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Journal Journal: I'm seeing a pattern develop in our lives recently... 3

Last night we went to a candle light vigil for people who lost infants...

There were some that were a long time ago, others much more recent than ours. It's kind of a sickly feeling to know that you aren't the most recent. "Damn...I wanted to be last.", I now know those raw emotions those others are now feeling.

It was a nice service, I'm not really religous, more spiritual actually. So constant Jesus-speak kind of irritates me. He knows where I am, if he needs me he'll call. But overall it was good. I think we may develop some new local friendships out of this, which is a very nice. Amy and I tend to keep to ourselves, so new people into our life can keep us growing.

The pattern I mention in the subject is the "Looking foward to..." pattern. Elmegil, I'm wondering if you saw this as well.

It started in the from the get go...We were looking forward to doctors visits to see what really happened. We contemplated what we wo do after we didn't have that to "look foward to". But right after that we had something else to "look forward to".
This pattern of trying to get through the next weeks has turned into 4 months of jumping from milestone to milestone. I think I'm getting Amy to see that to, we're starting to feel like we have lives to live again. Which is nice. We now have new things to do, a person to pray to, and other things I can't hink of right now...

We're still grieving though, of course. Amy and I do not fear death as we may have before. Not that we're egging on the pale rider, but we now feel that someone we deeply care for is waiting for us.

Last night Amy stated after the service that it was the first time she really felt like trying again. I guess all her posturing about it up till now has been lip service, not that I mind. Keeps people from bugging her. So we'll probably be starting again soon.

Isn't it odd that when people talk about sex for sex's sake it so much more brash and in your face, but when we talk about baby-makin' sex, it a much softer understated tone? It just feels weird to talk about trying to have kids as "banging my wife so she can squeeze out a litter." Something about that's just messed up....i'm not right.....

Well I must go. My parents are getting their HD directTv installed today. Must check in and make sure the guy hooked it up right.

"TECH SUPPORT!!!!" -- Tom 'weiner' Cruise from Vanilla Sky...funniest line of the movie.

User Journal

Journal Journal: Where the Magic is stored in the Magic Kingdom... 1

Disney was nice...75-80 degrees, as opposed to 29 here in the 'Burg this morning. It's always amusing to me to see the local Orlando weather guys doing the weather outside saying "Wow, what about this cold snap?". Silly weather guys.

We did our tours: Segways in Epcot, Keys to the Kingdom at the Magic Kingdom. Both were very nice and informative about the 2 parks.

I did like the Segways the best though. They gave us an hour of training, and then we rode around on them through the "World Showcase" for another hour. Those things are actually very easy to control, just lean forward or back. The steering's on the left hand side, it's a little ring on the handle bar you turn. They told us that there were 3 key to them, Black, Yellow and Red. Black allows you to go upto 5 MPH, yellow goes to 9, and red lets you max it out, I think it's 17 MPH, but I'm not sure. Since we were newbies they only gave us the black key. The instructors had the yellows, the reds they said were buried under the Cinderella's Castle along with Walt's frozen head. Even got a special Segway pin, for all you pin collectors out there.

The Keys to the Kingdom was a longer 5 hour tour, we walked around the park. The guide explained rides like the river safari and the Haunted Masion. He pointed out things that you typically don't notice. Like the windows in Main Street USA, they have people's names on them like in the opening credits of a movie. We saw the staging area for the parades, workshops for painting and maintenence. The guide took us down the the Utili-corridor...the "secret city" under the park it is not. It's just a corridor that rings around the park, it has some offices and break rooms. To me it reminded be of a backstage at a theatre, just a little bigger, and with electric carts. It was in the corridor, that you get to see Disney as a business. I could see myself getting just as irritated and grumpy working for them as I do for my current job. They have stict rules of dress, your "costume", not uniform, has to be just so. You're only allowed a mustache, no gotees or beards. And simple earrings, no hoops. While I can see some of it for safety reasons, I know it would just drive me nuts.

The Utili-corridor is the one thing that bothered my wife though, as nice and as kept up the park is, the Corridor isn't. Not to say it's totally trashed, but it is a working area, kind of like a factory floor or backstage area. I saw a spot where water leaked from a pipe on to a PA speaker, and now the speaker was just in pieces. Paint scrapes, old equipment and decorations were sitting around waiting to be put away. No exits were blocked or anything, it just reminded me of my garage.

