i've been sitting in front of the computer for 20min. trying to decide whether or not to type this. so many people share their personal lives on this site. truth is i'm terrifed to share things that go thru my mind. forget about sharing matters of my heart. fact o' the matter is i have a link to my blog here. anything i didn't want you to know, you already know. if you didn't, you will if you bother to read the link.

unworkable + good story = workable

this is a FALSE statement.

unworkable + integrity = workable

this is a TRUE statement.

this is what i learned in a seminar tonight. i almost didn't go. my stomach still wishes i hadn't. i have a terrible tummy ache. it's from anxiety. one by one my crutches are falling away. soon i'll be standing on my own two feet. no excuses for living my sad little life. no reasons for me not to go out and live my dreams. nothing. just me.

i know i can handle it, i just never thought i'd have to. i've mentioned these feelings before. what i didn't know is how much my stories were enabling me to either not move forward or move at the speed of a slug. i know a lot of the "why's" of my life. i wanted to know. i have worked hard to figure them out. the "whys" are currently unimportant. what is important is what i'm doing. figuring out what is workable and replacing good stories with it.

what do i want to be? courageous! there is nothing i want more. courage to me is the door to all else.

so here i am. one courageous step at a time. each easier then the previous. some harder then others. makes me no difference as long as it's a step.

watch out world! even i don't know what is coming next!

i normally don't post my "personal" entries here. i leave them for my blog. i can't get to my blog tonight so all my lucky fans out there get to witness the jumble in my head.

today, as yesterday, i'm amazed at how at ease i am just being me. serveral have commented on how i put myself down in one of my first comments. i honestly didn't realize it because it was so mild compared to what i normally do. the response was overwhelming on over due.

i'm having a hard time trying to figure out what to "do" with myself. my family finally got the hint and has stopped calling me with all of their drama. work is going well. i don't have any major conflicts or hurtles to jump. so i'm just standing here trying to figure out what to do next. i've never had this happen to me before.

it's really odd b/c as much as i've wanted this i almost want to take it back. i said ALMOST. i am so out of my comfort zone that the discomfort of being happy is pushing me back to my old ways. i don't want to go there though. i repeat, i am happy, i'm just uncomfortable being happy. making new friends and picking up new hobbies is fun and exciting, but it's also completly out of my comfort zone.

if i weren't so damned passionate about becoming self confidant, facing my fears, and enjoying my life i'd high tail it in the other direction. alas, i am passionate about these things and i won't give them up, not for anyone or thing. i guess while i get accustomed to my bigger, better self, i'm gonna have to suck it up. so suck i will.

till my next deep thought....i still think...

i am officially back. i wasn't sure if i was going to stay, but i was just being a wimp.

truth is i'm having a blast learning all sorts of things about my computer and different programs, ect. today i learned the basics for html, about mozilla, and trillian! usually i can't stand to be on my computer, but i'm determined to get programs on it that will make using it more enjoyable for me.

i kinda feel like i'm coming out of the geekdom closet. ok, maybe it's not that serious, but i am enjoying myself:)

btw, bethanie, congrats on your new toy!

well, i'm off again to learn more about my new trillian download. fun fun!

this was a nice way to start my day. who'd have thunk i'd have a nice peaceful morning reading slashdot journals? thanks to all those who are willing to type about your lives and thoughts. it was nice to get a few chuckles to start my day:)

this will be quick and hopefully not very painful. I was/am very hesitant to put myself back out here. i made a comment yesterday and in my eyes it backfired. logically i know it didn't. i actually learned something from the whole ordeal (yes it was quite an ordeal for me). i do put myself down quite a bit and i usually don't even realize it.

in anycase it's been a REALLY long time since i've put my thoughts out there for others to toss around. it's about time i came out of my shell. it's too stuffy in there.

having said that i want to say this whole bouncing comments back and forth will probrably do me good. i've lost touch with my "honest" thoughts. i add a fluff everything up so much for work and friends it's hard for me to really know if what i'm say is what i think or some watered down version of it.

this will be fun. maybe not always (yesterday being a perfect example), but why the hell not. i'm up for anything.

speaking of fluffing things up, the people i work with are going to drive me freakin' insane! everyone thinks i'm so militant and harsh. good g*d, if i was any nicer no work would get done! i'd be letting them make all the rules. no can do. we are going into the holiday and my part-time managers can't seem to get the lead out of their asses. the rest of my staff just stands around looking like a bunch of idjits. no wonder they think i'm a b*tch. when i work i want things done and people movin'! my full time assistant is on maturnity leave and i am feelin' it in a major way. i know things are fine when she's there and i'm off. now i don't feel like i never quite get away. i'm always worried about the studio.

i'm just tired. being tired in mid october is bad. i have the two largest months to go. some how i've got to find some happy thoughts to help get some positive energy flowing thru my veins.

aaarrggggg!

well off to bed i go. i get to spend 14 mind blowing hours with them tomarrow. happy happy joy joy....

i feel myself getting sucked into the slashdot world. yup, i'm still sitting here reading journals. mostly the beginning journal entries. crazy as it seems i'd stay up longer if i could. i'm exhausted. i'll be back tomarrow. no, i don't live in cali. till then.

i wrote in this once and didn't save it. doe! this is precisly why i'm nervous. i'm not from the world of geeks. i don't get most of the computer programing stuff. i do enjoy reading the journals. at least some of them. i'm hoping this will be a fun way to not only learn a little bit more about computers, but make a few friends along the way. i figure the worst that can happen is i get hate comments and i never come back :( that would make me sad, but it wouldn't kill me. soooo, here goes nothin'. again!