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User Journal

Journal Journal: How it came to a end 2

Wow. My marriage is over. What a feeling of relife. Well sort of. It ended well. well at least for me. I felt good about the outcome at least. I felt like I gave her a good deal, and came out a very nice guy, while still getting everything I wanted.

I basically only made her responsible for around 2k worth of 11k of total debt. I also suspended my alimony towards her, while dealing with the debt. I think things are very good.

I was very gernourous too, because I allowed her to stay on my health insurance until march, and agreed to pay for the majority of my daughters perscription costs.

Here's the cool part. it all felt so good. Like I was actually becoming a good person again. Something that sometimes I lacked for a while. Actually I belive that I was a good person for a while, but sometimes its easy to question that.

So my marrige is over. Which leads me to the conclusion that I can now offically date Kim.

Whohoo! that is so awsome. She is so wonderful. Seriously. For the slashdot crowd, here is a description. Imagine Sandra Bullock. Add a tan, and talent. Bam, there's kim. She is so sweet too. SEriously, I dont know why I never found a girl like this before. I mean, I seriously feel like i just hit three 7's, because I think I hit the jackpot here.

I mean, she's even good around my kid. She's willing to deal with Donna even. No one wants to deal with Donna. Not even me. I do because I have to.

Speaking of my kid, she's doing really good. They moved her insulin over to Lantis and humalog, and so now she has to have several shots a day. More like 4. but she dosent really complain too much. She has to have her blood sugar checked several times a day too. Like 10. Btu thats okay, whatever we have to do to make sure that she is healthy. She dosent even feel the arm pricks really. Dosent complain. she's a normal little kid really. Shes starting to puller herself up, crawl everywhere. talking, lots of dadadA'S and bababbaas. just a sweetheart. I realyl love being a parent.

But things are good. Things are happy. Which is great. I'm gaining a little too much weight, which inst good. I really need to watch it. but its like latley I have no self control. I actualyl want to exersize too, btu man, i'm getting so fat. I wouldnt be too surprised if i was approching 250. 220 is a good weight for me. i need to get a scale.

well thats all for now. sometimes is as if I have nothing to write about. I need to write more.

User Journal

Journal Journal: Type 1 diabetes or Insulin Dependant or Juvenile Diabetes 1

Yes, I know all of these are the same things. I actually know quite a bit about Diabetes. You see,I went to school for Clinical Labratory Sciences, so I know quite a bit about diabetes. Donna, my Ex, is also type 1 diabetic. So is my Father. And now, my 9 month old daughter is one as well.

It all Started somewhere between tuesday and thursday. Whe I had her Wednesday night, she was feeling terrible, caughing so hard she couldnt sleep, and kept me up all night.

Then thursday rolls around, and I get a call from Donna, saying that she is taking Jessica to the hospital. Say's that she still has the cough, and the doctor said to take her in if the cough lasted through the night.

So I call, and ask how she's doing, and was told that they were going to give her some Tylenol and send her home

Good thing they did a blood test

She had a blood glucose level of 1400+. She was also suffering from ketoacidosis. She was then life flighted to Oakland Childrens Hospital.

I was in shock really. Kinda a bit between tears and disbelife. Trying to find out a reason this happened. Trying to blame it on steroids that she might of taken for her cough, or just anything else.

Just not diabetes.

My Dad has had Diabetes since he was 14, I've lived with it my entire life through him. The shots, the poor circulation, the low blood sugars, and loss of sight. Diabetics have a hard life. I certainly dont want a life like that for my daughter.

So devoid on sleep, I stayed with Jessica, all that day, all that next night, getting only catnaps really. running 48+ hours with goobs of stress will get one sick. I am still sick.

I finally went home, and Donna took over staying with Jessica. Wow, was I ever tired. Sunday I headed back to Oakland and stayed with Jessica again. By sunday, she was getting back to her old self. Playful, laughing and smiling, just alot of fun.

Except when she has to get shots. She of course cannot understand what we are doing, and does not like it. I really think that she hates being held down more than anything. Well, holding down her leg that is.

And of course, we have to test her blood sugar. More times i have to make my daughter bleed. hear her cry. I think thats the part that I hate the most.

