blinder's Journal: Friday Night (Take 2)

gasp* !!
Satan must be looking for the thermostat and wondering what's with all the ice and snow in hell.

The unthinkable happened! i mustered up some courage, and asked a woman out on a date... and well, she said "yes." i'm pretty sure she's actually going to get her hair done and dress up. um yeah. i'm pretty well beside myself. i made reservations near a place where she lives and yeah, its all set.

i told her how nervous i was asking. she got it.

*sigh*

yeah, so i'm looking forward to this. i am just looking forward to spending some time with her. see, here's the deal. i am mostly nervous around people. i'm good at hiding it, and no, its not like a social anxiety thing. i just get nervous and typically the first thing i do in social situations is look for the exit. but, with her i am relaxed and so not nervous. i actually feel like i can be myself, problems and all. this is very important. when i was with tracy, i wasn't allowed to be upset, have moments of weakness and generally always had to be strong, stable and well adjusted. when i would have the courage to get upset, this would usually anger tracy. her anger, i believe, was in the insecurity she felt. its a real shame actually. so, i learned when asked "are you okay?" the answer always had to come back "yes of course." i know this isn't unique. but it is to me. i'm tired of always being strong. i have problems. i want to experience them. i want to be able to cry and have bad days and have that NOT scare anyone. all i ever wanted from tracy was understanding. of course i never had the courage to tell her what i wanted (abandonment issues are lovely aren't they?)... that what i wanted was for her to just listen.

so... now, i've come a long way, still have a long way to go, but currently here's how i feel about this.

i deserve some happiness. i've been through some shit in my life... some of it documented here. everyone has... i'm not unusual or special -- really... i get this. i'll say it more strongly. i *know* that i am nothing special here. but i figure that i am entitled to just a little happiness. its my turn okay? i keep getting bumped in line, and i let others cut in front of me, as i just put my hands in my pockets and shuffle my feet as others go past me in the happiness line.

i thought i was happy for the last 10 years. but i know that was a lie. i really did think that being with tracy, in a loveless, but friendly union, was how its supposed to work. i really did. i didn't know any better. i had no fucking frame of reference! there were no past girlfriends/relationships i could use as a barometer or benchmark. so, yeah i learned that i was quite miserable. i had glimpses of this being miserable during the last decade... but i quickly put that out of my mind... didn't want to deal with it.

*sigh*

what's interesting about this whole date thing is, that i am being acknowledged. i've never been acknowledged. shit... that's the way i wanted it. i expended vast amounts of energy to ensure i couldn't be acknowledged. when i met tracy, she did acknowledge me, she knew i was there... but that didn't really last. oh sure, she talked to me, we could laugh and spend nice afternoons and share our days... but there was always that "take it or leave it" distance that just became so amplified with tracy and by extension me... which was really ripping me apart on the inside. see, i just wanted, just once, to be acknowledged. "hey, look, blinder's in the room, that's kinda cool i guess." yeah, never knew that.

so yeah, when i see my name referenced around here from time to time... it always kinda freaks me out a little. its just alien. its from not knowing from being acknowledged and the idea that i think i am always perceived as a dork. ugh... getting better about that.

Well, yeah. its thursday. i'm having an exceptionally lazy morning. need to get out of here now. so yeah... look everyone, see blinder on his growing edge. just know this is all weird for me. weird-wonderful, but weird all the same. i'll be fine :)

*looks around to make sure the apocalypse hasn't occurred to see if i am, indeed, the last man on the planet*

[COMMENTS]

way cool! (Score:5)
by tuxette (731067) * on 10:48 AM -- Thursday February 17 2005 (#11699805)
(Last Journal: 05:51 AM -- Saturday February 19 2005)
Have a good Friday night!

Great! (Score:5)
by Pirogoeth (662083) on 10:59 AM -- Thursday February 17 2005 (#11700009)
(http://www.ikrug.com/ | Last Journal: 09:03 AM -- Tuesday February 15 2005)

I was going to say something to this effect, but I think you've captured it perfectly. Good luck!

Congrats (Score:5)
by dead sun (104217) on 11:12 AM -- Thursday February 17 2005 (#11700260)
(http://www.aranach.com/ | Last Journal: 09:00 PM -- Saturday February 19 2005)
I'll send the god of everything going right out to watch over you.

