My job is getting to me. I don't have a specific list of complaints, just a hodgepodge of nebulous emotional crap. Angst. I hate angst. Even worse than angst is people who whine about their angst in blogs nobody reads. However, I've been mulling it over this evening and I want to commit it to text while it's still fresh in my mind.

Basically, I've lost confidence. Not in my ability, but in my job security. I'm feeling redundant. I've been robbed of my area of expertise with the hiring of two other web designers. I now have to compete for work and praise and favor with two other guys who essentially do the same thing I do. It's a shitty position to be in.

Today my manager was meeting with the head marketroid. These are two people I need to please: my manager because he's the one who divvies up tasks and the marketroid because he has the power to approve or reject everything I do. So do I suck up to my manager who I deal with on a daily basis, or do I suck up to the marketroid who can create more work for me to do? I made a spontaneous decision which may have been the wrong one.

I needed to ask my manager a quick question which , at the time, couldn't really wait, so I politely poked my head in the door and asked and was about to leave when I made my foolish choice. I saw they were looking at some of the pages I've been working on and thought they might want my input, so I hung around for a few minutes, not at all expecting that the meeting would continue for another two hours. In fact, I wasn't even sure it was a real meeting, I at first assumed it was just two guys chatting.

Within about 10 minutes it became clear that this was indeed an actual meeting but by then it was too late to extract myself. The marketroid had engaged me in the conversation and it would have been rude to bail out as if I didn't value his opinions. I got sucked into a meeting that I hadn't been invited to and didn't even really want to be part of, I had only wanted to remind the marketroid of my existence and talent and make sure he knew that *I* had done the work he was looking at. I wanted a few moments of approval and praise and credit then I would be on my way. But I got sucked in wound up pissing off my boss.

Two grueling hours later the meeting was over. I never even sat down and had been trying all along to find a pause in the discussion to pull myself out of the room. My manager took me aside and said "I'm quite annoyed with you. You just invited yourself to a two hour meeting. There's other work you haven't been doing. If I want you in a meeting I'll invite you." But I didn't really mean to invite myself I just got sucked in, I didn't know it was a real meeting when I poked my head in the door, in fact I had nothing else to work on anyway, and dammit I *should* have been in that meeting to begin with because they were reviewing *my* work.

But I didn't argue. I had screwed up and I admitted it. I needed to ask the question but I shouldn't have stayed beyond that. And my manager's annoyance is like a harsh spanking, like the crushing disapproval of a father. I hate this feeling.

And it's all because I'm not confident that my job is secure. If I knew where I stood I wouldn't have shoved my nose in that office and tried to impress anyone. I wouldn't have injected my pearls of wisdom because I wouldn't feel like I have something to prove.

Six months ago I was the only designer on the team. Anything that had to do with a pixel went across my desk. I was the domain expert on HTML, CSS, Photoshop, iconography, logo design, page layout, browser compatability, navigation, usability, accessability and aesthetics. I was valuable and essential, critically instrumental in the future success of the site. Now I'm just another pixeljockey and I don't even have any programming skills to fall back on.

So I have to do my best to carve myself a niche, to find some new domain to be the expert in. I've been campaigning for more standards-compliance and cleaner markup. I've been chiming in with opinions and critiques of the other designers' work, using the kind of bullshit marketing terminology I hate. Buzzphrases like "conversion rates" and "revenue impact" and "cross-media branding." I have to make myself vital again.

Later this month will be my one year anniversary at this job. It's the best job I've ever had. I like the site, I like the company, I like my bosses, I like my co-workers, I even like my cubicle. This job is pretty much the only good thing in my life right now and I simply don't know what I would do if I lost it. So maybe I'm overcompensating and trying too hard. I shouldn't have horned into that meeting. I should have just kept my mouth shut and my head down and just do what I'm told and hope against hope that I'm not on the block when the next round of layoffs comes along. I should have trusted my manager to make sure I got credit for the work I've done.

