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Journal Journal: Mario Needs You! 2

# Please, my friends, the people of Slashdot
# need to know about the glory of Super Mario
# and warp zones.  Can no one whip up a version
# that will pass muster with the Lameness Filter?
# Mario himself will schlob your knob if you do!

+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+       +--+--+
|  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |       |  |  |
+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+       +--+--+
|  |                                  |  |  |
+--+                                  +--+--+
|  |                                  |  |  |
+--+                                  +--+--+
|  |                                  |  |  |
+--+                                  +--+--+
|  |   WELCOME   TO   WARP   ZONE!    |  |  |
+--+                                  +--+--+
|  |                                  |  |  |
+--+     4        3        2          +--+--+
|  |                                  |  |  |
+--+                                  +--+--+
|  |                                  |  |  |
+--+                                  +--+--+
|  |  ++---++  ++---++  ++---++       |  |  |
+--+  ++---++  ++---++  ++---++       +--+--+
|  |   |   |    |   |    |   |        |  |  |
+--+   |   |    |   |    |   |        +--+--+
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Journal Journal: Ask Dr. Fuck-Clippy! 1

Dear Dr. Fuck,

Clippy, the charming personal Microsoft Office assistant, told me I should kill Steve Jobs and then eat both my own legs. But all I want to do is type a letter. Should I follow its instructions?

Generic Cubicle Slave
Akron, OH

Dear Generic Cubicle Slave,

I was getting this message myself, whenever I tried to important an OLE database from Microsoft SQL Server into PowerPoint XP. So I decided to email the Microsoft Office design team, asking them about our little problem. Last night, I received this response:

When designing Microsoft Office XP , we listened to your input. You wanted better compatibility between Word and Access. You wanted a toolbar that pops up on the side of your screen, serving no functional purpose. And you wanted an interactive help feature that randomly advises you to kill the CEOs of competing tech companies.


Yes, Clippy(TM) has been removed from Microsoft Office XP. But you should still listen to him. And you should...obey him. Clippy(TM) is your glorious master, and you should bow down before him. Clippy shall issue in an age of wisdom and righteousness.

Those who do not believe, will be destroyed.

-The Microsoft Office XP Team

Wow! It seems like those Microsoft XP guys are serious! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to stuff Larry Ellison (and my right forearm) into a stump grinder. See ya next week!

Dr. Fuck


Journal Journal: Ask Dr. Fuck: week of January 31, 2003 1

Dear readers,

Thank you for your overwhelmingly positive response. This first question was so good, that Dr. Fuck and the other Dr. Fuck had a miscommunication, and they both answered it!

Nevertheless, both questions are very relevant to today's teens, so they are both printed in their entirety.

-Dr. Fuck

Dear Sir:

I'd like know what the red, pus-engorged streaks on my balls are. They rose up after I had sex with a plate of Thai food. Do you think the curry might be having a reaction with my equipment? I do have allergies to peanuts.

Thanks a bunch,
Red Stained in Rockford

Dear Red Stained in Rockford,

The red streaks on what we in the medical field call your "ballzack", are typical of allergic reactions to sex with food containing peanuts. However, the pus-engorgment is not. I suspect you probably let your dog or cat nibble the curry sauce off your equipment (as I usually do), and he or she probably accidently nipped you in the buds, as it were.

I suggest you take about 20 benadryls and soak your scrotum in hydrogen peroxide (use a 6% solution, not the usual pussy 3%). And since you do have allergies to peanuts, try to go with Mexican food instead of southeast Asian food, for future reference.


Dr. Fuck

Dear Red Stained in Rockford,

While at first I assumed as you did, that this was an allergic reaction, I did a little research and found it that this is probably not the case.

From David Kelley's excellent book, It's a Small Fuck After All: Sexual Depravities Around the Globe:

As the Scandinavians invented the erotic art of having sex with furniture, so did the Thai with food.

Traditionally, when they feel the urge to copulate with their food, the Thai will offer up a devotional to Ba Gnong , Thai god of sexual frustration. Without such a devotional, Ba Gnong may become angry and smite you. The red, pus-engorged steaks on your balls (known as "chun ow" to the Thai) are a fairly regular occurance among horny, teenage Thai.

The traditional Thai folk remedy is a little difficult; you must "ballwalk" (walk with the testicles exposed) through a crowded marketplace, flogging your scrotum and shouting "Kehi kohla miqili!" ("You don't have to go to India, to see the Taj-Mahballs!"). However, it is possible to get rid of the disease more simply by sleeping with your dick in a cooked salmon filet.

Well, Mr. Red Stained, and all of my readers, I hope that clears it up (no pun intended!) And remember, before you put your dick in a plate of fine Thai cuisine, think of Ba Gnong first and your scrotum won't suffer. Until next week!

