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User Journal

Journal Journal: can't remember why 3

I don't remember what I told myself or why I did otherwise, but 5 years ago instead of saying goodbye I said hello. I guess I should read my first journal entry here, but I doubt that will give me any clues. I didn't want anyone to know. I've had more high's and low's since then. Definitely a lot of high's in the last few years, but now I wonder what next. I'm bored, I think I just alienated a potential life long love and at the very least a long time friend, and now I feel like I'm back to the way I used to feel. I thought it went away.

I can say it's true every time, but it is always the worst. It always feels the worst and seems unbearable. And not even just losing out on whatever grand idea I was having, but just this plain old feeling. The only problem is trying to find an excuse to justify it. I can't remember the last time I had a panic attack, or what I felt like one was, but I know that I had one today. And I wish it would go away.

So what do I do now?

I guess what I've always done. I just keep trying to move. There are reasons to stop, but I guess I have some morbid curiosity of what awaits next. I know there will be plenty of bad to remember, but somehow things balance out and there is good somehow. I never believe it, but it's there. Maybe it's because I forget that I feel bad and suddenly can see the good around me, but it's hard to believe it's there. At times I don't even want it to be there. That way at least I've justified what I've felt again.

I disabled my Multiply account. I tried to get rid of this one too, but it was too hard so I had to give up and just say I would let it be. Somewhere there's a post that says that no matter what I wanted this to be around in case it could ever be of use to someone. I'm so conflicted because I don't want it to be here. I don't want anyone to see my pain. Yet I want those others that are in the same pain to see that there was something.

Gosh, you know what? It isn't even 5 years ago. It has been 6. It was January 3rd, 2004. I didn't look. I know. I remember the day it came. The gun permit that is. I researched. I had it all planned out. But here I am still. I probably have enough pills that I could take and come to the same result. I've thought of it. I wouldn't admit it, but I have. The same things that are supposed to help could also be the things that help me gain another result. How odd isn't it?

How I've been so stubborn to keep going through the motions despite the tragedy is beyond me. Part of me must be a masochist for continuing on. To be so miserable but still go on? That's sick. I can understand that pain and sorrow is a part of life, but to what intensity? Then again, I've argued that my bad experiences have been equal to things that just seem incomparable and silly.

That's all for now. I think this is all I'll have been able to think for this night. And no, there is no checking up on me. Things might not be fine, but I certainly might not resort to what some might think.

User Journal

Journal Journal: almost couldn't sumbit 3

*Before my actual post*
I couldn't even find the link to write a journal entry. It took me probably 2 actual minutes to find it at the BOTTOM of the long page of journal entries. Why?! Why would it be all the way down there and not have some other journal link at the top? Maybe there is, but they certainly didn't word it correctly.
*End of my rant and into the actual post*

Gosh, I remember when I'd post to Slashdot I'd bust out my macro and create a file consisting of the date and then a timestamp within, then I would go at it. I would write my little journal entry. Save (multiple times; in fact, obsessively like every one or two lines. Ctrl+S is just a natural part of my writing process now.) Then I would go ahead and do my Ctrl+A, Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V, and move along. When the mass migration to Multiply happened I stopped doing that. I don't like that I didn't personally keep track of my posts.

Then I stopped using Multiply and finally did the Facebook thing, which doesn't even count. I get the urge and write up some blurb and post instantly. Again, not thought out and not kept in a personal archive like I would want. I was going to say goodbye to both Slashdot and Multiply, but still haven't mustarded up the courage. I miss my friends and have been trying to write even somewhat more consistently on my own blog. I know Erica (aka Slashchick) did it (I mean the move to her own personal blog), but I don't know to what degree of success. I guess the people that really care would go to visit. Her's, and mine granted I handed out a link. By the way, it's I created that as a side domain to my original, but wanted to use it to focus on my writing. Not just journaling, but my creative writing.

Lately I've written in the blog slightly, but have yet to get back into my fictional writing. It's been so long, but I feel so drained. It's not at all like before where my brain would wander to all the wonderful places that would get me out of the mundain. Now I'm stuck in this focused, adult, work mode and can't find that place anymore. I wonder about it and even try once in a while to get back to that place, but it has been really hard. I don't know. Maybe that's a good sign. Like it was some sort of self-defense mechanism I used to get me through my family turmoil for mostly all of my life.

I hate to think that my creativity and imagination were fueled purely by the miserable mess I felt being around my family. By the way, of which, I am going back home for the Christmas holiday this year. Even before I booked the flight, which turned out happened as a joke, I had anxiety. I felt this stress pounce on me reminding me of all the drama I would be in the midst of again. I've been so happy without all of that. I love them and it pains me to feel that way, but I can't stand to be around them. Just barely for a couple of hours. Someone else that I mentioned this to the other day said they could hold out for a couple days, and were shocked when I said that it was that short.

