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Journal Journal: What should my new fetish be?

I have recently become bored with pornography. Very rarely do I find myself masturbating to Goatse or Tubgirl or any of that wholesome intarweb entertainment.

Ideally, I would like to try jacking off to new material. Could the Slashboteers point me in the direction of some good shit?

I would prefer to watch video footage of genuine mentally disabled people fucking.

PlayStation (Games)

Journal Journal: Ringbarer Interactive announce 2007 catalog

Purveyor of racist yet truthful anti-islamic Slashdot troll postings, Ringbarer, today announced the formation of Ringbarer Interactive Entertainment - providing games for Linux.

"With the recent announcement that Linux is still not ready for the desktop, we thought it was time that Linux users had more games to play than poorly coded Tetris clones, Tux Racer, and that hilarious applet where you stop Bill Gates from installing Windows over Operating Systems that don't exist anymore.

To that end we have created a new dynamic episodic series of franchised Interactive Entertainment Experiences, catered for the Linux demographic. So we'll be forcing the games to be registered and installed online because we know fine well that Linux users would just try to steal them."

But what about the games? The 2007 release catalog promises to have something for all Linux gamers:

Ringbarer Interactive Entertainment's flagship title - SIM NIGGER is a freeform sandbox game containing a miniature representation of New Orleans. The floods may have been drained, but that gives your SIM NIGGER opportunity to indulge in the kind of behaviour that only Niggers know and love. Smoke crack; rob tourists at gunpoint; do drive by shootings; eat stolen watermelon; loot televisions; acquire 'bling'; anally rape children; spout incomprehensible gibberish into your (stolen) mobile phone; draw welfare checks; and all that other wholesome stuff. Only with SIM NIGGER can pasty white overprivledged middle-class suburban teenagers express their dislike for Mommy and Daddy by adopting a culture that was never theirs in the first place. Featuring a meticulously marketed 'Urban' soundtrack from Eminem, Fiddy Cent, and Vanilla Ice.

Contains inbuilt advertising from Massive Entertainment who shall plaster every available in game billboard with the same picture, whilst claiming it makes the game more 'realistic', because you're stupid enough to fall for that thing.

ESRB WARNING: Contains hidden scenes of consentual fucking available by manually patching the game to include a DivX viewer and several separately downloaded gigabytes of pornography.

The poorly-optimised lagfest that is the Battlefield franchise finally wheezes its way onto the Linux platform. The latest Cancerware(tm) technology ensures that not only will your games take even LONGER to start, thus building anticipation; but even the fastest machine will be ground to a halt - ensuring a fair playing field for all.

Cancerware(tm) is an exciting and revolutionary addition to the franchise, as it shall interface with our servers every game to deliver the very latest geopolitical situation to eager gamers. Whichever enemy the USA are at war with at the moment will be the enemy you are shooting on screen, taking realism to the max! You can be shooting ungrateful Iraqi Insurgents one minute, and nuke-wielding North Koreans the next. Remember, folks, we have ALWAYS been at war with North Korea!

Guaranteed to force you to manually rewrite your firewall's bytecode and install every possible graphics development kit on the planet just to be able to run the fucking thing! And then do it all again every time it's patched! Just be fucking grateful!

Exciting and revolutionary FPS from the makers of SPACE MARINE XENOMORPH BUGHUNT 3. Control a tough talking American Space Marine through several levels of tense, pulse-pounding point-and-click action. Listen to poorly written contrived banter which was considered embarassing when James Cameron first wrote it twenty years ago. Fight ever larger and fatter aliens which are so ludicrous that even Todd McFarlane would wipe his ass on the sketchpad if he ever drew one. Contains the terrifying "Industrial Factory" level, as well as "Sewers", "Crate Warehouse", and "Industrial Factory 2", leading to an exciting plotline cliffhanger to be resolved in SPACE MARINE XENOMORPH BUGHUNT 4 - EPISODE 2.