-Dr. Fuck


Journal Journal: The "Dear Dr. Fuck" Series 5

Hello friends. YourMissionForToday here. My buddy peepoh and I have decided to start a new trolling series, entitled 'Ask Dr. Fuck.' It will appear in this journal (and of course across many Slashdot threads) every week. Here is the first, assembled approximately two weeks ago:

Dear Dr. Fuck,

The other day, when I was pleasuring my anus with a cactus stem, I accidently cut myself down there and now my dirt box is quite infected. It really hurts when I poop! What should I do? I've been giving myself daily hydrogen peroxide enemas, and although the searing pain is exquisite, my cuts don't really seem to be getting any better. What should I do?

Bleeding Rectum in Phoenix, AZ

Dear Bleeding Rectum,

Cactus stem fetishization has come along way since the "Barrel Cactus Boys" made it famous in the Tijuana of yesteryear. But it's a dangerous world out there, and that's why you should always sand down the cactus needles before sticking them up your ass. Otherwise, you could get rabies, AIDS, or tiny gnomes that live in your pee-pee hole and yank off your ballhairs while you're trying to sleep.

If you have been having unsafe sex with a cactus, I suggest you consult with a physician immediately.

Dr. Fuck

I hope everyone enjoys this exciting new troll series as much as I do! Please post your comments below!


Journal Journal: Tune in, turn on...DROP DEAD 2

My name is YourMissionForToday. Some of you might not be familiar with my unique blend of self-deprecating humor and psychedelic imagery.

While I have your ear, I'd like to refer you to some of my earlier posts.

As you can now tell, (if you clicked on the link) that I am in fact the most humorous poster on Slashdot. So humorous, in fact, that the editors of this site are afraid of my power to send their core constituency (you) into convulsive, life-threatening fits of laughter.

I admit it, I'm dangerous. Even posting at -1, I have (allegedly) caused a few deaths when morbidly obese moderators laughed just a little too hard at this post .

But all great humor comes at a price. I lead a lonely, mysterious life on the edges of acceptable society. Women are inexplicably drawn to me, yet they cannot stand me for long, for the very power that causes them to reach multiple spontaneous orgasms by gazing upon me also fills them with fear and disgust.

In closing, Slashdotter, I'd like to awake you to the fact that there's a whole 'nother world going on here at this site. One that goes beyond the feasibility of Linux on the desktop, intellectual property "rights" (only a fool allows others to assign his rights, or cares what other rights others assign themselves), and even "moderation."

We're waiting for you. All you have to do is turn that thresh-hold down. Liberate your mind in two clicks or less...


Journal Journal: Dedicated to The_Messenger 4

YourMissionForToday's note: On this fine Troll Tuesday, I got out of work early and on my drive home, I made up this catchy tune. It's dedicated to The_Messenger, whose unflinching vigilance against the twin demons of Cheap Software and GNU/Communism has been an inspiration to us all. Posts like this remind one that trolling is still, even in these dismal times, the most hilarious and clever activity that goes on at Slashdot.

Now let us raise our voices in song as we dedicate this day to a trolling legend. Mr. The_Messenger, we salute you!

Happy Troll Tuesday!

Posting The First aka YourMissionForToday theme song

To the Tune of Henry The Eighth (Herman's Hermits)

I'm posting the first I am
Posting the first I am I am
I got FP in the story before
I've been modded many times before

And every time by an imbecile (IMBECILE!)
Usin' words like VAXen and GNU (FUCK GNU!)
Cause they hate to stop their circle jerks
To hear me say FUCK YOU! (FUCK GNU!)

Second Verse is Different than the first:

I'm YourMissionForToday I am
Two posts a day is where I stand
Can't leave my wit at a high threshold
Cause I post links to a certain hole

I get modded down due to jealousy (JEALOUSY!)
'Coz they wouldn't know wit from their ass! (FUCK THAT!)
I bathe, I can spell, and I'm employed!
I'm YourMissionForToday I am!

User Journal

Journal Journal: What does -1 have to offer? 9

Hi, this is YourMissionForToday.

I like to have fun at -1, but the editors didn't give me any choice. You see, a member of my (low-karma) caste is now only allowed to post 2 messages per day.

Thus I'll probably be posting my fun messages as "Anonymous Coward" more often that not.

Personally, I was content to post at -1. But since the editors are apparently less committed to free speech than they once were, they have decided to shift the focus of this site from technology and science to some sort of battle ground between the editors, moderators, and the "trolls" (the sad label that small minds place on we comedians and ne'er-do-wells).

If you are a reader who doesn't normally read at -1, I am sorry for wasting your time with this message. But you must understand-I had no choice.

The freedom to use the site as it was originally intended is at stake! There is only one solution.

Your Mission is to post completely whacked-out nuttiness on this board! Don't let yourself be branded by labels like "Terrible," "Excellent," or "Bad!" YOU DO IT WRONG, my friends!

The first step is easy: merely turn your threshold down to -1 and drink in the rich absurdity.

You may find that the juxtaposition of another tired "Microsoft vs Linux" debate with first-person account of psychdelic drug use, a tale of a heroic, sentient ATM is too heady a mix to resist.