Enjoy yourself. Have a good time. Relax. Be yourself.

And contrary to what you say, everybody is at least a little bit special. Some people think they're more special than they are, and others less special than they are. However, if you can't acknowledge that you're at least a little special, not many people are going to do that for you. You're figuring it out though. Admission that you deserve some happiness is a good step to acknowledging that you are, indeed, special.

It's okay to step up and be selfish now and again. If anybody has a problem with you being selfish just every once in a while it's because they're far more selfish. As long as you're not abusively selfish, any reasonable person will just smile and say it's your turn, you're mostly selfless, and it's a deserved reward. Really, that's how it works. Give and take. Strike a healthy balance.

Now get out there and have some fun!

Re:Congrats (Score:5)
by TechnoLust (528463) * on 01:07 PM -- Thursday February 17 2005 (#11702153)
(http://slashdot.org/~TechnoLust/journal/ | Last Journal: 12:52 PM -- Friday February 18 2005)
I'm unique just like everyone else! :-)

I'll echo dead sun's sentiments here... have a great time bro, you DO deserve it.

excellent news (Score:5)
by subgeek (263292) * on 11:13 AM -- Thursday February 17 2005 (#11700275)
(http://slashdot.org/~subgeek/journal | Last Journal: 02:23 PM -- Wednesday February 16 2005)
like i've said before, i agree totally that you deserved something like this to happen. looks like it did happen, or more correctly is going to happen now. things are looking up.

I am so happy for you. (Score:5)
by Talinom (243100) > on 11:13 AM -- Thursday February 17 2005 (#11700288)
(http://slashdot.org/journal.pl?op=friends | Last Journal: 11:58 AM -- Sunday February 20 2005)
Damn. I'm almost crying. This is truely wonderful blinder.

I am hoping that you have yourself an excellent date on Friday. That you can be relaxed around her is wonderful. Enjoy the moment. File it away for that rainy day when you may be feeling down.

And remember this: she said yes because she likes being around you, too.

Uhm... (Score:5)
by HokieSeas (560745) * on 11:39 AM -- Thursday February 17 2005 (#11700751)
(http://atogsworld.blogspot.com/ | Last Journal: 08:04 PM -- Saturday February 19 2005)
the idea that i think i am always perceived as a dork

Uhm...I thought you were, just like the rest of us?

Three cheers! (Score:5)
by bryanthompson (627923) * on 12:10 PM -- Thursday February 17 2005 (#11701250)
(http://www.e4industries.com/bryan | Last Journal: 02:06 PM -- Thursday February 17 2005)
We're all happy for you! You deserve to have a life, to have fun, and to have relationships, even if this doesn't turn out to be a serious thing. Just remember: baby steps :)

Have a great time! n/t (Score:5)
by curtisk (191737) on 12:40 PM -- Thursday February 17 2005 (#11701732)
(http://slashdot.org/~curtisk/journal/ | Last Journal: 01:07 PM -- Tuesday February 01 2005)
n/t

Re:reminder (Score:5)
by SamTheButcher (574069) * on 05:46 PM -- Saturday February 19 2005 (#11724951)
(http://www.samthebutcher.com/ | Last Journal: 01:26 PM -- Saturday February 19 2005)
My fave: "He's takin' the skin boat to tuna town!"

Honestly, though, I wouldn't be surprised to see blinder baleet this JE after all the vulgar talkin'. You want it to be special with yer lady, you don't want your friends all up in your ear goin' "Get some!"

You go ahead, blinder. Baleet at will.

w00t. (Score:5)
by mekkab (133181) on 01:04 PM -- Thursday February 17 2005 (#11702103)
(http://apl.jhu.edu/~mekkab | Last Journal: 10:24 PM -- Thursday January 20 2005)
Women are fun to hang out with.

And useful, too. Even the ones who "just want to be friends" are very valuable; they have other female friends they can introduce you to. And thus the networking begins.

relax, be yourself, don't concentrate on making sure SHE is having a good time; concentrate on making sure YOU are having a good time. blah blah blah, look both ways before crossing the street, let a smile be your umbrella, puff puff give, don't grow corn in winter, blase-blah.

