I promised that I was not going to post about sexuality issues on Slashdot. Since the way in which I was introduced to this board--responding on behalf of BoyChat--means that I've basically been outed as a pedophile since I got here, I imagine that even peeping about a sexuality issue would be like hanging a big "Flame Me Now" sign around my neck (not that staying focused on technical issues has entirely prevented the flames; I am kind of disappointed, however, that Slashdot trolls seem to be no more literate or original than BoyChat trolls).

Nonetheless, despite my promise, this is one I couldn't pass by. We have two first graders charged with first degree sodomy. First graders. That is, six- and seven-year-olds. First degree sodomy for acts committed in the school restroom. Before the flame patrol lights the pilots on those torches, answer one thing honestly: who didn't fool around once or twice with a friend at that age? It's not even sex, for cripes sake; it's a plumbing inspection.

From the article: "Kentucky State Police are investigating recent sexual activity between three second graders." I'm just trying to imagine how this went.

Detective: So what did you do in the bathroom?
Timmy: Well, Billy looked at my peepee... so I let him see mine.
Detective: Were you scared?
Timmy: Huh? Why would I be scared? It's just a peepee. Mine's bigger.
Detective: Well, when Billy forced you to look, did it frighten you?
Timmy: He didn't really force me... just said, "Hey, can I see?"
Detective: And was it really scary when he said, "Hey"?
Timmy: No, it was funny.
Detective: But he must have terrified you into showing your peepee.
Timmy: No, not really.
Detective: Boy, are you some kind of sissy?
Timmy: Huh?
Detective: You must be a sissy boy if you let another boy look at your peepee. Is that what you are? A faggot-ass sissy boy?
Timmy: [sobbing] No! I'm not a sissy!
Detective: [slams table] Only a gayboy sissy shows other boys his peepee! Did you want to show it to him?
Timmy: [confused] Well, I mean, we were just being silly...
Detective: [yelling] If you wanted him to see it, you're a girly boy! You're a homo faggot just like Billy says!
Timmy: Billy said that?
Detective: Yes, we're questioning him in the other room, and he's already told us all about how you like looking at all the peepees!
Timmy: That's not true! He started it!
Detective: [calmer] Oh, he started it? Now we're getting somewhere. How did he force you to show your peepee?
Timmy: Well, he said, "Hey, can I see?" And so I showed him.
Detective: Were you scared when he forced you?
Timmy: He didn't really--
Detective: [yelling] Either he forced you or you're a homo sissy boy! Now, which is it? Are you a homo sissy boy?
Timmy: [wailing] No!
Detective: Then he forced you, right?
Timmy: [sniffling] I guess...
Detective: Perfect, Timmy, you've been a very good boy. You can see your Mommy now.

Later, in the booking room...

Detective 1: Yep, I got little Timmy to admit the truth. That sex predator Billy forced him to commit sexual acts.
Detective 2: Really? That's strange, because I got Billy to admit the truth about Timmy. The mini-rapist forced him to commit sexual acts, too.
Detective 1: Huh? That's odd. They both forced each other? What could that mean?
Detective 2: Hm... you're right, it is strange.
Detective 1: It could only mean one thing.
Detective 2: [nods] We've busted an entire child rapist ring! Pint-size perverts terrorizing the entire school!
Detective 1: I smell a promotion!
Detective 2: I smell Dateline NBC!

Even later, at Timmy's house...

Mom: Timmy, I've never seen you so sad and traumatized! It's awful what that monster Billy did to you. Tomorrow, you start therapy.
Timmy: [trembling] I don't care what Billy did to me, but I'm going to have nightmares about Detective 1 for weeks...
Mom: Oh, that's called "projection." You're projecting your fears about Billy onto the nice detective.
Timmy: He yelled at me and called me awful names!
Mom: Billy did? How horrible!
Timmy: No, Mommy, the detective did!
Mom: Now, Timmy, he was just trying to protect you from that evil Billy.
Timmy: Billy's not evil. He's my friend. I didn't mind showing him my peepee, really.
Mom: [gasps] Are you saying you're a gay homosexual?
Timmy: No! No! I meant, gee, it's awful what that horrible Billy did to me and I want to start therapy right away, please!
Mom: Oh, Timmy, you're such a good son!

Back at the precint...

Detective 1: We've recieved information that a third boy may have been present at the peepee viewing ritual.
Detective 2: If we can demonstrate that he was the High Priest of Satan, we may have the lead we need to break this case wide open!

And meanwhile, at Billy's attorney's office...

