Listen, Alex - everyone here is aware of your abuses. I suppose in your mind that represents a reason to never admit to them - or perhaps your upbringing has left you so damaged that you can't even understand what's happening here. Either way, you need help. Serious help. It's not your fault - but as an adult, sooner or later you will have to take responsibility for your mistakes. You can't continue blaming your parents, or your childhood. I know your upbringing was traumatic, but you have an opportunity here to do something about it. Please talk to a doctor, a psychologist, a therapist, someone. Your life is a hell, but there is a way out. Your quoting of the Christian Bible implies that you have access to a priest somewhere - if you won't seek out a mental health professional, please see a priest. Someone. Anyone. Please.