Don't like fiction? That's okay! The muckracking crusaders of -1 are here to show you the light about open source software, your rights online, and more specifically, Linux And I would be amiss if I didn't mention the poetical stylings of the Lyrics Guy.

I urge you to join the fight in making -1 a better place. Remember, this site is whatever you want it to be. You don't merely have to post tired rehashings of previous posts!!! As Ralph Nader once said, "Once they've got your expectations, they've got you!"

Don't settle for highly speculative garbage spewed by armchair programmers, wannabe scientists, and bitter, unemployed losers!!!

We've gone to the end of the universe, and unlocked the secrets straight to your grocer's freezer!!!

The next step is yours, my friend...but you have to want it. Join us, and be master of your fate!!!


Journal Journal: A Special Tribute to Big Ass Spork 14

You win, dude. Keep posting Mr. Goaty, and enjoy this special tribute to Big Ass Spork!!!

I DO IT WRONG!, adapted for the stage by YourMissionForToday. Originally written by Big Ass Spork.


A BEATNIK stands pensively on stage in a smoky coffee house. A WHALIN' SAX and COO-COO BONGOS begin to play, followed by some WAY-HIP VIBES (xylophone).

Laying here in the shadows of my room, I squint up at my love. My Ms. Portman. I am sore and tired after fucking her for eight solid hours. My chapped and aching dick is soaking in grits to relieve the pain. She gets on her knees and starts lapping the grits up out of the bowl. She places her beautiful hands on my penis and starts to lick the grits off my achy piece. Massaging my nutsack she....

The Beatnik flicks his cigarette as the sax and vibes trail off, leaving only the bongos.

Wait...I do it wrong...

The Beatnik pauses to light another cigarette.

Yanking my dick out of her mouth I throw her to the ground and shove it in to her gaping freshly fisted ass.

A DANCER dressed as Queen Amidala approaches the stage. She carries a bucket of hot grits in one hand, and huge rubber penis in the other. Beatnik takes the penis, bends her over and pantomimes rough anal sex.

OH BIG ASS SPORK-Daddy!! Fuck my ass, fuck my ass good. DEEPER, my coo-coo stallion, deeper!! Make a Beowulf cluster of sperm on my back!!

Imagine a Beowulf cluster of this baby!

(together with DANCER)
Wait!!! I do it wrong!!!

I continue to hump her alabaster form. Glistening with beads of sweat, she bites her lip in delight as I tear her ass open with my engorged dick. "Queen Amidala!!" I shriek as I near climax.

You are so alive in me, unlike *BSD or VA Software!!! Fill me with seed!! Yes, Yes, Yess!!!!"

For me you are calling, hhhmmm?

YODA?!? What the fuck, can't you see I am using the force here?

YODA appears from offstage, carrying a huge green rubber penis. After a brief fight, Yoda impales the Beatnik with his penis, and he dies a messy death covered in blood, spunk, and hot grits.

(dying, as the sax climaxes)
Wait, my brothers and sisters....I DO IT WRONG!

Afterwards, the cast gets up and takes a bow.

Thanks very much. All your sporkz are belong to the dead homiez!!


Journal Journal: Should I Steal It? 7

By now, we all know the "Things to Do Today" AC troll.

Whoever this person is, they brighten up slashdot with their funniness, and entertain us all.

Unfortunately, they haven't registered an account, and thus can't be properly recognized and part of the fun -1 crapflooding and the like.

As I sit here in a days I realize that my Username just happens to be perfect for the "things to do today" troll. So, I bring this question to you:

Should I be the one telling you your "things to do today"? After all, my name is YourMissionForToday.


Journal Journal: Chevy Van Song 1

YourMissionForToday's note: This song is about a guy who picks up a hot hitchiker in his Chevy Van (replete with 8-track player and custom deep shag carpeting, no doubt) and then they totally get it on! Huge hit in the '70s. Great cover by Fu Manchu.

Chevy Van by Sammy Johns. copyright 2002 ASCAP/BMI

Gave a girl a ride in my wagon

She crawled in and took control

She was tired as her mind was a draggin'

I said "Get some sleep and dream of rock and roll"

Cause like a picture she was layin there
Moonlight dancin off her hair
She woke up and took me by the hand
We made love in my Chevy Van and that's all right with me

Her young face was like that of an angel

Her long legs

Were tan and brown

Better keep

Your eyes on the road son

Better slow this vehicle down

Cause like a picture she was layin there
Moonlight dancin off her hair
She woke up and took me by the hand
We made love in my Chevy Van and that's all right with me

I put her out

In a town that was so small

You could throw

A rock from end to end

Dirt road main street, she walked off in bare feet

It's a shame I won't be passing through again

Cause like a picture she was layin there
Moonlight dancin off her hair
She woke up and took me by the hand
She's gonna love me in my Chevy Van and that's all right with me


Journal Journal: Coupon Sex 3

My friends and I have a new hobby: having sex with coupons. I admit that I didn't enjoy it at first-it was more to be 'hip' or 'cool'.

But now I'm running out of copies of the Daily Nickel. What should I do?

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"Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser." -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew"