Journal Journal: About Me...Part Three 31
The truth is, there are several reasons...
The first, and the most simple is, I wanted to maintain my privacy. Somewhat before my beginning transition, I had worked for a couple of years for a research and development firm. As a programmer for this company, I worked on several projects, including an experiment package that went up on the space shuttle. Other projects included a consumer electronic device that allowed people to access football statistics, support software for a seismograph, and a number of other projects. Most of my work was software, though I did assist on some hardware projects as well.
Immediately prior to my transition I became a contract programmer for a company that specializes in printing various items for banks, credit card companies, and apparently health care providers.
I began my transition on a Monday by legally changing my name. I spent the next day getting my paperwork in order (driver's license and Social Security were the primary ones). Then on Wednesday I began my search for a job. Since I wanted to get a fresh start, I went to a local mall, and began there. My first stop was a national department store chain. I was hired on the spot. When I applied I simply implied I was a middle-aged homemaker returning to work because my child was old enough. That was not all that far from the truth. I was assigned to sell lingerie and sleepwear. I did quite well at it, but the money was not great.
I applied for a few programming positions and I discovered something that should not be that surprising to some. It is hard to find work when you are a middle-aged woman. By this time I had requested that my former employers maintain my privacy, but I got no guarantees. I came very close to getting a job at the headquarters of a hardware chain, but I suspect they learned about my past during a major background check. The company that did the background check did not reveal if that was the case, but I have my suspcions.
I did, finally, go to work for a period doing tech support phone center work for an Internet company. I was actually employed by a company that specializes in providing such services. To be honest, I hated the job. It was not a pleasant place to work, and I left because I needed to help my former father-in-law visit his wife who was confined to a nursing home. He was legally blind. After she died, I did look for work in programming, but again had no luck. It was about this time that my ex and I separated.
I decided to return to my work in retail, and I did even better. This time I worked in shoes, where I made much better money (salary plus commission) and then received a promotion that paid an increased salary plus a performance bonus. Now, during all of this time I had become involved with someone. He was a bit younger than me, and was confined to a wheelchair. When he moved to an apartment, I moved in with him. Unfortunately, I was not listed on the lease. After a year together, his father decided that the apartment was too expensive and that he should move to a smaller, subsidized (i.e. Section 8) unit where he would have to live alone.
I was quite devastated. I was deeply depressed, and my doctor talked me into seeking help. I spent about two weeks in the hospital. When I was discharged, I decided to move to San Francisco. While I still had a job, I had no place to live, and no savings to cover the cost of deposits and first month's rent.
I spent a few months in a shelter before getting my first place. It was nothing great, but it gave me a chance to get back on my feet. I went back to school for a while. I decided to abandon computers and programming because I came to believe that they were part of the faux male personality I had created over the years to hide the real me. This is very common among true transsexuals.
Along the way, between terms of school, I did some volunteer work at my current employer. I was then offered a part time job, and decided that employment beat being a starving student. After a couple of year, I received a transfer to a full time job, and then a promotion.
So, that is why I left computers. First, to maintain my privacy until I could attempt to cover my past. Then because apparent age discrimination. And finally, because I thought it wsa not right for me, though I have come to accept my inner geek and have stopped running from that part of my life.
Until next time...