I've been reading back on some of these journals I've written and realised how much of a fool I've been so far in my life. It's not hard to see where I've fucked up, dropped the ball or just plain not followed through.

Oh the fuck well. Don't care. Next?

Co-op at ** is done. Not going to be saving boobies anymore unless they realise that dangling a job in front of someone and then yanking it away is not a good way of keeping employees and definitely not a good way to grow organic talent. If they offer an engineering position, either straight out or after a year, I'll take it, otherwise, I'm out.

The girl from a few entries back, Jealousy Inc, got married last month. I wonder how she is doing. Her new husband is an idiot. I wonder if she'll ever realise that. She's not the brightest bulb in the box either, marrying someone with a kid, expecting their lives to be completely normal with the kids biological mother still with 50% custody(I think) .. I feel sorry for her, for her family, for the pain that they are going to go through within the next few years. It's sad, really.

I can't conceptualise how I dragged my own shit out for 4 fucking years with the ex. That was .. stupid, brutal and really just .. bad for my brain, and the brains of most of my friends who got tired of hearing about it. Long done and over.

Spent a lot of time in late 05 and early 06 partying my face off. Should have done that in 98 and 99. I guess I'm just a little behind the curve. I've gained quite a tolerance for alcohol, too. Gone are my days of being the one beer queer, unless I'm going for championship drunk on an empty stomach.

Where the hell have I been?

Got a co-op at ** in Niskayuna, NY. Making Digital X-Ray Panels last March. Will be leaving here in September. Going back for the final stint on campus at the RIoT in December.

Pretty much engaged.

Tired of fucking republican thieves and democrat pussies.

My poor, poor, neglected journal. How I've abused you so! I am guilty of the most heinous of offenses and now must face the most grave of punishments.

Or something like that. :-P

Soon I'll have a writeup about Shana and Matt's wedding, along with some details about what's been going on this summer.

In the meantime, random entertainment in my world:

Totally out-of-your-league girlfriends that get into MIT.
People that only know how to communicate using typed text.
I'll keep those goats.
Where's Bubbe? SHIT! SHIT!

I have a buddy back at school who is getting a kidney transplant next week. I asked a mutual friend for some crashspace so I could head up and wish him well, and give a general visit to my peeps in Rachacha. My friend whose place I was going to crash at said they'd have to check with their parents. Cool by me.

I got an IM today saying that their parents had said no, which I can fully respect, if that's what's really going on. I might have been reading a little too much into it, but I don't think so. (Yes, I'm cocky with my alien powers =P ) ...Along with it was the addage that the significant other didn't like the idea at all.

Jealousy sucks, and it's a shitty way to live a life. Be it manipulating others, or living in fear of manipulation. It's shitty. You can do better. I've dealt with my fair share of jealous cocksuckers before. They're all the same, and they all lead to misery down the road.

If you can't live your own life and choose to have friends of the opposite sex, there's something very wrong.

I don't know what to lament.

Jeff thinks we should do a study in online lamentation. I'll see what I can do.

I have spent five years at college and not gotten a degree yet. SO my fault.
I have so far spent over $120,000 on school. My fault.
I am going to be indebted to my parents until I am 35. Oh Yeah. My Fault.

I have no job. My fault.
I have no money. My fault.
I can't mod my computer precisely the way I want to, because I don't have the money. Again, my fault.
My car door is broken. Directly and positively my fault.
My car is internally unkempt. My fault.

My room is full of books. Not my fault.
My house is full of antequated old packratted shit. Not entirely my fault.

Should I make a section where I can name blame? Nah, that's just not nice.

So. Shittiness seemingly abounds. *Twirls finger*

Life is not about the shitty. Life is about the good, and by my last breath will I strive to find the good in every situation and downfall.

I finally used my gift certificate on Amazon for LOTR FOTR Super Extendo Platinum Monkeys Edition. I'm really looking forward to watchy watching that. I'm easily amused. I found myself listening to the TTT soundtrack today, and I need to not be doing that alone :-/ It's sorta depressing. At least it's good music, which brings out emotion, and is vibrant and very telling. Goodness.

