Since he's already endorsed Clinton, Trump, and Johnson, I look forward to Scott Adams' inevitable endorsement of Jill Stein. One of the most important things about being a "Master Persuader" is saying enough conflicting bullshit that you can point back to the time you got it right!
-------
Pay no attention to the man behind the comic strip ...

I dunno man, herpes seems a lot sadder than a lonely fap every now and again ...
-------
Russian State Watchdog to Citizens: "We invented vodka for a reason. Go outside and get laid!"

I usually have this thought whenever I think about my cell phone plan, but man, I'm really glad I don't have T-Mobile!
-------------
"We believe carrier pigeons could vastly boost the speed and reliability of our network." -- T-Moblie

Apple is releasing a new product with little to no changes compared to the previous model, and yet still expects people to shell out hundreds of dollars for the new version? Sounds like they've finally figured out their customer base! Steve Jobs would be so proud ...

I'll wait to reserve my autonomous car until it can give someone the finger, though ...

And 20 GB of that will be from ads!

Considering how he now has to lay off his entire campaign staff, picking Carly Fiorina as his running mate looks more and more like a brilliant decision!

This code is so poorly documented that Donald Trump wants to send it back to Mexico!

The government doesn't care about following the law when it comes to "national security." They'll ignore this law just like they've ignored all the other laws protecting our privacy. And even if they lose this court case, it's almost guaranteed that Congress will pass some "temporary" provision in a random, unrelated bill that makes what they are trying to do now "legal."

--------
I long to live in a country where I don't have to put those words in quotes.

Are these ads promoting John McAfee's presidential campaign by any chance?

Who better to break into a system that's nearly impossible to get into than the man responsible for software that's nearly impossible to get rid of?
--
What happens when an unstoppable force meets an irremovable object?

Question 1: Are you physically fit?
Question 2: Are you an expert in your field?
Question 3: Do you like potatoes?

---
That's one small potato for (a) man ...

I just watched my "Friends Day" video, and I'm now confused as to whether I have a social media account or a stalker.

Are you looking to get into the fast-paced, exciting world of experimental particle physics? Then CERN might be looking for you! We are currently in the process of hiring an unpaid intern to help us perform maintenance on the Large Hadron Collider (yes, you read that right--THE Large Hadron Collider!)

Pay: This is an unpaid position, but the experience you gain will look great on your resume!

Hours: Don't Ask.

Required Qualifications: At least 10 years experience working with high energy supercolliders, 15 years experience with networking enterprise-level systems, and a minimum of a Master's Degree in Theoretical Physics (student experience will be considered)

Position: Entry-level.

Hopefully this means that the next Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie is going to bring back the 80s-style turtle suits instead of using CGI ...