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User Journal

Journal Journal: a season of sharing

i am so exited. yesterday i figured out what to give my family members for christmas... there are these alternative gifts, donations made in the names of your loved ones at ... i was so excited to find out about it yesterday, because i'm really working on this simplification thing and the importance of coming together for a holiday being family and what not... so i am going to give a donation for each of my familial groups (is that how i say it, each set of siblings, grandparents, etc) and make them a basket with the card and some baked goods.

tonight i cleaned my apartment, it is my favorite way to procrastinate... God is still blessing me in my insanity, and somhow making me sound smarter than i really am to keep getting A's... there must be something in the water... two weeks of the semester left... can i make it?
User Journal

Journal Journal: why is it required? 2

i am listening to sarah right now. i love sarah. her voice. sigh.

"and in that stillness there was a freedom. i never felt before."

"she said how long have i been sleeping. and why do i feel so old. why do i feel so cold. my heart is saying one thing. but my body won't let go. with trembling hands she reaches out...take her hand. she will lead you through the fire. oh and give you back hope. and hope that you wont take to much. respecting what its left. you cradle us. oh she held us in her arms. selfish in her suffering she could not understand. no one seemed to have the time to cherish what was given. oh and i would be the last to know. and i would be the last to let it show. i would be the last to go."

"i believe this is heaven to no one else but me and i'll defend it long as i can be left here to linger in silence if i choose to would you try to understand...i love the way you smile at me i love the way youre hands reach out and hold me near i believe..."

it has been a phenomenal weekend... somehow the end of a weekend lends to emptiness... it's weird... i need to have my apartment magically clean myself... light a bunch of candles... listen to music and read... hmmm... well i was writing an email that kind of ending up turning into poetry of sort, though i am not the most poetic person i know. so i decided that would make the best journal entry for the day.

i really miss you.

it bothers me.

i have this feeling that you are just a distance buddy.
that i may never actually see you again.

it bothers me.

i want to laugh with you and just be around you again.
you add joy bubbles to my life.
and it seems like you're just settling.

it bothers me.

i don't want to be in school anymore.
i am motivated to learn and be educated.
i am not motivated to make the grade.

it bothers me.

i'm self-centered and materialistic.
i'm spoiled.
i have a daddy who will never let anything bad happen to me.
i don't have to struggle just to live.
i am sheltered.
i am too comfortable.
i live in a bubble.

it bothers me.

i don't think i want to be here.

it bothers me.

i want to stand by the ocean.
i want to be in the middle of nowhere.
i want to feel the wing blowing in my face.
i want to catch the kisses God is blowing.
i want to hear laughter of children.
i want to spend an afternoon in a tickle war.
i want to hear a fire crackling.
i want to smell a kitchen brewing with happiness.
i want to feel someone's breath on my hair.
i want to smell their skin next to mine.
i want to hold a person no one else will hold.
i want to love the person that has never been loved.
i want to make a difference.
i want to lose myself.
i want to change the world.
i want to be.

i am not doing all the things i ought to do.
i am not doing all the things i should have done.
i am not doing all the things i've been asked to do.
i am not doing all the things i've asked myself to do.

it bothers me.
User Journal

Journal Journal: breathing it all in

life... sometimes... wow...

a really nice weekend it has been for me... friday i hung out with people i really love in a fun party atmosphere and learned how to salsa dance, which was oodles of fun... then i eventually came home to sleep...

this morning (noonish) i woke up, free of alarm clocks, and went to lunch with matt and kurt... then matt and i worked on the activators web page, what we've started with can be found here... maybe not too exciting, but the fact that we did it in about 2 or 3 hours was very exciting... driving home to take a shower i witnessed an incredible sunset... pinks, oranges... glowing golds, the clouds, the sky, it was all breathtaking...

at 6 there was a candlelit march and service for world aids day... of course i cried... it was really very touching, and i'm glad i went... after that i went with a bunch of my friends to our minister's house for dessert and coffee, because rodger nishioka, prof of christian ed at columbia is visiting to preach at our church tomorrow... he is so cool... now i REALLY want to go to columbia...

to top off the night we were driving back to town and we saw three meteors.. the big orange ones with nice sized tails, it was SO awesome...

things seem to overwhelm me in a good way... sometimes i just have to close my eyes and remind myself to breath...
User Journal

