lostdominatrix74: hi
JArtis1: yo
lostdominatrix74: that was a very loaded
question...what do you mean by would i do it over
JArtis1: If, knowing what you know now (at least in
relation to us), you were put in the same situations,
ie., time travel back, wuold you make the same
decisions and actions? As in, whether or not you're
completely fine with how things are going now, were
you at least happy with the way they've gone?
lostdominatrix74: i am happy with the way things
have gone and i am blessed to have you in my life
lostdominatrix74: but you are right about something
lostdominatrix74: i am not happy now...but it isnt
you
JArtis1: Well, nto my as in not something I did, I
can accept. I don't know if I'm not NIVOLVED in
it, but at the same time, I learned not to punish
myself for things like that...
lostdominatrix74: no baby...it isnt you
lostdominatrix74: you are only a small part of what
is wrong
lostdominatrix74: and it isnt you...it is the concept
of a boyfriend that doenst sit well with me
lostdominatrix74: i am not sure i am ready to date
anyone...
lostdominatrix74: it hurts
JArtis1: I understand
lostdominatrix74: but i dont want to break up
because you are one of the best and most
understanding person i know
JArtis1: Psst... Let me let you in on a little secret...
lostdominatrix74: but i want to break up because it
hurts to love someone again
lostdominatrix74: what?
JArtis1: I see dead people
JArtis1: No wait
JArtis1: wrong secret
lostdominatrix74: haha
lostdominatrix74: :-)
lostdominatrix74: what s the secret
JArtis1: Seriously, I do understand what you're
saying. Adn the secret (well, not really secret) is that
SINCE I'm so understanding and all, if that's what
you decide to do... I (believe it or not) can take care
of myself. It's YOU I worry about, not because I
think you can't, but I don't want to be in ANY way
responsible for keeping you from being happy.
JArtis1: So you just do what you want or need to. I
will understand.
lostdominatrix74: i know you will
lostdominatrix74: i just hurt so deep still
JArtis1: I know
lostdominatrix74: i thought i had gotten past a lot of
the shit, but being with someone brings a lot of it
back
JArtis1: I dig ya.
lostdominatrix74: and in some twisted way i want
lee back...and that is why some of it has to do with
you...you arent lee
JArtis1: So I've gathered... (sorry)
lostdominatrix74: me too
lostdominatrix74: five years is a long time to love
and share with someone to break up the way we did
lostdominatrix74: we shared everything and
everytime i get close to you i can feel that
overwhelming closeness he and i had
lostdominatrix74: and that hurts
JArtis1: I know. I just wish I could make you all
better. But, unfortunately, that's your place, not mine.
lostdominatrix74: i know
lostdominatrix74: you are so wonderful
lostdominatrix74: but i dont think this is right for me
now
lostdominatrix74: i love you
JArtis1: You too. You know that.
JArtis1: :-)
lostdominatrix74: but i dont think it is fair to do this
to you...it isnt too much to ask of a friend, but i am
asking too much of a boyfriend right now
JArtis1: Naw, you're not. It's more than fair.
Seriously. (hold on)
lostdominatrix74: k
JArtis1: Honestly, you have to try to see it from my
point of view. You thought that this was what you
wanted at that point in time. We came to an
agreement that we'd give it a shot. Now, you're not
sure about it. I think it's only fair - in fact, a good
idea - that first of all, you TELL me abotu it rather
than hiding it, and second of all, you decide
(possibly) to ACT on it, rather than letting it eat
away at you. I told you I would be supportive and
understanding no matter what you decided, and I
would be happy to continue to be supportive and
understanding no matter what you DO decide. That's
one of my responsibilities, as friend, boyfriend, OR
stranger.
JArtis1: (whew!)
lostdominatrix74: oh
JArtis1: oh?
lostdominatrix74: i am sorry...i was just trying to
deal with it, but i cant
JArtis1: It's okay.
lostdominatrix74: so do we go back to friends for
now
JArtis1: If that's what you want.
JArtis1: I would never want to rush or pressure you
into anything.
lostdominatrix74: i think it would be best...but i
honestly still want to be friends
lostdominatrix74: this is only a temporary step
back
lostdominatrix74: i dont want anyone else
JArtis1: Well, DUH... :-)
JArtis1: (sorry. Ego trippin'.)
lostdominatrix74: :-)
lostdominatrix74: that is k
lostdominatrix74: can i tell you a secret
JArtis1: Sure
lostdominatrix74: i feel so much better...i feel like a
great weight is lifted off of my shoulders because i
am no longer "playing" with you
JArtis1: I never thought you were - but if it makes
you feel better, I'm all 'bout it
lostdominatrix74: i wasnt playing with you in the
conventional sense, but i felt like i had your emotions
on a string
JArtis1: Not really. I knew you were emotionally
out-of-sorts, and all I knew to do was stick by you
the best I could, in the way you wanted.
JArtis1: But I learned long ago... I never, NEVER,
*NEVER* want you (or anyone) to feel that you
HAVE to love me.
JArtis1: I don't want to be an obligation or a chore.
lostdominatrix74: i dont have to love anyone
lostdominatrix74: :-)
lostdominatrix74: you arent
lostdominatrix74: i really enjoy you
lostdominatrix74: but i cant enjoy a boyfriend
JArtis1: Well, you know what I mean. If you felt
like you couldn't make that decision because it was
*UNFAIR TO ME*... That's the exact same thing.
No. That's not right.
JArtis1: y'nkow
lostdominatrix74: does that make sense all the thing
you have been doing that have gotten on my nerves
lately will stop doing so now that you are a friend
JArtis1: I doubt that.
JArtis1: I'm still pretty damn annoying when you get
right down to it.
lostdominatrix74: no..it was either lee did it or lee
didnt do it so nothing you did was right
JArtis1: Yeah, but I'm still a royal pain in the ass. I
smoke all of your cigarettes.
lostdominatrix74: that doesnt bother me
lostdominatrix74: you know it doesnt
JArtis1: Good. In that case...
JArtis1: well, no, nevermind
lostdominatrix74: i am as out as you are
JArtis1: I sorry
lostdominatrix74: me too
JArtis1: *shrug*
JArtis1: I'll figure something out. I always do.
lostdominatrix74: of course
lostdominatrix74: well there is something i did want
to talk to you about
lostdominatrix74: how much do you want for the
computer
lostdominatrix74: i get my income refund check
lostdominatrix74: soon
JArtis1: nuffin'.
lostdominatrix74: j
JArtis1: Yes?
lostdominatrix74: seriously
lostdominatrix74: i cant just take a computer
JArtis1: Nothing, seriously. Merry Xmas.
lostdominatrix74: thankyou baby
JArtis1: n/p
lostdominatrix74: i dont deserve you
JArtis1: Yes you do.
lostdominatrix74: no i dont
JArtis1: Okay, maybe you're a LITTLE nicer than
that... But you're still ALMOST wicked enough to
deserve a turd like me. ;-)