So what to do next... Another project is kicking off next week (or rather resuming after a short hiatus while contracts were being haggled). I need to really shine on this one. I need to impress the decision-makers with my work instead of my opinions. I need to tone down my attitude and fit in and redeem myself in the eyes of my manager. And I need to stop angsting out over this shit.

In November of 2001 I was out of work and out of money and was forced to give up my apartment in the East Bay and move back to Houston to live with my parents while I continued to desperately look for work. Because I had no intention of staying in Houston permanently, and because I was willing to take a job anywhere in the country (with the exceptions of Florida and Alabama), I did not transfer my car registration immediately. I was still registered and insured in California, even though I wasn't residing there.

Well, the jobsearch dragged on in an excruciating fashion and it soon came time to renew my registration. Being a horrible procrastinator by nature, I put it off and my registration expired. However, about the same time my registration expired, my car was broken into and some cds were stolen, some from the glove compartment. My registration was in the glove compartment, nestled between some cds. So, that vital little piece of paper was stolen as well. The original, not a copy. Dumb me.

I couldn't transfer my registration to Texas without a copy of my prior registration, and the state of California would not issue a duplicate copy of a registration which had expired. I was pretty well screwed. And since I still didn't plan to stay in Texas, I just kept stalling until I had some idea where I was going to wind up on a more permanent basis.

In September 2002 I was still unemployed and had been driving my car illegally since July, suffering panic attacks whenever I saw a cop. I had been saving my unemployment checks and decided to make a bold move and come back to the bay area to look for work, this time as a local resident (nobody hires web developers from out of state any more). Of course, since I didn't know if I was going to be remaining in California, I still didn't renew my registration.

In December I found a job, got an apartment, and everything seemed to finally be stabalazing. I had a permanent address again, and since it was in the same state where I was already registered, I didn't have to deal with the pain of transferring or registering anew. So I started the renewal process.

I had gotten a renewal notice the previous year, which I had been forced to ignore. But now I could just renew normally, alebit seriously late. I paid the penalty and set the wheels in motion. Of course, this is the California DMV we're talking about, so the wheels move very slowly. A month after sending my check, I got a notice that the renewal couldn't proceed until they had proof of insurance. DOH! I was still insured in Texas, I hadn't started a new policy for my new residence. So, I got my insurance started and the wheels resumed their ponderous spin.

Finally I got my new registration for 2003... 3 days before it expired. I was legal for three whole days, and it was wonderful. No more cop-induced fits of anxiety, no more chanting my silent mantra of "don't see the sticker, don't see the sticker, don't see the sticker" until the cop behind me made a turn. It was a sweet taste of freedom. Out of my way, I'm a motorist!

Then it expired. Problem was, this time I hadn't gotten a renewal notice. I didn't have the form to send and didn't know what my fee would be. I foolishly procrastinated again. I kept meaning to call the DMV, really I did, I just never actually got around to doing it. In August I got my *late* renewal notice. At least now I had the form and the amount, with only a $30 penalty if I did it within 90 days of the expiration. I sent a check off post-haste at the end of August and have been eagerly awaiting my beautiful blue sticker for 2004.

Yesterday I opened my mailbox and felt a rush of elation upon seeing the cheesy blue 70s clip-art stylings of a California DMV envelope. Alas, it did not contain my 2004 registration and shiny blue sticker. It seems I'm due for a smog inspection, which I should have known anyway since it's been two years. It might have been nice if the renewal notice had mentioned it though.

So, I'm still driving illegally. Tomorrow I'll fork over whatever outrageous amount they're charging for a 20 minute smog inspection, the results will be filed with the DMV electronically, and in 20-30 days I'll finally be legal again. I tellya, next year I'm renewing early.

Now I just need to get my California driver's license...

