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User Journal

Journal Journal: WWSD 9

On our way out of town on Wednesday, Tom and I saw what I was certain was a crazy girl standing in Central Square, wearing next to nothing, holding a sign reading "Need $ for boob job". We figured it was a dare or a sorority prank.

I'm an avid farker. I check fark about 6,000 times a day. Fark gave me my answer.

http://www-tech.mit.edu/V125/N57/DM0557.html

In other news, for the last several days, I've changed my philosophy from "Say what you want, when you want" to "WWSD". WWSD stands for What Would Solemn Do. It started when Tom's mother expressed disgust at the sweater I intended to wear to Thanksgiving dinner and picked out and purchased a new one for me. My first instinct was to be offended and bitchy about it. But just before I let loose, I thought "Hmm. That's never gotten me anywhere. What would Solemn do?" I smiled, thanked her graciously, and wore the sweater to thanksgiving dinner. Instead of having my boyfriend's mother hate me for being rude, she likes me, and I have a pretty new sweater. All I had to do to get the pretty sweater was smile and wear it.

The same philosophy works well with other things. Instead of being angry that I can't have sticky buns, I can learn to make my OWN sticky buns. Instead of being an outright bitch to the plethora of girls in Doylestown, PA who made it blatantly clear over the Thanksgiving holiday that they want my boyfriend and are not happy to meet me, I smiled, took his hand and held my head up high. With a particularly determined girl, i just reached over and played with Tom's hair while conversing with her about Universities in North Carolina in a natural tone of voice. It is quite possible to say "MY BOYFRIEND" without being confrontational. The added bonus of this is that no one can say "Tom, your girlfriend is a bitch," because I wasn't!

So yes. I think WWSD is a fine philosophy to keep my big mouth from getting me in trouble, and maybe a little healthier too. So thanks, Solemn!
User Journal

Journal Journal: Meh 1

The family visiting for Thanksgiving isn't going to happen. Trmj's boss royally SCREWED him on his last paycheck, and there's just no way. Honestly, at this point even rent is questionable, much less a trip. Christmas is probably not going to happen either. I am not going to cry. I swear.
User Journal

