You, my friend, take crazy to a whole new level. Why be brief when you can be loquacious?
What you want is for someone to kiss your ass and say things delicately to suit your tastes, to mince words and be diplomatic to avoid your ire.
What you want is a people-pleaser who cares about your approval.
You claim to know an awful lot about me. It seems your megalomania gives you deep insight into the thoughts of others. Unfortunately, you are as wrong as you are insane.