As soon as I get an ISBN I'll publish the finished version of "Nobots". Meanwhile, I'm working on a new one. Here is the first crude draft of the beginning. This crude draft continues. I have no idea what will happen after this chapter, suggestions are of course welcomed. Like the last, this is a slashdot book.
What got me interested was the fact that they were whores! I was going to have a boatload of horny whores!
See, I'm not good with women. What I mean by that is women use me and I'm too damned stupid to see it. And I was too damned stupid to realize that whores are women.
What happened earlier, you know, led to my stupidity. Well, except the stupidity of not realizing whores are women, that was incredibly stupid.
Did I tell you about women? They've made my life hell. Look at the week before they handed that Mars assignment, for instance. No, never mind, you don't want to hear it.
Most of what I learned about women I learned from the powers of Evil. What I mean is, women taught me about women.
- The one thing that will attract a woman, more than any other thing, is another woman on your arm
- A woman doesn't want you unless she can take you away from another woman
- A woman isn't impressed by a big dick, but if you have one she'll brag about it to her friends and if you don't she'll make fun of it
- A woman is incapable of putting anything back where she found it.
- Women will bitch about the very aspects of their men that attracted them in the first place
- Most women prefer the sexual vibrators manufactured by the Harley-Davidson corporation
- A woman will throw the things you want to keep away, and keep the things you want to throw away. She'll throw out the "useless junk" your late great grandfather left you but leave the ball of lint and empty soap box on the dryer.
- A woman will rearrange your shit so she can bitch about your asking where it is. "Well LOOK for it!"
- A woman can never get enough sex, but she can get too much sex
- There is no good answer to the question "is my ass too big?"
- You're most attractive to any woman right after you've had sex with a different one
Being stupid, I was happy. I guess that's the secret to happiness - Be stupid. But stupid pays later.
I went home, took a shower, and checked out Ol' Miss before I went out single party partying.
I woke up sitting on the couch with the doorbell screaming at me, a full whole warm beer on the table. What damned time is it? Five? In the morning? What the hell. I picked up my tablet. "Who is it and what in the hell do you want at this ungodly hour?" I growled.
"Tamatha Winters, who are you?" the woman pictured on the tablet said.
"I'm the captain of this damned boat. What in the hell do you want?"
"I'm part of your cargo."
"Christ, woman," I said, still irritated but noting that she wasn't bad looking. "We don't leave until Monday and it's only Saturday. At five o'clock in the God damned morning! Damn it, woman, I wanted to sleep late!"
"I'm sorry, but I don't have anywhere else to go," she said.
So I'm perplexed again. Or still. Or something. No place to go? A decent looking hooker? "So why not?"
"Shit, an addict?"
"Yeah," the picture of the woman on the tablet said. "I heard there ain't no drops on Mars and I'm sick of the life. You think I like sucking dicks for... well, it ain't a living. More like a dying. I can't seem to stop on Earth, and they want women on Mars so I'm going."
"They don't want women, they want whores. You'll still be a whore."
"Maybe," she said. "We'll see. Are you going to let me in?"
"I have to check the roster to see if you're authorized."
"Why? Isn't it your ship?"
"Look, lady," I said, "it's the company's ship. I just live here and drive it where they tell me to. I can't let you on unless I have you on the manifest. Let me look." I looked, there wasn't any Tamatha Winters or record of her face. "Sorry, lady, you ain't on the list."
"What?!" She said. "Of course I am! Here's my papers," she said, holding out a fone.
"Sorry, lady," I said. "You'll have to straighten it out with the company. Bye."
"Wait!" the tablet exclaimed. "I can't go home! There's drops there and I won't make the liftoff!"
"Sorry, lady, I ain't gonna screw up a good job. I can actually buy shit instead of having crappy printed out shit and I ain't gonna mess it up. GoodBYE!" I said, disconnected, and went to bed. At least the cunt had me in more comfortable sleep, my couch sucks to sleep on.
The maid woke me up about noon. I hate that damned thing, always noisy as hell. Why does it have to clean at noon?
"Coffee," I growled. A couple of minutes later a table with a cup of coffee on it rolled to me. Why are those damned things so slow? Anyway, I don't know why I'm putting this in my report except I don't want to get in trouble for leaving anything out.
I took a shit and drank another cup of coffee.
I switched on the video and turned to the news. Tornadoes, floods, fires, shootings, robberies, political corruption... Why do they call it "news"? It's never new, it's the same shit all the time. Bored, I switched through the channels. Shit, all boring. I'll get a beer. So I locked up the boat and hailed a taxi with my fone and went to the nearest bar, which was five miles away. Why ain't there no bars near spaceports, I wondered. It was like that everywhere.
