Make that:
coding_performance_level = (vi + smokes + (coffee | mountain_dew)) * (100 / hours_to_deadline);
and you got a deal. ;-) And yes, the inverted division is on purpose. (Btw, you've got one too many opening brackets - or one too few closing brackets depending on how you look at it.)

Linux is still nowhere near the point where a non-techie will consider adopting it.

Well, the problem here isn't really the techie-ness of the adopter... If Verizon would bother to make and ship instructions for Linux, there would be no problem at all. She loaded the Verizon CD-ROM, nothing happened, and then concluded it was probably this "Ubuntu"-thing, since the OS was the only variable in this case.