alright day today. He looks and me, and i look at Him. it's ridiculous. something's gotta happen one of these days. the tension is killing me. but anyways, after school i went to this talk about plant structure at the cellular level. you know, i sort of enjoyed it. it was cool. i mean, i don't remember any of the names or anything. i couldn't label anything if i tried, but it was interesting to learn about. it was nice to use my brain after this weekend. of coooourse halloween weekend had to be a nonstop party. and it was. it was crazy. but school almost felt good today. it was in the very least, a change of pace. my history teacher wasn't there today, and our class had a pretty awesome time messing with the substitute. anyways, he had it coming to him when the first thing he did in class was whip out a bible. we couldn't help ourselves being the ghetto-fabulous-public school-super liberals that we all are. it was good times, in a class that is usually so boring i want to cry.

today in chem i forgot how to write the letter "q". i just could not write it for the life of me, and it was frustrating as hell. i got more and more pissed off about it, and i eventually just gave up and stopped taking notes. of all the stupid things that could happen to me, i forget how to write the letter "q". argh. i'm such a dumbass sometimes. i gotta NOT have these drug induced days.

i was being really ADD today. my brain is still on trip-out mode. but i'm learning things. my anit-communist history day project is interesting! i keep finding things all over the place. i have an official NHD playlist on my computer now. including "we didn't start the fire" (fire...red?? communism reference??) and "its the end of the world as we know it" (hmm??? end of the world?? get it??). and i was watching I love the 80's strikes back on VH1 and there was a bunch of stuff on there. its muy interesante. best of all, i saw Him today, oh the infamous Him. and i was playing with all his crazy little things that he carries around. and he was helping me with my project because i have no clue what i am doing. it's incredibly nice of him. dammit, why must the world be so incredibly unfair as to not let me have him? well. i guess the world isn't being unfair. in truth, i have plenty of "guys" who adore me, and whom i adore. i really do. but, you always want the one you can't have, right? argh. i am sick of settling for people. and he's just so damn attractive. intellegence is power, eh? i'm sick of the shitheads who i am always surrounded with. but now i am going on like a stupid little brat, and i dont want to sound like that. so i tihnk i will leave. love you all.

trippy day, and i wasn't even stoned. i don't know where my brain went. i think that somehow all the THC builds up somewhere in your brain, and sometimes when your not expecting it, it just hits you and you trip out without even smoking. is that possible or did i just make that up? oh well. i love the way that things look, and feel, and move. like i was watching water droplets in the shower, and it was amazing. i wish i had had my camera right then. i never noticed the patterns they form, and the way that leaves of palm trees all stick out and bend at the same angle no matter how big they are. and you know how black is supposed to be the combination of all colors, and white is supposed to be the lack of all colors? then how come we can still see it? i would think that clear would be the lack of all colors. white and black also come in different shades. and i love the way it feels to shave your legs and then wear pajama pants. does anyone else like it? or am i just crazy? i think its because when you shave, you scrape off old skin cells to reveal new ones. and the new ones are just thirsty for the sense of touch, and pajama pants feel soft and good. i don't know whats with today, but i can't stop thinking about things. its fantastic.

fall in cleveland means rain...thus the craposity of today. it was wet. it was wet yesterday too, but yesterday i was getting a kick out of trying to act tough in front of the ohio state crew coach who came down to watch out practice. today i didn't have to be tough, so i was extra wimpy. i had to go out and take pictures for my class (at the last possible minute of course. i've had all quarter and i put it off until three days before the deadline). it was raining, and gray, and the pictures were nice, but i was miserable. i was this hooded little figure that snuck around people's yards in the rain to take crazy spy pictures. i wonder if anybody tried to call the cops on me...i wouldn't be surprised. i was way too lazy and wet to bother asking people if i could take pictures of thier houses, so i stole all my shots. oh well. i'm going down to columbus (fascinating city...not.) this weekend for a regatta. i might also have to then go up to indiana for a second regatta. ugh. its going to be a long weekend. on the bright side, i finally got a NHD topic. anti-communist propaganda around the cold war. fun, no? well i think it's fun, but perhaps i'm sort of a dork like that. like james bond and stuff, ya know? heh. see ya.

