I feel liberated. Happy and free. I don't know why I let my self sink so low. I don't know why I felt I had to care so much or so long for someone who didn't return it?

I was told today by her that she had a new boyfriend. I guess she wanted me to go nuts and cry. But when I looked inside I saw that not only did I not care she was with someone else, I was happy for her. I told her this and she told me she hated me.

Wow. But again I didn't care. Not in a negative way either.

I told her (well here is the transcript):

Her (6:01:26 PM): fuck you very mucho
Her (6:01:28 PM): bye
Me (6:01:40 PM): why the hostility?
Her (6:01:54 PM): cause i hate you
Her (6:01:56 PM): bye
Me (6:02:26 PM): I will always love you, I just want you to be happy. I honestly hope you will be
Me (6:02:42 PM): I am very sorry we didn't work out
Me (6:02:59 PM): Hate me if you want but know it doesn't go both ways
Me (6:03:02 PM): bye

I am going to see Priscilla tonight. But this is not why I am happy. I am having trouble explaining this. I feel such an immense weight lifted off of me. It feels so good to be done with it. I am happy being me for the first time pretty much ever. My friends have been so great. I am looking forward to doing things right. I just want to have fun and not worry. Not be jealous. Not be crazy. Why did I never figure this out before?

A certain someone came upon my journal... I deleted all entries in panic, then realized I had nothing to hide. I am a grown-ass single man. I am free. I answer to only me, no one else. So having realized this I am back.

Been on several more dates since last entry (no longer existant). Didn't work out with Bea, didn't feel a spark. Met Priscilla. She DJs at a club I always go to. Always had a crush on her. Got her number last week. We had a date on Sunday night at 9pm.

The date ended 25 hours later. We really hit it off. Felt comfortable with each other. Had good conversation. Can't wait to see her again.

Things with the ex-fiance are bad now because she knows I had a long date. I decided to be cool with her, but she won't extend the same curtisy to me. I begged her for months to take me back. Brought me to the lowest point of my life. I don't honestly understand why she's upset, she doesn't want to be with me. She says she wants me to find someone else. Oh well...

Wish me luck, I felt a butterfly with this one and that is the sign for me. I may fall in love again, we'll have to see what happens. The awesome part is if I don't I know I'll be fine. That knowledge was earned hard. I will never let myself be hit like that again. I am also now totally incapable of cheating on the one I love. I never want to feel the pain of being left alone with only myself to blame ever again.

I was to be married on Thursday. Fucking Thursday. But I am living and learning :-)