I sat down and ordered a beer. "I'm sorry, sir," the bartender said, "but this says you're underage."
"What? Christ, lady, I'm forty five!"
"Well, this says 'underage', no ID carried."
"Shit," I said, and got out my fone and turned on GPSID. "Try it again."
"OK," she said, "It worked that time." I checked my balance - wow, beer wasn't cheap here.
"Huh," I said, startled. "Oh," I said, seeing who it was. "The woman that wanted on my boat. Gonna buy me a drink, lady?"
"The name's Tamitha. You can call me Tammy. If I buy you a drink are you going to let me on?"
"Buy your own booze, loser."
"Fuck you," I retorted. "I ain't cheap like you droppers."
"I told you, I want to get away from that shit. That's why I haven't gone home, even though I really, really want to. Come on, please, I'll fuck you all the way to Mars!"
I laughed. "Yeah, you and two hundred other hookers."
"You're an asshole," she said.
"So what, cunt," I replied. "Get outta my face."
"What did you call me?" she demanded.
"Are you good for anything but putting a dick in?" I asked.
"OOOOH!!" She shouted, and stomped off. I got another expensive beer. Damn, I should have had the taxi take me to a cheaper part of town, even if the fare would have been more. I guess I could have took the bus, but hell, I got money, I don't need no bus.
A blonde sat down next to me. "Hi," she said. "I overheard, why did she call you captain? Are you on the Mars boat?"
"Yeah," I said. "Why?"
"I'm going to Mars."
"Yeah? That's what she said. She's not on the manifest."
"Yeah?" I said, pulling out my phone and checking out the manifest. Of course, as soon as I activated it her face and information was shown. "Why, pleased to meet you, uh..." I glanced at the manifest, "Destiny. Is that your real name?"
She giggled. "Yeah, it is. Buy you a drink, Captain?"
"Call me John," I said, shaking her extended hand. "So why do you want to go to Mars?"
"I want to see what it's like to be a hooker."
I choked on my beer; women kind of fuck my brain up sometimes. "Huh?"
"I want to experience everything!"
She grabbed my crotch. "No charge for you," she said before locking lips with me.
Wow. I was really looking forward to this trip!
We shared a taxi to the boat, and there were twenty women waiting when we got there. I had to check them all. "Sorry, Destiny," I said. "You can drop by my quarters when I'm done here."
"No," she said, and winked. "You can come to mine."
The fucking women just wouldn't stop coming, and most of them acted horny, a sure sign they were high on drops. Most of them hit on me, none too subtly.
This was going to be a good trip! At least, if I could get all those whores inside the boat. No sooner than I'd start walking to Destiny's quarters the damned bell rang. It kept up all weekend. Finally, maybe midnight Sunday, I got what I thought was going to be eight hours sleep. I'd had maybe four all weekend.
I got two more before the doorbell rang. It was that damned Tammy. "You ain't getting' in. Now go away before I call the cops" I said.
"Check your manifest."
I checked it. "You aren't on it."
"Look at the passengers list."
Passengers? Huh? Ok, I checked. Damn, she was there. I unlocked the airlock. "17 C", I said, and went to Destiny's cabin.
I got some sleep, finally... an hour later.
I think I like Destiny.
I woke up to the smell of bacon and coffee and the sound of a woman saying "Good morning, Johnnie."
It took me a second or two to figure out who was talking. I was a little hungover. "Mmmh," I said. "Mornin', Destiny." I got lucky, I usually suck at remembering names but hers was so different it was easy.
"Come have some eggs before they get cold, John."
"You made breakfast? Damn, I think I'm in love!"
She laughed. "Slow down, cowboy."
I laughed. "Don't worry, I'm a snail. I thought you liked me too?
She grinned sheepishly. "I do. That's the problem. I didn't want to like you, I wanted to use you. But I can't, I like you.
"I might even be falling in love, damn it. Shit, I shouldn't have said that."
I was glad she did. I thought I was falling in love, too. Never happened before, I don't know why I married my ex. But I might be...
My brain exploded again.
It was a little awkward but I had a way out. I sighed. "Time to secure passengers and cargo for liftoff. I guess you're first, lover."
Her eye twinkled. "Lover?"
She smiled. "Yeah."
I strapped her in and started on the other two hundred women.
"Ten... Nine... Eight... Seven... Six... Five... Four... Three... Two..."
I braced myself for the Gs. "One. Ignition. Liftoff."
God but I hate liftoff. Hey, you wanted this report to complete, didn't you? Then shut up and let me talk. Jesus, guys.
Anyway, after we were in orbit I unleashed Destiny, and she helped me unleash the rest. In fact, most helped unleash the rest. I was impressed, maybe the whores weren't as depraved as I thought?
It turned out that that was completely wrong.