They're not terrible people, but I always feel like such a black sheep among black sheep. I get that "I don't belong anywhere" feeling all over again. And then I have to do my best to put on the happy face. Sometime back in high school I remember making a sort of promise to myself that I wouldn't do that anymore, that I would just let me be me and if there was something I didn't like or didn't want to do then I wouldn't do it.

That started to make a difference, but everytime I think about going back or actually being around them that feeling overwhelms me once more. Especially now that I see them so rarely. The guilt that was engrained in me takes hold and forces me into submission filling my mind with the, "I owe it to them to at least throw them a bone."

Before it was quite a struggle since part of my family does way too many activities, and the other part either have something else to do or planned, and any of that makes it hard for me to find a place to stay, especially since I would rather stay with my friends but they actually have families that they seemingly want to be around and thus make them unavailable to me. I'm looking to change that this year, or at least have things work a little differently. The last time I went home for the holidays I bounced all around between my sister's place in the city and the region I'm from.

This year I think I'll be staying in the region and may have to bounce somewhat, but that will be between friends, which should be less stressful seeing as I have a handful I would like to see, and that have expressed interest in seeing me.
User Journal

Journal Journal: update retry 4

After being a little mad at slashdot I figure that shouldn't stop me from writing. I'm supposed to try and share more. Some people think I don't share enough, some people say too much. I think they're both right.

First off, after the last post about car stuff I can now give an update on that. I did it. I bought a car. It's a 2008 Ford Focus SES, and I'm absolutely thrilled about it. I'm scared, but it's exciting at the same time. I haven't got much use out of it yet, but it's going to be a big help. I'm especially thinking about the small things that shouldn't take so long, but would wind up being tripled in time due to public transportation. Things like going to pickup medicine or going at lunch to run some small errand.

Last weekend I didn't get a chance to do anything major. I had hoped to either go to Santa Cruz or to Muir Woods, but it didn't happen. This weekend a coworker invited me to go kayaking, but it's supposed to rain all weekend. Although the sun is out right now.

I was trying to find something and someplace to go where it wouldn't be raining, but what I've seen of the weather the whole state of California is going to be rained on. So they say. I don't want to be out in the rain, but I don't want to sit around either.

I actually don't know that there is any other news. I've been trying to keep up with reading. I've also been jotting down lots of notes, quick one-liners, and ideas in hopes that I'll have some huge outpouring of writing soon. I keep sitting down intending to do one thing and end up everywhere except my destination.

It's okay, I try not to let it get to me. My life has at least taught me that phases come and go. Eventually I'll come around. In the meantime it's all about riding it out. Speaking of which, maybe I should go for one.
User Journal

Journal Journal: comments, updates, and anything else 2

Sorry IamBMETammy, I don't know what's going on, but it's says my journal has been "archived" and no new comments are allowed. That upsets me. I don't think there's any use in complaining.

My hilarious reply, before I was so rudely told I couldn't do so, was going to be that he got fired. Which he did, but not for that reason.

Gosh, now this whole comment thing has me thrown off and I don't really feel like posting anymore. I could just quickly blurt out all the things that have happened, but that's not fair. Then all the excitement is lost.

Ok folks, this isn't going to happen right now. Time to get back to work anyway.
User Journal

Journal Journal: someone forgot to turn it off 3

A coworker left their music running. I can hear it coming from the speaker inside the computer. It's this mellow, trance sort of music. Not really in my tastes. I can tolerate it, but the reason I come in early is for the quiet. It's oddly annoying and soothing. All while distracting me from whatever is at hand.

I suppose I could turn his computer off. I don't think that would go over very well. I could also put on my headphones, but I'm really sick of having to put them on as a means to stay sane. If I was really smart I would have thought to put them on his computer, then I'd have to explain why he has a nice set of headphones on his desk. And he's the sort of person that would likely keep them and explain to me that I was giving them to him as a present.
User Journal

Journal Journal: life's decisions 4

I've been meaning to write up some new goals. I mentioned this before. I still haven't come up with a list, but I do think I have something in mind. I'm thinking of getting a car.

Now I just have to figure out what I want. I've been looking at used cars on Craigs List, but that's a lot of work. So now I've been thinking about new cars. Used cars I was looking for either a Toyota Corolla or Honda Civic. That's what I was told would be best. So that's what I'm also thinking about in a new car, with the addition of a Toyota Tacoma.

