Journal Journal: Good by Appendix
Sorry for my disapperance on the night of Sunday Feb 27. After starting my day with a mild pain in
my side and it growing worse as the day went on I eventually ended the day with vomiting and horrible pain
through the night along with not a wink of sleep. after a quick trip to class to inform the prof that i
was going to skip out on the exam and go seek medical attention (where i then found out the exam i had
spent all night in pain studying for was pushed to the next week anyways). After my breif apperence in
class i made my way down to the health center where, once they opened after weaiting 20 minutes, i was
given a taxi voucher to get to the hospital to get my appendix removed. A simple one day procedure.
Everything read in the following takes place in 2 center where i then spent the next 15 days recovering
from said one day procedure.
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Thursday March 10, 2005
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well it has been quite some time now since i have written anything and as I lie here i still don't even
know what i will be writting. I have been laying/sitting in this bed now for 11 days. 11 days of the same
over and over. Longest 'one day' procedure ever. I didn't even get my laptop until yesterday. I didn't
even want it really until then.
Why am i writing this.
Nothing in my mind right now.
Emptiness.
been here for so long with so long to think and just sit with my thoughts but still i just sit.
I have been staring at the walls and ceiling and chair. yes staring at the chair. ah the chair. you would
think after staring at a chair 11 days one could describe its beauty and amazingness in this insane world
we live in. but ya know what. its a fuckin chair. i wont even specify its material and colour because they
are irrelavent.
Fuckin\b\b\b\b\b\b Chair.
I miss my blood. asside from all emo-bs (e-mobs HA) and what not, they have taken 28 viles of blood from
me so far and its getting a bit tiresome. I have the track marks of a herion addict. I can't wait to get
stares from that. i say that sarcastically but at the same time i actually can't wait. cuase that will
mean i wont be here... in this room.... with the pink wall... the ceilling. and.. Chair.
"I keep trying to remind myself when jesus shuts a door he opens a window"
"ya so you have something to jump out of"
The windows in this room don't open.
I guess not everything should be negative though. I mean i have....a flower with a pipe-cleaner smile. A
balooon. and two boxes, yes TWO boxes of tissues. man i am in the tissue zone. well asside from organ
tissues which are good and fucked. But two boxes of quick wipe tissues... man thats sweet.
I would really like to thank everyone. The stupid pictures on my white board and the visits and phone
calls have really helped me. not so much physically but mentally i think i would have completely gone
insane quickly if it wasn't for it all.
I dunno much else to say.. but i had nothing to say in the first place. so i guess i just have less nothing now.
Mind you maybe if i use enough nothing that i will be all out of nothing and move on to actually having
something to say. Another day i suppose.
gnite.
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Friday March 11, 2005
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Another day and im still here and will continue to be here for at least the weekend apperently. I was
really hoping i could hit the two week mark here and it sounds like my dreams will be realized.
heh speaking of dreams those wont be happening tonight. I have a new roommate. my good friend K.S.G.
(knee surgery guy). Let me let you in on a little secret about ksg, he has quite the pair of lungs and he
uses them quite well in his sleep to snore loudly. o joyous occasion of now.
Ahh my roommates there is a topic.
first there was P.O.M. he was quite a nice fellow to which i don't think i spoke a word to. im still not
completely sure what he was in for but im not sure his outlook was overly good. I myself was still
recovering though while i had him as a roomate so our friendship didn't really have time to blossom before
he chaned rooms to a different floor. His guests were always quite pleasent though and I have seen them
around the hospital a couple times since so i guess thats good... or bad. Lets pretend good.
next there was S.W.A.N.H. another fairly nice guy unless his m.o-bride was in or he was talking to her on
the phone. it was quite impressive how fast he could go from sick and complaining about how he can't pee
to hitting on the nurses with his talk of how he can't pee to being happy and then yelling at his wife
randomly about his credit card being in the left side of the wallet. LEFT SIDE!!! L-E-F-T! Thank god for
the privacy curtain cuase thats funny shit. his conversations with guests were always interesting. well
not always but i felt like overexaturating for a bit. he seemed to be quite proud of his bowel problems
and bladder infection as he would tell all his guests about the issues at great lengths. He would even
continue to try to urinate while his visitors were there. "I just can't pee" he would say in his scotish
accent as he clutched the plastic urinal and hunched over it with his guests lookin on to experience his
pain with him. He never talked his hip but some people don't really like to talk about embarrasing issues
such as the hip replacement he received while in here for the bladder ifection and constant diereha. I
don't remember which day it is he left but i was without a roomated for at least a day, maybe two.
being without a roommate is kinda nice. not so much because i get privacy, or because i get quiet but
because the privacy curtain is retracted which means i actually get to see outside. sure its not much but
its a lovely glass cone of some sort that i get to stare at. and when you have been staring at a pink wall
for approxamitly 8 or 9 days a glass cone roof is very very interesting.