This picks up the exciting plotline cliffhanger from SPACE MARINE XENOMORPH BUGHUNT 4 - EPISODE 1. Your tough talking American Space Marine has now been turned into an Alien or something. And you get to fight through all the same levels again, except there's a purple glow on things because you're an Alien or something and you've got slightly stranger powers. And a gravity gun.

We have been working diligently with the modding community to provide an exclusive Map Pack for SPACE MARINE XENOMORPH BUGHUNT 4. These maps contain pixel-perfect replicas of every High School in the United States and Canada, so that Linux gamers may indulge their angry loner stereotype with a variety of virtual weapons.

Decades of work have gone into the latest edition of SERIOUS FLIGHT SIMULATOR, utilising the best in scientific physics analysis, realistic fractal terrain generation, and a flight model second only to the best that the military have to offer. All of which will go to waste because the only thing Linux gamers would want to do with it is download a 3D model of New York City circa 2001 and crash a plane into the World Trade Centre, whilst laughing nasally that they're "teaching Bush a lesson".

Somebody has farted in the NSA offices, and it's up to special operative Sam Felcher to find out who it was! Stalk and sneak your way around the poorly lit bathrooms and ventilation ducts of NSA headquarters, until you get close enough to your target to be able to nasally identify their anal emissions.

Like 'Mario Party' but with slightly more geriatric homosexuality.

Control a full-bearded man dressed in nothing but his underwear across many infurating platform levels, just for the chance to eat some distended anus.

The popular education title, updated for the Urban demographic.

Of course, any collection of Linux games would not be complete without a poorly coded Tetris clone! LYNNDIE ENGLAND'S ABU-GHRAIB TETRIS is an exciting and politically savvy rework of the public domain puzzle concept. The barely conscious bodies of tortured Iraqi prisoners are falling from the top of the screen, and it's your job to stack them into amusing pyramids for the benefit of the folks at home. That'll serve 'em right for 9/11!

Many more titles are to be announced. So stay tuned to experience the future of Linux gaming!

User Journal

Journal Journal: Boo 2

Nearly two years! Wow!

How's things going around here these days?

User Journal

Journal Journal: An imposter on IRC! 12 is not the real eggtroll.

That is all.

User Journal

Journal Journal: goodbye 5

The Last FP

I'm leaving now, this stank urine-filled toilet will see me no more. I have enjoyed my time mindlessly crapflooding and trolling here. I started reading the site years ago, back when it actually had some remotely interesting stories and comments on a daily basis. Now it is all inside jokes about Micro$haft ROFL!!!!!!11111 and lame knee-jerk liberal remarks about how the government/M$/Red Hat/Echelon are stealing our souls by taking secret pictures of us in the shower. Somewhere along the line whatever made the site interesting was lost - maybe it was just that it got too big.

A more likely reason is that Taco and co believed their own press. The introduction of karma and the increasing Gestapo tactics were like some poor man's version of Animal Farm. In trying to make their little world safe for the "legitimate" users, they turned this place into a police state. From modbombing to blacklisting, this place has become no different than any other totalitarian regime. And in those regimes, there will always be those who fight back, and I don't mean that fat cunt vlad quoting Chuck D.

I lurked on the site for years, reading some interesting stuff, occasionally entertained. But as my job got more boring and the site became more HOMOgenized, I got sick of it. Then one day neal n bob was born. In just over a year, despite the National Socialist Party's limitations put in place, I have posted over 1000 inane and thoughtless comments.

Now I am moving on to a more important job, and I won't have the time or motivation to amuse myself. I sure as hell won't waste my time at home on this festering sore on a syphilitic man-whores tool. So I'd like to give props to just a few of those who have made all the time I wasted here a little more entertaining, in no particular order:

Big Ass Spork
L33t j03
The Turd Report
Angry white guy

There are lots of other fine trolls and crapflooders but I shant waste the time listing them. If you have ever posted a scat story about RMS, Timmah, Taco, Michael or ESR, you belong on that list as well. If you've bravely shared the story of how you were anally assaulted at the Slash HQ, you belong on that list. And if you are Jon Katz, you absolutely belong on that list. Katz - you are far and away the most successful troll; possibly in web history. All trolls and crapflooders pay homage to your abilities. You're a lot like Roman Polanski, a gifted artist who happens to like young children. I assume you are in France right now with most of the rest of the world's gayest losers and several Afghani children.