I figure I need to either go low or high. So I'm either going with a $3000 used car that I don't know what has happened to it, or I can shoot for a new car for around $14,000. In reality, the new car price is likely to be more around 15,000 or 16,000. I'd like to think I could get around 14,000 though.

Insurance looks like it's actually gone up. I did a quote and I think it's more than what I was paying prior to being whatever that age limit is where the price changes. What is that age, like 24 or 25? I don't remember. Doesn't matter though.

I've been asking people for advice and as always have gotten extreme mixed answers. I need to get a hold of my uncle who is in the car business. I'd like to run my thoughts by him and see if there's anything I should be concerned about or maybe some kind of tip he can give me.

I tried calling him a little while ago. No answer at their house. The fact that I know he's not home doesn't really make me want to call his cellphone. I'm ansy in the pantsy, and that's not a good thing. Especially with such a big decision like this. I should feel like a big boy now making big boy decisions, but I have to admit that I still feel like a scared little boy.
User Journal

Journal Journal: and it just keeps getting weirder

Heath Ledger Dead at 28

Much too frequently has my mortality been brought to light. Aside from the work thing today I found myself asking the question, "what really makes me, me?"

Is it or isn't it the way I look, the way I act? Is it only my dna? It's something I can't comprehend all at once. I also look to when I was a teenager and who my idles were. The things they accomplished by the time they were my age now. I can't live up to them. I have to live up to myself, but it never seems to be enough.

I have found myself searching for new goals, which is a good sign that I finished what I set out to do. It's scary though because it brings me to asking what's next. I'm not sure.
User Journal

Journal Journal: wtf, I hate life 5

No, I'm not okay. I'm tired, sad, and angry. X2 was let go today, or "forced to resign", or however the fuck you want to put it to make yourself feel better. It still boils down to the same thing though. And the fact that everyone can seemingly just go on as normal is what really gets me. I mean, I feel like being sick and everyone else just smiles and pretends like nothing is going on. Yet you can hear the whispers and shit. I hate it. I hate being a part of it. I feel like I've lost a little bit of myself, or a family member. Something of that nature, someone that is close to me.

The only way I can seem to describe it right now is like being punched in the stomach and then being told to smile about it. Fuck! And where does this leave me? Wondering, confused, sad. It's almost a fate worse than death. I'm sure people would love to know when they're going to die, but this seems worse. Not only do you not know when it's going to happen, but then you have to find a way to continue moving on.

Ugh. C1 talked with me when we both left the office just now. He says we don't really need to worry, but I can't help it. Sure I do the best I can, but how am I supposed to know if it's good enough. No one is complaining, but it's not like I get a pat on the back everyday either. I feel like I'm supposed to be "grown up" about this and not let my emotions show. That is probably my first mistake. I get involved and make it personal. Everyone says, "oh, it's just business that's the way it goes." But I hate that. I have to see these people everyday. Am I supposed to go on forever pretending that they're strangers or that they don't matter?

Sure, there are some people that I wouldn't mind seeing go, but would I wish that upon them? No! Again, when it all comes down to it would I rather it be me or someone else? I would like to think I'm a kind and generous person, but I don't know that I could say I'd rather it be me. Even if I knew the other person was better suited.

And why does this thing seem so preconceived? B1's gone, so I can't even talk to him about it to get any sort of comfort. Yet I'm suspicious that they did this while he was gone. Is it because they knew if he was around he'd make a big deal out of it? Maybe not, maybe it doesn't matter. B2 will probably shrug it off and chalk it up to "just being business."

I don't get it, and I don't think I ever will. Is that a good quality to have, because right now it's not seeming like it is. Sigh. I wasn't going to have anything to drink tonight, but now I just don't want to think so I guess that makes me weak.

User Journal

Journal Journal: on the one side of my mouth

I opened up one of the holes. I don't know if that's natural, or if I did something to cause that, but that's how it is now. It weirds me out, but whatever. It's not like it hurts or anything.

I had an absolutely fantastic night yesterday. And today I talked with my sister and she'll be coming out here next month. Our excuse for now is that we're getting together for a "combined" birthday, but really I think it's just because she's anxious to get out here. Ever since I moved she's been talking about coming out here. Seeing how things went with the holidays I'm ready and know that I can handle her now. Before I was reluctant because I can be a bit boring. Not to mention I was still acclimating to my surroundings.

I still have a lot to see, but that's part of what made yesterday so awesome. I went into the city and got to see some more. I periodically go out, but as I readjust my goals I figured in the meantime I'd fill my downtime with some city exploration.

I wrote out some details earlier, but won't be posting them now. Maybe later I'll edit and post. Not guaranteed though.
User Journal

Journal Journal: rainy, boring saturday 2

So this big storm blows into town yesterday and wouldn't you know it, that's the day I'm supposed to get my wisdom teeth removed finally. I was supposed to have that done like 3 years ago and couldn't. Then last year I had to get some fillings re-done and ate up my insurance for the year.

Back in September my wisdom teeth really started to hurt. I make a consultation appointment in early November. I had considered just getting it over and done with at the time, but I figured there's only like another month and a half before insurance rolls over. With that in mind I opted to wait.

Well I get a call yesterday that the power went out at the oral surgeon's office. Just my type of luck. After much stuttering and stammering I tell them that if they're willing then I'd like to not reschedule and take my chances that the power will come back on.

I get another call a little while later telling me that the power did come back on and that since everyone had canceled I could come right in. Based on the x-ray's the doctor had said they were going to be tough, but he seemingly didn't have much trouble and I would say did a good job. While it's not fun, this doesn't seem that bad.

I went out and got milk and fruit for smoothies after the surgery and waiting for my prescriptions. I had some trouble sleeping, but I made up for that this morning. Now I'm just kind of bored. I can't really concentrate, so I can't sit still or find anything that will keep me busy.

I'd like a Dr. Pepper, but I'm guessing that's probably not such a good idea. What to do, what to do. I have some books I still need to finish up. I've also tinkered with the idea of writing. That's been on my mind, but I can't seem to bring myself to do it. I was just looking over a short story I started a little while ago and was horrified at how it came out. It needs to be completely re-written, but I haven't the patience. It's frustrating knowing what I want, but not feeling like I can do it. No one ever said things would be easy though.
User Journal

Journal Journal: what I meant to say was....

I was going home for the holidays, but I didn't get a chance to write beforehand with all the random, awesome craziness that ensued. I partially wrote my plan out, but I don't know there is much use in posting it now.

My current idea is that I need to go back over what I wrote and fill in the spots that are lacking detail or any information at all. I didn't get to write each day, but I think I did backtracking at some point.

Now I'm back...well, home. Chicago is much too harsh for me and I don't know that I really care for it. Not that I ever really did. It's hard to say that I like it less now, but I definitely see stand-out issues that make me glad to be where I am. The people and atmosphere are so much different, so much more volatile.

I had high hopes of putting a dvd or slideshow of new pictures to show family and friends to go along with my stories, but I wasn't able to do that. Let alone I forget to bring any pictures at all. Now I need to get pictures and gather whatever one's I have and post them.

I'm playing catch up so I'm not sure what to expect.
User Journal

Journal Journal: just thinking 13

It's been a while. A very long while. First, there was the massive migration over to Multiply. Slow at first I finally picked up. I couldn't quite get into the swing of things though.

Then it was on again off again for a while. Finally, I just gave up. I've only been journaling to myself lately, and that's only when the mood strikes me. I barely squeak by the details and wish I would do a better job or just not do it at all.

My new life has been treating me well. I can go into that later if I get the chance and really feel like I need to explain here.

The main reason I'm posting though is I was thinking of KoriaDesevis. Maybe it's a subconscious thing after hearing about the east coast being pounded with snow. Or thinking how different my life would be if I would have gotten one of the jobs I applied for out there being landing my current job, which has treated me very, very well. I'm still thankful to all involved, and to slashdot for being the catalyst.

So here I am. Just thinking.
User Journal

Journal Journal: ad infinitum 3

As a consequence of the book of paradoxes I picked up, I've been thinking about certain aspects of the world and science. It would seem to me because of infinity that measurements are arbitrary. Take such an example:

If there is an infinite set of numbers, then you could measure a single point forever.

To further the example and get more specific, you could measure a length onto infinity. Say you wanted to measure the distance of a room. Because a measurement can be broken down, you could keep measuring even though there was a boundary. You could take one inch and it would keep getting broke down into infinity. One inch into one centimeter, one centimeter into one millimeter, one millimeter into one element, one element into one atom, and you could measure that one atom into more miniscule proportions. What then? The atom doesn't go on forever, but with fractions of the measurement it would because each fraction would never lead to a whole.

The point being that any measurement is meaningless and only given to bring about a definition or terms for explaining something. Time is another measurement that I believe to be insignificant. Time isn't anything you can see, but it gives humans a way to measure that which is not there. I can't say that I believe time really exists, but that is not to say I don't find it helpful. It's a way for people to sync with each other.

