Vixie didn't invent DNS. Hell, he didn't even create BIND.

The name you want is Paul Mockapetris.

So, you'd basically like me to pay more money for less functionality?

Is your mythical electronic device a decent size, like..oh, I don't know, 15 x 12 inches or so.
Can I rest my breakfast bowl on it while reading? How do I split it in half so I can read one section while SWMBO reads another? Can I skip the forced interstitials? What happens when the battery runs out? If I travel out of town, can I bring my own reader or will the Plain Dealer use an incompatible format?

The physical portion of a newspaper isn't broken, it's the content that's broken.
What I'd like is a paper with fewer generic AP stories. Stop republishing someone else's news two days late.
I want more stories on local politics, businesses and concerns.
Tell me about cost overruns, who voted how, what that business closing really means for the economy.
Write a story about a local mover and shaker, an educator "who made a difference", some local history, code amendment changes, etc.

Enough with the "Lifestyle" section, with generic recipes with ingredients that aren't even in season.
Hell, last week we had a birding article from Florida, this has relevance to me on the other coast how, again?

I'd gladly pay the same subscription fee(and maybe even a little more) for a thinner paper that only contained articles relevant to my state.
I've mentioned this in the past to the editors of my local paper, but they, unfortunately, are going further the other way with more outsourced pablum.
Being a one-paper town, there isn't much competition. so if you want to stay even minimally informed, you need to take the bad with the good, but one can dream.

Also, a 2 year contract? What are you, a cell-phone company? Give me a break.