I'm mildly annoyed at the way the Mozilla project has shifted their focus right when I finally worked up the nerve to switch. Henceforth, they'll be working on lean stand-alone applications for browsing and mail, rather than a single all-in-one mother app. But one of the main attractions for me was that I *wanted* an all-in-one. I like having a single program running for browsing and email, rather than two. I use Trillian because I can be on all four messengers without running four programs (though I still use pIRCh for irc) and I started using Mozilla because it offers everything I need in one place. But now I guess I'll have to run Phoenix and Minotaur separately, whenever they're released and renamed. Hopefully they'll continue to offer and update the bloated version as an alternative.

Of course, I don't really find it all that bloated in the first place. Sure it's got a bunch of stuff that not everyone wants, but you can choose which components you want to install. I suppose it's annoying to have a 13mb download when all you want is one component, so I certainly think a stand-alone browser should be available for those that want it. But then again, I haven't actually used Phoenix, maybe it really is much faster. I still don't like the idea of running several programs at once just to get my work done. That was pretty much the whole point in switching anyway, to get away from running Outlook all the time. Oh well.

Now for the reviews. Week One of the switch experiment has gone well. I still haven't imported all my old mail, but I've been using MozMail for all the new stuff. One complaint I had right off the bat is that the "check for mail every ___ minutes" option is kind of hidden away in the middle of a list of options in a less-than-obvious dialog (it's in account settings, not mail & news preferences.) In the end, this makes sense, because it allows you to set a different timer for each account, but it might be nice if it was easier to find. Mostly just an interface issue, not a functionality issue. However, it checks mail automatically at launch, I'd like the option to disable that function.

I'd also like an option to view full headers in the actual body of the message window, or to at least be able to select and copy the headers from the little header bar. An even better idea might be to right-click on a message and be offered a menu option to "copy headers." As it is, to get the headers onto my clipboard I have to choose to forward the message, then copy from that new window, then close the message without sending. At least it does give an option to display them in the first place, unlike Outlook which forces you to view the message properties in a dialog to see the headers. Score points for the lizard.

As for the beta calendar, it seems decent so far. I like the ability to create multiple calendars, eg. Business Meetings and Personal Appointments. However, it would be nice if events from different calendars (which all display together on the calendar view) were distinguished somehow, by color preferably. Speaking of colors, the palette of calendar window itself doesn't seem to be variable. This may in fact be skinnable, but there aren't many skins yet to choose from. The only official calendar skin on the project site is one for Skypilot, and I haven't tried it yet to see if it recolors the calendar.

Another problem with the calendar feature is the event notification. I'm not notified of impending events until I actually open the calendar. It would be nice to get reminders whenever Mozilla is running, rather than having to actively check the calendar or keep it open all day long so I'm sure to get reminders. This could be a checked option in the event creation dialog, to "send notifications even when Mozilla Calendar is not open" or something to that effect. Then perhaps a preference to have this checked by default or not.

I guess this "review" comes across as mostly negative, but really the criticisms are small nitpicks. The positive aspects of Mozilla are too numerous to list, so it's just easier to point out the few drawbacks I've encountered. Overall I'm quite pleased and am proud to call myself a Mozilla convert. And I'm not even a linux geek.

I've been using Mozilla 1.2 as my default browser in Windows for about six weeks, finally got around to upgrading to 1.3 a couple days ago. It has been a gradual transition, and is not yet complete, but I hope to eventually pull away from the stranglehold IE and Outlook have on my browsing/mailing life.

I had been reluctant to tear away from IE mainly because it's just so handy, being deeply embedded in my OS so it opens almost instantly when I click the icon... Mozilla can take an agonizing 8-12 seconds to launch and I'm a busy man. But, the quicklaunch option is nice. It just keeps Mozilla running as a process, even though no windows are open. Which, of course, is exactly how IE opens so fast too, since it's always running whenever Windows is running.