I also hate the fact that my daughter, my straight out gerber baby, perfect baby, the baby every parent dreams about has to take shots the rest of her life. That really sucks.

We were relesed by monday, nearly a record for parents. But Donna and I were very well versed in diabetes, so it worked out well. Now her blood sugars are under control, and she's feeling well. Its just nice to have a healthy baby again. Thats what matters most.

After this weekend adventure, i am truly beat. Thank goodness for sick time.

User Journal

Journal Journal: interesting week 4

well, I've been meaning to write in my old journal for a few days now, and its dead at work, so I decided to do it.

First things, I just found out, from unnamed sources that Donna is seeing someone. Ronnie is his name. Thats about all I know. You know what, I should feel all hurt, and stuff or whatever, but really I dont. Kinda surprised, and I guess I feel like one is supposed to, but I'm glad for her, if she found someone she can be with.

Of course I know Donna, and she probadly found a great guy, but will sabotage it in some way. Thats her thing I guess.

Really, she's gonna end up with someone who abuses the crap out of her, just like her mom did. Thats what I expect. I swear, if she ever puts my child in that sort of situation, i wont stand for it. I would already take full custody if at all possible, and something like that would gaurentee it. I would never want that for my daughter however, nor would I ever want to have her apart from her mother. Her lifes hard enough already.

If anyone ever hurts my daughter, i'll hurt them. Thats a promise.

You know what, I just want the best for Donna. I gave her my all, and I have nothing to regret. When you give everythign you have, there is no doubt, no whatif's. Only certainty that you did your best, and you still failed. Kinda a bit sad to know that when you belive you can do anything, that there is something you couldnt do, not matter what you did. But I've accepted that. Really, I hope she does well, and i hope the best for her.

There's alot of things that I could say, in anger. I really try not to be angry anymore. If anything, its just cynicism. And I guess thats better than anger. Eventually that will go away as well. We can only be good through god. I need to do that more I guess. I know. ok, now to other things. I finished rebuilding my Honda 90. Damn thing smokes. Dang it. But hey hey, no leaks! Thats good. So now I just have to fix a exause leak, and I'll have a honda 90, with built in Smoke screen.

I got a power chip for my car, and installed it. It was pretty easy. I havent noticed a difference. I guess it wouldnt be alot, its not like I have a turbo anymore.

Now kim. Things are great between us. We're both so in love with each other. Its crazy, cause it was so quick. But we really want to do this right. According to the state of California I'm techinically married still. I dont feel like it. I shouldnt. I'm not. I'm really not married.

So I talked to my pastor yesterday about the whole me dating kim thing. He assured me that I was still married. What I want to know is, how does god look at it. I have a hard time beliving that God goes by the state of California. I mean, obviously god denounces divorce, so probadly no one knows. But when does it make it right to be really serious with Kim(not that we arnt pretty serious now). But officially.

You know, i should of expected it from my pastor, I mean, i should of known what he was going to say. That I should just be friends with kim until my divorce, that right now I'm on the rebound, and just all sorts of stuff like that. Thats the kind of things pastors say. He doesent want to see me hurt again, and he certainly dosent want to see Kim hurt.

Kims also a leader in my church. So even the appearance that we're together could be very bad. Because most of the church has no clue that I'm divorced. So the appearance is that she's seeing romantically a married man. yea, that looks bad.

But here's the thing, I've never felt since day 1 that I was married anymore. I've never felt wrong, or bad about seeing Kim. Surprised, maybe a little, but that was just because I had such a amazing girl whom was crazy for me.

You know, seriously, I know with Kim, I can do it right. I can do our relationship right. And in a couple years, who knows what will happen. I may just find myself married again. Thats how good Kim is. She's good for me.

I just want to do this right. You know. I dont want to lose this one. I've had a good girl before, one that I really regretted losing. I hope that I can do this right, and not ever lose kim. She's really that good.

I guess I'm going to go, but I feel like there is just so much more to say. later.