then another guy transfered into my room. i guess he broke his foot... or leg.. not actually sure. he was
transfered to the room around 11. complained about how hungry he was (keep in mind i haven't been allowed
to have solid food for over a week now), finally had food around 12:30. he had something on toast... some
sort of meat product more then likely although im really not sure. he seemed content with it and even
shared some with R.C.A.P.L.W.S.A.L, his wife. She also seemed nice but R.C.A.P.L.W.S.A.L. took approx 7
smoke breaks by the time they left around 2:30. It was almost impressive in a kill yourself kinda way.
once he was gone i had the room to myself again for a couple days. and now there is k.s.g. aka Larry.
seems like an ok guy and awake now which makes him even better as the snoring is gone. He is talking
french to his wife now. I think they are talking about me. but hey im talking about them right now so i
guess we are even..... Those pants make her look fat.
(they actually don't... i just wanted my revenge because im sure thats what they said about me... well im
sure they would have if i was currently wearing pants at least)
P.O.M poor old man.
S.W.A.N.H Scotsman with a new hip
R.C.A.P.L.W.S.A.L red coat and pants lady
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as more time passes my body just receives more and more holes. i was quite happy with the amount i first
had but o well. Im up to four IV's with two still actually in my arms (one in each). the one is now just
to be used a couple times a day when i need antibiotics. why they could just but this is my ass or
something i dunno i guess the hole in my arm is for my comfort. the other is for my nutrition which is
new. Its two bags for that.. a yellow one that kinda looks like a yellow freeze that hasn't actually been
frozen yet while the other is the apperence and consistancy of milk. It creeps me out to think that
something that colour is going directly into my veins. Its just not right. And to top it off of course i
also just received my nightly blood thinner needle.
so lets recap....
2 every morning * 12 days + the 6 i had to give in one night = 30 viles of blood
my original IV in my left hand for anti-bitotics and crap to keep me hydratated (taken out after 11 days
when it starting to leak), the IV that replaced it in my right hand (originally for the antibiotics and
hydration crap and iss now used for the milky nutrition and freeze treat fluids), the one in my left arm
put there earlier today for future use with antibiotics since the other one was now used for nutrition but
was botched when inserting, which takes us to number four which was just inserted in my left arm after the
removal of number three and now is for antibiotics as well. so ya in short IV's = 4.
Blood thinner needle 2 times a day since day 2 so thats 11 days which means 22 of those.
and the only thing that i cannot count is the number of times i received injections of morphine and/or
demerral so lets say for scientific sake that i got a dose of morphine when i first got the the hospital
(one needle in my left arm if i do remember correctly. no weird great feelings that i hear so much about)
and two more times that i remember that day. the next day i also had it about three times with a shot of
demerral at one point as well (ya that one goes into the ass, wonderful). the next couple days are a
complete blur but i do remmeber at one point after being put on tylenol 3 informing that they were to
either A) give my morphine now or B) but my appendix back in. I don't remember much but im fairly sure i
got my morphine. so for about four or five days of forgetfullness lets say there was about 4 needles each
for painkillers which makes another 20 needls.
so there is the 13 times i was poked from the 30 viles of blood. Plus 4 IV's. the 22 doses of blood
thinner and finally approx 20 needles for pain killers which brings us to a total of 59 holes.
ah yes add the three holes put in my stomache fot the operation as well (the least painful of all if that
makes any sense) so we now have a tally of 62. ya.. its growing a little tiresome by now. I have had about
enough of poke-Josh-with-shit. but really even that is nothing. I can take the needles. I barely feel them
asside from the brusing that has started to develop from it all. If one more peice of tape gets out on my
arm though i think I may just flip. As we all know im a fiarly hairly guy but they just keep going to
town. The tape barely even actually serves a purpose because it can't hold things down to my skin. it just
holds things down to my hair. and then removes the hair. and then sticks to another hair and proceeds to
remove that. and then the nurse sees that its not doing what it should be so that peice is just completely
removed along with the hairs it was currently having a good time with. only to then be replaced by another
peice of tape which only ends up doing the same thing. each nurse soon gives up when dealing with it and
simply remedies it by placing more tape on the arm half over the other tape and half on more hairs.
its now about 10pm and things around 2 center (my ward) are starting to get quiet. even my roomate appears
to be preparing to doze off as he just asked that his light could be turned out. which is nice cuase a persons
eyes only like so much florecent lighting and my eyes have taken a good amount of that in the past 12 days
as well since S.W.A.N.H would always fall asleep with his light on.
