So. I'm an Ex. That's right, not just an ex, but an Ex. And not the good kind of Ex, like the this-is-by-choice and it's-just-better-this-way kind of Ex, but the other kind, the what-just-happened and why-don't-you-love-me-anymore kind. ...and I don't think I like it.
So it starts out, the two of you are thick as thieves, as they say, always together, telling each other everything, being a part of one another. But those little imperceptible changes have a way of sneaking up, agglutinating, then digesting you like the puny microbe you are.
I'm not a fighter, but when I get pulled forcibly into one, boy can it be a doozie. A week long extravaganza, if you will. Sure, "issues are brought out into the open," but I remain secure in my opinion that there is a less unpleasant way to do it. To try, seriously and reasonably, to debate an issue that is very close to your heart while dealing with an opponent who is attacking everything that makes you YOU, this just opens the floor to stuff that just cannot, no matter how much either one would like to, be taken back. Forgiven maybe, but never forgotten. Then the fights start to come a little more often, take a little longer to resolve, be a little more vicious each time, till both parties are just miserable. So I don't fight. Those of you who know me, I'm not a crier either. Or so I thought. Things like this have a way of effecting changes that would not otherwise occur.
Why do opposites attract? G and I are so completely opposite in every way, yet somehow we managed to hit it off - you name it, we'll disagree on it. But at least we were willing to try and see it from the other person's point of view. But when, about 8 months and a lifetime later, I'm told that "NO, you can't think like that, it's just not the way the world works, that's not interesting at all, you need to conform more and make other people like you, just accept it, don't question it," I think that's where I draw the line.
"But can we still be friends?" Mmmm...I like salt, just not in my wounds. I could never understand why this concept, admirable as it is, was so difficult to accomplish, especially after a longer relationship. I could never understand why it didn't work, why one or the other had to be so uncooperative. You had something good going on, didn't you? Don't force them to do something they don't want to do, just keep it on good terms, be amicable, don't lose a friend. But...when to see or talk to that now-friend is just a reminder that somehow, in some way, you're *just not good enough*...it hurts. To willing give yourself completely, heart, mind, and soul, into someone else's hands, then have them take it and keep it for awhile, then give it back and move on to other interests while you watch...it hurts. To honestly be able to see yourself with that person 2 or 5 or 10 years down the road, and maybe beyond, and share that with them, just to have them inwardly cringe and slowly back off...it hurts. To share your innermost being with that person, removing all the masks that we usually wear with most other people in our lives, and be told they don't like what they see...it hurts. To be happy enough to want to make a long-distance relationship work, it's not that hard really, and seeing the other person digging in their heels a little harder with every passing day and week...it hurts. And to be reminded of this every single time you see them...fucking eh. Some friend.
Am I being over-dramatic in saying all of this? Am I analyzing too deeply? Is it really so simple, just being friends? I believe that to love someone, whether as friend or more than that, is to accept everything about them and respect them enough to inform them how you feel if something is off. To love someone is to not try and change them (as opposed to try and not change them) - you can't "help" someone who doesn't want to be, and you can't "correct" someone who honestly believes they've done nothing wrong.
And having said this, I will keep reminding myself, as Andrea and Heather have, that if he is not willing or able to love me for what I am, there are others who will.
Still, it doesn't make it hurt any less.