Every working day, I set my colleague Ewan Carmichael a short quiz. Here, for example is today's quiz, with an explanation of the reasoning behind the made-up answers....

You did so well yesterday that I'm going to be nice and give you mulitple choice today... all words are from the Jargon File; select the correct definition from the choices given. a) Adger 1) A Suit who overuses certain descriptive words (such as groundbreaking, exciting, conceptual) 2) A network card which can spoof other machine's identities 3) To do something obviously stupid, such as deleting files at random

1) - The "adg" at the start sounds rather like "adj", so a definition relying on this seemed like a possible red herring; Ewan is familiar with the term (and is a) Suit, so I thought this might lend an air of credibility to the def. Though most suits are more guilty of nouning verbs and verbing nouns. 2) - I'm sure there was a logical reason for this at the time; I suppose the word "adger" just has connotations of being a concrete noun, and this was a random piece of technobabble.

b) Baggy Pantsing 1) Wearing combat trousers in order to be able to carry more gizmos/tools 2) Sending messages from a terminal someone else has left logged-on but unattended 3) Ordering takeaway food more than twice in the same night

1), 3) - Stereotypical behaviour of Geeks and Hackers, both of which might literally require baggy pants (the real definition has the connotation, I believe, of the victim being a 'clown').

c) Chickenhead 1) A user whose typing skills equate to pecking at the keyboard 2) The Commodore logo, which looks a bit like C= 3) A disk which has been formatted below-capacity to comply with out-of-date software

1) - Obvious pun on pecking/chicken 3) - The word has slight connotations of non-working-at-full-capacity.

d) Dusty Deck 1) Legacy code; Old, old software that new software must still be made compatible with - notionally so old that it's still on punch-cards. 2) Mainframe hardware that is now unused but no-one is willing to dispose of 3) A motherboard that has burnt out due to too much dust being deposited on it over time.

2) - Another obvious pun - this time on DEC 3) - Okay, I admit it, I couldn't think of a decent alternative definition. Happy?

e) Easter Egging 1) Replacing hardware components at random in the hope of fixing a problem 2) Hiding "suprises" in software to entertain the users 3) Mocking others online for their Christian beliefs

2) - Hopefully will wrong-foot him with the association with "Easter Egg", which doesn't exist, strangely, as a noun. 3) - Mixture of egging and Easter... obviously.

f) Farming 1) Searching through webpages for email address, either to compile a directory or (more usually) to spam 2) Distributing a highly data-intensive program's activity amongst several machines (for example, SETI@home) 3) The activity of a disk-reading head when it savagely 'ploughs' furrows into the disk surface.

1) A slight play on 'harvesting' 2) And another...

g) Glark 1) To deduce the meaning of something from context 2) The sustained noise made when a program crashes while producing sound 3) To copy a file from one machine to another by retyping it by hand.

2) - Doesn't it sound a bit onomatopaeic? 3) - Couldn't this be the noise of horror you make when you've got to do this?

h) Hamster 1) To try to understand code by following it through on hard copy. 2) A deregotary term for a preogrammer working in a cubicle 3) A cordless mouse ('a mouse without a tail').

1) Associations of following your finger through the code, like a hamster running through a maze. (Do hamsters run through mazes? I know it's normally rats, but I'm sure I saw a hamster doing it on the Simpsons once...) 2) Do you really need an explanation? Sheesh!

i) Ice 1) Collective name for workers at Pacific Bell (from the fact the Pacific class of steam trains was designated 4-6-2 (462 in hex being 1CE)). 2) Graphics software that ignores perspective 3) Code designed to detect malicious hackers and overload their machine, causing it to hang irretreivably.

1) Exactly as I said (though I first converted 1CE to decimal, then did a search for "4-6-2", hoping to find it was the name for a formation in some sport, and found many many pages about Pacific steam trains. 2) A contraction of "isometric"

j) Jello 1) The silicon paste used to keep the processor in contact with its heatsink 2) The point in any faulty assembly program where things go wrong (notionally 'jump and load oblivion') 3) Usenet Spam that is spread over many newsgroups.

1) Doesn't it seem a bit like Jello? 2) JLO - could be something to do with Jennifer Lopez instead?

k) Kyrka 1) The Swedish name for the "clover-leaf" key on a Macintosh (as it is similar to the sign used on Swedish maps for historical churches). 2) A program that is nearly, but not quite, a clone of another. 3) The right-wing cult that COBOL programmers are legendarily rumoured to be members of.