yankees are in the world series :-) . well, of course they are. they are the best team. so i am happy. last night, i hung out with Him. we went to a metropark and froze our asses off, and then went back to his house and chilled. it was interesting. it was mostly me talking and talking and talking. he mostly just listened. that was ok. i was being sort of spastic. i guess i just fell into auto-pilot mode, which for me, means not shutting up. i can just keep on talking and i can think about other things while my mouth is going. anyways, it was a good thing that i was with him last night because all the rest of my friends were at this party that i was going to go to, and the party got busted by the cops. it wouldn't have really mattered for me, because it was like two houses down from mine, but i'm still glad i didn't have to go through that. i was talking to Him last night about something vaguely interesting for awhile though. i was thinking about people who are smart in high school...you know, people who work really hard and study really hard, and get all A's. what is the point? you work your ass off all the way through high school so you can go to a competitive college and work your ass off, so you can get a competitive job and work your ass off for years and years, and you finally get to retirement...and then you die. it doesn't make sense to me. i suppose i am only seeing it from one side, but if anybody can explain this phenomenon, it would be much appreciated. love you all.

today started out pretty crappy...as one might expect with a pink sunrise. days that start with pink sunrises are doomed to be bad. orange sunrises are good. days when it's too cloudy too see a good sunrise can go either way. pink sunrises are pretty rare around here, and you just know it's bad when it's coming. ok, well, i know it's bad. i'm not very superstitious, i think the whole thing is sort of ridiculous, even my sunrise theory. but it at least gives me a good excuse for why my day was crap. it's a scapegoat without emotions! it rocks. anyways, i was being reallly ADD today. i don't have ADD really, but today i couldn't sit still. class was just so damn boring and we just kept on doing useless busy work, and all i wanted to do was go outside and play soccer or something. finally classes ended though, and i was walking aroud killing time, about to be a good person and go to see my science teacher for extra studying, when He comes down the stairs right into me. and so of course, science gets forgotten and i talk to him for awhile. god he is so interesting, and so fucking refreshing. it drives me insane. i ended up being late for crew, and i never made it to science. i was just talking. it was nice. then i went to crew and promptly spaced out and almost crashed into another boat. heh, oh well. last playoff game tonight...i don't know if i can bear to watch it. i almost bit off someone's head today when they were talking shit about the yankees. i shouldn't watch sports, i get too attached.

i read this article about mixing skittles in with alcohol. i've done that before. it kind of rocks. i like skittles and corona. then again, i like almost anything and corona. i like rolling rock a lot too, and red stripe, and heineken, and guiness, and a few others. i'm like a big beer drinking man. heh. i hate when girls don't like to drink beer. personally, i hate hard liqour. most of it either tastes like rubbing alcohol to me, or tastes like rubbing alcohol with too much sugar. things like SoCo are really sickening. i mostly stick to beer. i just like the taste. i drink it like i drink pop (soda-for all you non midwesterners. god i hate ohio). anyways, today was incredibly autumn-y. i was outside at lunch freezing my ass off like a dumb smoker, and dragging my feet through pools of leaves. those leaves were definitely not there yesterday. where did they come from?? how is it suddenly fall?? summer was yesterday. it feels like it was just last week we were all on emily's back porch smoking a blunt together and laughing about summer things. school was years away from us...man i miss that. well. sort of. well, yeah i miss it. for all that it was crazy, it was fun. and i love them all. the rest of today was boring. came home from school and got yelled at for something stupid. did my homework, didn't understand a word of it. i have started to make up words in latin, because looking them all up takes waaaay too long, and requires way more effort than i feel like putting into a dumb homework assignment. my word of the day is "safere" meaning "to be safe". latin is pretty much a sponge class for me. it's an easy A, because my teacher is crazy and my brother took the exact same class last year. i'm reading bright lights, big city. it uses this really cool second person style writing. it rocks. i don't really have time in my life to read, but i do it anyway because i like to. i despised books from like sixth grade until tenth (long story). i've started to read again though. i remember now how much i liked it. i'm still getting used to doing it on a regular basis though. you'd be surprised at how hard it is to read again after not having read for so long. i haven't forgotten what the words look like or anything, but it's hard to get into stories. i don't know if anybody knows what i am talking about. oh well. by the way, to the annonymous coward who keeps leaving me notes...are you the same guy each time? or is it a team of annonymous cowards? and why are you so annonymous? i don't really mind, or really care that much...i was just wondering. see ya.