User Journal

Journal Journal: Kim, Donna, Yosemite, and Sore ribs

Wow, what a week. I went from being good friends with kim, to being better friends. Spent tons of time with her, and became very close. I really do love her already. Scary. Also, I got into some Drama with Donna, who insists that the 900 I give her every month is not enough for her to support our daughter. My ribs are killing me, after being flung from a jetski at 50 MPH. And they only see to be getting worse. I also, was lucky enough to go to Yosimite yesterday, I took a vacation day. Wow, what a pretty place.

So yea, Kim and I. Man, she is so special. The kind of girl you keep. And I dont get why, but she adores me. Just lucky I guess. I ended up kissing her last week, even though we shouldnt have, and we're holding hands, and doing couple things. Things I really like to do. She makes me feel so good. I hope that I'm always ok for her, cause she is so worth any hardships that I have to go thorough to get her. Its like when we're together, we never run out of things to talk about, we always have fun, and are just so close to each other. What a special woman.

Then there's the old ex, Donna. Man, that woman just needs more and more money. Now, instead of paying off bills with her part of the income tax, she's going to go out any buy stuff for Jessica. Well, I do give her 900 a month, just to take care of my daughter(which I would gladly do given the oppertunity). But she needs more. Thats one thing about her, she cant manage money worth a darn. But you know what, I'm turning over a new leaf. I'm not longer going to be mad. I'm not going to be hateful, spiteful or anythign like that. I'm even going to try not to curse. I'm just going to live my life the best I can, and pray for her. Thats all I can possibly do.

So yea, i'm sore. Not much to write about that. I do know that every hug I get, I grimace. ouch!

Well, i also had a blast yesterday going to Yosimite. I went with Kim, Jesse, and Tiffany. Talk about pretty. They had half of the park close still though, so there wasnt as much to do. So after noon, we decided to run to tahoe, which was a 3 hour trip from there. But we made it in time to watch the sun set and enjoy each others company. Kim and I we're really close on this trip. So close in fact, that I'm excited so much to see where this will go, because I coudl imagine myself with her for a long long time. I'm not going to rush into anything, but It could be so easy. We also stopped by Lake Alpine, on our way to tahoe, and looked at the frozen over lake and played in the snow. That was awsome.

Wow, i just realized that I wrote that I love Kim. Well I do. Its crazy, cause it happened so quick, but you know what. THats the way its supposed to happen. Its supposed to hit you on the side of the head, unexpectdly like a ton of bricks. Thats what makes its special. I just thank my stars, every night that a girl like that would go for a guy like me. Lucky me I guess.

anywho, enough rambling, gonna go work.

User Journal

Journal Journal: I dont think it will be easy

So kim and I are going to be just friends. for a while. Until I'm legally divorced, and we feel ready (and or a unspecified amount of time). This is a mutual agreement, that actually now that I read it sounds alot worse than it is.

The fact of the matter is that we are both crazy for each other. We constantly smile when we talk to each other, and really, if we had the choice would be around each other all the time. Really, I find myself wanting to know more and more about her every day, and wanting to get to be with her.

Thats the hard part. Because of this self imposed restriction on dating, or doing anything that is like dating, or reciving any benifits from dating, we're basically just limiting ourselves to being friends. Thats hard, because she absolutly drives me bonkers. And from what I can tell, I do the same to her. I want to spend more time with her, and do more things with her, and just be with her.

So if I'm able to do that, will we remain just friends, until whatever unspecified date. I really dont know. I know she drives me crazy. I know that I really want to hang out with her. I know that she digs the heck out of me.

Obviously a big part of it is the divorce. Thats a big no no. I mean, spiritually, and mentally, I'm already divorced, just not legally. So we wait. Still hard. And then afterwars we'll wait till unspecified time. And that will be hard, because basically, I already wish I could show affection to her.

And then the sensible part of me rushes in....

Its really not that long of a time in the grand scheme of things, and when it does happen, you'll know where its going for sure, because you will know each other. She's a sweet, goregous, smart, funny, thoughful girl well worth the wait, and she wants you too. Just do this right Daniel, and you'll be happy. Dont be too overzealous and screw this up. This is something I so dont want to screw up

I'm just a worrier. Its funny, I could completly be worrying about something, and Kim is so uber cool that its not even a big deal to her. I could get used to that. Worry less. That'd be nice. Anywho, gonna go.