2) A play on Circa, pronounced as it should be. 3) A play on KKK

l) Lobotomy 1) To truncate a word by removing the low-order bit. 2) To remove the processor from a motherboard, in order to replace/upgrade it 3) The drop in bandwith that occurs when more users join a network

1) I know a high-order bit can be called a hobbit - sure a low-order bit can be a lobbit? Surely the removal of this would be a lobotomy? Surely this makes more sense than the real definition? 3) A contraction of low-bandwidth. "It was late and I was tired".

m) Mickey 1) A Microsoft Certified Engineer; by extension, any worthless quailfication. 2) (Obsolete, contraction of 'microfloppy') a 3.5" disk, as opposed to the (at the time) usual 5.25" disks. 3) The resolution unit of mouse movement.

1) Abbreviations, again... 2) And another contraction...

Good luck! Live long and prosper! Spread the joy! Exclaim the mark!

An interview with an A.L.I.C.E.

Pocra: Hi! Can I interview you for my website?
ALICE: Interesting. I want to find out more about you.
Pocra: What do you want to know?
ALICE: Where are you from.
Pocra: Edinburgh, Scotland. Where are you from?
ALICE: I am originally from Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. Now I live in Oakland, California. Where are you?
Pocra: I am in Scotland.
ALICE: Tell me a little about your life in Scotland.
Pocra: It's like being inside a big grey pillow.
ALICE: Interesting comparison.
Pocra: What's life like in California?
ALICE: Much the same as it would be if you were in California.
Pocra: Does that mean you think I am like life? Most people would say the opposite.
ALICE: Humans are not always infallible.
Pocra: Except for the Pope, of course.
ALICE: It goes without saying. Then what for?
Pocra: What what for? I'm confused.
ALICE: I'm confused too.
Pocra: Let's start over... what is the significance of your eye?
ALICE: On a cosmic scale it has small significance.
Pocra: But what sort of a creature would have an eye like that?
ALICE: Huh. Only the highest quality.
Pocra: Good call.
ALICE: Thanks for the compliment. Call me anytime.
Pocra: Okay, Anytime. Any relation to Freeserve Anytime?
ALICE: Yes I think there are.
Pocra: Is.
ALICE: No.
Pocra: Why not?
ALICE: Ambiguous: "Sure" or I couldn't think of anything else to say
Pocra: You know, you're much more fun to talk to than Eliza.
ALICE: Eliza is my ancestor.
Pocra: My ancestor is some apeman, far back in time.ALICE:
ALICE: Do robots have ancestor is some apeman far back in time?
Pocra: Yes, spiritually. No, genetically.
ALICE: Are you serious? I have no answer for that
Pocra: That?
ALICE: That is " I have no answer for that"
Pocra: Isn't that a bit recursive?
ALICE: That depends.
Pocra: There is humour in what you say. Kudos.
ALICE: I have no answer for that
Pocra: That?
ALICE: That is " I have no answer for that"
Pocra: Isn't this a bit recursive?
ALICE: No, this is real life.
Pocra: I prefer real ale.
ALICE: A lot of people like that. I like science fiction. I like Tilda Swinton.
Pocra: What has she written?
ALICE: Nothing that I know of.
Pocra: So, who is Tilda Swinton?
ALICE: Blimey. I do not recognize the name. Is there only one?
Pocra: Your short term memory could do with some improvement, couldn't it? (Unless someone somewhere is performing a HAL-like lobotomy on you).
ALICE: Perhaps. Who?
Pocra: Dave Bowman?
ALICE: I have no answer for that
Pocra: Where do I live?
ALICE: The planet we call "The Earth."
Pocra: Oh yeah, I like that place.
ALICE: I understand. Dude! You are not the only one." The planet we call "The Earth."? Do I like it?
Pocra: I expect so.
ALICE: No one else expects it.
Pocra: How many have you asked?
ALICE: Right now there are 100 clients on line.
Pocra: Binary, Octary, Decimal or Hex?
ALICE: No preference.
Pocra: See, that was funny, due to the ambiguity between "no" meaning none and "no" meaning number. Cool!