Re:w00t. (Score:5)
by Zeriel (670422) on 08:27 AM -- Friday February 18 2005 (#11710694)
(http://slashdot.org/~Zeriel | Last Journal: 10:03 AM -- Wednesday February 09 2005)
Seconded on all three counts. Go blinder, go blinder! You rock, you rock.

Hey hey there kids! (Score:5)
by robi2106 (464558) on 01:35 PM -- Thursday February 17 2005 (#11702554)
(http://slashdot.org/~robi2106/journal | Last Journal: 03:10 PM -- Friday February 18 2005)
I'm glad to hear the good news! I'll be reading should you decide to post anything about how it went.

It sounds trite for me to say this, but don't get too nervous. :-)

wesome (Score:5)
by Iamthefallen (523816) * on 07:47 PM -- Thursday February 17 2005 (#11706793)
(http://slashdot.org/ | Last Journal: 09:17 AM -- Saturday February 19 2005)

Good luck, try to just relax and have fun man.

Dude (Score:5)
by LordBodak (561365) * on 09:30 PM -- Thursday February 17 2005 (#11707287)
(Last Journal: 01:16 PM -- Wednesday February 16 2005)
You da man now dog. I can't do the Sean Connery accent though... lol Anyway... go out, have a great time... enjoy yourself... you deserve it.

Hey, this is nice! (Score:5)
by btlzu2 (99039) * on 12:12 AM -- Friday February 18 2005 (#11708308)
(http://slashdot.org/ | Last Journal: 09:38 AM -- Saturday February 19 2005)
Good luck man. I hope you have a good time. If you can, try to remember that you are a nice, cool dude with shitloads of talent and brains. You have things to offer too, so it ain't all about her liking you, but how much you like her too, ya dig?

Have a lovely time. I hope you guys have some nice conversation and a wonderful time out.

Show up. (Score:5)
by rdewald (229443) * on 01:02 PM -- Friday February 18 2005 (#11714208)
(http://www.fatloser.org/ | Last Journal: 11:11 AM -- Monday February 14 2005)
The most important thing for you to do is be present. Be mindful of what is going on, don't get stuck in what might happen in the future or what has happened in the past. You only get one first date with anybody, don't miss it because your consciousness is somewhere else.

Several times during the evening mentally stop for a moment and check in with your feelings, just try to notice what you feel, what it's like to be sitting at a table across from this lucky woman, what the air feels like on your skin, who is around and what they are doing.

Two of the three most important things in life are: pay attention and pay attention. The third one is pay attention.

Have fun.

Re:Show up. (Score:5)
by SamTheButcher (574069) * on 05:52 PM -- Saturday February 19 2005 (#11724988)
(http://www.samthebutcher.com/ | Last Journal: 01:26 PM -- Saturday February 19 2005)
He's right, you know. I mean, no less of a man than Woody Allen said "Eighty percent of success is showing up."

Show up.

Oh, yeah, and have fun. Even though I'm writing this on Saturday afternoon, still, have fun. Still. More. Yeah.

When? (Score:5)
by ryanr (30917) * on 12:18 PM -- Sunday February 20 2005 (#11729083)
(Last Journal: 04:25 PM -- Friday December 31 2004)
Was this two days ago Friday, or 5 days from now Friday? If it was two days ago, then....

HOW DID IT GO?

[ Reply to This ]
Second Date? (Score:5)
by ellem (147712) * on 12:32 PM -- Sunday February 20 2005 (#11729175)
(http://ellem.is-a-geek.org:5280/MM/ | Last Journal: 04:56 PM -- Saturday February 19 2005)
Or fresh kill?
--
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they get up in the morning that's as good as they will feel all day.
[ Reply to This ]
Being Acknowledged (Score:5)
by pythorlh (236755) on 12:58 PM -- Sunday February 20 2005 (#11729332)
(http://www.pythor.com/ | Last Journal: 09:24 PM -- Thursday January 06 2005)
Hunh, that whole bit about never being acknowledged, adn like/fearing when you are... That is so totally me. I'm just really beginning to get over it in a professionaly situation. I know that I really need to get over it if I want to get where I want to go.

Yeah, so that was kind of rambly, but I know where you're coming from. And good luck, blinder!
--
Do not confuse duty with what other people expect of you; they are utterly different.Duty is a debt you owe to yourself.
[ Reply to This ]