Journal Journal: Memes are crack

You people and your memes. They're like crack. STOP IT. 1. Name someone with the same birthday as you. John Quincy Adams. EB White. Georgio Armani
2. Where was your first kiss? The courtyard of my middle school on the last day of 8th grade.
3. Have you ever seriously vandalized someone else's property? My high school pal Mindy and I peed on her boyfriend's car seat at a party when we caught him there with another girl. For the record, this was 9 years ago.
4. Have you ever hit someone of the opposite sex? The last time Boone hit me, I hit back. Also, my brothers.
5. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people? There were about 80 people there when I competed for my vocal scholarship. I played my flute in front of a couple thousand, I think.
6. What's the first thing you notice about the preferred sex? uh... i have no idea. Total package, I guess.
7. What really turns you on? Joey Lawrence
8. What do you order at Starbucks? medium iced mocha, decaf
9. What is your biggest mistake? Boone. The whole thing.
10. Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose? Not unless piercings and tattoos count. OH! YES! I smoke. I hurt myself on purpose every day.
11. Say something totally random about yourself. MXPX is bringing me way too much joy at this very moment.
12. Has anyone ever said you look like a celebrity? No.
13. Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows? I'm lame. All I watch on TV is the news or the weather channel.
14. Did you have braces? no
15. Are you comfortable with your height? Yeah. I'm average height. Trmj mocks me and calls me short, but I'm pretty sure he's lying.
16. What is the most romantic thing someone of the preferred sex has done for you? Brought me morning glory dew and enriched mana biscuits.
17. When do you know it's love? I don't.
18. Do you speak any other languages? I have a decent knowledge of french. I took a total of 8 semesters of Latin... 6 in high school, 2 in college. So if dead languages count, yeah.
19. Have you ever been to a tanning salon? Heh. no.
20. What magazines do you read? I'm more of an online kinda gal. I like Salon.com.
21. Have you ever ridden in a limo? Yeah
22. Has anyone you were really close to passed away? Yes. And I found the body! Fun for all.
23. Do you watch mtv? No. ew.
24. What's something that really annoys you? Passive aggressive-ness. SAY WHAT YOU WANT.
25. What's something you really like? The beach. Or... my beach. The one in my hometown.
26. Do you like Michael Jackson? He's kind of creepy.
27. Can you dance? Only at a ska show.
28. What's the latest you have ever stayed up? 3 days and some change. All of it working at the sheraton while hurricane isabel was going on.
29. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room? Yeah, but I could have driven. I was in a minor car accident, hitting a deer, and I smacked my head on the steering wheel. The cop that found me in the ditch made me go.
30. Do you actually read these when other people fill them out? yes... they're like crack.
32. What are your car/truck radio buttons set to? HA. I sold my car when I moved here.
33. When you're completely burned out, what's a good way to recharge (other than sleep)? World of Warcraft
34. What's your favourite place that you've travelled to? The Arizona desert. Or Vancouver. They are equal on the awesome list.
35. What do you want to try that you haven't yet? Sleeping in a bungalow in Bora Bora.
36. Five things you love to eat, and five things you hate to eat? anything with honey in it, olives, cereal, microwave burritos, collard greens/ mushrooms, raisins, seafood, licorice, peanut butter. The 5 most vile substances ever created.
37. Did you learn to drive stick or automatic first? manual pick-up truck. Go me.
38. Do you like board games? Sure!
39. Tell me your opinion about gambling. I don't have one.
40. How many dictionaries do you own? I have a llatin dictionary around here somewhere.
41. What's your favorite medium to work in? uh. Outside on my back porch. It's getting too cold. I weep.
42. What was your undergraduate major, and was it always that or did you switch? It was meteorology then hospitality management.
43. Worst physical pain you've been in? kidney stones.
44. Who's your best friend? John, probably. I don't really keep anyone that close. I know better.
45. Was high school good? Why (not)? Average, I guess.
46. What kinds of music do you like best? Get specific, if you can. Uh. God, I hate this question. I change my mind all the time with my mood. Today is a punk/emo/ska day. My playlist is almost entirely MXPX, Less Than Jake, NOFX, Rancid and the bosstones today.
47. Last three CDs you bought: I illegally download my music from the internets. I am going to hell.
48. And conversely, what kinds of music would you rather never hear? If I never hear another rap song, it will be too soon. I pretty much despise all forms of techno-shit, too.
49. Five favorite movies: Star Wars(All of them except episode 2. That never existed.), Grease, Clerks, All the harry potter stuff, office space. um.
50. What's something other people like that you just can't get into? Life outside of my computer.
51. When you want to look good, what do you wear? A smile.
52. When your heart breaks, how do you put it back together? Each of my tattoos and piercings has a story behind it, all related to some sort of deep emotional pain. I have 2 piercings in my left eyebrow, one in my right, my labret, my tongue and a couple tattoos. None of the holes are closed, though I only wear the tongue regularly anymore.
53. Should the following be exterminated: white briefs: ... blue eyeshadow: My mom still wears it. pants that create the muffin-top look on women: What the ... flip flops in the office: NO
54. Were you a Boy/Girl Scout? No. I wanted to be a girl scout but we couldn't afford it.
55. Can you swim? Yep.
56. Tell me your guilty pleasures: Joey Lawrence. Seriously. It's sick.
57. Do you have a library card? no.
58. What's the best present you've received in the past five years? A way away from Boone and to Boston.
59. Do you have a favorite: No. I don't have a favorite any of that stuff.
60. You're in a strange city for the weekend. What will you do while you're there? Go to the zoo, if they have one. Boston doesn't. It's sad.
61. Are you thrifty? It's almost sad, how thrifty I am.
62. You bought tickets for a cultural event. What are you going to see? I'm going to sell the tickets to the cultural event and go see a band. For example, MXPX is playing in Worcester in the 26th. Can we please go, Tom? I'll teach you how to get injured at a rock show. :)
63. What's something you're hanging onto that you don't need anymore? A lot of negative mental imagery.
User Journal

Journal Journal: Anyone good with PHP? 12

Are any of you nice people good or even mediocre with PHP? I've come up with a script for raid sign-ups for my World of Warcraft guild (yes. It's dorky. I know) and the code looks fine to me, but when I try to load the page, all I get is an empty page with a viewsource of . Can anyone look over the code and see if there is something obvious I'm missing?
User Journal

Journal Journal: Reliance 2

Reliance and trust. I'm trying really hard now to learn that it's all right to place trust in someone else and rely on them. This is a struggle for me, and I find myself battling with it every day. I've spent my 25 years learning the hard way that you can only trust yourself, and that to rely on anyone for anything is nothing but a fast track to suffering. I've found this to be especially true of males... there has never been a male in my life who hasn't treated me like crap, save my grandfather. And now I'm going to vent about that and write it down because I've never done it before and it will make me feel better.

Biological Father- molestation when I was an infant. A fucking months old baby just lying there. I was, clearly, far too young to remember any of it, so I don't think I have any psychological things coming from that, but the fact that I know he did it is enough. My mom caught him when I was three and she left him immediately, bringing my then 1 year old sister with us to my grandparents' house in Eastern NC. I didn't talk to him until a few months ago, and never intend to do so again.

Stepdad- When I was 6, my mom re-married. I call this man dad. He beat the crap out of me on a daily basis until I moved out. He never hit my sister or my brothers (his sons). Only me. I believe this is why I have self-esteem issues. I was the smart one and I never got in trouble, but I was always getting smacked around while the other kids were being treated fine. They would get to eat ice cream for dessert and I would never get any because I had to wash the dishes. My sister eventually learned that if she would distract my dad, he would stop hitting me. She'd go off into our shared bedroom and throw stuff around and make noise while he was hitting me and he'd run off to see what was going on, and I'd go outside with my backpack full of books and hide until my mother got home. See... my mom never knew what was happening until I was 16 years old. He broke my hand, and that couldn't be hidden from her. I called my grandparents and told my grandmother the whole story. My grandfather showed up 20 minutes later and took me away and told my dad that if he ever so much as touched me to hug me again, he'd kill him.
I lived with my grandparents for awhile, and then went to college. I came home to my parents' house at Christmas, and my dad ended up throwing a coffee cup at my head. He missed, but I left and didn't come back until summer. Things were ok for a few weeks, but my dad started up again. I didn't come back for 2 years this time... I would visit my mother at work or away from the house. She started divorce proceedings on him because I told her it was him or me. My mother was miserable without him... aside from how he treated me, he is and was a very good guy and did everything else right. I relented and agreed to be a part of the family if my dad would go to counseling with me so we could figure out why he did this.
Counseling helped. A lot. Turns out my dad had a daughter that died of SIDS around the same time I was born and he had issues with me because of that. Or something. I don't really understand how he was angry with me over that, but he was and after a year of counseling sessions, we got along wonderfully. He can tell me he loves me now, and I was finally able to say it back last year. I don't exactly trust him yet, but I recognize that he made a lot of mistakes and has put a lot of effort into trying to fix them and move on. It's taken work on my part too. I had to learn to stop pushing his buttons on purpose.

Boyfriends- Doug(name changed) dumped me and moved out the next day leaving me to figure out how to pay the rent on our apartment. He then proceeded to bring stalking to a whole new level, requiring over 20 visits to court before he finally left me alone. The restraining orders became so restrictive that in order to see me, he would actually sue me for something so he could see me in court. When he wasn't allowed to do that anymore, he would sue other people and have me subpoenaed as a witness so he could see me in court. He got away with a lot because his father was the mayor of the large town we lived in. Finally, his parents figured out that he had a problem and got him the help he needed. He leaves me alone now in part because his parents keep an eye on him and in part because I changed my last name and moved away.
Barry- I had a wonderful relationship with Barry for 7 months. And then one day he looked at me and told me he was leaving to move back to Alabama with his wife and 2 children. I never knew the wife and children existed.
Chris B.- On again/off again for over a year. I felt way more for him than he did for me, but he never told me as much. He came all the way to visit me on his two weeks leave from Iraq a couple of months ago and slept with one of my roommates. Two years of trust built up, down the drain.
John- I loved John for as long as I can remember. He finally decided he loved me too. Then... bad stuff happened that I still can't talk about with any coherency. Next.
Jason- Jason was great until OOPS! I got pregnant. Jason was no longer so great. He ran away and told me that if i had the baby, I would never find him and he'd never be there. I didn't plan on having the baby, and at least he was honest about his feelings, but yep. Fuck Jason.
Boone- Boone's the real winner. He was PERFECT for the first two months. Perfect enough that when he offered me a way out of my crappy life in NC, I took it and went to Arizona with him. He proceeded to beat the shit out of me for 4 months. I left and now I'm in Boston.

