Thank you for your patience. At at&t(R), our time-honored commitment(tm) to the nation's largest 4G network means we are also committed(tm) to your contracts. For you, it appears, your contract seems to feel unending and unsatisfying; that is because we work with the C.I.A. to make your contract experience as unending, unsatisfying, and unprivate as possible. Thanks to their crack team of crack spies and crack dealers, we make 10MUSD more a year, and we are pleased to announce here (and on Facebook and Twitter) that you get none of it.
As for your bad service, we are also pleased to announce (near the 1st anniversary of our 2013 Nation's Largest 4G Network Improvements Fee announcement) that our upcoming 2014 Nation's Largest 4G Network Improvements Fee (which you agreed to in your contract of course) will be charged on schedule, and double again the prior fee. This should help improve the nation's largest 4G network roughly not at all, according to a joint and totally unbiased analysis by Forrester and Gartner.
Once again, thank you for choosing at&t(R), now sponsored by the nation's corruptest intelligence group. We hope to hear from you again, preferably by listening in to you when you're telling your mom where you'll drive next.