User Journal

Journal Journal: My Cornflakes are Full of Tears 2

It is breakfast time around these parts. On days when I wake up with enough time left before I have to leave for work I sit down to a nice bowl of cereal, a Bloody Mary, and a warm mug of coffee. While I like Fruity Pebbles as much as anything else, I found a gigantic box of Corn Flakes in a clearance dumpster at Sam's Club a few days ago for $0.99. Corn Flakes taste fine and I can't argue with $0.99.

Unfortunately this morning's bowl in not soggy from exposure to just milk.

News from the morning paper is that War on Iraq is a foregone conclusion. That makes me very sad. To the point of crying out a stream of salty tears directly into the bowl of cereal below, contaminating them with all sorts of wild tear borne chemicals. Right now you are thinking that I must have grown a heart. Or risen out of my alcohol induced stupor long enough to comprehend basic human emotions. Incorrect on both fronts. I'm bawling like the baby in Eraserhead because the War on Iraq is going to last only a few weeks and I don't want to see all of this wonderful pro-and-anti-War spirit go by the wayside.

There is absolutely no better way to get into the pants of a college age wanna-be hippie girl than showing up at an anti-war rally pretending like you care. There is little I find more entertaining than listening to the endless drone of some puppet of the press as he rattles off today's list of possible Iraq sponsored Al-Quaeda attack targets that can be saved only by a swift pre-emptive strike. Many of the web forums I lurk on have an endless supply of idiot submitted posts covering all of the various aspects of the impending War on Iraq, from vitriolic, completely groundless accusations of far right wing conservatives to the naieve Aviod-War-at-all-Costs stupidity of liberalists. I eat this crap up. Every time I think my opinion of humanity has reached previously uncharted depths the world dumps a new shovel load of absolutely ununderstandable poppeycock all over me, and I relish every last ounce of the stuff. I want people to prove to me that they are idiots. I like looking down on people from my intellectual high ground. If false flagging as an anti-war protester gets me between the legs of a Texas Barbecue Festival queen who just made it out from under the iron fist of her parents by escaping to some far off campus and is now showing off her new found rebellious streak by prancing around with a "No Blood for Oil" sign, I'll be on it before you can get to the end of one of my sentences. If I actually watched the crap I would have been sad about the rule at the Oscars or Emmys or CMA awards or what the hell ever that banned the celebrities from maiking political statements, because I take great amusement in watching someone who probably owns a solid gold life size statue of himself and is wearing a shirt with a pattern uglier than the garage sale lampshade I bought when I was tripping on acid invent new words so he can tell me about how I shouldn't support the war. Hollywood can't produce anything even close to this kind of stuff on purpose. They have to wait for it to happen by accident while they are trying to be serious.

You might be appalled at my callousness. You might want to argue that I'm a heartless bastard and that I should become more politically aware, stand up for what I believe in, write big long fluffy diatribes that outline my stance as it relates to this war and post them on those web forums. Maybe I might convince a few more of my fellow internet citizens to join my side of the cause. Actually, I hope you are thinking those very thoughts. Indeed, if you are, could you please write about them? Or run into the street and put on a show about them for the closest TV camera? That way, I could watch your dumb ass on the news tonight and maybe get a chuckle at your expense. That would be a lot better than facing the reality that nothing you can think of doing will change the minds of anyone because this is an issue that runs much deeper than just US vs. Iraq. Even if you are able to change someone's mind it isn't like you or I have any choice in what is going to happen. I occupy a higher intellectual plateau than you because I don't waste my time worrying about shit I don't have any control over. While you're at home typing up a K5 submission about the latest clueless pro or anti war thing typed up by some other nitwit pseudo intellectual, I'll be passed out in the sun somewhere with 19 year old chick who eats hummus because she heard Ghandi and Jerry Garcia both liked it. I'll get her at an anti-war march, thanks very much. She'll say she hopes that she will see World Peace during her lifetime. I'll agree wholeheartedly and suggest that all it would take would be everyone working together. She'll wear a shiny electric blue thong made in China. At least she will for a little while.