I was raped when I was 20 years old. Two guys pulled up in a white mustang and forced me into the car at gunpoint. They drove around the back roads of Pitt County for an hour and a half while the one in the back seat scraped me from neck to my feet with a dull knife for awhile and then raped me. The only thing I can really say about this is that I wasn't quiet about it afterwards. I went to bed and then woke up in the morning angry. I went to the police, let them do their horrible forensic testing and spent a lot of time speaking to other rape victims as a victim's advocate. The guys got caught a few months later and the one who drove won't be eligible for parole for about 20 more years. The one who actually raped me won't be for 45 more. The trial was as bad as the crime itself, and I will never, EVER hire any lawyer who has ever defended a rape suspect. I don't care if they were actually innocent or not. I'm never going there.

And so it goes. I have a past. A long one. A hard one. I've learned that the only reliable person it myself. And now, here I am, 25 years old and finally faced with someone who is taking an active role in trying to prove that he deserves my trust. He is gentle with me and hugs me when I need it, but he also leaves me alone when I need that. It's hard for me to let him take care of me because what happens if I forget how to take care of myself? What if I trust him and he breaks that bond and I end up hurt AGAIN? Oh, sure... I'll get over the hurt. I always have before, but I've also always fought the future pain by not letting myself fall hard enough that I won't be able to get back up. Is it ok to fall in love? I don't know anymore, so I just don't. I can love... but love and in love are two different demons.

When do I know if it is ok to jump?
User Journal

Journal Journal: Healthy?

I got a call from my doctor at Brigham and Women's a few minutes ago. He wants me to come in tomorrow to discuss some test results. I had a full kidney and liver panels, CBC, the standard anemia stuff and we discussed the arthritis in my fingers, elbows and knees. I asked him what was up, and he said that I have severall indications for a more serious problem and that my kidney issues and the fact that they were sudden onset are something that made him think that something else was going on and maybe my current GI infection was related. He wouldn't go into more detail over the phone, but would tell me that he wanted to do a antinuclear antibody test.

I have absolutely NO idea what he could be testing for.
He asked me a few questions.
-How long have I had arthritis and how often do my joints get swollen? (Not very... A couple of my fingers swell up pretty regularly, but aside from that, my knees and elbows will hurt occasionally.)

-Do I always have problems with my kidneys or do they tend to "flare up"? (They flare up. The flares tend to last a week or so.)

-Do I notice any photosensitivity? (In my eyes, absolutely. If I'm out in the sun where it is too bright, they have literally swollen shut before. As far as my skin goes... I'm scottish, so I'm pale and I burn easily. That's just part of the heritage.) Also, as far as the photosensitivity goes, I got glasses when I was four, and they were the photogrey/transitions lenses, so my eyes were never really exposed to sunlight until I was about 17. I always attributed it to that.

-Am I prone to rashes? (I get hives sometimes for no apparent reason. But I have a lot of allergies.)

That was it. I don't know. I have no idea what he thinks could be wrong with me, but if flareups of swollen joints, my kidneys, photosensitivity and rashes are symptoms, then I've never heard of anything like it. We shall see.
User Journal

Journal Journal: Lulz

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/bos/91893615.html I made the Best of Craigslist. Go me.
User Journal

Journal Journal: Saturday sucks 4

Meh. Today is going to be les than awesome. A sparp, relatively nasty pain started in my lower left abdomen yesterday, and it's progressively gotten worse. It was still there when I woke up this morning. Tom has been prodding me to go get it checked out since yesterday evening, and this morning, he's doing more than prodding... he's pretty insistant.

So, today will be spent in MGH, hoping I can pick up a wireless signal while I sit there and wait for someone who may or may not have a medical degree to come poke me. Tom will be with me, which makes me feel bad because I'm sure he has much better things to do than sit in a waiting room for 5+ hours. I tried telling him as much, but he won't listen.