I found myself with a little consulting gig for a bit here. First client was a little bomb-like, but that's okay. Things didn't bode well for his hardware, as the person who constructed the machine used shitty parts which fell apart once operated on. Oh well. New hardware now for him, and it's rockin his sox.

I'm amused by people who define their existence through suffering, be it by knowing nothing but, or by cross-referencing randomly to it in order to determine their quality of life. It's fucking pointless. Live each day to its fullest. If you don't, you're missing out; living is fucking wonderful.

Jon's buying one of our monitors in the basement, so that'll be good to rid the joint of some more junk. I need a real screen, damnit. I REALLY want a Samgsung 191T, but I can't afford it, and frankly I'd be castrated by more then one person if I did. Oh well.

And as I sit here in my towel I realize - I need to dry my clothes and get gone in less than 51 minutes.

Shit.

Home. Safe. Alive.

GPA was a 2.0 for the quarter. Suck. I know, but I can't fix the past. Only the future lies ahead and frankly, it's gotta be better than the past.

Lacking a Monitor and a quality TV connection so my ER recording has gone on hold. For all of you know know of my penchant, donations can be made to me at the NH address. :P

Sitting around waiting for my sister to come home so I can go grab some chow. The Joy.

More substance later.

Well, that does it. I have been insulted beyond all moral and physical capability. Beth called me a dweeb. Everyone pack up and head to the moon. The shit's hit the fan. We're all done here.

I tried to keep this thing updated with reasonable current entries, but I've been so damned busy lately I can't. Now is no exception. I should be studying for Engineering Math, but I'm taking a few minutes out to update the the slashblog.

Took my Electronics final yesterday. If I don't get an A, I will be shocked. The exam was simple, walk-thru and happy. He even gave us bonus questions to fix up our earlier exams. Hopefully the high exam scores will erase the shitty lab grade. Here's hoping.

Thursday I have my Engineering Math final. I'm pretty confident I'll pass the class. I don't like Math, and thank God this is my last actual Math course.

I can't wait to go home and see the Matrix Reloaded (The Second). I've heard.. not enough! People are not telling me anything, and it makes me cranky. Well, not really, since it is going to be the best movie since The First, and I want no spoilers. I'll probably end up going as Agent Moo, since I have no black leather nor trench coat. But I do have a "secksi" black suit. :-P
Mmm. Trinity. :-D

Now over 0.5TB on the desk. And it's full.
I have a lot of work to do this summer.

I think that should be a new website.

www.bomb-riaa.com

Who's with me. This will probably get me arrested under one of the charming new Patriot Acts, but I could give less than a shit. For those of you who have watched Deep Space Nine, equate the RIAA and MPAA to the Dominion and the Cardassians. True, real, dangerous evil in our midst. This is not a polite suggestion. This is the way you must take your freedoms, because corporations and conglomerates are trying to steal your right to not only to free thought, but to free expression. They MUST be stopped.

This country is owned by the giant corporations that "entertain" the populus. Control is a better word.

Fuck RIAA and MPAA. I'll pirate until they remove my ability to use a computer. They own nothing.

LPR 2.0 is ready for the rack. Smells like some _very_ high quality stuff. I'll rack her tomorrow afternoon, after lunch with Shawn. Mmm dead fish from Lake Ontario. Am I scared? Yup. :-P

Exam of Doom last friday was just that, Doom. At least I'm doing well in Electronix and Writing and Lit. I must admit i have issues with my professor. He's too much of a conspiracy theorist and annoyingly prejudiced, seemingly, against whites. It's an odd dynamic. Anyway.

Off to jump in the shower, and then off for pizza, alcohol and ER.

Finally, I've started LPR 2.0. It should be ready around the beginning of May. Coicidence? I think not :-P I spent an hour and a half cleaning the carboy, and then another two hours running around fetching bits. Hopefully people will enjoy this round of fine Homebrewed Alcoholic Doom. :-0

I have an exam of doom on Friday. I'll be studying most of the week, and then heading home for Passover. Stopping over to see my squizzles, of course. More substantive updates when time allows!!!