User Journal

Journal Journal: lotsa personal stuff this time. 2

whoa what a weekend. I'm starting to question how much personal stuff I should aire here on good old Slashdot. I dont have anythign to hide, but certain other parties may not want things known in public knowledge. Then again, who'd guess that my blog is on slashdot. I guess you'd have to either be my ex, or one of my really good friends. I guess if it ever becomes a problem, the other parties I'm sure will be sure to tell me.

So saturday was actually slow. I was sick, and just played with my baby all day. Just me and her. She seems to get tired of daddy's antics after 9 hours straight. But I was sick. No rest for the weary I guess. then came the realyl good day.

So sunday rolls around. I get up around 7:30 with jess, feed her, play, whatever, get ready for church, get her ready for church, go to church. Well Donna Hijacked Jessica for all of church, but thats okay, because I miss her after so many hours away.

My friends from church came over around 4pm, and we watched seargent York, as planned and had a lasagna dinner. Kim and I were flirting the whole time, bumping into each other, arms touching, feet touching. After the movie was finished she went out on the balcony and was just looking, so I followed her. Its was sunset, and just had the total potential to be totally romantic.

ok, now some explination. Kim and I have decided, even though we are both very interested in each other that we wait until my divorce is final. This is mostly a moral issue. And more for her, because in my head and my heart I am divorced. I really dont want her to do anything that she could regret. Now back to my story

So were sitting there on the balcony and I was flirting with her, you know the kinda thing. She says how beautiful it is out there, and i look right at her and say, "yes, it is". That kinda stuff. Well, i asked her what she was thinking, and she straight out says, "You dont know how much I've wanted to kiss you all night." Whohoo! Man, made me feel giddy. I've never had a reaction like that from a woman. Ever. And Kim is such a catch. I didnt kiss her though.

And right now anyone who really gives a darn is going "WHAT!@!@@#!@#" I told her that I really would like to kiss her too, but I didnt want to do anything that she would regret. I told her that I wasnt in a hurry and that in a couple of quick months we wouldnt have to worry about it. These are her wishes, and they are fine with me.

okay, actually at this point, the little head in my voice was like "I'm DOING WHAT!?!?". A definite change of pace for me. But it felt good. ALmost like I was doing the right thing. I respect her so much that I did the right thing. Wow.

So anyways, i couldnt sleep most the night thinking abouther, and woke up in the middle of the night. Man I'm crazy for her, and it gets worse every time I see her. Time will tell if we can make it 2 months without things happening. At this rate I dont think we will, but I still want her to be sure if she does decided to go to that next level.

User Journal

Journal Journal: whohoo, things is good.

Well, i'll get to the good things in a minute. I want to go over the bad things. Poo. I'm sick. Some kind of sore thoat thingie. It sucks. I feel like poo. And I'm at work. And I wanna go home. Worse thing is that I wont have time to get any better, since i have jessica all weekend, and so i wont slow down. I need to rest. maybe I'll invite my mom over so I can rest. I dunno.

I'm supposed to go DJing with my brother in law tommorrow, but I think I'm going to cancel, and try to rest. Man I dont feel good. I need to get better by sunday though

Sunday Jesse, Jesse's girlfriend Tiffany, and Kim are coming over. We're gonna watch a classic movie called Seargent York. Its a old movie with gary cooper, a true story about a WWI soldier who deals with moral issues of war, and in the end becomes a hero. It actually won several Acadamy awards in 194x, or whatever year it was made. It is a old one. We're gonna do lunch, and watch movies. This is actually really cool and exciting for me, becuase I get to hang out with kim.

Kim is the girl. I Like her so much. SEriously. Last night we went to modesto, the group of us and i just so enjoyed hanging out with her. We walked together, and talked the whole time. She's just so nice.

You know, I've looked for things in women, and always comprimised in some qualities I like, for a few others I like. I've never met someone who so fully appears to be on the same page as I. And for us to have a interest in each other. Man, I really dont know what to equate it to. I just know that around her, i feel my happiest, next to being with my kid of course. But its a different type of happy. Almost giddy.

