What I originally intended to say

Dear friends,

I am sorry that I have been unable to post any messages recently. The past few weeks have not been good to me. Firstly, my pet goldfish Puddles died unexpectedly. After several days of grief, I found out that my application to appear on an episode of Fear Factor had been rejected. Just as I was about to recover from this tragedy, I was informed by my doctor that I needed an immediate thumbnail transplant.

As you can see, things have been rather rough for me. For each of you that has been there to support and comfort me during these troubling times, I extend my deepest and most heartfelt gratitude. It is because of people like you that there is still hope left for this evil and terrible world. Without you all, I wouldn't be here today.

And for those of you that never offered me any support, may you injure yourself in some sort of farming machinery accident, and be forced to eat instant oatmeal and fried rice for the rest of your natural lives.

The end.