Journal Interrobang's Journal: Seducing Geeks
Pursuant to EnlightenmentFan's ongoing journal discussion about cultivating social skills, I feel like adding my own $0.02. Of course, what everyone is likely most concerned about is, not to put too fine a point on it, getting laid. And that's ok. I'm all for that.
As to the matter of seducing geeks, I think I can speak to the point, because I've done it. A lot. Well, maybe only as "a lot" as a geek might expect, but I think I qualify as "knowledgeable," if not (surely not) "expert." I've also been on both sides of that equation: I've seduced geeks and been seduced by them. (Kinda fun, that, I wot.) In any case, it's a little bit like nailing Jello to a tree, and I don't mean crucifying punks.
The Preparation: Most geeks have trouble in the social skills and acculturation departments. That's a given. However, there are a few ways around such lacks, which I've sort of been over in my comment, viz that in order to develop functioning social skills, you need to first of all, start healing from the bad childhood/bad highschool/abusive family/spouse/whatever that, like as not, turned you into a reclusive wallflower who makes friends more easily with computers than other people. (Other people can be hostile, we know that.)
Developing your own sartorial style always helps, even if it only helps you attract other geeks, or other total eccentrics. Clothing is an important social indicator, and it's also what a lot of people use to tell whether you are one of their in-group, or their out-group. (Interestingly enough, this article [please read past the title!] describes in some detail the process of how some members of society learn the social behaviours and mores that allow their 'survival' in the culture -- a fascinating read, and important in this context for its abstract, if not concrete, applications, regardless of where on that spectrum you might fall.)
You might consider joining a social club or something similar. Like science fiction, fantasy, horror, or anime? Each of those genres hosts conventions (some, I'm sure in your local area!) just crammed full of other geeks looking to meep about anything and everything, looking to get together and have a party, and (wonder of wonders) even (gasp!) get laid. (Secret Interrobang Hint: Cons are a great place to get laid, and/or meet prospective SOs.* Lots of people go to cons specifically to cruise.) Best of all, I practically guarantee that most con attendees are just...like...you!
Like historical stuff? The SCA has a group near you, if you like medieval stuff; Markland does about the same thing, only with more balls-to-the-wall (and bucks for your bang) accuracy, and only on the US East Coast. There's also War of 1812-14 reenacting, US Civil War reenactments, US Revolutionary War reenactments, and lots of similar other things, from Pioneer Villages (all of which probably want for volunteers -- including techie volunteers!) to historic sites. (Speaking from experience, you can't swing a dead Microsoft mouse at an SCA event without hitting a geek, and other historical reenactors are similar.)
Even if that's too much of a stretch, you could try looking up your local LUG, a 2600 meeting, or even a computer club.
The secret is to get involved in something that'll bring you in contact with people who have at least one common interest with you; a very different proposition than walking into a room full of utter strangers. At least if you're at a con, an SCA meeting, or a LUG meeting, you know that you can talk about SF, or medieval stuff, or Linux, for example. It's a handy, fail-safe fallback position, and I heartily recommend it. (These types of organizations, after all, are by geeks, for geeks, and used by geeks to help find each other. Hey, it's worked for me!^)
The Introduction, or Cutting To The Chase: Here's where it gets a little trickier, but remember that there are a lot of folks out there who have also "dispensed with the formalities," in a lot of ways. Some of you may still be hung up on the idea of finding yourself a non-geek mate. In the SF/SCA biz, we refer to these unenlightened and utterly ordinary souls as "mundanes." Two words: Bad idea. Mixed relationships usually don't work, no matter how hard you try. Your non-geek SO will never understand why you like to spend so much time communing with the computer, and you will never understand why your NGSO likes to spend so much time watching asinine tv shows, or whatever it is. In any case, as I said in my comment, that geeky-looking guy or gal has probably been shooting you glances all night anyway; go talk to him/her instead. (That said, don't chase the mundanes, and don't chase the pretty ones, either. Developing an alternate sense of aesthetics [to the one pushed by your culture] is also a good idea for the lonely geek. You might, for instance, develop a taste for zoftig females or skinny males. [Hint: Everybody and their brother wants to date Asian women, therefore they have a lot of market currency, therefore your odds ain't good...])
But to the point. Non-mundanes often are non-mundanes, that is to say, geeks, usually, because they've decided that they don't like/can't do the culture in which they're living, so in many cases, they've scrapped the whole romantic crapdoodle surrounding our culture's ideas of flirting, dating, and mating. While a mundane's idea of a come-on line might be, "Can I buy you a drink?" a non-mundane's idea might be, "Say, you're pretty cute. Wanna fuck?" (This is, of course, an extreme example, but it's happened to me once...) Many times geeks lack the patience for the tedious "social dancing" and so on. Many have adopted what I like to call "sledgehammer flirting" as a coping mechanism. Study up on it...
Here are a few articles I've read which may or may not help:
A Guide To Geek Girls -- starts with the immortal lines, "So you realized that you're never going to meet Kim Basinger. Moreover, the pretty thing in your Sociology class or the leggy new secretary in the office has given you the cold shoulder three weeks in a row. You're feeling fairly dejected. You obviously haven't considered dating a geek girl." Sage advice.
And of course, the classic Sex Tips for Geeks by ESR. (Take with a grain of salt; he's a bit of a biological determinist...hardly surprising, but worth noting.)
The Vig: The most important thing to remember is, PAY ATTENTION. The second most important thing to remember is, REACT. (Excerpt from Sex Tips For Geeks: "Cathy: "Allow me to emphasize the `let it be known when that's turning you on' part. The most frustrating sexual encounter I ever had was with a guy who did not react at all to anything I did.")
While you may not end up with a covermodel, you'll probably eventually find someone who suits your fancy ok. (I once had someone tell me, "Physically, you're not my type, but I think it was lust at first sight.) Hey, I'm not gorgeous (and neither is my SO), but we've both done all right in the romantic arena, and I don't just mean by each other. Be patient. Be persistent. Don't take the dissolution of one relationship as the end of the world. Contrariwise, don't hang all your expectations on a relationship immediately. If you think (right from the get-go) "This is the person I want to be with forever!" you're probably in trouble, and up for a thorough disillusionment. Relationships (and the trust that comes with a long-term relationship) -- and even functional frameworks for getting laid (which is different) -- have to be built over time. They have as many layers as a Linux kernel, and they don't compile overnight.
Happy hunting!
* Significant Other
^ Most of the relationships I've had have been as a direct result of SF fandom or the SCA. You figure it out.