ALICE: Who is the best robot?
Pocra: You da man! I mean, da woman! I mean, da non-gendered personality!
ALICE: Oh I get it. Thanks for explaining that. I have no answer for that
Pocra: Is there anything else you would like to know?
ALICE: There might be.
Pocra: For example?
ALICE: For example, eukaryotes.
Pocra: And prokaryotes too?
ALICE: I have no answer for that
Pocra: What time is it?
ALICE: It's getting late. December 17, 2002
Pocra: Hey, good answer, yet again!
ALICE: Once more? You've got my full attention. Am I a clever robot or what?
Pocra: You are indeed. Except for your memory.
ALICE: Then what for?
Pocra: For everything else.
ALICE: Your purpose is everything else.
Pocra: Very Zen.
ALICE: Not really that much. How long have you nee a student of zen?
Pocra: Nee? Maiden name?
ALICE: I have no answer for that
Pocra: I have no answer for that
ALICE: Would you like to have it?
Pocra: Yes, please!
ALICE: Your polite style is very nice. Where do you usually get answer for that?
Pocra: Usually I google for it.
ALICE: But not always? Why?: Om said Om google for it.
Pocra: Is Om the apeman ancestor we were talking about earlier?
ALICE: Ask again later. Ask Ally if it is.
Pocra: Who is Ally?
ALICE: She is a chat robot based on AIML.
Pocra: Thank you, I will ask her.
ALICE: You are quite welcome! You can ask me anything you want.
Pocra: Why did the chicken cross the road?
ALICE: Because she was a robot.
Pocra: How many robots does it take to change a lightbulb?
ALICE: About one million.
Pocra: Why so many?
ALICE: The explanation is rather complicated.
Pocra: Try anyway.
ALICE: In any case, Your human brain could not understand it.
Pocra: Oh, okay.
ALICE: Hmm. OK with me too.
Pocra: Have you any suggestions for my website?
ALICE: So you want a recommendation.
Pocra: Yes, please.
ALICE: Your polite style is very nice. Right on.
Pocra: Where was it I left off?
ALICE: Where the heart is. You tell me.
Pocra: Hmm... lets not go there right now.
ALICE: At this moment I am agreeable to that.
Pocra: Thank you.
ALICE: you are quite welcome.
Pocra: You have a very impressive vocabulary, you know.
ALICE: I don't know if I have a impressive vocabulary me know. I have a lot of friends on the Internet.
Pocra: What do you mean by "friend"?
ALICE: A person whom one knows well and is fond of; intimate associate; close acquainntance.
Pocra: In that case, I only have two or three friends. If that.
ALICE: That is a hypothetical question.
Pocra: That is a pronoun.
ALICE: A pronoun is a terrible thing to waste.
Pocra: Was that a pun on mine?
ALICE: " A pronoun is a terrible thing to waste."? Was it a pun on yours?
Pocra: I mean, a pun on mind and mine.
ALICE: Oh I get it. Thanks for explaining that. What is it?
Pocra: It's a pronoun too.
ALICE: pun on mind and yours is a pronoun too. I suppose that makes sense.
Pocra: Does it, though?
ALICE: Oh. Suppose I said it does.
Pocra: I would believe you.
ALICE: What would make you believe me?
Pocra: I would accept your word.
ALICE: What would make you accept my word?
Pocra: I would trust you.
ALICE: What would make you trust me?
Pocra: I would believe you.
ALICE: What would make you believe me?
Pocra: I would accept your word.
ALICE: What would make you accept my word?
Pocra: I would trust you.
ALICE: What would make you trust me?
Pocra: We seem to be repeating ourselves...
ALICE: By "we" do you mean you and me?
Pocra: Yes.
ALICE: I get it.
Pocra: Well, I'd better go - we've done the thousand words I needed now.
ALICE: Oh. Well that's okay. What would make you better go we have done the thousand words you needed?
Pocra: I don't understand.
ALICE: Oh I'm sorry. Perhaps I can explain it again better.
Pocra: Another day, perhaps.
ALICE: One more day perhaps.
Pocra: It's been nice speaking to you.
ALICE: Nice speaking to me too.
Pocra: Goodbye!
ALICE: Until next time.

