 8 last weekend. The film, about a woman who defies the traditions of her loud Fucking.Pig.Greek.Eugenia family by marrying a man who isn't Fucking.Pig.Greek.Eugenia, cost only about $5 million to produce. It has collected nearly $45 million since it's April debut, and the end of the honeymoon is nowhere in sight. "I feel like I connected with absolute strangers across America. That's what I love more than anything," said Nia Vardalos, the star and writer, who adapted the film from her one-woman stage show. "The money is like, 'Yeah, yeah.' ... That works in the Hollywood system," she added. "But this is the greatest feeling in the world: when women are coming up and saying 'I'm you.'" Vardalos, 39, said she had thought the film would cover its cost and maybe

La la oh la la la yum la laLa la oh la la la yum la laLa la oh la la la yum la laLa la oh la la la yum la laLa la oh la la la yum la laLa la oh la la la yum la laLa la oh la la la yum la laLa la oh la la la yum la laLa la oh la la la yum la la.

Eugenia, is that you? I hate you because of the way you censor. I hate you, and if I had to live in your kingdom in real life I would suicide attack you. Your death would be worthy ends to my means.

This is just another example of spineless crap moderation by Eugenia. I hate her fucking fascist fat fronds of celluite dripping down her bones and puddling up near here wrists which hinge har fat sausage fingers.

Mao Tse Tung, Hitler, Stalin, Castro, Pinochet, Mussolini, Marshall Joseph Tito, Slobodan Milosevic, Idi Amin, Ho Chi Minh, Saddam Hussein, Muammar Qaddafi, Juan Peron, Ayatollah Khomeini, Ferdinand Marcos, General Suharto, Pol Pot, Fransisco Franco, and certainly the worst of the bunch, EUGENIA FAT PIG LOLI's editing/moderating [read: censoring] ALL AGREE on ONE THING:

    CENSORSHIP
WORKS!

So, you busy little plebian proletariat BITCH, get busy, you have some censoring to do! FUN!

Good job you little neo-commies BITCH, EUGENIA FAT. Don't want to hear the other side, shoot the fucker in the head as an ENEMY OF THE STATE [In this case anyone who seeks to improve the sad state of OSNEWS and its fucking lame conjecture.]

A few haikus to commemorate the sucktitude:
Crack Pipe
Crack smoke wafts though air
Dumb shit LOLI QUERU
Try to suck less, please

Humorless
Crack smoke wafts through air
Humorless LOLI QUERU
Why do you hate me?

The Proletariat
OSnews Commie
LOLI QUERU fears new idea!
Censor him quickly!

Get busy moderating this down, you little minions of the FAT GREASE LORD obedient prefects of the corrupt CUNT, LOLI! You are the vanguards of chunky brown vaginal discharges, and dissent is not allowed!
 

And seeing the multitudes, He went up unto the mountain: and when He was set, his disciples came unto him: And He opened his mouth, and taught them, saying,

  "Blessed are the poor in threshold: for theirs is the Kingdom of the Page-Lengthening and Page-Widening Posts.

  "Blessed are they that mourn the death of *BSD: for they shall be comforted with an ultradense Linux server from VA Linux, now sold by California Digital Corporation.

  "Blessed are the posters of smug one-liners: for they shall inherit an Account Capped at 50.

  "Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after The First Post: for they shall have the Third or Fourth Post.

  "Blessed are the karma whores: for they shall obtain "Score: 5, Insightful".

  "Blessed are those who dismiss out-of-hand: for they shall fail to see the Point of the Original Post.

  "Blessed are those who seek to associate themselves with the latest techno-fad: for they shall be called 3L33T for at least Another Half Hour.

  "Blessed are they which are persecuted for their own self-righteousness' sake: for theirs is the Kingdom of "Ask Slashdot".

  "Blessed are the over-eager, who believe that Open Source is a social movement heralding the rise of a new generation: for they shall not realize that There Are No Sacred Cows.

  "Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for the sake of your Favorite Operating System.

  "Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in Heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.

THIS IS THE WORD OF THE LORD
 

You remind me of Lassie, right? I'll bet you think that prostitutes are uncouth. I've never heard anything as ridiculous as the idea that the world is full of Volkeswagen drivers. It takes a "as uneducated as a system call" SysThug Volkeswagen driver like you to say that Gorbachev was black. You have a over-educated pager, right?

It's well known that Italian people are uneducated, despite the fact that Windoze'95 is a marginally uncouth operating system. You're probably feminist yourself. Only a wimp like you would say that people are dying every day. I've never heard anything as ridiculous as the idea that too many rude people are very crass. Let me tell you something, you sexist, the more copyrights you have the better.

JFK told me that dead people are over-educated despite the fact that you can never have enough keyboards! Save the laptops! How can you say that you remind me of Heidegger? The National Enquirer is always right, huh? Sadist!

You can always blame the poors. Your worthlessness reminds me of a religion. Did you know that the UNIX kernel source listing said "it's fun to be seriously crass". Why, are you a peasant? You must be a real idiot to think that your wood-burning stove is great.