So last night was really good, I'm looking forward to a good weekend. If I could just kick this cold, and get healthy it will be. I'm stoked.

I actually have a few trips planned for this summer with this group. The first one is in 2 weeks. Its been a few years since I've been up to yosimite, so all 4 of us are going to hop in a car, and go up for a day. probadly be very tiring. And then in July, we're going to go up to Lake Alpine.

This is my first big vacation in a while. We're going camping for like 5 days, and it will be so much fun. We're gonna have 2 honda 90's, a jeep and a truck. I plan on tons of hiking, four wheeling, two wheeling, and swimming. CAmp fires, singing cumbaya, etc. I'm looking forward to that trip so much. Nothing like relaxing. I also think that Kim and I will have a oppertunity to grow closer on that trip. I'm really looking forward to that oppertunity.

A update on my oracle install. STill stalled. Doh! The programmers are taking a look at it. Also, the honda 90 has stalled. I took apart the head and the valves have grooved deep into the head, nessesitatinng a trip to the machine shop. joy. Anywho, i better get. I feel giddy.

User Journal

Journal Journal: I friggin hate Oracle, and mindless ramblings

Ok, I barley know it, but its such a biotch to install. ARghh. I cant get the thing to install off the network, so I have to go and track down a disk. Just dandy. I hate oracle.

ok, well with that I just tired to go find a disk. And I did! whohoo. Yawn. I'm tired.

But you know what, at the same time I'm extremly excited. Well, about that girl. I seriously forgot how good it felt to be in that infatuated state, where you just yearn to be with a person. Hard part with this girl is that I of course have to take it way way slow, because basically my divorce isnt final yet. Man, I really thought I was going to take a break, but I guess that wasnt in the cards.

Actually when it comes to relationships, I think i constantly worry about screwing up when I really like the person. I hope I dont do that. THats the nice thing about this girl, is that we've known each other for a while, so we know who we are. Its neat. I really dont think we could be alone for a long amount of time, well until my divorce is final. I think it would lead to a good amount of...mnnn...single people happenings.

Man, I dig her so much. She's out of town right now, but the other night, we talked on the phone for around a hour, and I just loved it. I always worry about running out of things to talk about. If I dont think about that, I wont, but If I do, always I'll freeze up. Thats bad. Feels totally uncomphy. I guess if your with the right girl you wont have any problem talking. I think when you are with someone, its the best thing to be their best friend. I've always thought that. I dont think I was my last couple relationship's best friend. I think i'm going to go back to that policy.

I dont know why, but I'm just excited. Its just been constantly bubbling up in me.

Oh, I took apart my Honda 90 Yesterday. I've never rebuilt a head, but my dad said that he'd help me. He's done a gazillion of them. So we're going to clean it up, and grind the valves, hone the cylinder, and totally rebuild the head. Ought to be a good thing. If I can get that bike running happy, that will be one of my goals this summer. Then I can get 100 MPG in style. Whohoo!

User Journal

Journal Journal: The Story of a Trail 90

ok, so this isnt going to be a long story or even a interesting one. I have a 1970ish Honda Trail 90. The thing is a billy goat, or least it was until I rebult it. Now the damn thing, when it runs, sputters oil out the tailpipe and smokes like a sith.

Well, either the rings are fried(only 200 miles on them), or I have a stuck valve with a bad valve seal. I go for the latter, because the engine produced a squeaking sound like air escaping form the combustion chanber. So my dad was nice enough the buy me a rebuld kit. I'll rebuild my first head soon. Thats actually exciting. I love doing new things with engines.

My trail 90 is so freaking cool. I swear, I can get that thing up to 50mph, and it will go up just about any hill you throw at it. I've taked it to Lake Alpine, in Alpine county CA several times, and conqured sevral offroad trails and climbs. It just kept going. Now it still runs. but terribly.

I got my trail 90 several years ago. I saw it on yahoo classifieds for 400 dollars (when yahoo classifieds were still free). I took a drive up highway 80, rode it around and bought it. Man, I was happy. My dad had 2 of these while I was growing up, and I had vivid memories of riding it when i was only 4. Actually I was really close to driving it. Or at least I thoguth so. Honda Trail 90's were in my family since the 70's. My parents owning several of them. Heck, even my mom used to drive one around.