I hate to see a good thing come to an end. I've been to a total of three anti-war events, and one town meeting sort of thing that was decidedly pro-war. All provided quality entertainment. I actually heard an adult use the phrase "Give Peace a Chance" and be met by significant applause. I also saw an adult go completely unchallenged after claiming that he was afraid for the safety of his children if we don't use force against Iraq. I've lost track of the number of times various quotes from long dead but still famous American Patriots were used to support one position or another, sometimes the same quote doing double duty. If one more person tells me that he would rather die than give up his "civil rights" to another Homeland Security Bill I will laugh out loud, or shoot him, one or the other. You just can't get this caliber of theater anywhere else. There has to be some large crisis dividing the nation in order to coax people off their couches and goad them into laying bare their inability to think clearly for a handful of elitists like me to use as the butt of a joke.

So, if you are reading this President Bush, keep trolling the rest of the world. Don't pull out any troops but don't start the invasion. Let this run on into mid summer at the very least. Wait until it is warm enough here in the midwest for the politically active young women to start wearing half shirts and short shorts. After I get my fill of that, do whatever the hell you feel like doing. I'll be in the woods giving my rabbit dogs some exercise, not giving a fuck.

User Journal

Journal Journal: New Journal Entry 1

This is a new Journal Entry. I fully intend to post more stuff here soon if anyone is paying attention. Stay tuned.
User Journal

Journal Journal: mmmmmmmm donuts... 5

Hello, /. community types, disidents, trolls, my fellow americans. It has been a long time no write. In the time since I was last active a lot of shit has happened to me. I left my wife of 4 years. I made new friends, got my own place. Got 4 piercings and a large new tattoo (my 12th). Still write code for the same company. Still have my cat and my hand to fuck (I meant to say I still have my cat and I can always fuck my hand, n/e hoo...).

This is the state of the Big Ass Spork. Living the single life, getting used to being alone...

Journal Journal: Mario Needs You! 2

# Please, my friends, the people of Slashdot
# need to know about the glory of Super Mario
# and warp zones.  Can no one whip up a version
# that will pass muster with the Lameness Filter?
# Mario himself will schlob your knob if you do!

+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+       +--+--+
|  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |  |       |  |  |
+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+--+       +--+--+
|  |                                  |  |  |
+--+                                  +--+--+
|  |                                  |  |  |
+--+                                  +--+--+
|  |                                  |  |  |
+--+                                  +--+--+
|  |   WELCOME   TO   WARP   ZONE!    |  |  |
+--+                                  +--+--+
|  |                                  |  |  |
+--+     4        3        2          +--+--+
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+--+                                  +--+--+
|  |                                  |  |  |
+--+                                  +--+--+
|  |  ++---++  ++---++  ++---++       |  |  |
+--+  ++---++  ++---++  ++---++       +--+--+
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+--+   |   |    |   |    |   |        +--+--+
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Journal Journal: Ask Dr. Fuck-Clippy! 1

Dear Dr. Fuck,

Clippy, the charming personal Microsoft Office assistant, told me I should kill Steve Jobs and then eat both my own legs. But all I want to do is type a letter. Should I follow its instructions?

Generic Cubicle Slave
Akron, OH

Dear Generic Cubicle Slave,

I was getting this message myself, whenever I tried to important an OLE database from Microsoft SQL Server into PowerPoint XP. So I decided to email the Microsoft Office design team, asking them about our little problem. Last night, I received this response:

When designing Microsoft Office XP , we listened to your input. You wanted better compatibility between Word and Access. You wanted a toolbar that pops up on the side of your screen, serving no functional purpose. And you wanted an interactive help feature that randomly advises you to kill the CEOs of competing tech companies.


Yes, Clippy(TM) has been removed from Microsoft Office XP. But you should still listen to him. And you should...obey him. Clippy(TM) is your glorious master, and you should bow down before him. Clippy shall issue in an age of wisdom and righteousness.