Did get to see Rent at the AMC in Downtown Disney. I like the theatre version better, but the movie was decent. Jesse Martin was a good Tom Collins, Roger didn't seem to have a spark to his character like in the Broadway version. Some good songs left out, but over all they got the feel of the live version. Of course some older citizens came in watched half and left, just like when I saw it in Hershey. I'd give it a B-.

Ate at Wolfgang Puck's for lunch the one day, I ordered the chicken with mashed potatoes...which I though would be a cornish game hen with a bit of mashed tots.

No.

It was a fricken' Perdue Oven-stuffer Roaster with mashed tots. The thing was HUGE. Very very good, but HUGE. I ate way to much down there. But I didn't gain any weight, weird. I guess it was all the walking we did.

If I think of any more stories I'll post them. But I should get to work.

Sean

User Journal

Journal Journal: A bittersweet anniversary... 5

Today, Veterans Day, is Amy and my's 5th wedding Anniversary. Uptil this past August I'd say that the time flew by. I can still remember the day like it was yesterday. I woke up around 11, went and got some lunch, came home, got dressed and was at the church by 1.

Trying to get that ring on her finger was the biggest problem of the whole day.

I'd amazing to think how innocent we were then. No idea of things to come.

I can definitely say we are doing better. We still go to support groups and stuff, and we're getting to the point where we wonder "Why are we here with these people?". Even though we are going through the same type thing as the other people, our emotions seem really distant from theirs. It's really hard to explain how. We tend to have a Buddist/Taoist philosophy, others are still very angry and bitter. One woman in group seemed actually put off by the fact we were going to Disney for our anniversary. Like we aren't suppose to be living.

I still get emotional at times, but those times are spreading out. I get a little teary eyed when I here, "Wish you were here" by Pink Floyd. Most people get upset over Tears in Heaven. Me, it's Floyd and Green Day. Bizarre.

There's a building confidence though, and growing anticipation for the future. Maybe some time in December we'll start trying again. Life for now though is returning to the new normal.

We don't have our son, but we do have each other. And today I'm going to celebrate the fact that our marriage brought him to us, even if we only had him for a short time.

Sean D.

"Were just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl..." - Pink Floyd

User Journal

Journal Journal: Ok where is it? Civ 4? 4

I took off today in anticipation of Civ4. It's delayed a day.

Well at least I was able to get a new speaker ordered for my car. I blew it out shortly after we lost Zack. Blaring angry music will do that. $64 for a replacement AC delco speaker. This last one is as old as the car, 7 1/2 years, so a new one should last me till I trade the car in.

What's nice is I can do my own maintenence, so instead of caosting me $150 to get it fixed, it's just the part. I wish I understood more about the car though.

Sean D.

User Journal

Journal Journal: Where I'm spending my money.... 1

DisneyWorld over Thanksgiving. We don't feel like doing the family thing this year. Instead let's spend it with a bunch of nuts dressed up as fuzzy animals in the hot Florida sun!

Animal Kingdom Lodge, Savanah View... I better wake up to Giraffes staring at me, or else I want my money back.

It's our 5th wedding anniversary on Nov 11th, so we figured why not enjoy it. We had a hell of a year, and we need some away time.

Anyway, this is the third time Amy and I will have been to the Mouse. So we decide to take some of the tours. I want to see about how the house elves are treated. May I'll wear a SPEW badge, and see who gets it.

When Amy was planning this I don't believe she realized how much money she was spending. But, given our Anniversary... ...
15 hours later ...
Crap...I got disrupted and forgot to put this in...

oh well.

Sean D.

The Media

Journal Journal: Everybody wants my money... 1

People may call me jaded, bitter, whatever...I don't care. The last 2 months have been Hell. But they are getting better.

Anyway, who wants my and your money? Everyone.

I get requests from the United Way, Humane Society, The Red Cross, our Church is doing a massive renovation, the Hospital, and every stinking disaster group from here to Timbuktu...literally.

And now on top of all of this charitable giving, the Feds are telling us we better save money to heat our houses this year. But we have to spend money to keep the economy strong.

I think I got a 3% raise last year, inflation is at what 3.5-4%? (I'm guessing, Google's not helping today). So the price of everything is going up, yet I'm making less.

And how the heck is the Gov't going to pay for everything? Our Gulf Coast is in shambles, the Persian Gulf Coast isn't any better. Now Condi Rice is pledging more aid to Pakistan and such. It all has to come from somewhere. So eventually taxes will go up, and we'll have even less money to spend on charities, heating our house, eating, medications...

Is it just me or is the world about ready to collapse? I'm hoping it's just me.

This is just a rant...I felt like getting some feelings out. So if this doesn't make complete sense to you, oh well.

Sean D.

Toys

Journal Journal: Hmm..replace the Firebird or not.... 2

I just spent the last 2.5 hours at the Hyundai dealership in town debating about whether to trade in the ol' Firebird for a Sante Fe...(makes me think of Rent* everytime I say Sante Fe). I have severe separation anxiety over losing my car. I've had it since May of '98, new, custom ordered...I could go into details of what I got with it but I won't.

With the recent events, and all the other unknowns, the reality of a $22000 purchase just seems too much. Buying a car ain't going to help anybody but the dealer. I think I'd rather get my therapy from a trained professional and not a car.

It's also weird, in that, when I bought the Firebird I had no qualms about writing out the down-payment check. "What $500, no problem....". This time, I wouldn't have been able to do it.

They brought out everybody though, the initial sales guy (19 years old, young but nice), the overseer (overly tanned middle aged woman), and the Sales Manager (my age, nice guy). Of course they were pushy, they're car dealers. The deal was decent, 249 over invoice, only offered 4000 for my car (Edmunds says 5175). I just couldn't say yes.

A lot of emotions wrapped up in my dang car, first date with Amy. It got me stuck in the snow at her house, so I spent the night, fun first date...Kind of like my "Enchantment under the Sea" dance from Back to the Future.

But then Amy now hates the car (of course), it rides rough, expensive to repair, not that great on gas...and it's not really kid friendly. Kids like it but it doesn't have room for all their crap.

I just happen to have the last repair bill for my car sitting in front of me, 306.46...about $100 less than the car payment used to be. Damn, it's a piece of crap, but it's mine. It growls when you start it up, and still purrs on the highways, it just has a few extra squeaks and rattles now. It's so fun to drive, I love racing it around, it's low center of gravity makes it handle like a dream.

So I guess I'm not really ready.

Nope, not ready at all. I kind of want to go out and detail it now. It fits me like an old pair of jeans....

Sean D.

* Rent - Musical,East village Rock-opera...use google...you'll find it.

User Journal

Journal Journal: Her first Monday back... 1

Well, Amy came back into work today. I don't expect her to get much done. She kind of has to feel out everybody first. Some people will talk to her without any issue, others will avoid her like the plague, (the people who don't know how to deal).

I'm hoping that her team members will kind of watch over her a little, let me know if I'm needed. Also there's a pesty woman who Amy works with that might need shooed away occasionally.

I think it will take her a good week or two to walk through this place with out wanting to break down. She needs this distraction as frustrating as people at work can be, they still aren't as despair inducing as losing our son.

Anyway,

Friday was rough, after the doctor's visit. As good as it was for her to get her emotions out, she cried so hard, it was tough for me to see her so hurt. I remember crying like that on the night after Zach died. I did seem to help me, hopefully it will help her too.

Saturday, she say it was rough, I can't say. I was out helping her parents. Her Dad does blacksmithing, so we were at a craft show, all day. Since she was still "technically" on Disablity we though it best for her not to be there. So she had all day alone to think about everything. I'm thinking she did have a rough day.

Sunday, thank God for football. We went up to my sister's house to watch the Niner's game. (They have the Sunday Ticket thing). So we were able to get out of the house and do something different. It was a good distraction. Who would have thought that football would help things? Plus the Niners won, double bonus. I think we might have made a big jump, she used to think that a shower was the only thing left to look forward to, now it might be football games. She doesn't understand all the rules, (who does?), but she likes the action, and commenting on how the cheerleaders look slutty.
And since the football season runs till the end of January, after that she be able to look forward to trying for another child.

I'm looking for any lucky break I can get. I know we're going to have some more really rough times, I just want the occasional distraction so she can relax and live a little.

Well, I guess I should get to work...

Sean D.

User Journal

Journal Journal: Focusing on the future 2

I should be writing some code at the moment, but damn I don't feel it in me.

Have you ever had a time when you feel like something inside yourself is preventing you from being productive? I've had this feeling before, before Zach, now I have this feeling again.

I guess I'll have to force myself through it, that usually seems to break the spell. I kind of feel like I'm stuck in a Plastic Wrap bubble, I can see what I need to do, I just can't get there. So I need to start poking at it, eventually I can get a hole started, then I can tear it open. But until then, I feel like I'm suffocating.

Amy is doing better, still doubting and questioning herself. I think this is a arguement that she and I will always have now. She blames herself, I blame the cosmic-all. Some days I think she buys it, other days she doesn't. I'm getting more occasions of her resembling her old self. It gives me a lot of hope.

Her biggest fear now is that she and Zach will be forgotten by the doctors, treated as if losing a baby is no big deal. I try to counter with the usual logic, "This is a big deal, a life was lost", "They want to make sure this doesn't happen again...". Our first Post-Zach appointment is this coming Friday, I hope she gets the answers she needs. I know she won't get the answers she truly wants.

She questions though about after the Doctor's appt. "What do I have to look forward to then?" No more places to get answers, they are the last resort. From then on all answers come from within. Kind of like the road to Enlightenment.

We'll keep going to conseling (spelling, I really don't care). Talk to people who are available, the typical stuff were suppose to do. Amy has a Psych degree, so she kind of has an idea of what to expect, at least more than me.

I guess I should go start poking holes in the Saran wrap.

Sean D.

Portables

Journal Journal: Symbol PDAs 8866...and printing....

Anyone ever deal with these beasts?

Beasts...not really, they're PDA's of sorts.

I'm trying to get a program written that allows my 8866 to talk to the QL320 printer via bluetooth.

I got their sample program to work, but of course they didn't give any code.

I'm an ABAPer, with very limited knowledge of .Net or C++, so I'm crawling over the net looking for anything. This is going to be a bear.

Sean D.

User Journal

Journal Journal: OK, I'm going to try this today.... 3

After forgetting to turn my Alarm clock on last night, I woke up late, ended up getting into work at my normal time, instead of sooner.

My wife is getting a little tired of me "mother Hen"ing her all the time, plus if I get out of the house, she should be able to sleep a little better.

I hate to leave her alone, but she knows where to call if she needs anything, me, my mom, her mom.

The last 3 days have been better, not great, but definitely better. We been able to laugh, and carry-on with our families, kind of a nice break. I've come to understand a little better of what she needs. Really needs, some of which I can give her, some that will just take time, some the Doctor knows.

The last couple days, the best thing I was doing for her was answering questions, remembering the day, the time we had with Zach (She informed me I've been spelling it wrong, we never got a chance to really discuss it). We talk about the nurses, who was emotionally, the Doctor's attitude, the pain drugs, the messiness of it all. Everytime I tell her what I remember she seems to relax some, I seem to remember a little more. She seems to remember a little more. It's a weird sort of therapy, but it seems to be working.

After about an hour or 2 of this she seems almost back to her old self. I say almost, no matter what, I still feel like my soul has be irrepairably damaged. I know her's must feel worse.

We have the bereavement group this week, I'm not really sure what that'll all be about, but I'm open.

Well I guess I should get to work. No point on actually coming in if I don't do anything.

Keep the faith, no matter what faith it is...

Sean

User Journal

Journal Journal: Working from home... 2

What a beautiful F^&%ing friday....

All week I've been working from home, I went into work briefly Wednesday, but could stand it yet.

Anyway, today I am P.O.'d. I normally work 7:30 to 4. Last night I got an email at 5pm saying, "The QA Server will refreshed tonight. Please back up your work."

First thing you have to understand, the moron's in HQ, do not understand the proper way to setup a development system. We currenty have 3 systems, Development, QA, and Production. I'd do development on the Dev server EXCEPT, the data is 3 years old, and it's missing it's configuration.