I'm going to limit my thoughts at this point, otherwise this journal entry would go on forever. Be careful when playing with infinity.
User Journal

Journal Journal: futile attempts 1

I have plenty of questions now because I bought a book while in Berkeley. I was killing time because I went to AnimeV and there was a sign that indicated they would re-open at 1 PM. In the time that I was waiting I found a Barnes & Noble bookstore. I went in just to look around. Actually, I was hoping it was one of the stores that had DVD's so I could look for anime there.

Since it is a bookstore I did decide to look at the books first. As I was going through the isles I came across the Philosophy section. I don't know that I've ever really taken an in-depth look into philosophy. One particular book caught my attention. It is called "paradoxes from a to z" by Michael Clark.

I grabbed it from the shelf and was thrilled by the material. It enticed my mind, though I hadn't intended on making any book purchases. I am sure that I have quite a few books in my possession that I have yet to read and figured it would be excessive to buy a new book. I put the book back and continued going through the shelves. I came to the computer section and found an interesting book on algorithms. The book seemed to be focused on algorithm's for solving mazes.

Once again I found my thoughts telling me to put the book back, especially since computer books are even more expensive than normal books. I reached the end of that half of the store and went to the middle and looked at the other half and found they did not have DVD's. I walked through the other half of the store. Once I reached the end of that side I found myself drawn towards the Philosophy section again.

I picked up that same book again and read some more, finally I decided that since it sparked such an interest I would purchase the book. If anything it has at least got me thinking again and could lead me to start thinking up new things to write.

Most of these paradoxes deal with some question that regards infinity. One particularly interesting paradox was about a mule placed equally distant between two piles of hay and buckets of water. It goes on that because of animal determinism and having two equals with no distinction that the mule cannot choose and therefore starves.

I thought logically about this and while I find myself acting in a similar fashion, there could certainly be some detail that would make a difference. Such a choice could be made on where the sun is located. Maybe one pile would be in the sun first and would be warmer so the animal could choose to eat that first, saving the other pile for later when the sun would warm that one. Perhaps the animal was placed in a white room with no windows and fluorescent lights, which would truly make this situation more difficult and get back to the intent of the original paradox.

Getting back to my day, I left the bookstore and headed back to AnimeV to find that they were still closed. I walked around the corner and saw a McDonald's and decided that all this thinking about hay and water had made me realize I was hungry. I went and ate while reading my new book. I walked back to the anime store to find it still closed. I stood there reading my book as I waited. Finally after about 40 minutes I decided that the store wasn't opening in any matter of time that I would find suitable and left.

On my way back to the train station I waited on the corner to cross the street and some guy waved at me. I thought maybe there was someone behind me and paid no attention. He waved again and I felt a little more uneasy as I didn't sense anyone behind me. I crossed the street and he approached me. He asked me, "Do you have a minute to fight global warming?" I quickly questioned how important this next minute was to me and decided I'd let him talk to me without immediately walking away.

I'm not going to say anything more on that matter as it's not of much importance. What is important is that I will probably never go out of my way to go to AnimeV again. It would have been fine that they were closed on this occasion had there been a note. They could have been closed and I would excuse it as maybe something was unavoidable, but couldn't they have put a note up? This will certainly not be good for their business as even if I hadn't found what I wanted I still would have made attempts to go back and surely would have ended up making purchases there. Now I will be making sure someone else gets my anime business. While I may not like waiting for online orders, I can be assured that I will at least be able to pick and order what I want from someplace like Amazon.

With my time now I will spend it pondering whether I am a paradox.
User Journal

Journal Journal: block 2

I can't think of anything to write. I don't seem to be getting around to writing about my daily life, and I can't seem to come up with any creative stories to write about. I can't tell if it's writer's block, or that I'm not trying hard enough. I think I need to force myself to sit down and write about something.

I think part of what's holding me back is fear. I tend to start thinking about what I'd like to be writing and then can't follow through because I'm scared it won't come out right. I also get scared of working more on some stories in fear that I'll screw a part up. Though since it's just computer work it's not like it would be all that hard to remove an entire section, or make changes so that it worked better.

In my strange ways, that's another thing to worry about. I get to thinking that I might work on something too much and then ruin it that way. I can't believe it, but I made myself laugh at how silly that thought was. It's ridiculous that I over think things so much. I had overcome that for a period, but I seem to be getting stuck in that bad habit again.

To combat it successfully as I have done before I need to get into the mode where I act and not think. It's a matter of doing things rather than trying to lay out the path before I get there. That's precisely how to get nowhere.

In retrospect, I'm happy that these silly things are the most of my worries. It's nice to have such frivolous things be at the forefront of my thought rather than such serious things that are truly detrimental.

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Refreshed by a brief blackout, I got to my feet and went next door. -- Martin Amis, _Money_