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Journal FortKnox's Journal: BBSpot, And Fill in a Joke Here - 9

The comment about misspelling MS Windows has inspired the creative part of my brain, and I wrote a satire piece for BBSpot. I'm not gonna post it (I didn't think it was funny, but everything I write for humor, I never think is funny and others usually find it hilarious). Anyway, if its posted (which will mean its funny to someone), I'll point you to it.

To avoid your questions, how about everyone reply to this JE with their favorite joke to lighten today up?

Here's a starter:
A guy walks into a traditional bar and orders a drink. Being down on his luck and a little frustrated with life, he begins to talk with the bartender. As he's talking, a monkey that was sitting on top piano jumps down onto the bar, and begins taking a leak in the mans beer.
The man notices the monkey, grabs the bartender by the collar and shouts, "What the hell is this? I'm gonna pound you for your damn monkey!"
The bartender quickly replies, "Woo there, lad. This monkey isn't mine, its the pianists!"
So the man walks over to the pianist, who is playin a tune, and shouts "Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer?!?"
The pianist replies, "No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll try to fake it."

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BBSpot, And Fill in a Joke Here -

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  • 3 men stand in front of St Peter and the gates of heaven.
    St Peter looks down at them, and sheepishly says, "Heaven's been a bit busy, and behind the times. I cannot let you in heaven, because we haven't seen the last 30 minutes of your lives... but... if you were to fill them in..."

    The first man steps up and says, "Well, I had been under the assumption that my wife was cheating on me, so, this morning, I decided to come home early (to our 14th floor apartment) and see what she was up to. When I came in the door, she was naked on the bed, but there was no man to be seen. Suddenly, there was a hollar out on the balcony, and a man, scantily clad, was dangling off the ledge, obviously afraid I'd find him. I was so enraged that I went to the kitchen, picked up the fridge, walked it to the balcony and dropped it on his head, causing him to fall. The stress of the fridge was too much for my body, and I had a heart attack and died."

    The second man glared at the first, turned to st peter and said, "Well, I was on the balcony of my 15th floor apartment doing my regular exercise routine, when suddenly, I slipped and fell off the edge. Luckily I was fast enough to catch myself on the balcony right below mine. I yelled for help, a man came over, mummbled something under his breath, left, and the next thing I know, there's a fridge falling on my head!"

    St Peter was a bit distraught at what the two men explained to him, but before talking to them looked at the third man and asked his story...
    The third man said, "OK, get this... I was hiding, naked, in a refridgerator..."
  • This was the best one on alt.tasteless.jokes over the weekend.

    Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

    His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

    One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

    "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

    " Oh, Bill, you didn't."

    "Yes, I did."

    "My God, Bill, what happened?"

    "I got fired."

    "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

    "Oh...she got fired too."

  • These aren't my favorite jokes, but they are pretty funny.

    Adam and Eve

    One Day Adam was walking in the garden talking with God about his life when it suddenly occurred he needed to ask about a few of his wife's personality traits.

    Hey Lord, I really dig this lady Eve that you made for me, but I have to ask you a question. Why'd you make her so cuddly?

    And the Lord answered him "Why, Adam, I made her cuddly so you would want to hug her."

    "Fair enough," Adam replied, "But why then did you make her so beautiful?"

    "Easy," God answered, "I wanted to make sure that you would be attracted to her."

    "Wow. Thanks. All right then, why did you make her so dumb?" Adam asked.

    "So she would like you."

    About Jesus

    Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9."

    The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, "What on earth does Jesus mean - 'the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9?'"

    Peter said, "Don't worry, guys. It's just another one of his parabolas."

  • A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume. The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral. The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.


    I just found this especially funny this weekend because I did a fairly involved calculation and then found out that the value I wanted was located in the "Steam Tables" in the back of my book. :)

    For more jokes, especially if you're into Aussie/Kiwi jokes, try this [] Kuro5hin article if you haven't already read it.
  • A wealthy man is on his deathbed, and having no heirs, calls his priest, his lawyer, and the neighborhood rabbi to his side. He tells them, "I've got no one to leave my money to, so I'm taking it all with me. You are to each recieve 1/3 of my estate, and you are to bury it with me when I die. I've called you all in to keep an eye on each other."

    The man soon dies, and the priest, rabbi, and lawyer gather at his funeral. They gather around the casket and they each have an envelope to put inside to be buried forever.

    The priest then says, "I have a confession to make. Our orphanage is short of funds this month, so I took $5,000 and donated it to them.".

    The rabbi also has a confession: "Our temple was vandalized recently. I took $10,000 out of the inheritance for repairs."

    Then the lawyer pipes up: "Shame on both of you. Here you are, the so-called trusted religious leaders of our community, while I have to deal with slander on a daily basis. I have here in this envelope a check for the entire amount."

  • go hunting one evening. After walking throught the woods for a few hours they come apon a beautiflu deer. The first one says, "I got it" raises his bow, and fires an arrow. Unfortunately, the arrow zips into a tree 10 feet to the left of the deer. The second quickly raises his bow and fires an arrow, his hitting a tree 10 feet to the right of the deer. The third statistics major jumps up and down shouting "We got it!! We got it!!".


    Did you hear the one about the canible that dumped his girlfriend?

    Think abot it for a second...

  • There was this guy sitting on a park bench muttering to himself and spitting. He would mutter, then spit, mutter, then spit, he would say, "Damn, that son of a bitch can drive", then spit, "Damn, that son of a bitch can drive", then spit, "Damn that son of a bitch can drive", then spit.

    A man sits down next to him and asks him, "What's going on here? You keep saying, 'Damn that son of a bitch can drive', then you spit".

    "Well", says the guy, "My friend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say sure, why not?
    He picks me up and we drive up to the mountains. After we have lunch, we start back down the Mountain and his brakes go out!! He's pumping the pedal, and nothing!! So now we're picking up speed and the road is all twisty and curvy.
    We're going faster and faster and it's hard to stay on the road. I've got my fingers embedded in the dashboard, and I'm pleading with him to do something!!
    We're going about 90 mph now, with a sheer cliff on our right, a 500 foot drop on the other side, an 18 wheeler right on our ass, and an overturned motor home right in front of us. Well, I figure this is it! I just knew we were gonna die! So I turn to him and said... 'Buddy, if you can get us outta this, I'll give you the best damn blow job you've ever had!'"
    He paused. Then spit. "DAMN, THAT SON OF A BITCH CAN **DRIVE**!!"

  • The comment about misspelling MS Windows has inspired the creative part of my brain

    Cooo, I clicked on your signature and found a comment about me :o)

    Anyway, here's a joke for you - it's not that great:

    A man and his wife are in court getting a divorce. The problem was who should get custody of the child. The wife Jumped up an said: 'Your Honour. I brought the child into the world with pain an labour. She should be in my custody.
    The Judge turns to the husband and says ' What do you have to say in your defence? The man sat for a while contemplating.. then slowly rose.

    'You're Honour. If I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Pepsi comes out..

    whose Pepsi is it.. the machine's or mine?

Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.