IO

What ever happened to people telling the truth? I've noticed that about too many people I call my friends. They can't stand to tell me the truth. The ones who have are the ones I love, and you know who you are. Even after all the pain, I know the truth, and I know where I stand, and I respect you for telling me.

I'm sick and tired of being appeased. If you need to rip my guts out and stomp on them, do it. Don't leave me dragging along for weeks or months at a time. Throw me a line, throw me a knife, throw me something. Don't leave me to discover the truth through my own digging or through ambiguous musings to make yourself feel better. There's no reason to even be talking at that point.

I live my life the best way I know how. I tell the truth. I fuck up, sure, but I'll admit to it. Am I letting myself be blinded? Radiating some sort of "lie-to-me" field? Asking to be shit on? I have no idea. But, I do know the buck stops here.

War and Love.
(Peace, for all you hippies, is never coming. Get used to it.)

I can't even tell what I'm spinning towards anymore. I only know what I am not spinning towards. Lies, deceit, trickery, manipulation, games. These things I want not.

The world outside passes by at odd angles, flying, steaming, smoking, burning. I sit, a trapped observer inside a shell. Unable to move, see, taste, touch or feel. Colors fly by and all I can see are the hues of an ice cream sky, as I call it. Such a relaxing pallette of colors. I want to wrap myself in the beauty and calm of the colors I see flittering about. A smile and a pair of bright eyes emerge from the calming storm of azure, coral, violet and grey.

I wake up, grasping for someone not there and find myself in familiar confines, staring at a particle board floor underlayment which makes up the bottom of my roomate's bunk.

That was my dream last night.

What lies ahead, I have no way of knowing.. But that's the fun in life. You never know exactly how things will ever turn out. You can hope, and you can pray, and you can try to make things happen, but in the end it's a draw. You win some, and you lose a whole lot more. Be glad if you get out alive. Because life itself is such a huge gift.

I love the way that all the plans we make can be shattered with one little event. Utterly annihilated by mere chance, and neither planning nor preparation nor worrying can ever keep them together. Fate has amazing power, and I respect it now, for the pain, for the joy, for the love, for the tears, and for the truth is has given me all these years without my realizing it. I should try to listen to fate more often. Is there something bigger behind fate? I think so. Sometimes, there just has to be.

I have now finally stopped wasting time on dishonest and manipulative people. No need for them in my life. What a long strange road trip it's been. Glad I found the right exit off that thruway of pain and deceit. It came in such an odd form, too; and email from a friend. How the cookie crumbles from a few nanocoulombs over a little copper wire. Little negative charges of electricity, which is really what makes our brains work, finally made _my_ brain work. It's been a long time coming. And how wonderfully "Going Under" matches this mood... Though Amy Lee's voice is making me bothered O:-)

I went to see Anne last night at MooNH, went to the Portsmouth Brewery, and got a little tipsy. It was really nice to see Anne. She's as stressed as anyone right now. She'll be joining Jon and I to see Flogging Molly down in Hartford on Friday.

And as the mighty alcohol wore off, I realized I was being very goofy. As Rob and Kate will testify, I CAN'T type after I've been drinking, even hours later, well, at least not on teh pimptop :p

Rob is some fucking funny shit. He is one of the goofiest bastards I have ever met. I'm glad he's around. He and I laughed it up over a bovious typo for a good ten minutes. Here's to Rob, and a little 'E' for old-skoo funk.

This weekend's looking to be a load of fun! FM Friday, then Bad Taste and Kate's meet at Tufts on Saturday, then the trip back to Rizzachester! And maybe FM again sunday night in Buffalo. We'll see!

Snow sucks. Ice sucks. Winter... SUCKS...

Go get the new Evanescence CD. NOW. Its name is "Fallen" and holy bovine does it rock.

Peace and Love.