Comment Been thinking a lot about this. (Score 1) 1198
This thing with Elliot Rodgers has been on my mind for days now, eating away at me. He's that "nice guy" who went and shot four men and two women, because the women wouldn't have sex with him, and the men took what he believed to be rightly his. I've read a lot of discussion about him and his actions, lots of related peripheral discussion, and read and read and read.
I'm reading because it's personal to me. More personal than I thought possible. It's personal because it's delving into geek culture. It's personal because of the deep conflicts I feel about what happened.
It's personal because every other factor is, in my mind, a distraction. This isn't really about gun control, for example. The problem wasn't his guns. It’s about him.
It's personal because, just like the Columbine shooting, it's morally reprehensible. Utterly inexcusable. This is the product of a deranged man, a narcissist and deluded person, taking his anger out on a world he thought owed him everything simply for him being who he was. He was the ultimate "nice guy", a concept which is something of a berserk button for me; entitled, selfish, in love with himself, bitter, jaded, hateful. Indefensible. Repugnant. Evil.
It's personal because, on some level, I sympathise with him.
Feels dirty to even type that. In case I haven't already been perfectly clear, I really, really hate the so-called "nice guys". I make them villains in my stories. I council anyone I see displaying "nice guy"-ism against the folly of their ways. I speak out about it as often as I can. My philosophy is this:
If you believe that you are owed romantic or sexual favours because you do things for them, you are not a nice guy. If you misrepresent your intentions towards women, in the belief that this makes you "deserve" their affection, you are not a nice guy. If you think that treating a woman well means she owes you something, treating basic human interaction as an exchange of goods and services, you're not a nice guy.
You're *supposed* to be nice. To everyone. You don't get credit for that. You're *supposed* to be good to people. You're *supposed* to do kindnesses for people without expectation of reward. You're supposed to have the courage to do the right thing without holding your hand out for payment. You're supposed to treat women and men of all ages and backgrounds with the same level of respect, friendship, kindness, loyalty, strength, compassion, dignity, autonomy, charity, gratitude and love. If you can't do that, you're not a nice guy and you never will be.
So why do I sympathise with someone I despise?
We've all felt helpless at some time. Especially so when it comes to romance. Male, female, straight, gay, or something in between. We've all felt attracted to someone who didn't return our affections. It hurts. I don't know anyone who'll say that being rejected doesn't cut them. Frankly, I'd be worried about someone who *didn't* care. It's painful, and in that pain, we can think stupid things. Pry open the diary of any 15 year old kid and you will find some messed up stuff in there. Peel back their skin, cut open their skull, read their minds and you'll find much darker and hurtful things. Being rejected is painful. It's frustrating. It hurts. It can be hurtful to look at those who have what you want.
But you know what?
Tough.
Yep, tough.
Australians have a saying: "Tough bikkies". Hard luck. You're not owed anything because you're in pain. You're going to have to find some way of dealing with it -- introspection, self-improvement, even physical relocation. This is YOUR problem. Not anyone elses. Nobody owes you resolution. I can sympathise, empathise, and relate -- but it's your problem to deal with. Go hiking in Tibet. Join a gym. Eat a bucket of icecream and watch Pacific Rim. Go do whatever it is that you do to cope with things.
You don't get to take it out on the world. You don't get to do things like grope women at conventions because you can't control yourself, and then blame them for “provoking it”. You don't get to fall all over women with similar interests, coming on like a raging bull, then get offended when they run away. You don't get to make women feel unsafe around you, because you're "that guy" who everyone doesn't really like but puts up with because it's the right thing to do. You don't get to bottle up your anger, releasing it in explosions of self-righteous distemper. You don’t get to do much worse things.
You don't get to spread your pain. Inflict your inability to cope on others.
Let me be clear about something. There are injustices against straight, white men. Some of those are more profound than most understand, and there are much weaker support networks for men looking for relief from those injustices. Fewer options for them to turn to. The advocacy groups for men are usually just responses to the radicalised factions of other advocacy groups, and every bit as radicalised themselves. This limits their usefulness. I can understand the frustration of men who look at radical feminism or radical LGBT groups and face down hateful, extremist views that paint men dark colours with a broad brush. "Not all men do that," you might say. And you're right. They don't. It’s wrong for anyone to accuse you, directly or implicitly, of heinous acts just because of your sex, or the colour of your skin, or any other factor beyond your control.
I've met people who do this. Those who demonise men. Caucasians. Hetrosexuals. These are people, in the flesh, not ghosts over the Internet. Not constructs woven out of fantasy but whole cloth. Real people with real faces and real identities who proudly proclaim so-called "reverse discrimination" is justified. Or those who believe it is acceptable to openly discriminate against hetrosexuals to repay past injustices to LGBT-folk. And those that hope -- sincerely and genuinely hope -- that one day it will be "open season" against men.
In the light of what's just happened, that last one should be particularly chilling.
Many advocacy groups, communities, and religious organisations have extremist elements. Those organisations do not do enough to denounce their radical parts, and hide behind the paper-thin curtain of "No True Scotsman". This is a cowardly way of dealing with extremism and if you're affected by that extremism, the apathy of the moderates can cause anger. I get that. Truly. I don't like it either.
But the moment you start down the path of thinking that, for whatever reason, the world owes you for injustices against you, that you can take out your anger for the wrongs of others, that you can hate a group for the actions of a few... you are wrong. Plainly, simply, elegantly wrong.
The problem isn't them. Or “the system”. Or radical feminists. Or MRAs. Or women, or men, or Democrats or Republicans or Liberals or Labour or anyone.
It's you.
And it always will be.