Mom: But... you're seriously recommending we take a plea bargain for juvenile detention until he turns eighteen? Are you insane?
Attorney: Ma'am, if we don't accept the plea bargain, they'll certify him as an adult, and on these charges--aggravated rape, sexual assault of a minor, perversion in a public school, aggravated penis viewing, worshipping Satan and possessing illegal mp3s--he could go to prison for life.
Mom: Illegal mp3s?
Attorney: [shrugs] The cops found them when they were searching for all the child pornography on his computer.
Mom: But what jury would convict a second grader and send him to prison for life? Attorney: Are you kidding? Don't you read the papers, ma'am?
Mom: Well, yes... I guess you have a point...
Billy: Mommy, Mr. Attorney, sir, I heard from a friend that they're only gonna lock Timmy up for five years. Why longer for me?
Attorney: Because Timmy was only an Acolyte of Satan, whereas you were a Deacon of Hell.
Billy: [confused] Oh. And what about Bobby?
Mom: Bobby, that's the third boy they're charging, right?
Attorney: Right, ma'am. He's the High Priest of the Lord of Darkness, so I reckon they've already got him tied to a stake somewhere.
Billy: I'll take the plea bargain!

In the offices of the local rag...

Reporter: How about, "Child sex ring in local elementary school"?
Editor: No, that will make people suspect the teachers.
Reporter: Um, "Three boys charged with raping each other"?
Editor: You realize how absurd that sounds, right?
Reporter: Oh, yeah, good point. Um, "Second graders charged with rape"?
Editor: Hm... better, but do we have anything stronger than "rape"?
Reporter: We haven't used the word "sodomy" in a while.
Editor: Excellent! Print it: "Second graders face sodomy charges"! Now that's a headline.
Reporter: Are we going to mention the Satanic ritual aspect?
Editor: No, be realistic. Only cops and child advocates are dumb enough to believe second graders worship Satan. Stick to the facts: the three boys brutally raped and sodomized each other.
Reporter: Actually, sir, all they did was look at their peepees...
Editor: [mocking] All they did was look at their peepees... [shouts] Are you a gay homosexual sissy boy?

And finally, Timmy's bedtime prayer:

Timmy: [kneeling]
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should live until I wake,
I pray the Lord my dick to take.

This thing's more trouble than it's worth.
They should have cut it off at birth.
If someone else should want to look,
There are all the photos the policeman took.

And please bless Bobby, and keep him well
Until like Mommy says, he rots in hell.
And while you're at it, please bless Billy
(Who really has the cuter willy)

And God, please take away my fear
That I might be a gay-ass queer.
That's all the time I have to talk.
Tomorrow I'll chop off my cock.

Amen.

The End.

The issue I always enjoy the most is that of censorship and free speech. And I wanted to put up at least one journal entry just to see how it works. So, here's my topic: Underwear in Virginia. Effectively, it's a proposed statute making it a $50 fine for wearing your pants in such a way that your underwear is visible above them.

I suppose the Commonwealth of Virginia can make its laws as it chooses. Maybe the United States Supreme Court will agree with them; maybe it won't; maybe it'll never even get there. I'll let the Virginians decide that.

However, I do think that this law, if passed, should be applied fairly. If your underwear shows over your pants, $50. Gotcha. The boys have been informed. However, let's not forget: if you are a woman, and the shoulder of your blouse pulls down sufficiently so that your bra strap shows, that's $50. Fair is fair.

Now, if you are a woman and just happen to wearing an ill-advised combination of colors (for example, white shirt, red bra) so that I can see the shadow of your bra under your shirt, well, that's not as bad as seeing the actual bra. We'll say, $25.

On the other hand, if you are a plumber, chances are, your underwear will not be showing over your pants. Which is a damn shame, 'cause you're gonna be showing crack. I'd say Plumber's Butt is good for a clean $100.

And while we're on the subject of disrespectful clothing, any t-shirt with a message that refers to the person walking beside you (like, "I'm with stupid" or whatever that fad used to be) is actionable (after all, you never know who might inadvertantly stand beside you). $100.

Also disrespectful: if you are a woman, and your armpits are visible, you'd better be damn sure there's no stubble. I can't think of anything more disrepectful than showing me you didn't give enough of a damn to shave, and put on that sleeveless garb anyway. Violations? $50. Per pit.

Then again, maybe Del. Algie T. Howell knows what he's doing. Maybe the next step is a fine for wearing baseball caps backwards. Or wearing brightly colored shoes. Or maybe he just ought to cut the crap and start fining people for being younger than he is. (Or, perhaps, blacker than he is, but then he claims it's an equal opportunity insanity, and I'll take his word for it.)

I know this isn't exactly a Slashdot topic, but the FAQ said I could use my journal for anything. I wanna use it for free speech soapboxing. And what do baggy pants and visible boxers have to do with free speech?

Well, I'll leave that question hanging: what do baggy pants and visible boxers have to do with free speech?