well first of all, thank you, for whoever left the comment on my last entry. that was nice of you. it made me feel less stupid. even though...today i was supposed to answer a question in history, and i said something that i *thought* made sense, but it was blatantly wrong, as my teacher told me. everyone looked at me like i was a dumbass, but oh well. i was distracted byt this keychain thing i was playing with. it belongs to him, but i like to bug him until he lets me play with it. terribly amusing, i must say. it's sort of nice when i catch him looking at me. he does that sometimes, i'm pretty sure. i can't tell if it's out of curiosity, or genuine annoyance, like if he doesn't constantly keep me in check then i will step in and ruin his life. argh. i don't know. i have three essays to write sometime this week. as much as writing essays right now seems just about as appealing as drinking cuyahoga river water (i accidentally ran over some dead thing today at practice...i think it may have been a squirrel...), i know that andy is pitching tommorow. and i want to be free to just sit and stare at him and talk to myself about him all throughout the game. one more game, and the yankees are in. people are all "yeah the yankees buy thier way to the world series". i'm like...so??? how the fuck else are they going to get there?? they best players cost the msot money OF COURSE BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS WIN!! duh. georgy is a smart man and he wants the best. thus, he pays for them and pays for the best training so that they can be the best players and win. and then people get angry. red sox fans, and *especcially* indians fans, just don't make any sense.

get ready...i can feel an angry/frustrated rant coming on...alright, well, here's the thing. i am sick to death of being stupid. i know, youre thinking, "you should just work harder and put in more effort, etc". some people don't comprehend the difficulty in that. this all started in history today when we were getting our DBQ's back. now i usually don't care much about tests. my general feeling is that they are useless and annoying and too frequent. usually i wing everything and do alright because i've paid attention in class and done all the reading. i don't usually get A's, but usually i can pull off a B or C. not the case in history however. but this time, i was really prepared for once in my life. i skipped two classes before history on the day of teh test just do i could do extra studying. i read the chapter three times over and i knew everything in intense detail. i really fucking knew what i was talking about. i went into history and wrote my heart out, including as many things as possible. it was a hard test but i walked out feeling like i had studied as hard as i could and feeling like i had written a decent essay. i heard all the "smart" people talking abotu how they did shitty and they didn't know what they were talking about. i was happy for once that i had tried and i thought it had paid off. but alas, she returned them today and i ended up with a 6. out of 15. smart people all aroudn me were busting out with 12's and 13's...A's on the AP scale. i failed. a six is a failure. she said i didn't know what i was talking about and it was "obvious that i had not read the chapter". FUCKIN A!!! i wouldn't have cared if i didn't try, but i really did try for once. i don't think i could have tried any harder in fact. it bugs me that everyone else did better than me. not that i care about being "the best" or anything, but i've been taking the same classes as these kids all my life. i mean, what happened? since when are they so smart and i'm not? i've taken the same classes. i've done honors and AP. some of these people are idiots!! i know they didn't read!! dammit krammit, i am just stupid. and i am so sick of it. i wish i jsut knew what to do. i probably sounds like a dumb blonde here when i am writing all this. i know, tests really aren't that hard and i don't work as much as other people. but i really studied this time and i failed. may as well just go back to not trying.

i decided to take a break from my life for a little while last night. it was the usual homecoming ritual, and i had been watching it build up for months. the more and more alcohol we bought the less i wanted to go. not that i don't like to drink or have fun, but in my groupd of friends...smoking pot three times a day is the norm, and it's Very Strange if you miss a day. we're all a little bit fucked in the head i think. well anyway...last night was homecoming, and i decided not to go. my friends bitched but i couldn't stand the thought of the usual drinking competition within my group of friends, and within the entire school. it's always the same old frenzy of who is the "drunkest". most drunk. drunkest? i don't know. instead i hung out with him and his friends. we like, talked. and rented a movie, and actually watched it...it was surprisingly refreshing to be normal. i had a lot of fun with them. and for once instead of talking about drugs the entire time, i was finding other things to say. it was like..whoa..normal conversation....heh. i'm not going to stop smoking. duh, i love to smoke, i really really enjoy it. but it is nice to have a change in scenery once in awhile. i think him and his friends liked me too. i did a lot of sitting and saying nothing, but i laughed with them. and talked with them (even though half the time they launched into computer talk and i couldn't understand a word). bottom line, i had fun, i didn't drink, and i didn't smoke, and i did normal things. who would have ever thought that could happen? certainly not myself. it was good to see..i think it may have played a major part in reaffirming my faith in mankind. not everbody is like myself and my friends. that is a very good thing.