So now as i lay here. a tube in each arm. my stomache grumbling away which apperently is a good sign. the
privacy curtain awkwardly retracted allowing me to see most of Larry but more importantly the large window
i rarely get to see. for the part couple nights that i hadn't had a roomate the curtains had been drawn
during the day since the room gets to hot but they happen to be open tonight so for the first time in 12
days i get to see the night. A snowy March night at that. I don't get much beuaty here so i guess i will
have to be happy with what i have. The night. the only sources of light my laptop and... and the nurse
just walked in and turned all on the lights and starting ripping the velcro inturpting the song i would
have mentioned which was adding to the nice moment as well and that there is my stay folks. i had it for a
sec. i was calm. i was feeling good. things were ok. and so quickly it was all inturrupted and over with.
Sure the nurse has now left. the lights are back off and asside from Larry banging his bed tray about as
he tries to move it place things are mostly quiet again. but my calmness is no more. my stomache kinda
hurts again. the song changed to one that is good, but simply not the same. you all know that music moment
i speak of. once it passes and another song starts you just can't get it back.
Larry is asleep. The snoring just started again. I guess i dont have to worry about my typing keeping him
up.
the nurse just came once again this time for me. checking my blood sugar again. i completely forgot about
that. that has now happened twice which can be added to the tally to make the count now 64. Its getting
kinda personal now. The arms and legs are one things but these tests attack the fingers! heaven forbid i
can't type and conitue this...this....for lack of better words to describe it.... horrible horrible rant.
My appologizes for it all. I think im just going through withdrawl. 12 days of injections, and prodding,
and tests, and crappy food, and no food, and etc etc... and no Internet. I have not gone this long without
internet access since i first got the net about 10 years ago. So maybe thats it. maybe the needles are
great. the radioative apple juice doesn't taste like urine at all. the hair ripping from my skin actually
just tickles. and these tubes in my arms are tubes filled with milk, freeze, and joyous wonderful
everything. I just miss the Internet. I miss information. I miss the people, my friends.
I wish i could end this saying something along the lines of "well at least there is always hope of being
released" but there isn't. I don't even have that anymore as i have been told im here at the very least
for the weekend. which will bring me up to exactly 2 weeks and even then a release date is uncertain.
well.. what are ya gonna do though eh?
I suppose what i will do is try and get some sleep. his snoring is actualy kinda soothing.... really.. so
until the next time I feel the need to kill 40 minutes i bid you farewell and good morrow.
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Sunday March 13, 2005
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While saturday was full of the same old crap i have been getting today seems to hopefully bring good news.
i get to receive the honor of eating today apperently which means i may be one steep closer to leaving my
current home of 2 center. Only catch is that i have to keep it down. so yya my fingers are crossed and my
feet are cold. that last part is mildy unrelated but i figured i would add it anyways as this post was far
to positive.
since being here i have managed to think up some tips for anybody else who may one day need them (although
i wouldn't even wish the crap i have goen trough on my enemies but incase one does need them here they
are...)
1) be inquisitive. but not tooooooo inquisitive. Its always good to ask questions and find out whats going
on but for the love of god don't read the contents of them IV bags. no good can come from reading those.
The white liquid flowing into your veins is better left a mystery.
2) be vocal about everything leaving your body. nurses and doc's seem to absolutly love hearing about how
much gas your passing and how your bowel movements are. i think its the reason they entered the feild.
3) along with that one just leave your shame, privacy and sense of descency at the door because even if
you try and clutch on to them no other patient has. if you can't beat them then join them. but if you ask
them will give you another gown to put on backwards for when you are walking around. not only does it
cover your ass but if doubles as a cape when you attempt to jump offf the roof in your escape.
4) they may say your on 'full fluids' which is code for "this persons stomache is awesome enough to keep
down the cream of ____________ we made using no actual liquids or __________ at all. I think it is mixed
in the sssame container as the white IV bag... once again being inquisitive is not always a good thing.
5) watch yourself when you are sent for tests in another part of the hospital. you're wheelchair or bed
will always be pushed my an elderly volunteer who is more sick and broken then you are. be ready to be
veered into walls or other patients. this is normal though. just go with it and if anything actualy
happens it will just show up in the tests you wsill never know the results of anyways.
6) get yourself some of the green vomit/spit trays. they are awesome and have hundreds of uses.
7) find ways to entertain yourself. like count how many of your friends that come to visit you pick up
your plastic urinal and play around with it for a bit and then ask what it is.
8) number 8 actually comes from a doctor. if you know you are going to get an NG tube down your nose then
ask to go outside for a moment and toke up. its the worst experience one will have in the hospital but
apperently weed makes it a lot more tolerable. I however wasn't informed on the weed thing until after and
i got the joy of experiencing it sober.
9) shave your arms at the very least from the elbow down before going to the hospital.