Journal Journal: my crystal world is melting

"look, the trees are raining." that was the comment from one of my favorite five yearolds today... all the ice is withering away, well ice doesnt really wither, so i suppose it is just melting away, like time, ice cream, life and everything else. today was thursday, that means i work both my jobs all day... worked on the inted web page, hope to have it done soon, it's starting to become an annoyance... went to lunch with misty, the chapel secratary, and she took me to this really neat mexican grocery store that has a bakery and sells happy cokes, but they were out of those today, but it was still a really cool place, unique, i love places like that... as i was driving home today i noticed my battery light and my brake light were both on in the warning light section of my car, called david, he said it was because it was cold outside, called amy, she said he was probably right, called matt and kurt, but they werent home, so i just had to trust that i would make it home, and i did, nervous however and wishing i had the phone number for a car guru when i needed it... i made noodles and eggs for dinner, i am scraping the remains of the fridge until payday, frustrating, but resourceful... then i had a horriblke terrible case of the itchies, i really dont know why, but they were driving me CRAZY, so i scoured my brain to think up remedies, old wives tales, anything... i ground up some oatmeal in my coffee grinder and poured it in a bath... it was interesting, but the ithing stopped... so maybe there was some truth to the remedy, somehow i remeber oatmeal baths when i had the chicken pox, of course i was only three when i had the pox, so it really could all be a figment of my overimagination... i have developed wuite the crush on a friend of mine, it's annoying, and now when he gives me stupid looks that are normal for them i try to read into them.. stupid... boys annoy me, rather attraction annoys me, why cant people just hang out with other people and be satisfied with that... why do other feelings have to develop? i am procrastinating again... i'm supposed to be working on a project for buddha class, i'm not too excited about it... oh well... tomorrow is friday... jet lag... drinking myself into olblivon, though hopefully not really doing that... maybe just hanging out... and i have to bake banana bread for cam and rob... lalala... im in a bluh kind of mood... later...

User Journal

Journal Journal: i say i like the cold...

Tuesday... the mamas and the papas sang monday monday, but if it were mine, the song would be tuesday tuesday... tuesdays seem to be hell's creation for me... no real reason why that i can discern, they merely are, and it never fails that i will be cranky if it is a tuesday... yesterday i wore a big warm sweater because i woke up cold and it ended up being 70 degrees out... so today, i woke up not so cold and just wore a sweatshirt... have i ever mentioned the fact that i am at times a complete and utter moron?... you guessed it, it was freezing today... winter storm warnings and watches have come across northern texas... which is actually quite humorous because this takes top news priority on all the local stations... higher than the hunting trips of the big wigs in washington even... kind of interesting... so i watched a half hour news special filmed in front of the 20 or so trucks filled with sand and ice better known as operation ice killer, or something really moronic like that... yes, everything changed when i was finally able to accept that these are my surroundings- i found so much more humor in life in east texas... so it's cold, and i am sure that is the physical reason behind my psychological tuesday problems for the day... i think when it gets cold my body automatically screams cuddle, NOW! right... that doesnt happen, instead i end up with cold toes in a bed next to a window that i really ought to move but i am just too lazy... my big ceremonial act of the day was turning on the heater in my apartment, this is truly a big deal... anything that causes my electric bill to change is something that requires serious thought before any action is taken... of course my friendly newscaster told me to watch out for hypothermia, and to keep an eye on my neighbors, so i thought hey, if i have to watch all three apartments of neighbors, i certainly cant get hypothermia because maybe they havent watched the news so they arent aware of these important mind your neighbor hypothermic updates... yeah... it's been a grand day... i want a pickle..

User Journal

Journal Journal: the right kind of nerd 1

so this thing in the top left corner says news for nerds... i wonder if i am the right kind of nerd, probably not... sure i am breaking some unsaid computer user law or something, but my theory is once i figure something out, it's ok to use it, or misuse it or whatever. im not so likely to talk computer guru type things... the closest to that that i came today was working on a web page for work, but it stresses me out, because i want to test it and make sure everything works and my boss doesnt want to post any of it until it is perfect and completed, he is annoying, and he talks too slow... and sometimes i wonder if aliens have taken over his brain. got a test backl today in the class that i hate, actually pulled off my second A, God is being nice to me, because i know i am not deserving these A's, unless i've just finally figured out the secret to bs... drove to dallas with amy sm tonight to find a book for my feminist theology topic, the feminist jewish critique on christianity... all these feminists clash with each other, it makes for lively reading... so we went to dallas, spent way too much time in a corporation pretending to be a bookstore and i actually got out only buying my book... and a magazine... woe to the martha stewart addiction... she however spent more... bought a book for her topic as well as the bnl greatest hits cd, which made for great listening on the ride home... so i came home and took the ritual nightly bubble bath... i wonder if that is a part of obsessive compulsive tendencies... and now... well.. now im deciding whether or not i like sleep... kind of a dull life... but i have a great personality (you probably wont find that funny as it is a joke misty and i laughed about today, and misty knows less about computers than i do, so you are definitely not her)... i am a dork... i know... ok... thats all for now... do i have to sign out or have some cb code name to end this... guess prolly not...

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