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This has got to be the best thing I've seen on The Onion in a long time.

Unreleased Jimmy Page Guitar Riff To Be Retrieved From Secret Vault To Save Rock And Roll

GWYNEDD, WALES--Calling it the planet's last, best hope for saving rock music, the Guardians of the Protectorate of Rock announced Monday that they would take the extraordinary step of unleashing a never-before-heard Jimmy Page riff, hidden for decades in a mythic, impenetrable vault.

"We who believe in the immortality of rock took a vow 30 years ago that we would never release this incredibly powerful force unless we faced a Day of Reckoning--and that day has come," said Black Sabbath guitarist Tony Iommi, one of the chosen few who helped forge the Secret Vault to Save Rock and Roll, at a press conference in the Welsh highlands. "Just look at the pop charts, and you shall know I speak the truth."

"Let's give rock and roll its fucking balls back," he added.

The Guardians said recent developments in the music world, such as the unaccountable popularity of the Dixie Chicks and Sufjan Stevens, have created a "perfect storm of lameness" from which rock might never recover. While Iommi refused to say when the vault would be opened, hard rock sources believe it will take place just prior to next month's Fall Out Boy-Honda Civic tour, which many fear will suck the remaining lifeblood from all that still rocks.

"Citizens of Rock, we refuse to stand idly by any longer," ZZ Top founder and Protectorate High Elder Billy Gibbons said. "When a puss like James Blunt is allowed to rule the airwaves, we must respond by exposing this monster riff, and blowing minds into the stratosphere."

The Protectorate, devoted to the preservation of badass jams and blistering guitar solos, was reportedly formed in the 1970s during the rise of adult contemporary music. According to legend, the riff, played only once by Page and recorded on a special cobalt record, contains the raw power, mind-blowing skill, and unbridled passion of all the Guardians combined. Recently translated parchments from the era describe it as a soul-searing power-chord progression faintly resembling a cross between "Smoke On The Water" and "Living Loving Maid," but "basically defying all description."

It is believed that, upon the riff's release, even those who claim that the genre is dead will have no choice but to pump their fists, bang their heads, and bow down to the gods of rock for all eternity.

"May God have mercy on our souls for what we are going to set loose upon the world," proclaimed Queen guitarist Brian May, dressed in druidic robes and bathed in the rising blue smoke of a nearby fog machine. "Will it save rock or destroy mankind? We have no way of knowing--yet we have no other choice."

Members of the Protectorate were each given only partial information about the location of the vault, which they were instructed to open in unison only in the event of a total Rockopalypse. While some believed the vault was buried in Boston, Chicago, Kansas, Europe, or Asia, others claimed it could be found in the Court of the Crimson King.

However, after piecing together clues hidden in Yes album covers and Pink Floyd liner notes, rock historians now believe the riff is locked away deep beneath the Welsh countryside house known as Bron-Yr-Aur, at rock-grid coordinates SH735026. British weather satellites have also photographed an enormous cloud, shaped like a hybrid of an upside-down question mark and cross, forming above these exact coordinates.

The vault's Key, regarded as too staggering a burden for any one man to bear, was divided in two parts, with half entrusted to Eddie Van Halen and half to David Lee Roth, shortly after Roth left the rock supergroup Van Halen. The two men, who have refused to work together for 20 years, recently announced plans for a historic reunion tour.

"Before we shake Heaven and Earth with the vicious power of this riff, we of the High Council of Elders of the Guardians of the Protectorate of Rock ask you: Are you about to rock?" AC/DC guitarist Angus Young said. "If so, we salute you."

When asked to comment on the possible dangers of using the riff, Sir Paul McCartney seemed surprised.

"There's a secret vault to save rock and roll?" McCartney said. "This is the first I've heard of it."

Chicago defense is going to force turnovers and prevent Manning from a big passing game.
Anybody else care to speculate?

Bears: 30
Colts: 28

Let's make one thing clear. As long as there have been heterosexuals, there have been homosexuals and transgendered people. It's just that through most of recorded history, we have been trampled on and repressed. We were not allowed to be ourselves--something straights take for granted. Unfortunately, sex education in this country is still limited to the physical processes; there is no discussion of sexuality and gender (at least there wasn't when I went to high school). If this were part of the curriculum we could wipe out anti-gay bigotry in a generation.

Point two: there is no homosexual "agenda." Our agenda is be accepted in society, to be ourselves without fear of being assualted, or fired from our jobs, to have our relationships recognized by the state. People ask (some even within the gay community) why we need the state to sanction our relationships. We need this for hospital visitation rights, for estate transferral, for power of attorney, for the ability to marry a non-U.S. citizen, and a host of other reasons which are part of the package. We do NOT have plans to convert straights--which brings me to my third point:

Some of these conservatives push an agenda (I can use that word too) that sexuality is a choice, that one can choose to be hetero or homo. Such a position is easy to maintain when your orientation is in the mainstream, when you've never had to think about it. Let me be clear that sexuality is not a choice. There may be some changes throughout a person's lifetime, much as personality develops as one matures. But one cannot choose their sexuality any more than they can choose other fundamental traits.

As described above, one cannot choose their sexuality, but one can choose to accept it. Let me tell you, there are a lot of repressed homosexuals in this country. They try to fit in, they try to meet expectations by marrying a member of the opposite sex and raising children. But they're not happy, and might even find an outlet for their repressed sexuality in adult bookstores, forest preserves, and libraries. In the worst case they become child molestors and muderers. And gays get blamed for it.

I've noticed that conservatives almost never call us "gays," preferring the pejorative "homosexual." Here's the difference between those terms: A gay man is someone who has come to terms which their sexuality, lives "out in the open" and is proud of who they are. As stated earlier, one cannot choose to be or not be homosexual. But one can choose to accept themselves for who they are, and be gay.

Finally, I'll tell you why we need gays (and other LGBT folks). One, we tend to be exceptionally creative. Look at all the gay actors, artists, writers, and programmers! Secondly, we revitalize cities. Gay people tend to concentrate in urban areas. Often, the only place which will allow gay nightclubs are the very worst parts of town. However, given time, we can turn these dilapidated neighborhoods into bustling gentrified places (compare Chicago's East Lakeview today and 10 years ago). In turn, the renewed neighborhood becomes desirable to straights, so desirable that young gay people can no longer afford to live there. This in turn brings them to another depressed neighborhood, and the process begins anew. Finally, I think we act as a safety valve on population. The human population of the Earth is doubling every 50 years now (at a minimum). this kind of growth is not sustainable. Instead of criticizing us, "conservatives" should be thanking us for not contributing to the accellerating birth rate.

Since being introduced to Lotus Notes, I've seen my fair share of obtuse error messages. However, yesterday I came across a doozy. Try to guess what this means (scroll down for the answer):

Error: Variant does not contain a container.

Answer: This error appears when one attempts to archive messages without setting up an archive file. How user friendly!

This is just a PSA for people who enjoy country/rock crossover music. Mark Knopfler and Emmylou Harris recently put out an album called All the Roadrunning, and I highly recommend it. Their voices harmonize very well, most of the songs are uptempo, and the songwriting is great.

I saw them in concert recently and it was an excellent show. They each performed some of their solo material (and some Dire Straits stuff), and most of the songs from the new album. It was cool to see Emmylou jamming on her six-string acoustic to "Speedway At Nazareth". :)