days get really long this time of year. i enjoy it though. every day is full to the last drop. it was a miserable day on the river today though. there was some sort of oil spill on the cuyahoga so everything was blocked off and it was gray and everyone was pissed off and it just wasn't working. oh well, saturday i've got practice in the morning and things will be better. today was a good day in general though, because i talked to him. for quite a little while, we just hung around. a few of his other friends were there. they are nice. nothing like my main posse, whom i love dearly. i hope i used "whom" correctly, because i got a lecture from the princeton review guy today about the correct usage. he was hella boring though...and a steelers fan. so i tuned most of what he was saying out. tommorow night is this academic decathlon sleepover party thing. it's at my house since my brother is the captain (i'm sort of just a moocher. yes, i am in acadeca though, and no it's not just more studying, and no we don't actually do shit). anyways he said he was stopping by for a little while, even if he isn't sleeping over. ugh it's so frustrating that i can't tell whats going on inside of him. everyone else i meet, you know, your average everyday pothead type, is easy. all i have to do if i want them to like me is push out my boobs and take big hits. they will be impressed, and bada-bing bada-boom! i've got him. he isn't so easy because i dont really know what he wants. argh. well, tonight i have a date with andy petite and a blunt. so i think i am gonna get going with that. love you, world.

my parents are Very Jewish. not orthodox, just very into the whole judaism thing. i'm not a fan of organized religion for the most part, but i let them do thier thing. who am i to criticize? but anyways, we are one of those crazy families that actually build a sukkah (shibby tent thing) in our back yard. so tonight i was dragged out from my oh so interesting english paper to lug around tent poles...in a miniskirt and flip-flops. those are not designed for physical labor. needless to say i had a rough time. oh well, it made them happy. i try and make them happy about all the things that i can. you know, things i dont really *mind* doing, like building weird jewish things. that way, it's easier when i do things that they don't like that i really won't be flexible about. like smoking, and my friends for the most part (some of them have not-so-good track records...). i try and help out when i can. but it's bloody annoying. oh well. i didn't do much today. school was muy aburrido, and then i watched a documentary about a puritan preist. woo, fun. it was really hot out today (well, by hot i mean about 75 degrees). that was kind of nice. i was getting used to being cold though. now i'm going to have to get used to it all over again. i kind of wish it would snow. i love snow in early winter and late fall. it's fresh and new and pretty still. after new years it loses its novelty and then i start to bitch about it. but this time of year, it's nice. anyways, going to do my homework now. (yeah, that was a really optimistic proclamation...i'll probably just sit here on my ass for a little while longer and then wonder where all the time went when it is suddenly 2am and i'm tired. oh well, thats life.)

man oh man. god help me if i haven't gone and done something crazy. i've gone and fallen for a nerd. now i don't think anyone on this site knows anything about me, but for my entire life (well, the last fours years or so which is all i can really remember anyway) i've been going out with trashy shits who think they're cool (and evidentally so do i), and drop out of high school and smoke a lot of pot. i met this guy sean the other day. he's 20, dropped out of school at 17, and works at medic. he looked me over, decided i was fair game, and told me about how he usually looks better, but he got beat up in the ghetto last night. i was like "hmm". sadly that is the most boring pickup line i've ever heard. i hear it alllll the time. it's quite refreshing to hear some new ideas, not involving pot for once. i mean, yeah i love to smoke...but i've sort of forgotten what i'm like underneath it. so i've fallen for this incredible nerd, who thinks i am the dumbest shit in the world. well, maybe he is right, but how should i know? i have no concept of my own intelligence, but i think i have a vague capability of learning. oh on a random note to support that evidence, i took the pre-psat's(like a practice...for a practice test...my school is weird and obsessive). by some freak chance i got a perfect on math. i did pretty well on verbal and writing skills as well, but i did really well in math. that's ironic because i've never considered myself very mathematical. i've always been more of a creative thinker, and i wasn't sure at all of my answers while i was filling them in. i guess i'm a good guesser! heh. oh well, i'm not getting my hopes up for the real thing. i don't expect to do nearly as well. sorry for writing a ton. although, i'm sure nobody will bother reading this after seeing that it's this long. why am i still talking? shut up! no, really, shut up! shit. goodbye. love to all. (shut up already, geez!!)

so i learned today (because it was bothering me and i had to ask) from my friend mike that glass is made out of silicon, which forms sand, then gets melted into glass, which is actually liquid except it's almost solid so it moves really slow. i was trippin last night over what glass was made of. i thought it was like some sort of carbon thing, like diamonds. i think i knew the liquid thing, somewhere deep within my mind. that sounds familiar, but i couldn't think of it last night. anyways, that problem is solved. whew. tonight i was going around looking at people with glasses and thinking about how it was silicon. i think that rocks. i was so excited when he explained it to me, i almost fell out of my chair (very stoned). but really, thats cool. and it's not just the drugs talking. i decided if i was an animal i would be an owl. i was watching this thing on the discovery channel about them and how they hunt. they have like super sensitive hearing, it's crazy. it would rock to be an owl.