So Dev gets done on QA, which gets refreshed every Friday NIGHT. not Thursday night at 6pm.

To continue the story, we've been working on setting up another plant. I've been working on alot of the production ordering system.

All the work I've done for the past week is now gone. I could have taken the whole week off, and been exactly where I am today.

It's bad enough my insides want to scream before this... I feel like decking someone.

I'm pissed at myself too, I shouldn't trust those igits, I should back my stuff up everyday.

I'm hoping my boss gives them an ear full.

This day has not started off well.

Happy f'ing Friday.

Sean

Lord of the Rings

Journal Journal: Thanks, and I mean it too.. 8

It's now Sunday, 1:42 PM according to the Waste Management Clock on the wall. (Free clock night at the Senators game couple years ago).

Things for me are healing, but I'm the Dad, I suspected they would heal faster. I'm getting through the day with less crying and more living. Amy is a rougher, she questioning everything, did we do the right thing, did the doctors do all the could, why we didn't do anything last week...hindsight is 20/20. I keep trying to convince her that it's not her fault. I'm quickly realizing, a father's logic is no match for a mother's guilt.

There's a bereavement group in at the Hospital, right now I think we maybe the only one who will be going. But maybe if we do, others with losses will show up too. Here's me being objective again.

There's also a counselor (spelling) we used to see, I'm going to try for an appointment with him as well. She needs to speak to more people than me, and I need to know what to say when it's just us. I'm a comp Sci major, she was the psychology major. Knowing the Big O time of a Quicksort ain't helping.

I should wrap this up for now. I let her rest for a while, I should doing some checking.

Sean

Toys

Journal Journal: Why must life be so cruel?

why?

Zachary Evan Noel
Born 8/17/05
Died 8/17/05

my first child, my first son.

3 months early.
1 lb 14 oz.
13 inches long.

Last Saturday, my wife an I awoke to find him active in her stomach. kicking so hard I could see it without touching. Everything was great...

Wednes 3am, something's not right. no kicking, back pains, front pains. Doctor says to come up to the Hospital.

Infection, mother and child. Some how the mucus plug went MIA, and infection got in.

5:40 am, Zack was born.
around 7am Zack died.

It amazing, I hurt so damn bad. so bad bad bad bad bad bad.........

I was worried I wouldn't connect with him when he came. I have a niece who's 11 years younger than me. I remember her birth I babysat her often. I couldn't stand babies or kids because of that.

Zack made me better, never has anyone had that effect on me, and in so short of time.

I want 10 kids now, the more the merrier. I miss him. why............why did this have to happen?

Some people are on this Earth 100 years, and accomplish nothing. Zack was here for 6 months in womb and 1 1/2 hour on the outside. He made a difference.

We buried him today, 10:00. Father McNeil gave a wonderful sermon, and I have felt better since. He's an awesome preist, compasionate and understanding. Go that coffin was small, my boy is in there !!!!!!!! I want him back!!!! DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN.why.

we will get through this. My wife is hurting bad. we both want to escape, it's so sureal. I jsut setup the changing table on Sunday. Damn thing was missing some pieces. Cheap peice of crap.

Amy's 3 year old cousin asked a poinant question:
"If God wanted him back, why did he have to kill him?"

I've never hurt like this. never, nothing compares.

I am thankful that Amy is ok, she on anti-biotics. Physically repairing, mentally scarred. I'm doing the best I can for her, she needs me, I need her, we need each other to survive. I've never thought of offing myself before, I won't don't worry. I need to be here for my wife and our families. I can't let this support network unravel.

Father said that Zack was a Saint, baptized, no sins...clear definition. We don't have to wait for the 3 miracles. That just applies to people who have tests of conscience.

He said they'd be saying a Mass for him and us, mostly for us, he doesn't need it. He's already in heaven. He's with God. And that Zack will be pulling the strings to make sure when die we can come to him.

He's buried in the infant section of the cemetary. We plan on getting him a since stone memorial. I should have to do this. This is not the way life is suppose to go.

Do me a favor, hug your baby, whether he's and hour old, or 65 years old. Hug them. Kiss them, tell them you love'em. Please. Once they're gone, kissing a memorial stone, is not the same.

Keep the faith. I'm trying....

Sean & Amy Noel

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