I was also slow to adopt the big lizard because IE seems to render most pages so perfectly and reliably, with very few display quirks. This is, of course, because most pages are designed specifically to look and function best in IE on Windows since that is what the vast majority of web surfers are using. But a properly built, standards-compliant page will look just as good in Mozilla as in IE, so ultimately the display quirks are the fault of the designers, not of the browser. I do kind of like being able to color the scrollbars with CSS, and maybe future versions of Mozilla will incorporate this essentially frivolous yet attractive ability.

As I've become increasingly paranoid about security and privacy, and increasingly aggressive about denying the invasive marketroids access to my life, I came to appreciate Mozilla's privacy and security features. I like being able to see what sites I've saved passwords for and purge just those I no longe r wish to save, rather than purging my ENTIRE password cache as IE forces me to. Yes yes if I were truly paranoid I would never save any passwords on any site, but hell it's just so convenient. But I'm the only one who uses this machine, WinXP is itself password protected, and I have a master password for Mozilla as well so I think it's secure enough for my purposes.

One of the best Mozilla features is the pop up suppression. I've been using panicware's Pop Up Stopper with IE for months and was mostly satisfied with it, but I did get kind of tired of having to hold down a key when I *wanted* to open a second window. Pop Up Stopper works on the OS level, preventing a second instance of the application to load into memory. Moz's built-in popup suppression just disables browser spawning on automated events like onLoad, onUnload, onBlur, etc, the tactics used by the aforementioned invasive marketroids. So if I click on a link that is targeted to a new window, the window opens normally since it was the result of my action. Beautiful.

So the Mozilla web browser wins out over IE for its better privacy management, and is at least as good as IE in load time and page display. Add to that nifty developer features like the DOM inspector and JavaScript debugger, and it's overall a much more useful browser. Plus it looks nice (I'm using the Orbit skin currently, got tired of Skypilot's darkness).

But now for the even harder conversion: Email. Back in the day, I used Netscape mail in versions 3 and 4 on my old Mac. Then I switched to Eudora for various reasons I won't bother mentioning because they're irrelevant. But then I got a PC, and by this time was fed up with NS4 being so sucky since IE5 was out and had utterly blown it away. On my new PC, I didn't even bother installing NS4. Outlook Express was already there and did everything I needed, so I used it, and used it faithfully for about two years.

I switched to Outlook when I upgraded from Win2k to WinXP, and while it has bunches of useless bloat, I did quickly become attached to the integrated calendar. I get polite reminders when all my bills are due, and can jot down whatever other events and reminders I like. This was something other mail clients don't offer, not even Outlook Express. Sure there are other calendars, but then I have to run even more applications simultaneously and switch around between them, so screw that. I was satisfied with Outlook as my mail client for the time being.

Then came Mozilla 1.3 with the included Mozilla Mail client, now featuring integrated Bayesian spam filtering and I was intrigued. I don't get very much spam to my "real" email address, as I've managed to keep it fairly well guarded. However, I did make the mistake of using it in an online resume posting during my jobsearch about a year ago, and within a few weeks it had been harvested by a cartel of recruitment spammers operating under half a dozen domain names, hawking the same resume forwarding scam under a few different names. I'm pretty sure they're all the same company and none of them work worth a damn. And every time I blocked one domain, they spammed me from another. My address was also public and unmunged on my tiny design firm's site for a time, just long enough to get harvested by the likes of coolstats.com and numerous offshore development spammers trying to get me to outsource web work (hah, if only they knew that I have no work to outsource.) Even so, I only get maybe one spam a week. But given my increasing hostility to spammers, that is enough to fill me with rage each time I get one. I use Mailwasher as a spam filter and it does a good job, I'm very happy with it. But it's yet another application to run and another step in the simple task of checking email. So I was interested in a mail client with decent spam filtering built in.

But I didn't want to lose my calendar... then behold, a calendar integrated into Mozilla! It's been in beta for a while, but it was recently announced to be code-complete and ready for integration into future builds of Mozilla, and will be included in the 1.4 release whenever that happens to come. For now, it's available as an add-on and I've been tinkering with it for a couple days and it seems to do what I need it to do. So now I'm finally prepared to make the full conversion.