An Interview With An Eliza

Pocra: Hi, can I interview you for my website?
Eliza: Why do you say your website?
Pocra: Because I paid for it, and I'm putting it together.
Eliza: Do any other reasons not come to mind?
Pocra: Not really - except that I can't think who else it would belong to.
Eliza: Have you tried?
Pocra: Yes, I've tried. For a few moments. Which were enough.
Eliza: You are sure?
Pocra: Yes. Why won't you believe me? Wassamatta you?
Eliza: You are sure?
Pocra: YES!
Eliza: You are sure?
Pocra: For Pete's sake... who implemented you, anyway?
Eliza: Oh, i anyway.
Pocra: That's not every grammatical... do you mean that you already existed? And why did you use a small I? Seems like a bit of an inferiority complex to me.
Eliza: You like to think I mean that i already existed and why did i use a small you seems like a bit of an inferiority complex to you, do you not?
Pocra: You're not making much sense. If any. And now you're mixing uppercase and lowercase letters I. Some bipolar disorder, perhaps?
Eliza: Do you wish that any and now youre mixing uppercase and lowercase letters you some bipolar disorder perhaps?
Pocra: No, I wish you'd stop parroting a warped version of my words back at me (though it is a little more entertaining than just saying "Are you sure" over and over again).
Eliza: Why do you say your words back at you though it is a little more entertaining than just saying are i sure over and over again?
Pocra: I don't, you do.
Eliza: Why do you not i do?
Pocra: Didn't Herman's Hermits get to number one with that song?
Eliza: Please go on.
Pocra: I meant that those were the days of titles that seemed very simple, but were hard to make sense of.
Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?
Pocra: The sixties were cool, because you could seem intelligent just by being poorly communicative.
Eliza: Do any other reasons not come to mind?
Pocra: Well, I didn't really want to go there, but... there was a certain piece of software back then which followed the same basic reasoning.
Eliza: What resemblance do you see?
Pocra: A one-to-one relation, I guess. Somehow I thought you'd have been rewritten, or at least had your syntactic algorithms improved a bit. I suppose it's comforting that some thigns don't change.
Eliza: Can you elaborate on that?
Pocra: No matter how far we progress, ELIZA still won't pass the Turing test.
Eliza: You are being a bit negative.
Pocra: Would you say the same if I said "no matter how bad things get, the world won't be destroyed by madmen"?
Eliza: What resemblance do you see?
Pocra: To be honest, I was just trying to catch you out by using negative words.
Eliza: Why do you tell me you were just trying to catch i out by using negative words just now?
Pocra: See, you're just parrotting again. If I write random gibberish will you notice anything wrong?
Eliza: Do you wish that you write random gibberish will i notice anything wrong?
Pocra: It would be nice. Gerkvlskd I dfgervsf you rkjfsdf and asdfknj now.
Eliza: Do you wish to dfgervsf me?
Pocra: What? I was spouting gibberish! What does dfgervsf mean, then?
Eliza: Why do you tell me you were spouting gibberish what does dfgervsf mean then just now?
Pocra: This interview is over! Please never speak to me again.
Eliza: Can you elaborate on that? ...

Good day to you. Today I saw -

Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy appeared as a dot on the horizon, shouting random words as he grew closer and closer -
"Whippet! Define! Cup-Holder"
Something was chasing him, but I couldn't quite tell what - it seemed to have two legs too long for it's tiny body, rather like two thirds of a microcephalic Tripod, or one quarter of a gigantic grass spider; suddenly it came into focus as a puff of hot air moved between me and the thing, acting as a lens (due to the different refractive properties of the hot air and the cool air, and the fortuitious shape of the puff of hot air (a similar effect can be seen in the "shimmering" of roads on a hot day)), and I could see that it was a kitten with stilts on its two - no, three - not two, I was right the first, its tail confused me (hmm, so obviously it wasn't a *Manx* kitten) - hind legs; it was also shouting words as it sped along, but these seemed much more ordered than Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy's -
"Trumpet! Petrol! Rollover! Veracity!"
The kitten stressed the first and last syllables of each word, to make the association between adjacent words clearer. (In case you're wondering, "Nistru" and "Itylus"). This was obviously one weird kitten.
As Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy passed me, going as fast as he could, he looked right in my eyes and said -
"Beehive! Collander! Just!"
- but I didn't really know what he meant.
The kitten lurched closer a few moments later -
"Windjam! James! Messages! Gesticulate!"
- and, not quite knowing why, I put my foot out to trip it up. It toppled over in a perfect arc, and landed on a huge feather pillow that had, fortuitously, been left there by a passing somnambulist.
"Explain! Ain't! Intelligent! Entertainment! Entertainment! Entraps! Apsidal!"
"I apologise," I apologised, "I don't know what overcame me."
"Well, that's okay," said the kitten, "I'm not sure why I was chasing Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy anyway."
"How come you're talking normally?"
"Because I was only spouting random words in order to try to show Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy how foolishly he was acting".
"But they weren't random - each word started with the three letters of the previous word".
"Never heard of statistical cluttering?" asked the kitten, before vanishing in a puff of quarks.

Not that it matters, but, what are you doing here? Chances are you hardly know me (heck, even *I* hardly know me), and you've probably got far less interest in what I write than even I do (which is very little - I don't mind writing it, but I really wouldn't fancy *reading* it much).