I have no idea what this pain could be, but it comes in waves, and it literally takes my breath away when it hits. So hooray for Saturday.
User Journal

Journal Journal: Angry beyond words 2

I am royally pissed off this morning. I mean... ROYALLY pissed off. If you can load it (it's java) http://radar.weather.gov/radar/loop/DS.p19r0/si.kmhx.shtml . There. My parents and grandparents live in Morehead City. The right, front quadrant of that god forsaken hurricane is starting to bear down on them now. My parents were told to go to work this morning. This in and of itself isn't too much of a problem because the winds will stay below 50 until around 2 this afternoon. The problem is that this leaves my 80 year old grandparents home alone.

For those who don't know, I'm a weather geek. I went to school for meteorology... I didn't finish, but seriously, I know as much about weather, specifically hurricanes, as any PhD carrying employee of the National Hurricane Center. I called this storm as going right into Onslow Bay a week ago. Go me. I always get them right.

At any rate, a 70 knot hurricane isn't really all that bad... especially when you live in a town that has had 9 hurricanes in the last few years. Most of the stuff that was going to get blown over was destroyed in the first few, so pretty much everything that's left is strong enough to withstand anything less than 130mph winds. This storm is a little different than your average category one storm, though. They come through and last about 6 hours and then you're done. This one is moving painfully slow and they are going to have sustained tropical storm force winds for about 24 hours and hurricane force for at least 12. That is no joke... you don't play around with that.

My family has a hurricane plan. If the winds are less than 115, they stay. If they're higher than 115, they leave. If they stay, my grandparents, brothers and sister, all the kids and the dogs, etc. all go over to my parents' house where my nut case father has accumulated a lifetime supply of food, potable water, sterno and bleach. This way, everyone is together and we don't have to worry about anyone.

This is not happening. My parents were up until 4am boarding up my grandparents' windows because I'm not there to say "Hey. Dumbshits. There's a hurricane coming. You have trees. Maybe you want to, you know, prevent them from coming inside?" I'm not there this year to go around to all the redneck neighbors and make them lay down their swingsets and put their 4 wheelers in their garages and pick up their lawn furniture and whatnot so it doesn't fly into my parents 300,000 dollar house. (By Boston standards, 300,000 dollars for a house is nothing. By North Carolina standards, it's very nice.)

My parents are too passive to actually tell their bosses to fuck off, so now my grandparents are sitting alone during a hurricane. So. Pissed. Off.

Ok. I ranted like a maniac and I feel better.
User Journal

Journal Journal: Insert witty subject here 13

I've been spending the majority of my free time either hanging out with Tom or playing World of Warcraft, lately. Or sleeping. But that's usually with him, too.

I swear, everything is better when I'm near him. Even food tastes better. My evil kidneys hurt less around him. I sleep better. Waking up and seeing him lying there with his eyes closed makes me smile... I swear, he calms my long-restless heart.

I've never been big on monogamy... that's not to say I'm not all for monogamous relationships. I've just never managed to be in one that worked. I don't get tired of Tom, though. He doesn't annoy me like the majority of the rest of the people in the world do. I don't feel the need to impress him. Somehow, I've already done that, and I never did anything at all. I could kiss him for a hundred forevers and it wouldn't get old.

I miss him when I don't see him for even a day. It's quite possible that I'm insane. But when he looks at me, I swear, he doesn't see me as the sum of my mistakes; he sees me as the sum of my experiences. He doesn't fall for the act I put on for the rest of the world. He saw through it immediately and probed the real Jenn.

I smile just thinking about his face, his lips, his voice, his hands.
User Journal

Journal Journal: $boy 4

$boy just spent the last 20 minutes teasing me mercilessly. The following conversation ensued.

Me: Are you SURE you have no experience with women? Tom: Yes. Me: Are you SURE? Tom: Yes. Me: Are you REALLY Sure? Tom: I think you underestimate the amount of porn I've watched.