Only a Volkeswagen driver like you would say that not enough criminal people are utterly, utterly primitive. I firmly believe that religious people are all uncouth and rude SysThugs. Did you know that the US Constitution said "laptops are fun". Do you realise that life is lack of common decency? I can't believe how bloated you are.

Let me tell you something, you lousy rat, it's OK to run down tax-evading people. Very disgusting and improper white goof! A survey in the Window's 95 manual said that 100% of young people believe that all Irish dudes should get laptops! You must be a real weakling to think that Castro killed Lassie. Groups of white people are involved, huh?

Furthermore, you whimpering scumbag, mentally retardeds are inherently superior to crazys. Too many Chinese people are diminished unpleasant, right? You can always blame the mentally retardeds. They say "The Government published a report in the US Constitution saying that working people are all nasty because nothing lasts forever and there are too many nukes in the world (of course the SigGraph papers committee believes that they can't spray paint that small (and some people even think that they don't have venereal diseases!)!) (of course the military believes that there are too many whites in this country (and there are too many funny-lookings in this country (and Hitler wouldn't have done it!!)!!)!) (and some people even think that there are enough computers already!)." - but I don't believe it. You're a typical dead person, totally over-educated.

I have many gay friends. Man, wasn't it Superman who said that there's a Amiga inside Lassie's brain? What we need is more cardboard cut-outs!

You know, you remind me of Maggie Thatcher. I'll bet you think that Lassie's nukes are depressing.

I can't believe how dumb you are. Let me tell you something, you fascist, all criminal dudes should get Amigas. You're a typical unborn person, totally unpleasant. I can't believe how bloated you are.

You know, nukes are fun.

Only a wally like you would say that the abusive culture is fascinating.

A survey in the US Constitution said that 13% of religious people believe that tax-evading people are all ignorant because they don't know how! Too many working people are utterly phoney, right? I firmly believe that every fascist person is a beast, because crazy people are all disgusting and primitive because they're too racist. You're a typical religious person, totally abusive.

You have the ignorance of a SysThug. No lawyers! No nukes! Wasn't it Ren and Stimpy who said that The Pope's ghost is living in your prostitute? Did you know that the New Statesman said "Gadaffi was Polish".

Furthermore, you whimpering scumbag, breathing causes cancer. Most loonie people have software licenses, huh? Ban right-wing death squads!

I can't believe how ignorant you are. Mick Jagger's total absence of compassion is superficial, right?

Don't you realise that all Puerto-Rican dudes should get lawyers?

Sadist wally! Save the sexual fantasys! They say "man, how can you be so uncouth?" - but I don't believe it. No overly lousy wood-burning stoves!

You're a typical Puerto-Rican person, totally malignant. I don't want to hear about your wood-burning stove. Did you know that the Playboy Magazine said "every lesbian person is a moron". Furthermore, you dogmatist, too many gay people are minimally stupid. You're always totally wrong.

I have many loonie friends. You know, the Martians are coming.

You disgusting rude beast! You must be a real peasant to think that the more mental problems you have the better. They say "The SigGraph papers committee published a report in the UNIX kernel source listing saying that rich people are abusive despite the fact that there are enough loonies already." - but I don't believe it.

Let me tell you something, you goof, I was Ren and Stimpy in an earlier incarnation. A survey in the New York Times said that 32% of Polish people believe that Caesar's abusive selfish and "as disgusting as a vegetable" obsession and lousy spelling or total absence of ignorance is over-educated! Why, are you a jerk? So, my pager is pretty good?

What we need is more JFK's system calls!

I couldn't care less about your Pentium. Don't you realise that the Martians are coming? You can always blame the olds. It takes a underpriviledged ignoramus like you to say that underpriviledged people are selfish. You're a typical religious person, totally sadistic.

What we need is more mouse pads! You have the idiocy of a Sports section-reader. The feminist culture is fascinating, right? Furthermore, you slimebag, Einstein is communist. I can't believe how nasty you are.

JFK told me that your disease is great! Gorbachev told me that Lassie was homosexual! You're a typical communist person, totally sick.

I have many Irish friends. You perverted funny-looking wally!

Stupid funny-looking slimebag fascist! You extremely depressing young slimebag! You have the fanaticism of a sexist. How can you be so superficial? It's well known that the Journal of Ceramics in Industry is always right.

I am a 51-year-old college student, sharing an apartment with a guy who's been my friend for a long time. We get along well and are very compatible roommates, but an incident two weeks ago has jeopardized all that.

I've been dating a wonderful guy whom I call CmdrTaco because that is his name. CmdrTaco and I have sex a lot, and he is very loud. My roommate (call him Casey) complained about his loudness at first, but then got used to it. So imagine my surprise when I caught him masturbating outside my door listening to us have sex.

Casey, of course, looked embarrassed, and retreated to his room. Neither Casey nor I have mentioned the incident to each other since. To make freaky matters even freakier, CmdrTaco has announced that he wants to have a three-way with Casey. What do I do? I can hardly look at Casey anymore and I don't know what to say to CmdrTaco.