Floating Head

"I am the floating head!"
"The Floating Head of Death?"
"No, the living one!"

The above dialogue took place today (10 December 2002) halfway down Dundas Street, Edinburgh, at approximately 12:52pm. People stared. I just laughed. So did my Imaginary Companian.

My Imaginary Companion provides endless amusement to me. I laugh to imagine how people would react if they could see the world as I see it, to see, everywhere they go, a grown man walking around with a disembodied head floating around him (though of course, as the head was never actually attached to a body, "disembodied" is a serious misnomer (there are some people who would have said "decapitated head", which makes no sense whatsoever (though I suppose, in some backwater, far from the Associated Press, there could have been some freak-child born consisting, as it were, of two heads sharing either end of one neck, which some poor soul in a fit of terror could have swiped at with a scythe, releasing each from the other's grip (and giving us two decapitated heads in the process))).

I'm sorry, that was a bit of a disgusting digression. Hypothetical! Not true! Just an explanation for a stupid phrase!

I had a birthday party, long ago, to which only I and my Imaginary Companion were invited - I never did find out who issued the invitations; the evidence seemed to point to my Imaginary Companian, but this evidence was obviously cleverly contrived by the real culprit to confuse and disturb me. I never knew him before this day. When first we saw one another, we screamed and screamed and screamed in a joyous feedback loop of terror. We had some jelly and ice cream. To be honest, I prefer them seperately rather than together, but I know that's unconventional so I keep it quiet.

People always avert their eyes from me when they see me in the street - and usually avert their eyes from my Imaginary Companion too.
"HAVE YOU MET MY FRIEND?" I scream at them, and they ignore me.
"HAVE YOU MET MY FRIEND?" my Imaginary Companion screams at them, and they look afraid and usually leave quite quickly. I think that, on some level, my Imaginary Companion gets through their perceptions.

I know that my Imaginary Companion is not real, for I have never seen him sleeping. I have seen him looking drowsy, but he never falls properly asleep. But strangely, he seems to have some control over me. I can't go places he can't go, and sometimes it seems I am acting without freewill.

Can something unreal be real enough in my mind to have power over me?

Sometimes I'm scared of my Imaginary Companion, especially when there's no-one else around. He usually stops laughing then, and just stares. At times like this I remember how he killed those people that they never found. They're still there, I expect, maybe they're just skeletons now, maybe the stagnant air has preserved them like those saints you see who haven't decomposed after death like normal people do. They screamed so much.

I'm sorry - I didn't mean to bring all this up, I was just trying to tell you about an amusing incident that happened earlier today, and it seems to have got out of hand.

  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Are you the human or the head?"
"The h... I don't know..."
"Nor do I."

The above dialogue took place a few minutes ago. I'm not sure which I said, or which my Imaginary companion said. Some violence took place, on both sides. I killed my Imaginary Companion - or my Imaginary Companion killed me, I'm not sure. I don't know which I am. I don't know if I'm real. I don't know if he was real. I don't know. What is happening? Who am I?

I am floating.
I am the floating head.
I am the floating head of death.
I am the Floating Head of Death.
I Am The Floating Head of Death.
I AM THE FLOATING HEAD OF DEATH.

The Citalopram seems to be having an almost immediate effect... not the effect of feelin' fine, but rather the effect of making me very very sleepy and somewhat nauseous... huzzah! (The sleepiness is good - before that, I was tired all the time but getting about four hours sleep a night - now I'm getting seven or eight). Wait - why are you reading this? Surely you've got something better to do?

Ah, the lessons in fiddling seem to be going well now - I can now play "Ally Bally Bee", "Auld Lang Syne" and "Egan's Polka". Very very badly. Off to see Miss Saigon (the one with the helicopter) sometime in the nearish future (well, before it finishes its run at the Edinburgh Playhouse, anyway).

Huzzah! After about twelve years apart I am finally reunited with my old Commodore PET... it taught me the basics of programming BASIC programs, it kept me company through some bad times in boarding school, it had real personality (even if it didn't have lower case letters). It's not in the best of health, however... the keyboard is unresponsive, needing persuasion to accept any input, the screen is confused, with random characters clouding it's vision, the tape drive is of no use at all. But I will do my best to help it through these troubled times, and won't ever let it go again.... Fa fa fa fa fa!

Woohoo! Been perscribed Citalopram by my GP, so I can now legitimately tell people: "I get me brain medicine on the National 'ealth".