Yep.
User Journal

Journal Journal: Grr. 1

Dear Philip Morris Inc.,

I have been a loyal customer for 7 years, making the daily trek to the local gas station to purchase my Marlboro Menthol Ultra Light 100s In a Box for the low low price of $5.25 a pack. I have paid you thousands of dollars to ensure my early death by means of drowning in the thick black tar and destroyed pieces of lung tissue in a coughing fit at the ripe old age of 45. However, today I was very disappointed with my purchase. I woke up at about 7 today, and noticed that I smoked too much last night, leaving me with only one cigarette. After smoking said cigarette, I did all of the things that one must do to prepare themself to leave the house and head to the store. By the time that I got to the store, I was experiencing rather intense cravings for my nicotiney goodness, so I ran up to the cashier, gasping for breath, because I smoke too much and can't run more than about 3 feet without feeling like I'm going to pass out. I looked desperately at the cashier who promptly sold me my daily fix. I went outside and tore off the protective cellophane wrapping and felt the thick smoke penetrate my very soul.

This is not unusual, as I go through the exact same thing every morning. However, my daily excursion today was without reward because you evil people did something to my cigarettes. I don't know what you did, but my Marlboro Menthol Ultra Light 100s In a Box do not taste the same as they have tasted for as long as I can remember. It's as though you injected a million tons of Menthol into them to cover up the taste of less than premium tobacco. The aftertaste of these cigarettes is disgusting.

Suddenly it dawned on me. THESE TASTE LIKE BASIC MENTHOL ULTRA LIGHT 100s!!! YOU BASTARDS! I know you make Basic's too, and either you hire people who are too stupid to put the correct tobacco in my cigarettes, or you're trying to pull a fast one on me by changing the quality of the tobacco you put in your premium cigarettes to the quality of tobacco you put in your generic brands.

This means war. I don't think you realize how much I love smoking. It's my GOD. If I haven't had a cigarette for a few hours and you stick a shiny pack of Marlboro Menthol Ultra Light 100s in front of me, I will gladly worship the nicotine inside. I will pray to it, sacrifice small animals to it and cry as I feel the nicotine flow through my veins. You have fucked with the only thing that I truly love, and for that, you will pay dearly.

I will start an internet campaign!! Yes! That is what I will do. I will write a letter to Al Gore, inventor of the internet, and have him broadcast it all over the magnificent forum that he has created. "MARLBORO MENTHOL ULTRA LIGHT 100s CONTAIN GENERIC TOBACCO!!!!"

Ok, I won't do any of these things. In fact, I will still probably buy my cigarettes every day, simply because I am an addict, and that is what addicts do. But please. PLEASE fix my cigarettes.

Regards,

An entirely too loyal customer
User Journal

Journal Journal: Obligatory intro post 1

I am Pezstar. I don't get enough sleep. I like spicy food. I have a tattoo of a pez dispenser. I have pretty hair. If I could, I would stay in my room gaming for the next 3 years. I drink too much caffeine. I chain smoke Marlboro Menthol Ultra Light 100s. I like Jack Daniel's on the rocks. I hate relationship drama. I hate driving. I'm addicted to LiveJournal. I'm not the prettiest girl on the street, but I don't care anymore. I'm probably smarter than you are anyway. I have a fucked up sense of humor, and will probably offend you. If I do happen to offend you, I probably won't apologize. You should grow some thicker skin. If ignorance is bliss, I'm the most miserable person you'll ever meet. I talk very fast. I can suck a taxi driver through immigration. The sunrise is my sunset, and I am lucky enough to see it almost every day over the Outer Banks of North Carolina. Oops. I lied. I moved to Boston where there is no sunset because the city lights make it bright at 3am. I'm rabidly pro-choice, and I will argue about it with you until your tongue goes numb. I can sing like a siren when no one is listening. I have slept with a stuffed monkey every night since I was 4. If I had a million dollars, I wouldn't buy you a house. I'm a hopeless romantic who has had one too many doses of reality. It's a strange combination. I could kick your ass at most Nintendo games. I talk a lot of shit, but I wouldn't hurt a fly unless he deserved it. I bite my nails. I don't like it when people try to get inside my head. All your base are belong to us. I have a bad habit of self-deprecation. 1 @|\/| 13373|2 7|-|@|\| j00. I can't draw. I like to mock Canada but I secretly want to live there. I'm overdosed on apathy and burnt out on sympathy.

-Pezzy

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