Comment Breaking a postive feedback loop between V & B (Score 1) 706
Izzy Kalman's approach is more complex than "blame the victim". In most cases, "bullying" emerges from an interaction of "bully" and "victim" (generally in the context of some community). In practice, "victims" have the most at stake in changing the situation and also are most able to intervene for themselves. While it is great to create caring communities where people respect each other in all ways, in practice humans have a certain back and forth of joking with and about each other and so on. Conventional anti-bullying campaigns run the risk of destroying communities and relationships out of some theory of how to fix them. They can actually make the problem worse (like encouraging tattling, where accusing someone of bullying can become a new form of bullying, etc.). According to the testimonials on his site, Izzy Kalman's approach works in practice, when most zero-tolerance and also tattle-promoting strategies don't work well. His approach works by breaking the feedback loop between bully and victim by the victim not responding in ways that gives the bully encouragement to continue. There are exceptions to this; Izzy Kalman suggests a few where his strategy does not work like where the bully is very emotionally unstable and violent, and then yes, you would need to bring in higher authorities including potentially law enforcement. But in general, Izzy points out that getting picked on now and then is part of community life; the issue is whether that escalates into bullying, and that mostly is under the "victim's" control -- as much as that might not sound "fair" in some ways.
Where I might fault Izzy Kalman is not talking about how poor nutrition from junk food (lack of omega 3s, artificial colors and flavors, lack of phytonutrients, lack of vitamin D, etc.) may be leading to more violence and other anti-social behavior in our society. Also, the spread of computers, while not necessarily causing violence directly itself, takes away from time spent learning to interact with other human beings. And there are probably other similar factors as well (economic stress, failing communities, two-wage-earner families or single parents, etc.). I'm also all for teaching emotion coaching and conflict resolution and all sorts of other things that some anti-bullying efforts due. Also, I'm all for alternatives to compulsory schooling, where conventional schooling forces random children to spend all day with each other whether they want to or not (so children can't avoid conflicts that are escalating). But, as much as one can make people saying intentionally hurtful things less frequent, I feel Izzy is on to something in breaking the positive feedback cycle where negative comments spin out of control as the victim responds in ways that encourage the bully to keep going.
Here is one example testimonial:
http://bullies2buddies.com/evidence-testimonials/does-bullies-to-buddies-work/
""Bullies to Buddies is the most effective anti-bullying program I have encountered in my 14 years as a school counselor. It gives victims the tools and strategies necessary to handle difficult situations, thus increasing their self esteem. Parents are thrilled and some of them are practicing the skills with their children. The teachers and aides feel relieved that they no long need to handle every tiny little tattle or situation. This saves an enormous amount of time in the classroom and children find that they have more time to play. The teachers not only used the strategies of Bullies to Buddiesâ in their classroom but also with their husbands, children and exes." -- Vickie Kolb, School Counselor, Brandon Valley School District, Brandon, South Dakota"
In the case for the original article, maybe if the "victim" had learned these skills of managing these situations, then things would not have escalated to the point where the "victim" was pretending to kill people using a phone? Maybe the bullying would have never got that bad if the victim did not take part in the escalation? This sort of thing rarely comes out of the blue -- usually it is part of a long standing pattern of many, many interactions as an escalating cycle. Sometimes, when those cycles escalate enough, then serious physical violence happens initiated by bully or victim. But extreme physical violence rarely just comes out of the blue.
So the question is, how best to break that cycle? The victim is generally most motivated to change. Also, it is in the nature of human banter than whether a comment (such as "You're a pig") is funny to all and a means of bonding, or a chance for self-reflection and personal growth, or taken as a deadly hurtful insult leading to all-out to-the-death violence is a matter of context and history. As Izzy points out, "teasing" can be fun for many people. And people who know each other well and have good relationships may tease each other all the time. It is hard for anyone to judge from outside the situation what went on if they were not there (and even then it can be hard without the full history). By taking teachers out of the role of judges, and more as the role of educators and coaches, Izzy Kalman's approach also aligns with the fundamental idea of "education".
Again, Izzy Kalman's approach does not work for everything, as he says. He also says that people have to be willing to tolerate some low level of hurtful comments -- including in the interests of "freedom of speech". But for 95%+ of bullying situations not involving damaging physical violence, his approach seems to work very well according to testimonials. Still, it would be good to see more scientific studies done on this to come to more definitive conclusions.
One more testimonial about the power and simplicity of this technique:
""A child was sent to me who had been teased by a whole group of children as a result of an incident at recess. I took him through the steps that I learned from Bullies to Buddies and within 15 minutes this child was able to go back to class and continue learning. The teacher was amazed at the transformation. I was able to teach the whole class the technique, which resulted in more time on task and more learning. The students got along better and the learning environment became more pleasant and enjoyable for everyone. Izzy is a master of making this learning fun and easy to teach." -- Malda Burns, Rockdale Elementary School Counselor, Rockdale, Texas"