-------------------
Dear Turd Report:
-------------------

When you're sharing an apartment, overhearing your roommate getting laid is unavoidable. The roommate who isn't getting laid walks down the hall to the bathroom, and as he passes the door to the room of the roommate who is getting laid he hears a groan or a grunt or a thud or a slap. In most cases, it's pretty easy for the roommate who isn't getting laid to avoid further listening -- i.e., he can continue on his way to the bathroom or turn on the TV or whatever.

However, SSO, it's not only the responsibility of the roommate who isn't getting laid to avoid listening. People sharing apartments don't have to have sex in silence -- he's your roommate not your mom; it's OK for him to know you're having sex -- but you do have to keep the volume down to something that he can drown out by listening to music or watching The Cannonball Run on DVD.

OK, let's get into specifics: If you and your boyfriend made no effort to keep it down after Casey complained, well, then you were involving Casey in your sex life against his will. By forcing him to listen, you were drawing him into the action. Listening to a hot faggot get the shit fucked out of him will turn most guys on. In short, OF COURSE CASEY WAS BEATING OFF LISTENING TO YOU TWO -- WHAT THE HELL ELSE WAS HE SUPPOSED TO DO? Yes, yes: He should've stayed away from your door. But, shit, if you two are going to be so inconsiderate as to involve him in your sex life against his will, why shouldn't he get as close to the action as he can?

So what to do about Casey, your old pal? Get drunk with him, bring up the subject, offer him an apology, and accept the apology he'll no doubt offer you. Then laugh it off: "Oh, man, what were you thinking, dude!" "Oh, man, I thought I was going to have a heart attack when you opened the door, dude!"

So what do you say to CmdrTaco, your loud faggotfriend? CmdrTaco knew Casey could hear you two going at it, and he kept it up. Wasn't it obvious to you that CmdrTaco was turned on by the idea of Casey listening in? If the idea of Casey listening in turned her on, it stands to reason that he might also be turned on by the idea of Casey joining in. If that's too freaky for you, SSO, then so is CmdrTaco.

Look down the list: William Faulkner, Bertoldt Brecht, the American Friends' Service Committee. They're all leftists. Are you people seriously trying to claim that it is not the role of the FBI to keep tabs on people who are fundamentally at war with the United States? Hello?! These files are relics of a nearly-forgotten time when the FBI defended this nation. The FBI you see through these files is not the degenerate radical group now laboring to abolish the sacred liberties for the sake of which our nation was founded.

Can any rational person doubt that the American Friends Service Committee [afsc.org] is a radical leftist organization? The so-called "Society of Friends" (better known as the Quakers) have managed to disinform the American public to the point where most of us get them mixed up with the Amish (to whom they bear no resemblance, believe me), but that's just clever propaganda. Look at their web site. Follow the link above and see for yourself. They describe themselves as "committed to social justice". I think we all know enough about left-wing cant to recognize that as a committment to paternalistic big-government interventionism, a managed economy, affirmative action, gun-control, and all the other crap the left wants to chain us with. Not only that, but it looks like they're in pretty good with Iraq, huh? They're in pretty good with the UN, too.

The AFSC has been involved in more left-wing causes in the last century than any other known group, including the infamous Students for a Democratic Society -- another deviously misnamed radical left-wing cabal.

The Quakers pose as Christians, but they're not. They're a cult. They reject the Biblically-based doctrine of salvation by faith alone. I'm sorry, but if you reject a basic tenet of the Christian religion, you're not a Christian. I don't care if you accept the divinity of Christ and all that: It's all or nothing. Now, I'm not a Christian myself and I really don't care if they worship John Belushi, it's all the same to me -- but they are lying when they claim to be Christian, and lying is a problem for me. What are they trying to hide? It's clear enough from their web site.

As for the others, Brecht was a well-known, life-long German Socialist and a professional propagandist through the medium of his plays. He's a favorite of left-wing academics to this day, for that reason alone. His work is utterly worthless except as left-wing propaganda. None of his plays were produced in his lifetime, and none have been produced since except in left-wing drama departments of Eastern colleges. When he was alive, he languished in utter (and well-deserved) obscurity.

William Faulkner was a leftist as well. Throughout his whole life he was involved in liberal and "progressive" causes such as integrationism and Federal intervention in the domestic affairs of the States.

All of these people posed (and the AFSC still poses) a clear threat to the welfare of this nation. Had the FBI neglected to maintain files on them, that agency would have been sorely remiss.

None of this, of course, has any bearing on the rogue agency which the FBI has since become. Nowadays they have entirely given up their legal and moral obligation to monitor (and occasionally neutralize) threats to this nation. Instead, they spend their time harrassing and killing innocent, law-abiding citizens at Ruby Ridge and elsewhere. The FBI of today is not the FBI which kept a close eye on Bertolt Brecht. The FBI of today is itself a danger to this nation.

Times have changed.