Journal Journal: Crazy cows? Flu birds? Time to enter the vegan 1
Time for what?
To become a vegetarian.
Why?
Mad cow disease.
Wait. It isn't as bad as it sounds. Even in Britain, where more than 1 million animals may have been infected with bovine spongiform encephalopathy, compared with only one animal confirmed in the United States, the odds of eating infected beef and possibly contracting a variant of Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease are less than 1 in 10 billion, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
You said a mouthful. But not in my mouth. And then there's the big outbreak of bird flu.
Yes. KFC said last week it is switching to fishburgers in Vietnam.
So vegetarian it is.
All right. To start with, what kind of vegetarian do you want to be?
The kind that doesn't get mad cow disease or bird flu.
Which means you might eat fish. That would make you a pesca-vegetarian.
I forgot to mention fish. Mercury in tuna. Cadmium in shrimp. Vibrio vulnificus in oysters. A new study says the levels of polychlorinated biphenyls in salmon can be risky -- and that's according to the Centers for Disease Control and the Environmental Protection Agency.
But the Food and Drug Administration says the levels are acceptable, as does Britain's Food Standards Agency.
See what I mean? Do we believe the EPA and the CDC or the FDA and the FSA about PCBs?
You have a point. So you're not going to eat meat, poultry or fish, but you don't have a problem with other animal products, such as dairy and eggs. That would make you a lacto-ovo vegetarian.
Then again, 95 percent of eggs contain at least some salmonella, according to one study.
That would make you a lacto-vegetarian.
I don't like hyphens. Let's just stay clear of anything that has to do with animals.
Then you are a vegan. It is pronounced VEE-gun, not VEH-jun. You live lightly on the Earth. You do not consume meat, poultry, fish, dairy, eggs or even honey.
OK. I'm a vegan. So how many of me are there?
According to Zogby and Roper surveys, your numbers have doubled in the last 10 years, especially with the mad cow and other scares.
Impressive.
About 2.5 percent of Americans are vegetarian. About a third of those are vegan.
Not quite as impressive.
These surveys have a margin of sampling error of plus or minus 3.3 percent.
Wait. So I could be nonexistent statistically. I could be less than nonexistent.
Modern polling methods raise many philosophical questions. But you do have some company. There is a vegan running for president. You have seen him at the debates.
Let me guess. Dennis Kucinich.
And his campaign manager is a transformational kinesiologist, but that is another story. He says it all began when he was dating a vegan eight years ago.
Love makes us do many things.
He says being a vegan has given him "remarkable amounts of energy and clarity."
Wasn't he the one who held up a chart during a radio debate? So, anyway, I'm a vegan. What do I do?
Go to the supermarket and look at all the hundreds of products, beyond meat and poultry and fish, that you may no longer eat. This includes almost everything you see in the bakery section, for example, because your life is now butterless and eggless.
Hmm.
You will learn to read fine print. You will be amazed at how many products contain eggs or dairy -- not to mention honey.
Hmm.
And you will learn to love soy.
I read that Illinois is the leading soybean-producing state, having pulled ahead of Iowa last year. Then again, I always wondered what it is we do with soybeans.
Much of it goes into tofu, which is an excellent source of protein and has no taste, although it does seem to have an aftertaste. It can be cooked in many ways, none of which have any taste, although sauces help.
Hmm.
You seem to be faltering. Think of it this way. Think how it might have turned out if Hannibal Lecter had stuck to the fava beans and the Chianti.
I suppose I'll miss the taste of a good burger.
You can make vegan burgers with mashed firm tofu and spices. Or you can buy them from the supermarket freezer, made from textured soy isolate and wheat gluten.
And they taste like. . .
And there are soy hot dogs and soy ribs and soy chicken cutlets and soy cheese and soy milk. . .
And they taste like. . .
Sauces help.
I've been a vegan for five minutes now. Is that long enough?
You will want to meet with other vegans. As it happens, next Saturday is International Vegan Meetup Day, during which you can meet up with other vegans where you live. The details are at http://vegan.meetup.com.
Peer support is helpful.
When you weaken, think of the people, at this very moment, eating fried brain sandwiches. Think of people eating haggis.
Haggis?
The minced heart, lungs and liver of a sheep or calf mixed with suet, onions, oatmeal and seasonings and boiled in the stomach of the slaughtered animal.
Thank you. You are helping.
Then there is the dirty little secret vegans have, along with their fruits and vegetables and textured soy isolate. The secret is junk food.
Junk food?
All the peanuts you want. Popcorn with lots of salt and fake butter, which you're already used to if you go to the movie theaters. All kinds of potato chips. Cotton candy. As much soda as you can swallow. And have a beer.
Hmm.
And vegan brownies and vegan chocolate chip cookies and vegan cocoa mousse cake from the specialty bakery actually taste good, if you don't mind paying 99 cents for a cookie.
I was wondering about what to do for Super Bowl XXXVIII.
So you're set.
Except for one thing.
What else can there be?
It will be hard for me to explain to people.
Explain what?
How I came to be a fat vegan.