I have quite a large archive of mail over the past couple years, much of which can be deleted but some of it I want to save. Importing these few hundred messages into Mozilla Mail will be a pain, so I may simply sort through the ones I want to keep, import those, and archive the rest into an Outlook file. Meanwhile, I'm anxious to start teaching Mozilla's spam filters, and I even removed the blocked domains from my mail server just to get some fresh samples (got two from the formerly-blocked coolstats.com and one from the formerly-blocked recruitinghelper.com already.) Over the next few days or weeks, I intend to become fully Mozilla-dependent, and eschew the IE/Outlook/Mailwasher triumvirate that has served me well for so long.

I've been toying with the idea of including a journals module on my /.-wannabe geekery site, but have faced a few issues and concerns...

G.fc is running with PHP-Nuke, open-source CMS thing that I actually thought was pretty cool when I first got into it. I had to do extensive tweaking and hacking to get it just how I like it, mostly just correcting the author's wretched English in the lang files, but also commenting out some unwanted features and generally cleaning up the look of it. I'm running nuke 5.6 with the phpBB2 port and all has been well for the most part.

Now Nuke6.5 is out, and I've been thinking of upgrading. It has some new features, enhancements to old features, and some security/stability fixes. However, the Journals module sucks balls so even if I upgrade, I'm not going to use it. And after all my tweaking and hacking, it's gonna be a tedious pain in the ass to get the upgraded files back to how I like em.

So I've been browsing some of the Nuke sites out there, and I've discovered that PHP-Nuke isn't really "open source" at all... it's run entirely by one guy, who doesn't seem especially interested in letting others contribute to the core engine. Sure anyone can write blocks and modules and themes, but the backend nitty gritty guts of the thing is all controlled by the iron fist of Francisco Burzi. PHP-Nuke was a sourceforge project for a short time, but FB disbanded that because he wanted to maintain complete control. Now the 6.5 release has removed Slashdot from the built-in RSS feeds simply because they don't post PHP-Nuke stories. What a fucking baby.

A while back there was an angry thread about Lawmeme removing the PHP-Nuke copyright line from the site footer. FB and his gang of rabidly loyal nukers thought that was mean and dirty and lame and flamed Lawmeme's admins to that effect. Now sure, one should always give credit where credit is due, but it's not as if Lawmeme is attempting to hide the fact they run on Nuke, or to plagiarize the work of FB as if it were their own. They just didn't like that little copyright blurb at the bottom of every single page, and thus opted to remove it. Nuke 5+ also tacks a little copyright statement onto every module, and I'm sure FB would be annoyed when I comment that out.

He's also turning into a bit of a marketroid, releasing his software to paid subscribers 15 days before releasing it to the world, which goes against the entire concept of open-source free software. Then came the clencher: he put popunders on his site. I can stomach banners, I can even stomach paid subscriptions. He puts a lot of time and effort into what he does, he deserves some compensation. But popunders I simply cannot abide.

So. Basically I'm being a fucking baby too, and I'm planning an eventual conversion to postNuke, XOOPS, myPHPNuke or maybe even Scoop, simply because I don't like FB's attitude. I have begun investigating the feasability of making this conversion with no data loss, and I'm told postNuke includes conversion scripts to switch over from an existing PHP-Nuke database. I can cope with reworking my theme a bit, and I can even cope with retweaking individual pages/files again. However, I really like the way phpBB integrates into Nuke (thanks to Tom) so we'll see if I can keep the forums the same.

As for the journals module... I've decided I'm not gonna bother just yet, since G.fc hardly has any users currently, and the users it does have are mostly lame and infrequent anyway. I just kinda wanted to hop on the blogwagon and include my own blog into my pet project site.

Maybe I'll use my /. journal more often. Or, I'm also researching b2 as a php-based blog engine that I could put on my own subdomain portfolio site, if I can get it to use the same mySQL database... we shall see.