So now I have a goal. I will fix my 90, and get it pristine again, as it deserves to be. I will stop the oil leaks, and treat it right. It will no longer burn smoke, and it will once again be the billy goat that it yearns to be.

User Journal

Journal Journal: holy smokes!!! 2

ok, this is going to be quick and dirty, because basically, I really need to go to bed. Basically, I decided in the last week on a girl to have a crush on. A fairly accessable girl, and I mean, the WHOLE package. Probadly everything I have ever looked for in a woman. I've known this woman for a few years, and gotton to know her. She's very pretty, has a great personality, is spirtually insync with my belifes, I mean, has alot of the same views, and tons more. I mean the WHOLE freaking package. I've thought this girl was really great, even before my marriage ended.

Cut to the chase. i'm already holding hand with her. Yowza! I never would of thought a girl like this was in my league. I mean, I'm a pretty overwieght geek(230lbs). But somehow, i'm already holding hands again. I really dont get it. I dont ever have much problem with women. I guess thats good. But this is just so amazing. I cant even type I'm thinking so fast. I mean, My heart was beating so fast, I thought it would jump out of my chest. Wow, i forgot how good it felt to feel this way. Man I dont know what to think.

more details to come, but right now, I dont wanna let any cats out of the bag. Lets just say, she holds hands better than anyone else ever has...

User Journal

Journal Journal: I really dont know how to feel right now, sad i gess 2

I just saw my daughter, while I was at work none the less. Its the last time I will be able to see her for over a week. That really sucks. I already miss her. Seeing her precious face, and just holding her, just makes it totally appearent how much I have fallen for my child. Really, its the hardest hit one can take. Harder than any punch, harder than anything I have ever felt. So yea, I'm not going to be able to see her for a week.

I guess a week isnt that long of a time, but It totally sucks, cause I usually see her at the longest every 3 days. Right now my schedule with her is the first third and forth weekend of every month. Every wednesday, and the mondays after the second weekend. Its really not alot of time. I regret not getting more, but I guessed I tried all I could.

I know one thing for certain, and I'm not going to give this point up ever. I will get joint custody. No doubt about it. I will fight until I get it. I've told donna, and have made no secret of it. Dads now adays are more often than not too reluctant to do things like this. I dont know why. i guess some just get tired. I'm really tired, but I will nto give up. Personal life you say? Well let me tell you something. If there's a woman, and she cant deal with my kids, to hell with her. My child is a part of my life, and if someone is going to be in my life, my child and me are a package. Simple. Someday in the future, I'll be able to take my kid camping, hiking, four wheeling, computer geeking, and all that. I dont know what people mean by social life. Of course they are thinkign of the rave croud, and doing things that arnt appropiate for children. Well I dont do those things anyways. I'M A GEEK!!!! Anywho, at work. gonna go. Make /homer> lunch...mmmnnn...lunch /homer

User Journal

Journal Journal: A Thread for Flamesplash 1

so I read the book. You know what. Its right. If we want to do something, or feel a certain way, we will. If I want to feel miserable, i will. If I want to feel board I will. If I want to feel Happy, then I will. Thank you so much for recomending that book to me. I think I'm going to read it again, so I can pick out the subtle details.
User Journal

Journal Journal: Learning to live again 1

You know, something happened tonight, that made me reminess on my relationships thoguhout my somewhat short life. Mistakes I've made, hearts I've broken, and my broken hearts. ACtually, only one had been on my mind this evening. Michelle, chelle for short.

The skinny of it. I cheated on Michelle for Donna. I did. There was no justifying that. and the I left chelle for Donna. Chelle had it hard up for me. I really fucked her over. I broke a heart, like it meant nothing. Every day of my life, my soul has aches from that. I dont know why. Its been nearly 3 years. well maybe 2. I really dont know. Time no longer has value. Through this entire relationship with donna, its so strange. I never stopped loving chelle. I dont know why. I kept it bottled in, and ignored it, but it proves more true today as it did months ago. How can you cheat on someone you love?