Those who do not believe, will be destroyed.

-The Microsoft Office XP Team

Wow! It seems like those Microsoft XP guys are serious! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to stuff Larry Ellison (and my right forearm) into a stump grinder. See ya next week!

Dr. Fuck


Journal Journal: Ask Dr. Fuck: week of January 31, 2003 1

Dear readers,

Thank you for your overwhelmingly positive response. This first question was so good, that Dr. Fuck and the other Dr. Fuck had a miscommunication, and they both answered it!

Nevertheless, both questions are very relevant to today's teens, so they are both printed in their entirety.

-Dr. Fuck

Dear Sir:

I'd like know what the red, pus-engorged streaks on my balls are. They rose up after I had sex with a plate of Thai food. Do you think the curry might be having a reaction with my equipment? I do have allergies to peanuts.

Thanks a bunch,
Red Stained in Rockford

Dear Red Stained in Rockford,

The red streaks on what we in the medical field call your "ballzack", are typical of allergic reactions to sex with food containing peanuts. However, the pus-engorgment is not. I suspect you probably let your dog or cat nibble the curry sauce off your equipment (as I usually do), and he or she probably accidently nipped you in the buds, as it were.

I suggest you take about 20 benadryls and soak your scrotum in hydrogen peroxide (use a 6% solution, not the usual pussy 3%). And since you do have allergies to peanuts, try to go with Mexican food instead of southeast Asian food, for future reference.


Dr. Fuck

Dear Red Stained in Rockford,

While at first I assumed as you did, that this was an allergic reaction, I did a little research and found it that this is probably not the case.

From David Kelley's excellent book, It's a Small Fuck After All: Sexual Depravities Around the Globe:

As the Scandinavians invented the erotic art of having sex with furniture, so did the Thai with food.

Traditionally, when they feel the urge to copulate with their food, the Thai will offer up a devotional to Ba Gnong , Thai god of sexual frustration. Without such a devotional, Ba Gnong may become angry and smite you. The red, pus-engorged steaks on your balls (known as "chun ow" to the Thai) are a fairly regular occurance among horny, teenage Thai.

The traditional Thai folk remedy is a little difficult; you must "ballwalk" (walk with the testicles exposed) through a crowded marketplace, flogging your scrotum and shouting "Kehi kohla miqili!" ("You don't have to go to India, to see the Taj-Mahballs!"). However, it is possible to get rid of the disease more simply by sleeping with your dick in a cooked salmon filet.

Well, Mr. Red Stained, and all of my readers, I hope that clears it up (no pun intended!) And remember, before you put your dick in a plate of fine Thai cuisine, think of Ba Gnong first and your scrotum won't suffer. Until next week!

-Dr. Fuck


Journal Journal: The "Dear Dr. Fuck" Series 5

Hello friends. YourMissionForToday here. My buddy peepoh and I have decided to start a new trolling series, entitled 'Ask Dr. Fuck.' It will appear in this journal (and of course across many Slashdot threads) every week. Here is the first, assembled approximately two weeks ago:

Dear Dr. Fuck,

The other day, when I was pleasuring my anus with a cactus stem, I accidently cut myself down there and now my dirt box is quite infected. It really hurts when I poop! What should I do? I've been giving myself daily hydrogen peroxide enemas, and although the searing pain is exquisite, my cuts don't really seem to be getting any better. What should I do?

Bleeding Rectum in Phoenix, AZ

Dear Bleeding Rectum,

Cactus stem fetishization has come along way since the "Barrel Cactus Boys" made it famous in the Tijuana of yesteryear. But it's a dangerous world out there, and that's why you should always sand down the cactus needles before sticking them up your ass. Otherwise, you could get rabies, AIDS, or tiny gnomes that live in your pee-pee hole and yank off your ballhairs while you're trying to sleep.

If you have been having unsafe sex with a cactus, I suggest you consult with a physician immediately.

Dr. Fuck

I hope everyone enjoys this exciting new troll series as much as I do! Please post your comments below!

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