Even the largest hadrons can't stay active forever.

1) Grip firmly with right hand.

2) Take one step in so that faces are around 12 inches apart.

3) Make eye contact (hold position until this happens).

4) Once eye contact is made, firmly grab person's forearm with your left hand.

5) Slide left hand up and down person's forearm, from wrist to elbow, twice, while maintaining eye contact.

6) Wink with left eye.

7) Break eye contact, let go.

But all of us here believe in creationism. And since we are all preeminent scientists in our respective fields, I think our point of view has some merit.

According to the latest in physiognomical science, you are perfectly suited for the occupation of:

Maintenance Technician

"Dad? It's Jimmy. Can you help me pay back those med school loans?"

**This call may be monitored for quality assurance purposes.**

Customer: Hi, my computer won't POST.

Steve (Samir): Okay, sir, first we must try a few things. Is the machine currently plugged in?

**3 hours later**

Steve: Sir, the problem appears to be a faulty motherboard. Unfortunately your system is out of warranty. Luckily, while the system was operational, our integrated key-logger was able to pull your shipping address and credit card numbers. We have billed you for a replacement system and it should be there in 3-5 business days. Someone will need to sign for it, perhaps your oldest daughter. Justine is turning into a fine looking young-lady, by the way.

O-p-p-r-e-s-s-i-v-e G-o-v-e-r-n-m-e-n-t

[Google Search]

"Your search - Oppressive Government - did not match any documents."

"Did you mean Outstanding Government?"

Amen. I get so tired of that nonsense. Look, I really don't care if somebody breaks into my Bell Tire Discount Club forum account. I'd much rather just use "passw0rd" than have to come up with a 76-character string that includes both upper and lower-case, at least one special character, at least one numeral, a Latin proverb, the last four digits of my social security number, and a passage from the Necronomicon.

Yeah, replace "unpleasant images" with "401k statements."

Seriously. I'm reminded of a pithy quote about the definition of "insanity."

Sure it can!

But not with you on it.

China! Why you censor Googre? You number ten!

Bahahaha.

"How are you preparing yourself, mentally, for your event?"

"Last Olypmics, I spent the week before working in a soup kitchen, for a lousy bronze medal. This year, I'm just going to drop a baby down a well."

Are you telling me that finally answering the question "which Jersey Shore character are you?", via 106-question interactive quiz, is somehow a waste of time?

Some of us are working on a legacy to pass along, you know. When you great-great-grandchildren look at their mother and ask "mom, was great-great-granddad more like Mike 'The Situation' or D.J. Pauly D?" will she have an answer? Or will she have to look down at her feet in shame and whisper "I don't know."?

I'm back from processing, and now entirely comfortable with the concept of a redundant RAID array of independent disks. Also, I have newfound confidence in social situations.

I even talked to a girl.

Soon enough, but it will be costly. I hope you can remember your PIN number at the ATM machine.