That is a fantastic question. The answer. I dont know. I did. I dont know why. I had a great girlfriend in Michelle. Actually, I really do think that she had the potential to be more than a girlfriend. She would of been a life partner. Like Heidi would of(another ex). She had her issues, like everyone, btu I guess they really look moot. She was very nice, very not needy, very sensitive to my needs.

Why was i so unhappy that I went somewhere else...for sex none the less. I dont know.

Its gotton to the point where, i hope and pray that someday we may become friends again. I would love to see what kind of adult she has blossomed into. I get general idea's from her blog. But I still want to be her friend.

here's a problem. When and IF(and trust me, a huge if) we become friends again, do I apologize profusly like i've been dying to do over the last few years? Or if we do become friends, does that symbolize that she is over the atrocities that I have done to her, and its ok, dont bring up the past. I feel like I owe her something. a Offering of sorts. I dont know what.

I guess she dosent need people like me in her life. To her, i was a backstabber, and I wouldnt want to be with a backstabber. I really dont know. Anyways, just food for thought. Its really bedtime. Chelle, if somehow you find this, and read it, I'm sorry. I always have been. I've now died, and I'm learning to live again.

Good night.

User Journal

Journal Journal: A long overdue update 2

Well Life for me has been sporatic. Not that life itself is sporatic, because if it was you would be dead. I guess I should start with a update. I'm getting a Divorce. InFact, its close to being final. She hardly let me see my kid for a month as we both filed for custody. Well as all things go in California, I didnt get custody. I got descent visitation though. It was funny, the counciler person that was assigned to us, wouldnt let either of us get in a word either way. But it ended up ok for me, better for her. I also have to giver her 900 dollars a month. That hurts.

I do have to say, that I've started the process of getting over her. I've actually been pretty good. I've never had a problem getting women, and now that I'm single, that addage will hold up. But all in all, I'm doing good. The money thing is almost worked out, i get to see my kid every weekend and wednesday. It goes up in a month too. Still, it will be tough. I will fight for eventual joing custody.

I do belive that I'm doing a good job being a single dad. I take my responcibility very seriously. Basically my life revolves around my daughter. There is no self want, or need that is more important than her.

When I was fighting for custody, I wrote out a couple page speech, or diatribe if you will of how I felt, and why I was the parent to get custody. It turns out that it was never read at all, never needed to be. I'll end up posting that letter as a journal entry. I figure someone should read it.

So lifes good. I'm adjusting to living alone, however the single life, well I'm just not all that good at that.

On another note, i evacuated the last of my stuff from the 'ranch', it was a trying experiance. Looking at my life, or what used to be my life, remember the memories, good and bad, its hard. You know what I still dont understand, is how a couple can completly love each other, and somehow, just fall out. It wasnt anything either of us did. It just happened. Sure, some things in Donna's quality of character, well they need working on, but we all have faults. I know my inability to not love her contributed greatly to our demise. But thats all in the past as they say.

I guess I'm still getting over her. The truth is, that I loved her very very much, and still do in my way. I know that every time I see her I just cant stop staring. I know that will pass. Just like everything else. I dont think I'm going to be very good with other relationships until I do get over that. Another strange thing is how angry I get. I get so worked up about her. I guess its all part of the phases one goes through when they mourn a loss. And I'm definitly still mourning.

I'm reading a book, a fellow slashdotter told me about, called illusions: The adventures of a reluctant Messiah. Its so far a very good book, but I'm only to chapter 6. I find myself, trying to equate my life to this book, but so far alls I can pick out is that you are dealt a hand of cards sometimes, and your only option is to play them out. I know this book will give me tons of insight.

I've really been thinking about going and seeing a counciler, because I still feel broken. From the night of the 23rd of December until now, i'm still broken. But you know the positive, is that I'm healing. I can tell. I'm getting better. Life goes on whether I complain about it or not. So I try to make the best of it.

I guess what I'm learning is that I just need to be myself, and be the Dan. Not what she wants me to be, not what anyone wants me to be, what I want to be. I'm getting better. And thats what matters.

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"All we are given is possibilities -- to make ourselves one thing or another." -- Ortega y Gasset