10) when you are walking around the hospital aimlessly be sure you are always near an outlet. the machines
will run out of batteries and they will do it at a fairly quick speed. Any warning the machine may give
you to do with this will be about 20 seconds before your ultra-mega warning of some sort while uses a
louder more frequet beeping that helps to kill the battery quicker and inform all around you of your
escape attempt. Multiple times have i found myself and whoever may be with me at the time litterly running
down a hallway to get as far as possible before the warning starts again to get to the next "house
cleaning only" electrical socket, then having to wait another 10 minutes for it to charge long enough to
make the next sprint.
11) finally umm.. ya drink lots of water.. unless your not suppose to.. then don't. Then ice cubes become
your currency and anybody who tries to take those away from you should fear for their life.
Hope those help. i would conitnue but i think those pretty much cover everything and also im pretty sure i
have to go down for an x-ray or something soon. Well I assume its supposed to be happening shortly it was
suppose to happen around 9:30 and its 11 now so thats the normal amount of time things are delayed.
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Well it happened. I ate food. This lunch i was given some sort of ham and cheese sandwhich is it was
magical. i ate it and it stayed eaten. I don't feel sick at all from it o happy day. Hopefully that means
i get to go home tomorrow. why it doesn't mean i get to go home today i dunno but o well im still closer.
This umm, journey, is almost done and over with. ah how i want it over with.
no writing of mine would be complete without the addition of lyrics so here are some random ones that have
gotten me through the past couple weeks.
alls not well but im told it will be quite nice.............
some guy comes in looking like every one i ever seen
he was right he said no ones running this hole damn thing...
Its all nice.
-Styrofoam Boots/Its all nice, Modest Mouse.
I was in heaven i was in hell
beleive in neither but fear em as well
-Doin the cockroach, Modest Mouse
-anything by Streetlight Manifesto or Catch 22 or BOTAR
so tell me how long do you think you can go before you lose it all
before they call you up and watch you fall
i dunno but i like to think i have control.....
a moment of silce please for those who never get the chance
-a Moment of Silence, Streetlight Manifesto
This place is a prison
these people aren't your friends
i know there is a big world like the one i saw on the screen
in my liviing room late last night it was almost to bright to see
i know that its not a party if it happens every night
pretending there is glamor in candle opera when you are drinking my candle light
what does it take to get a drink in this place
what does it take, how long must i wait.
what does it take to get a drink in this place
what does it take, how long must i wait.
how long must i wait.
-This place is a prison, The Postal Service
smack my bitch up
-Smack my Bitch up, Prodigy
Of course there is more but most of the stuff i have been listening to is highly instrumental so the
lyrics simply do the songs no justice.
My odor is starting to get offensive as bathing myself in a sink really isn't the same so i appologize to
those who have visited me in the past couple days. Luckly the odor of other patients seems to mask my own.
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Note to self: do not do jumbles again. those things suck. i swear they make up words.
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That was the best and worst roast beef i have ever had.
Another meal staying down
Im Tired.
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Monday March 14, 2005
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Today has just been hell. All i have wanted to do since i woke up is leave. Im done. its that simple im
just done. I feel fine, im eating, everthing is working great. I just want to leave. but instead i sat
around and waited and waited. Its now 6:13pm and the doctor hasn't even come to see me. 3 hours ago i was
told that i had to get four hours of some other liquid into my veins. apperently this is good and i will
be out 'soon'
I feel bad cuase i have started snapping on people. everybody here has been really nice but i don't care
anymore. i dont' need kindness i need the outside world.
K.R.L. has been complaining all day about being drowsy and crap as if i could do something about it. then
he complains about the sound my bed makes as if i could do something about that as well. Then he complains
about the nurses. Then he watches Days of our Lives and turns it up.
This place is now doing the opposite for my health. im getting stressed and bruised and my muscles are all
just gone. Im getting sicker with each day i stay. I need out. Where the fuck is that doctor. The only day
he hasn't come to see me bright and early in the day and its the day i should be leaving. My father showed
up around lunch hoping to take me home and had they decided to put me on this crap that takes four hours
in the morning then maybe i could have. but instead the doctor disapeared and only when he was paged at
3pm did he give the breif instruction to put me on this crap. So now my father had to go all the way back
home for the dog and may have to make the trip again this evening to pick me up. christ what a pain in the
ass.
Sorry, as i said, im snapping on everybody now.
30 minutes to go now and then the four hours is up... then i have to wait for the doctor to show up. its
been a long day and the night looks as if it will be no different.
This roll of tape is so fucking interesting.
I swear to god i thought the pain was gas at first. two weeks later i have no eyes and im eating bacon
through my arm. who would have known.
Everything happens for a reason though right? of course it does. however i think im done writing. for no
reason really.
Once again a big thanks to everyone. all your support has been awesome. My sanity thanks you aswell.
gnite. farewell. etc.
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All spelling and grammarical errors have been due to the White Liquid in the IV. Honestly. It says so on
the bag.
